Act 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo was rather enjoying his semi-exile, actually. Everyone was very kind and eager to hear all of the gossip about Verona. They didn't seem to take the Montague-Capulet feud very seriously (actually they sort of laughed at it) and even that heartened Romeo because anything that stood between him and his one true love was now striking him as quite silly indeed. And he was sure that, as long as he did his job of staying alive and out of the way in Mantua, everything else would work itself out in time.

"I just had the most wonderful dream, random people of Mantua," Romeo declared loudly. No one really paid any attention to his loud declarations anymore but they also hadn't threatened to kill him to stop it and so he figured that that was as good as an invitation to continue them. "I was dead…Okay, I know that that's actually a bit of a worrying sign and I assure you all that that was not the good part of the dream. Right so, I was dead and my dear Juliet was standing over me and crying very pretty tears for me. Instead of killing herself so that she may join me in death like I had expected and that we agreed would happen if either of us died as part of our marriage vows, Juliet kissed me and brought me back to life! I guess she really didn't want to die, huh? So yeah, totally unexpected and whatnot but on the other hand I think it worked out better for the both of us."

"Romeo!" his servant Balthasar called as he ran up to Romeo.

"Good day," Romeo greeted him merrily. "Have you come for a visit? No, that's a silly question. Of course you have! Why else would you have taken a day-trip here?"

"Your mother would have sent me even had I not wanted to come," Balthasar replied. "She's very upset at your banishment and laments that she will never see you again. Your father has his hands full trying to stop her from dying of despair."

"Dying from despair?" Romeo scoffed, clearly not taking this threat seriously. "Whoever heard of such a thing? And if she wants to see me so badly then she could take a day trip just like you have. I'm really not all that far away. Has the prince settled the matter of whether or not I'm exiled?"

"No, he has not," Balthasar replied. "He's supposed to give a public speech about Mercutio but I'm afraid that he's having difficulty keeping said speech appropriate given who it's about."

Romeo nodded. "I quite understand and I don't envy him his task! It's a good thing I might be exiled, then."

"Your cousin Benvolio feels much the same – about the difficulty of the speech and that you should be there to write one – and so he's planning on appealing to the prince to let you back into the city, if you aren't allowed to be there, on the grounds that you should have to go through the same misery that they do," Balthasar explained.

"There's no rush," Romeo said quickly. He shook his head. "But whatever. There's little point concerning myself with my own life since there is nothing I can do and it's all in fate's hands anyway."

"Just like you had nothing to do with marrying that Capulet girl, huh?" Balthasar asked knowingly. "That's a line you should save for your father so he doesn't kill you himself once he finds out."

"Probably," Romeo said, amused. "But go on, tell me what I'm sure you have to tell me. I can take it; nothing can be wrong in the world if Juliet is well."

There was an awkward silence.

"Balthasar," Romeo said dangerously. "My lovely bride is well, is she not?"

"That depends on what you mean by 'well'," Balthasar prevaricated. "I mean, she's not sick and she's not injured or anything so don't worry about that."

Romeo was unconvinced. "If I shouldn't worry then why won't you just give me a straight answer instead of being all dramatic about it?"

"Well, to begin with I like being all dramatic about it," Balthasar told him. "And as for the rest…Well, I guess she's as well as she can be under the circumstances. I imagine that everyone would be pretty well once they're in heaven."

"H-heaven?" Romeo couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, your wife died this morning. Or possibly last night. She was alone and she was only found this morning," Balthasar clarified. "Lord Capulet is quite insistent that his daughter is going to heaven and Paris supported him in that so that's the prince's position and thus the church's despite the rather obvious fact that she committed suicide."

"Committed suicide?" That sounded even less likely. "Are you sure?"

Balthasar shrugged. "She drank poison out of a strange vial that no one in the house recognized. I figure it's either suicide or the girl was kind of an idiot. Although idiocy wouldn't keep you out of heaven, I don't think."

Romeo threw his head back and shouted to the sky, "I defy you, stars!"

Balthasar stared at him. "What does that even mean?"

Romeo jumped like he'd forgotten that the man who had just given him the bad news was there. "Oh, sorry. I was thinking that Juliet and I were star-crossed lovers since our families hate each other so much and now fate has deemed that we must end tragically and cruelly killed Juliet off and so I am in opposition to our fate and just thought that the stars might want to know that."

"You know that it's the middle of the day, right?" Balthasar asked him.

Romeo nodded. "I am well aware of that, yes."

"And while you can rail against fate all you like-" Balthasar began.

"I don't need your permission but it's nice to know you approve," Romeo interrupted.

Balthasar soldiered on. "But I think that maybe Juliet had something to do with-"

"Lies and slander!" Romeo hollered covering his ears with his hands. "It was all fate. And speaking of…Do we know why fate killed Juliet off?"

"I think it might have had something to do with the fact that today Juliet was to be officially betrothed to the prince's cousin, Paris," Balthasar replied. "And of course she was already married to you and couldn't admit it so she killed herself rather than becoming a bigamist. Maybe that will grant her some understanding for her act. And she was so young, too…"

"What?" Romeo's eyes were wide. "But I thought Lord Capulet wouldn't let anyone marry her until she was sixteen!"

"Oh, now you remember that?" Balthasar muttered.

Romeo looked confused. "What are you talking about? I never forgot."

"But you…and she was…oh, never mind," Balthasar said, sighing.

"So what happened?" Romeo asked impatiently.

"Well, she wasn't actually going to have to marry him until she was sixteen," Balthasar informed him. "But I guess even being engaged to another man was too much for her."

"I hate the world," Romeo complained.

Balthasar sighed again. "Oh no, not more of this! Although to be fair, losing your wife is a bit more serious than driving a girl into a nunnery. Although that was pretty embarrassing, too."

"Losing the love of my life is not embarrassing!" Romeo growled.

Balthasar held up his hands placatingly. "I never said that. Wait, actually, yes I did but I didn't mean it."

"Good," Romeo said, still eyeing him suspiciously.

"So now what?" Balthasar inquired uncertainly.

"I'm sorry but I just cannot tell you my plans," Romeo said apologetically. "However, I will need you to write out this letter that I'm about to dictate. I'd write it myself but I'm far too grief-stricken and, anyway, I want to just be able to do this in free-verse and it's a much quicker process this way."

Balthasar got out his writing supplies and found a flat surface to write on. "Alright. What do you want me to say? And to who?"

"This is to my father so start with that. 'Dear Father,'" Romeo instructed.

Balthasar nodded. "Got it."

"I'm sorry that I never got a chance to say goodbye to you and Mother. Partially, I blame you two because you could have come to see me at any time. I would have come to you when I got back to Verona but I was worried about being caught or stopped and there's no time for that. I married Juliet Capulet a week or so ago and now she's engaged to someone else so she mysteriously and definitely not at her own hand died," Romeo recited. "Therefore, I'm going to go visit her body and then kill myself. I hope that the Capulets won't move my body but, well, they probably will. Don't worry about me and I am not being emo. Why does nobody take me seriously? Love, Romeo." He waited a few moments. "Do you have it?"

"I do," Balthasar confirmed. "Although maybe you should sign it yourself, just to make sure that they know it's really you?"

"Good idea," Romeo replied. He took the quill and scrawled out a signature. "Okay, hire me some horses because I'm going to go home tonight. And by 'home' I mean Verona and not my home specifically. After that, you may go. And don't read that letter!"

"I wrote the letter so I already know what it says," Balthasar protested.

"I don't care, just promise me and then leave," Romeo ordered.

Still, Balthasar hesitated. "And speaking of the letter…I really don't think that I should leave you alone given the contents of said letter. It's either a horribly tasteless joke or you're planning on dying and if I knew about it in advance that would make me a really terrible person. And I'd probably get fired, too!"

"I see your priorities are quite in order," Romeo said dryly.

"Hey, it's your life," Balthasar said defensively. "And I need a job."

Romeo thought for a moment. "Well, if you tell them that you didn't read the letter then it should be fine."

Balthasar shrugged. "Well, okay then. Goodbye forever, Romeo. Remember that suicide is the worst sin that you can commit!"

"I will," Romeo said, waving goodbye. "Wait!"

Balthasar turned around. "Yes?"

"You're not happening to being carrying any letters for me from Friar Lawrence, are you?" Romeo asked hopefully. "Maybe assuring me hat Juliet is not actually dead and that this is all a ruse so that she doesn't have to tell her father why she won't marry Paris and I'm actually supposed to go meet her in Verona since she's somehow faked her own death?"

Balthasar shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It is quite imaginative, though, and pretty desperate. I would like to point out, however, that if I had any other letters for you I would have given you the damn letter while I was here like I was supposed to."

Romeo slumped. "Right, of course. Sorry. I just didn't want to believe it. I didn't mean to insult you."

Balthasar cast one last, troubled look at Romeo before going off to get that horse.

Romeo made his way to an apothecary. "Tonight I will be with my sweet Juliet. And dead. I think that I should probably care more about that…"

"Hello," the apothecary worker said cheerfully when Romeo entered. "How may I help you today?"

"You look poor," Romeo said bluntly.

The worker blinked. "I…Is that all you had come to say? That I look poor? That's kind of really rude, actually, and I don't appreciate it."

"No, actually I'm here to buy poison with which to kill myself with," Romeo explained.

"We do have a few things like that," the worker told him. "Unfortunately, giving it to you would be quite illegal because we have too many idiot teenagers refusing to deal with their problems and so drinking poison here. And the suicide pacts! Don't even get me started on the suicide pacts! I mean, a sale's a sale but we never get any repeat customers and it's always kind of depressing."

"I don't think you understand," Romeo claimed. "You are really poor and I am really rich. I've decided poison would be better than stabbing myself so don't think you're going to save my life by not selling me poison. I will also give you a lot of money and, after tonight, won't be able to tell anyone about you selling this to me. Besides, no witnesses."

"You make a compelling case," the worker admitted, going to retrieve a vial of poison. "Plus, well, you're kind of a jerk so I won't even mind…"

"Friar John!" Friar Lawrence cried out as he saw the other friar passing by him.

Friar John stopped and bowed slightly to Friar Lawrence. "Hello."

"How did Romeo take the news that Juliet had faked her own death?" Friar Lawrence asked. He really, really wanted to get away with secretly marrying the two of them but he didn't see any reason not to expand the slightest bit of effort in his quest and at least let Romeo know what happened.

Friar John winced. "Well…about that…"

Friar Lawrence winced. "That is not what I want to hear!"

"Oh, no, I understand that but if you want to know what happened then you have to hear it," Friar John explained.

Friar Lawrence strongly considered just giving it all up as a bad job and walking away. He sighed instead. "Tell me what happened."

"I was shut up in a quarantine house because the plague had broken out and was unable to deliver the letter," Friar John said, complying with the request.

"I heard that Mercutio wished for an outbreak of plague as he lay dying…" Friar Lawrence said thoughtfully. "I wonder…"

"Wonder what?" Friar John asked blankly. "And what exactly is going on here, anyway?"

"You may go now," Friar Lawrence said hastily, walking away himself to avoid having to answer any of those perfectly valid questions.

He went back into his room so as to not look crazy when he began talking to himself.

"So Romeo does not know that Juliet is alive and so therefore will not be on hand to rescue her. I guess that means that I'll have to do it," the friar said grudgingly. "Actually, that probably should have been the plan to begin with as getting Juliet smuggled out of city limits would be much safer than having Romeo sneaking around the Capulet catacomb. Oh, well, too late to change the plan we're no longer following now. And I should send Romeo another letter. I just hope that nobody told him about Juliet's 'death' and he actually believes it and does something stupid. I'll just keep Juliet in my cell and hope that nobody thinks I'm some kind of a pervert. The things I do for stupid teenagers…"

"Since I was so very nearly engaged to her and absolutely in love with her despite speaking to her maybe once, I must do my duties as an almost almost husband," Paris declared. "Page, leave me."

The page left after handing Paris a basket of flowers and he scattered flowers on Juliet's grave. He heard a whistle indicating that someone was coming. Normally he would not have bothered since he wasn't actually doing anything wrong but in this case he thought that Lord Capulet might get the wrong idea and didn't want to risk getting killed over a misunderstanding. He quickly hid behind one of the headstones.

Romeo and Balthasar road up and Romeo jumped off of his horse practically before it stopped.

"I would thank you for accompanying me if it wasn't for the fact that I specifically told you to go away and not bother me," Romeo said, annoyed. "Why didn't you do that again?"

"It might have had something to do with the fact that you're openly talking about killing yourself, sir," Balthasar replied.

"I am not," Romeo denied.

"Then why are we here?" Balthasar demanded.

"I, uh, gave Juliet a very expensive ring and I would like it back," Romeo claimed.

Balthasar was unimpressed. "Really."

"Yes, really," Romeo said defensively. "Why?"

"You honestly expect me to believe that we risked your possible death if we're caught here so you could grave-rob y our own wife?" Balthasar demanded. He stopped and thought about it. "Although, actually, that does sound like the kind of thing that you would do…"

"Yes, exactly, not go away," Romeo said, trying to shoo him off. "And in the morning, deliver the letter to my father and pretend not to have any idea what's happening."

"That just feels the tiniest bit irresponsible," Balthasar protested.

"You're not paid to make me be responsible!" Romeo argued. "Now go before I fire you!"

"Geez, fine, I will," Balthasar said. "Try not to die, will you, Romeo? Unless you really mean to fire me in which case do what you will." With that Balthasar walked away. He still stayed close enough to be able to watch what was happening but Romeo wasn't very observant and so he wouldn't notice him.

Romeo had finally gotten close enough for Paris to identify him.

"That's that villain Romeo!" he realized. "The one who killed Tybalt and thus indirectly killed Juliet!"

Romeo, however unobservant he was, wasn't actually deaf and so his head immediately shot up. "What? How is Juliet's death in any way my fault? Well, aside from the fact that her marriage to me made her marriage to that old ugly guy Paris completely impossible."

"I'm Paris!" Paris cried out, offended, focusing on what he considered the most relevant part.

"Oh," Romeo said, embarrassed. "Sorry. It's totally true but kind of rude. Now, what does Juliet's death have to do with Tybalt?"

"You brutally murdered Tybalt for no reason-" Paris started to explain.

"Justifiably avenged your own freaking cousin Mercutio," Romeo countered.

"And Juliet was just so sad about this that even knowing that she would be marrying me was not enough to convince her that life was worth living and so she just wasted away overnight and died," Paris accused.

Romeo rolled his eyes. "If she were that attached to him I'd say things were getting a little incestuous. It was her 'cheering up' engagement to you that killed her! She couldn't stand to be a bigamist."

"Juliet wasn't married!" Paris cried out angrily.

Romeo gestured to himself. "Totally married her. And it was awesome. We had sex and everything but don't tell her father."

"I will tell her father!" Paris threatened. "Assuming I don't kill you right here and now! Why are you even here?"

"Um…ring or something…" Romeo murmured, not wanting to admit the real reason.

"I know!" Paris exclaimed. "Since you've been exiled from this city on pain of death – possibly – then you must really hate Capulets and you've come here to disfigure Tybalt's corpse and possibly Juliet's! Die, you bastard!"

"Wait, let's not fight," Romeo said listlessly.

Paris didn't listen and soon Romeo had run Paris through.

"My last request…is to be laid…near my dear Juliet," Paris managed to say.

Romeo snorted. "Are you kidding? Juliet is my love. Go find your own. Or don't since, you know, you're dead and all."

Romeo just left Paris where he was and went to go find Juliet.

"She's so beautiful," Romeo said, sitting down next to Juliet and admiring her beauty. "It's almost like she's just sleeping." He place a hand on her cheek. "And she still feels warm just as if she's just sleeping. I can almost feel her breathing…"

He took the vial of poison in it and took the cap off. "This is my last chance to make a good dying monologue. Mercutio had a pretty good one and Tybalt totally ripped his off. Paris's was rather terrible but, then, so was his. I'm all alone so no one would think me crazy for rehearsing. On the other hand, no one is here to hear it either so why waste the effort?"

He kissed Juliet on the – surprisingly warm – lips and downed the potion before kissing her again.

Juliet chose to wake up then and when she saw Romeo beside her she didn't immediately realize that something was wrong. "Oh my Romeo, I knew that you'd come for me!" She kissed him briefly.

Romeo groaned. "Should've…done that…death monologue…" The he collapsed.

"Romeo?" Juliet asked, shocked and horrified. She shook him. "That's not funny, Romeo! Wake up!"

The friar, meanwhile, was quickly making his way towards Juliet and he ran into Balthasar.

"What are you doing here?" the friar demanded.

"Oh, Romeo asked me to leave while he was doing whatever but he was being suicidal so I decided not to," Balthasar explained.

"What's that body?" the friar asked, indicating Paris.

"I'm sure I have no idea," Balthasar said virtuously. "But I did have this dream where Paris thought that Romeo was here to disfigure some corpses and so tried to kill him and Romeo killed him first. And because it was a dream, that's why I didn't do anything to try and help the situation at all."

"I see," the friar said disapprovingly, seeing right through him. He ran into the tomb to find a distraught Juliet holding Romeo's dead body. "Oh, Juliet. Um…yeah."

Furious, Juliet turned accusing eyes on him. "What the hell happened? Why did Romeo just up and die in front of me?"

"It's actually kind of a funny story," the friar said, scratching the back of his neck.

"I'm sure it is," Juliet said coldly. "Tell it to me, if you'd be so kind."

"My messenger was quarantined and couldn't let Romeo know the truth and I guess he heard about your death from some other source that thought that you were truly dead and so he…reacted very badly," the friar said, a bit lamely.

"I blame you," Juliet accused.

"Hey, I tried to warn him! I was even coming here to rescue you and go track down Romeo!" the friar protested. "Although the good news is that Paris is also dead so at least you won't have to marry him and even if you did, suddenly that's legal again!"

"It's too soon to look on the bright side," Juliet said flatly.

There was a noise. "That must be the coming of the watch! Look, Juliet, I'd love to help you, kid, but not if it means that I get in trouble for any of this. Come with me and we'll work something out."

"I think I'd rather stay here and die," Juliet told him.

"I…You really shouldn't but I don't have time to convince you," the friar said, running off.

"Romeo has drunk poison," Juliet noted. "Maybe there's enough poison left to kill me, too." She looked in the vial but it was empty and then kissed Romeo's lips, hoping to be able to ingest enough poison that way but after a few moments of waiting she had to give that up, too.

Then she spotted the dagger. "Hey! This will work." She positioned the dagger above her heart, sucked in her breath, and closed her eyes, about to do the deed. Then she abruptly stopped. "But wait…Romeo's last words were about doing a death monologue. I can't go against those, after all. I guess I should try and work one out myself. Um…I do not want to die but Romeo is dead and Paris is dead, too, I guess and now there literally is no chance of a happy ending for me and Romeo here. Maybe in the next life, which I hope will be heaven despite our suicide, we will get to be together. And so it appears like this is a tragic ending but, really, it's not."

She closed her eyes again and prepared to stab herself but when she brings the blade down, she couldn't feel any pain. Was that normal? Juliet opened her eyes to see that she had not managed to stab herself after all but rather her father's hand.

He seemed not to notice, however. "Juliet!" he kept crying, near tears. "It's a miracle! You're alive!"

"I…Hello, Father," Juliet said a little awkwardly.

"I'm sure that there's a story about why you looked dead and Paris is dead outside and Romeo Montague is dead just a few feet away from us and you were about to stab yourself but I don't even want to hear it right now," Lord Capulet said, waving his still hand that was not currently stabbed around.

Juliet quickly removed the dagger from his hand.

"Well I want to know what happened," snapped Lord Montague. "My son is dead!"

Juliet looked up to see that in addition to her father, the prince, some page, some servant of Romeo's, a few guards, Benvolio, and Lord Montague were in the room and the friar had returned.

"Do you know what happened?" Lord Montague demanded.

"My daughter was recently dead," Lord Capulet snapped. "I'm sure she has no idea."

"Well I just managed to talk my wife out of dying out of grief for Romeo's exile and how she'll probably drop dead at hearing of his death," Lord Montague countered.

"Ask the friar," Juliet said bitterly. "I'm sure he can tell you."

"You said you wouldn't tell!" the friar cried out, his eye twitching.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Well?" the prince asked archly. "I'm waiting. And since another one of my cousins just died, I don't have a lot of patience. Also, someone go wrap up Lord Capulet's hand. All that bleeding is distracting me."

Paris's page went over to do as requested.

Nervously, the friar swallowed. "Well, Romeo and Juliet met at a party and wanted to get married. They said that it might stop the feud and, well, I think we can all agree that would be a good thing. So I married them but Tybalt didn't approve of the marriage when he found out so he tried to kill Romeo and Mercutio died instead. Romeo killed Tybalt in revenge but Juliet couldn't marry Paris while Romeo yet lived. Completely independently of my suggestion, Juliet decided the rational course of action was to fake her own death then go find Romeo and let you guys know they were alive when they had a grandchild."

"It was absolutely your idea to fake my own death! I just wanted to tell everyone," Juliet protested.

"I would have accepted it," Lord Capulet said solemnly. "Your love for Romeo and not your getting married at thirteen. I'm going to need to take awhile to process that that happened. That's exactly what I didn't want for you."

Juliet hung her head. "I know and I'm sorry. It's just that I loved him and because of Paris and the feud we couldn't wait. Plus he was kind of fickle."

"Right," Lord Montague scoffed. "Like you would have just been perfectly fine with your daughter marrying my son."

"My love for my daughter and desire to see her happy is stronger than my rage at the Montague," Lord Capulet swore.

"Yeah?" Lord Montague asked rhetorically, not about to be outdone in the parenting department despite Juliet being alive and Romeo being dead. "Well I loved Romeo so much that I would have let them marry, too!"

"If only we had told someone…" Juliet cried out in despair.

Lord Capulet quickly confiscated the knife.

"How about we use this as lesson and end the feud?" the prince asked eagerly. "It is really stupid and has cost Verona and the three of us personally way too much. What was it even about anyway?"

"I…um…" Lord Montague stammered.

"I think it was…no…" Lord Capulet mused.

"Sex was probably involved," Lord Montague declared. "It usually is."

"And murder," Lord Capulet added.

"But how is it even if my son is dead and his daughter isn't?" Lord Montague demanded. "That's not fair!"

Lord Capulet stepped protectively in front of Juliet and brandished the dagger at Romeo's father. "I will cut you."

"Tybalt's dead and Benvolio isn't," the prince countered. "And both Paris and Mercutio are dead. It's even."

"It's even assuming that I get to kill the friar for enabling my thirteen-year-old daughter to get married and have s-have se-to be married!" Lord Capulet cried out.

The prince nodded. "I'll allow it."

"But-" the friar protested and the guards dragged him out of the room.

"So wait," Benvolio said slowly, not quite able to look at his cousin's body. "Was Romeo ever banished or what?"

"Huh?" the prince asked, surprised. "No, of course not. I'm sorry if that caused any problems. I just didn't want Lady Capulet nagging me until I did something about that fight even though it didn't seem necessary and Tybalt brought it on himself."

"Hey!" Lord Capulet objected automatically. He sighed. "You're probably right…"

"So…feud over?" the prince asked Lord Montague.

"Fine," Lord Montague said, sighing. "But just to prove that we mean this and that Romeo and Juliet totally could have been together because we really love our children, I say that we marry Juliet and Benvolio to each other."

"Wait, what?" Benvolio asked, alarmed.

"Yeah, it will be perfect," Lord Montague said, nodding to himself. "And combined, think of how powerful our families can be! Juliet?"

"Assuming I don't succeed in killing myself, I don't even care," Juliet told them. "He's only a couple of years older than me and he is kin to my dear dead Romeo…"

"She won't succeed in killing herself," Lord Capulet said seriously. "We're putting her on suicide watch. And remember, you can always change your mind later if you don't want to do this."

"So can you!" Lord Montague said quickly.

"You're not even giving me a choice," complained Benvolio.

"Just not for two more years!" Lord Capulet said insistently. "Remember, everyone, I'm a good parent!"

It's the End so Review Please!