"Pools of sorrow, waves of joy, are passing through my open mind"

-Across the Universe, The Beatles

She remembers how her mother used to smell of fresh baked bread, roses, and Chanel no 5, Rivka David's guilty pleasure. How her mother used to pull a stool up beside the kitchen counter so that Ziva, and then later Tali, could help her cook. Ziva remembers peeling potatoes and the way her mothers soft as silk hands felt as they guided hers while her own grubby fingers attempted to knead the dough. She remembers how beautiful her mother was, with her high cheekbones, deep brown eyes and curls that bounced when she laughed. Ziva and Tali used to sit on their parents bed while Rivka got ready for functions, and sat fascinated as her mother applied rouge, curled her already impossibly long lashes and stepped through a cloud of French perfume. Sometimes Rivka would let them apply her lipstick, and Ziva remembers her six year old heart racing as she tried to get it perfect, and how her mother kissed her forehead when she had finished, praising Ziva's hard work.

….

She remembers dancing on stage, and looking out into the audience for her absent father. Tali always sat perched in their mothers lap, and Ari next to them, smiling with pride. Ari and Rivka had a special relationship, one based on a mutual understanding of just how swayed Eli's morals could be.

….

Ziva remembers the first night her father hit her mother, after Rivka had driven Ari four hours to visit his own mother in Gaza. There was shouting and when her mother trudged upstairs hours later, Ziva remembers thinking that the angry bruise on her cheek did not take away Rivka's beauty. Ziva remembers the way her mother had climbed into Tali's bed, beckoning Ziva to join them. The David women fell asleep curled against each other, their hearts beating in time with the crackle of gunfire in the distance.

….

She remembers her mothers voice filling he kitchen on Shabbat as she sang the prayers of the Torah, the holy words filling Ziva with pride. She remembers how her mothers Matzo Ball soup tasted, like home and safe arms and love. She remembers the Hanukah when she was nine and Tali was six, and Rivka was so sick with the flu she could not lift her head off the pillow. She and Tali had walked four miles to the grocery store for ingredients and spent that Saturday in the kitchen, trying to copy their mother's technique. The latkes ended up burnt and the roast chicken was still frozen on the inside, but even Eli could not help but smile begrudgingly as the girls sheepishly presented their would be feast.

…

She remembers how hard it was to learn fractions, and how loudly her father yelled when she brought home her report card with an F in math. She remembers crying as he told her to try harder, how she was a disgrace. Somehow he failed to notice the A+'s in Literature and History. She remembers how her mother took her into her arms and told her she was special. She remembers how Ari came into her room and put a strong arm around her as he patiently began to describe how mixed numbers worked. They did not go to sleep until 3am that night as Ari coached her, praising her when she got a right answer and calmly explaining what she did wrong when she miscalculated. Ziva realized then that she wanted to be just like her brother when she grew up, and to this day the irony is not lost on her. When she told him that over breakfast the next morning he smiled sadly and tousled her hair.

…..

She remembers the day her mother moved them out of the house, ushering the girls to pack only what they needed so they could leave before Eli got home. Rivka promised them a new life in Haifa, one filled with sand, clear ocean water and away from her fathers fist. As they loaded up the car, Ziva noticed another bruise forming on her mothers wrist and feels like crying. She wonders what will happen when her Abba comes home, or when Ari finds his house so silent it hurts his ears.

Rivka finds them a tiny apartment by the beach, and Ziva does not comment when her mother rents it under a false name. She and Tali fall asleep that night looking out the window at the ocean, fingers loosely threaded together.

…..

She remembers the day her tearful mother whispers that they have to go back to Tel Aviv, that they have no more money. That Rivka lost her job, and she cannot find another. The tension in their old house when they arrive is so thick that Ziva finds it hard to breathe as Tali clings to her. Rivka embraces Ari and nods at her husband before announcing that she is going to the market to buy something for dinner. She promises to return within the hour, but the clock ticks by, counting down the minutes to the end of Ziva's innocence.

…..

When she hears that Rivka was killed in a riot in the market, Ziva's world spins off its axis. Tali is crying and Eli looks like he wants to kill someone, but Ziva cannot move. Her mother is dead- her beautiful mother whose eyes sparkled and whose voice sounded like honey. Ziva simply crumbles to the ground, silent and completely still for the first time in her twelve years on earth. Rivka is dead, and all hope is lost. She remembers how Tali climbed into her bed that night, and how they held each other close and cried and told stories. They tip toed to their mothers closet and sat surrounded by her scent.

….

Ziva remembers how three days after the funeral, her father brought home a prostitute who smelled like cigarettes and had a voice that was too deep. In that moment, she realizes that not only is daddy not perfect, but that he does not care. When Tali asks who the strange woman is, Ziva cannot answer, and wishes fiercely that Ari would come home from England and save them. She simply takes her fathers razor and cuts the pad of her thumb, just to feel something other than the sting of betrayal and suffocating grief.

….

She remembers how it felt to stop dancing- like she was breathing underwater. She remembers the shame burning under her cheeks when her father told her she needed to loose ten pounds before he would let her back into the house. Ziva had never been chubby, but had some baby weight left over that she had never really noticed before. She remembers tugging at her shirt self-consciously and starting up a running regimen. She stops eating, and when she does, she throws up afterwards. She remembers how disappointed she feels when she tells Eli she has reached her goal weight, and he simply nods. The tears prick at the back of her eyes and she vomits the carrots she ate for lunch. She remembers wishing she could dance just one more time, and punches the wall. She remembers watching her sister begin to travel down the same road she once did, and it makes her heart break as Tali struggles with self-image and running the fifteen miles her father requested of them.

…

She remembers learning to throw a knife, shoot a gun and take a man down with one swift movement. It makes her feel in control for the first time since her mother died, and she becomes proficient in every violent technique her father throws her way.

…..

She remembers the first time Mr. Goldstein asked her to stay after class. She is sixteen, naïve, lonely, and struggling to fit in. He wants to talk about her recent string of failing grades, and she warbles, telling him that she is trying, she really is. He smiles and his white teeth blind her. "I know." He soothes. She asks if there is any extra credit, and her heart stops when he puts his arm around her waist. "I know something you could do." He whispers, reaching a snaking hand up her blouse to cup her breast. She pulls away but he is heavier than her, and she suddenly looses all her knowledge of self defense in this one moment. It is an out of body experience, and when he finishes she sniffles, and tells him she is telling her father. His eyes flash black and he tells her he will kill her sister. "Talia, her name is. I hear she's a good student in Mora Levy's class." He whispers venomously, and her blood runs cold. So she stays silent throughout the remainder of the school year. That summer she hears he has moved to America.

….

She remembers realizing that she is not going to college, and the reality hits her like a ton of bricks. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Ziva always believed that after her military service was over, she would attend a University and study dance. But her father has set aside a spot for her in Mossad, and has given her some not so subtle hints that this is the path she will take. She finds herself wishing her mother were here to give her the confidence to stand up to her father, but Rivka is dead, and so is the life she once knew. So she convinces herself that this is what she wants, that she is happy giving up her dreams, and soon, Ziva begins to believe her own lies.

…..

She remembers the how the fall of her senior year of high school, when she and Tali became sick with the flu. They tossed and turned feverishly while they father stayed in his office, and when Ziva anchors herself with her sisters clammy hand, she realizes that life without her siblings is one not worth living. (She knows this is ironic). Ziva remembers dragging herself out of bed and tried to make her mothers Matzo Ball soup, but when it was finished, it did not taste like Rivka's. She remembers beginning to cry big fat tears of grief and frustration until she collapses on the tile floor.

…

She remembers how her father missed her high school graduation, and how she, Tali and Ari got drunk on the roof of their house, watching the golden sun set behind a majestic sky. They howl at the moon and laugh so hard they shed tears that soon become tears of sorrow. They mourn those they have lost and drink to the future ahead, none of them wanting to admit how dark it is beginning to look. She remembers how her legs hung over the side of the house and how her sister's eyes shone in the moonlight. She remembers looking up at the stars and wondering if Rivka is one of them, a ball of light and hope that illuminates the sky.

….

She remember her first day of duty, and how her heart hammered in her chest as she buttoned up her olive green uniform and wrapped her hair in a tight bun. Ari drives her over to base, and she remembers how her kissed her on the cheek and whispered that he was proud of her. She remembers how heavy the AK-47 her commanding officer hands her suddenly felt, and she feels nauseated when she pictures her mother's bullet ridden body lying in the streets of Tel Aviv. She remembers how it feels to climb the ranks, satisfying and hollow at the same time. Ziva is now a soldier, but she still braids Tali's hair at night and cries at The Sound of Music. She still dreams of being a ballerina, and buries her grief and unfulfilled desires under layers of emotional hardiness.

…

Ziva remembers how it feels to loose her virginity at the age of 18 in a weapons carrier to a man, no, boy, named Malachi Ben- Gidon. (She does not count Mr. Goldstein.) It is sloppy and not how she imagined it, but he says all the right things as he kisses away her tears. The crates filled with guns dig into her back, reminding her that she will never truly be free from her fathers influence. Ziva remembers feeling lonelier than ever as she awkwardly re-buttons her uniform, running her tongue over swollen lips, and lets Malachi drive her home. He pecks her on the cheek and Ziva remembers running upstairs and scrubbing at her skin, determined to find the girl she once knew. She climbs into Tali's bed after her shower and pulls her sister close, breathing in the scent of lilacs and innocence.

….

Ziva remembers how her stomach dropped and her heart skipped a beat when she looked down at the positive pregnancy test, her hands shaking. Tali is sitting on the edge of the tub and puts an arm around Ziva's shoulders, muttering something about doctors and telling the father. She feels like she is watching herself from above as her life spins out of control once again. She remembers locking the door to her room and dialing Malachi's number, and the sting of rejection when he tells her he does not want a baby, and maybe she should get an abortion. He says it simply, as if it is no big deal, something done every day without care or consideration. Tali holds her close as she sobs, and their roles reverse as Tali picks up the pieces of Ziva's broken heart. There is no way she can tell Eli, and Ziva feels truly lost, and wishes once more for her mothers guidance. She remembers the hard exam table and the nurses soothing words as she cries through the whole procedure. Tali holds her hand tightly and when they go home that night, Ziva climbs up onto the roof and wonders if her baby has become a star, just like her mother.

…..

She remembers the first time she killed someone, how her breath caught in her throat as she watched the life flow out of him. A single shot to the head that seeps blood and leaves her clammy and nervous. When she comes home that night her father pats her on the back and tells her that she has done well, but for the first time in her life, Ziva wishes her father was not proud of her. She remembers staring at herself in the mirror and looking for herself behind hollow eyes and pale cheeks.

…..

She remembers how the sun beat down on her back as she ate lunch with Tali that hot afternoon in May. They ate falafel and drank lemonade, laughing as the boy at the next table winked at Tali. They spoke of school and Ziva's first mission with Mossad in Cairo in two months. She remembers the flower tucked behind Tali's ear, and how her sisters Star of David necklace danced in the sunlight. There is a glint in her sister's eye as she steals food off Ziva's plate, and Ziva remembers slapping her hand away when suddenly there is a bang and there is heat everywhere and smoke and the air feels like soup. It hurts to breath and Ziva can feel her head pounding from the force of the bow, but her injuries do not matter, because she remembers how she stopped breathing when she looked around and saw Tali burnt and bloody on the ground. Ziva remembers dragging herself over to her sister and cradling her in her arm as Tali looks up at her sister, her hero, one last time before death claims her. People are screaming, but Ziva can only focus on Tali's still form, and her silence is so loud that it hurts her ears. Time stops, because no matter how hard Ziva shakes her sister or yells her name, Tali does not open her eyes. Ziva's tears mix with her sister's blood, creating a bloody river of despair. She remembers how paramedics tried to pry her away from Tali, but she would not let them, simply rocked her baby sister back and forth in her arms. Images dance before her eyes that make her chest constrict and moans louder. Tali's messy curls, Tali dancing in the rain, Tali laughing, Tali on her mothers lap, Tali's eyes shining in the moonlight, Tali's flower and oh god Tali's burned body lying on the side of the road. It is then that Ziva realizes that her sisters Star of David necklace is perfectly intact, and she carefully removes it and replaces it with her own, clasping Tali's around her neck.

….

She remembers how revenge only widens the gaping hole in her heart, rendering her a bitter mess of tears and blood. The funeral is beautiful, but Ziva remembers fighting the urge to murder the Rabbi as he makes general statements about what a good person her sister was. That night, she drinks until she passes out in a puddle of her own sick, and Ari has to clean her off and wipe away her drunken tears.

….

She remembers finding Tali's old pink pajamas in her drawer and breathing in the scent of innocence and a life that should have held bigger and better things than bombs and tears and blood. She remembers thinking that Tali had been too good for her, for this world.

….

Ziva remembers how much she hated Jennifer Sheppard the first time she met her. She is vibrant and skilled without a care in the world, and it makes Ziva so envious she barely speaks to the older agent. Her emotions are still raw and every time she closes her eyes, she sees Tali sprawled on the floor of the café. She is never hungry, and it is a fight to get out of bed each day. She remembers how Jen offers her food and she refuses, wasting away into an emaciated shell of her former self. She pushes herself to the limit, obviously impressing and terrifying her new partner. Ziva remembers how one night, she wakes up screaming from a nightmare to find Jenny standing over her, gripping her shoulders, wide eyed and shocked. Ziva's heart beats in her throat as she tries to shake away distorted images of Tali and Rivka, hot tears streaming down her face. She remembers how Jenny pulled her in for a hug, stroking her sweaty curls and how she pretended that the wet patch on her shoulder did not exist. Soon Ziva is telling her stories of a forgotten youth and losses so big they make it impossible to move on. The words blanket them and Jenny tells Ziva just how brave she is, and that maybe it is time to stop ignoring her feelings and move on. Their friendship begins in a dingy apartment on a dangerous street in Cairo, a silver lining in the dark expanse of Ziva's soul.

…

She remembers what it felt like to jump in front of a bullet for her best friend and have it nestle into her shoulder, the pain blinding her. There are no words, only whispered pleas and guilty thanks, and when Ziva wakes up, she remembers wishing the bullet had gone a couple inches to the left. Through a fog of painkillers she swears she can see her mother on the foot of her bed until the dark curls morph into Jenny's red locks, making her cry out. Her father calls to congratulate her on the successful mission and confirm when she will be cleared for duty, as he had another assignment for her. She remembers feeling lonelier than ever when she realizes Eli never asked her how she was.

…..

She remembers what it felt like to believe Ari's lies, to hold onto them like they were gold. He promises she will not loose him, and she remembers how those words stole her breath and left her to grapple with the fact that her big brother might be wrong, because the look in Gibbs eyes is the one she held in her own as she killed the men responsible for Tali's death. Nothing could stop her then, and she knows nothing will stop Gibbs. She remembers how she wished she could hate his team, but Tony's winning smile and McGee's loyalty remind her of a dysfunctional, loving family. Tony is confident and cocky, and she takes that as a challenge to beat him at his own game. She remembers telling him about Tali, and how his eyes shone with genuine remorse. Languages roll off their tongues, coy smiles and flirtatious words exchanged in a way that makes Ziva wish they were meeting under different circumstances. The rain makes the air smell sweet and Ziva remembers wishing she could dance under the cool drops until her mind is numb.

…

She remembers how it felt to realize that the one person she had always trusted to protect her pulled her entire reality out from under her. As Ari confesses to killing Agent Todd, she begins to shake and breathe heavily with the weight of the decision she must make. She wants to scream until her voice is hoarse, to hug her older brother once more and curl up in a ball until she dies. Her entire life has been a series of disappointments and this is no different, except it stings more. Because she remembers how Ari was afraid of butterflies, of how he wiped away her tears and taught her fractions, how he made her laugh and how she worshipped the ground he walked on. Until now. Now she does not know what to believe, and whispers a silent prayer as she pulls the trigger and watches her hero crumble to the ground. The words of their childhood flow from her lips as her heart explodes inside her chest. When she can no longer look at what she has done, at what her brother has become, she runs upstairs to the bathroom and violently empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. She remembers how Gibbs silently came up beside her and pulled her hair back as she heaved, trying to rid herself of what her life has become. He pulls her in close for a hug when she finishes, and she remembers thinking that he smelt of sawdust, bourbon and fatherhood. She remembers how they devised a plan to blame Gibbs for Ari's death instead of her. She does not know why she cannot bring herself to tell him that these were simply orders, but maybe it has something to do with the shame building in her chest. He offers to drive her back to her hotel, but she refuses and walks around Washington D.C. all night, looking up at the stars and wondering what Tali thinks of her. If Ari knows it was her to end his life, if Rivka is proud of her anymore.

….

She remembers that Ari was afraid of butterflies and that he loved chocolate and that The Titanic made him cry and that he bought her first beer and taught her to ride a bike. She remembers that Tali's laugh made her heat swell and that her sister had never been kissed and that she loved MTV and that when they were little, Tali's grubby hand fit perfectly into hers. She remembers that her mother studied Art History in France and that she was beautiful and strong and kind and loved her children more than anything in the world. She remembers that when she was oh so little, that she used to laugh like Tali and cry at movies and sing too loudly and love with all her heart because she did not understand that if you gave everything of yourself to other people, when they died, you would have nothing left.

Love and tears and blood and butterflies and bombs and sunshine and bullets and laughter and broken smiles were all Ziva David remembered.