Reflections, Realisations and Regrets

Chapter 16: Possession is 9/10ths of the Law: Part 1

AN: Apologies for missing off the disclaimer on Chapter 15... My head sometimes doesn't work with the rest of me :)

As always my thanks and appreciation to my beta Eastern Violet, also to all those who are following, reading, reviewing and sharing with me. I am so happy that you are enjoying out adventure with Anders. Bioware owns him, but we can play with him to our heart's content...

"...possessed by a Fade Spirit."

The words seemed to come from miles away and swirled around my mind in ever decreasing circles. Just when I thought I understood the meaning, they slipped through my fingers and flew off in all directions. The colour drained from my face and my hands went cold. Wynne, of all the mages I knew, Wynne had been possessed by a fade spirit.

I felt the slap, the sting to my cheek. My eyes watered furiously and I refocused on the small woman standing in front of me. Her eyes were hard with anger but there was also worry within the deep green depths that reached me and brought me back with a slap.

"Ooowwww!" I whined. "That hurt."

"Good," came the terse reply. "You deserved it."

"Whadya mean? What did I do to deserve that? In fact why... why are you defending her? Wynne! For the Maker's sake Christie don't you remember what she used to say to us? Don't you remember how she would preach about the dangers of the Fade. Possession, becoming abominations, deserving to die. The templars, watching, always watching. How many others died because they were thought of being too weak? How many others did she turn her back on!"

I was shouting at her in my fury. How could she defend Wynne? I didn't understand.

"Stop this, don't pass judgement before knowing the whole story. That's not you Anders. I'm sorry to strike you, but you were in shock. Look, we need to talk about this. Calmly. Quietly. Come," she said softly.

I blinked, once, twice and my eyes and head cleared. I took a deep breath and let Christie take my hand and lead me to a fallen log where we sat down. She took my hands in hers and taking a deep breath said, "Did you know that Wynne had been hurt during the rebellion at the Tower?"

"Of course I do, Neria said it was one of the reasons why Uldred wanted me, he thought she was dead and wanted my power. Irving urged her to get me out as soon as possible. She didn't know if Wynne had survived or not. Wynne had been badly injured and Petra had stayed with her whilst Neria came to get me." I said remembering that day with sadness and loss.

Christie nodded "That's right. Well... Wynne died, Anders, but her Fade Spirit is a spirit of compassion and realised that it was not Wynne's time. It saved her by giving itself to her."

She looked at me as I mulled over her words. "So how does it work then?" I asked, after a long pause. Questions were begging to be asked, but shock stayed me. I didn't want to push my luck with Christie.

"I'm not really sure..." she said, tilting her head to one side as she thought about how to answer me. "All I know is that Wynne is Wynne, the spirit augments her when we really need it, but in doing so it takes something away from them both. It's like the cork in a bottle. When the cork is in place it stops the passing of fluid and therefore there's plenty left for later. Once the cork is removed, fluid is lost and can't be replaced and when the cork is put back it stops the flow but the fluid is still missing, there is less than there was before. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"You mean the more the spirit is used, the less time Wynne has left?" I asked.

"Yes that's it, except we don't know how much time there was to begin with. Sometimes the spirit is able to rejuvenate itself, but at other times it seems unable and they are both left in a weakened state that only rest and recuperation can cure."

I looked at her and nodded "That makes sense, they are basically feeding off each other. What sustains one sustains the other, what hurts or drains one does the same to the other. It's a question of finding a balance and using their strengths to offset their weaknesses. Unfortunately it will be a matter of trial and error to find what works and what doesn't."

Christie looked at me grinning with relief. "I knew you'd see it for what it was. Its a good thing, not a bad, and the benefits of their union far outweigh the downsides. We've still got Wynne, she's just new and improved."

I looked at her and we both burst out laughing. The birds in the trees took off as one, startled by the noise and that made us laugh all the harder.

"You're not worried that the templars will find out?" I stammered through the laughter once I had some sort of control.

"I'm not gonna tell them. Wynne's not gonna. You gonna write and tell?" she said hiccuping through the laughter.

"Of course not!" I said, hurt that she thought I would.

"I'm joking Anders. I didn't think you would," she chortled. "I'll tell her I told you. She may speak to you more about it. You have your own spirits in the Fade as well. You two are more alike than you realise.

You are both lucky. You're spirit healers with a direct connection to beings that assist and sustain you in a way we mere mortal mages can only dream of. You don't have to be afraid of that connection because they are there to help you not taunt or tempt you with promises that can't be fulfilled. I do envy you both." She looked at me wistfully and I could see she meant every word.

Wynne and I were different from other mages. We had connections in the Fade that other mages didn't have. We had the help of spirits to assist us in our healing, to sustain and support us, which meant we didn't have to rely on lyrium nearly as much as other mages. For elemental spells then, yes, we had to use lyrium as we couldn't use our spirit helpers with those types of spells. I could see how that would be a blessing.

Fade Spirits are innately good, they only want to help us mortals as if deep within them, they remember what it was like to be alive and still wish to nurture and protect us.

Fade demons on the other hand are evil, underhanded and duplicitous, offering power, wealth, anything in order to gain a mage's trust. Ultimately, they want to possess a living mage, to live in the mortal world and feed on a mortal's fear, greed, desire and hate. They want the mortal world to burn and bleed, to create pain and suffering, to have a continuous source of sustenance over which we mortals would have no control. They are the darkness to the Fade Spirits light. They are two sides of the same coin and the balance between them is tenuous and easily torn.

She sat quietly and watched me at war with myself and how I came to terms with what she had said. She was correct, I couldn't pass judgement andonly time would tell whether this was a good or bad thing. I stood and held out my hand to her. Christie took it, gave it a squeeze and just like that, she linked her arm through mine and we walked to Rosalie's, each lost in our own thoughts.

Just before reaching the house, I stopped her and said, "Whilst I don't know if what she has done is a good thing, I will talk to her. Maybe speaking to her will help me understand this better. I gave you my word that I wouldn't say anything and I meant it. I won't. I know that sometimes I haven't always been the best friend in the world. I know I put you and the others through the wringer when we were growing up, what with my escapes and you guys covering for me. Just know this, I will not speak about this to anyone other than you or Wynne. I give you my solemn promise, Christie."

She looked at me, her eyes bright with tears. She reached up and hugged me close and I heard her whisper, "I knew we could count on you."

The rest of the day passed in a blur of laughter. The evening meal was shared with friends, goodbyes were spoken, embraces and tears were shared. As the door shut, I realised that once again, my life had changed, but the hoped-for outcomes would have to wait until the end of the Blight.

After sending Rosalie to bed, I cleaned up and quietly put away crockery and silverware. As I was banking the fire, there came a quiet knock at the door which startled me out of my ruminations.

Wynne stood on the other side of the door, looking tired and hopeful. I took her arm and brought her in.

"Take a seat by the fire. Would you like a drink? I was just thinking about you." I babbled.

"Oh... Good things I hope and I'd love a glass of wine, if you have it," she replied quietly.

I went into the kitchen and opened a bottle of red that I'd been saving for a special occasion. I collected two glass goblets and joined Wynne by the dying fire. She'd lit a couple of candles and gave a small smile as I sat down across from her. I poured the wine and handed her a glass. She took it, smelt the contents, smiling in appreciation and took a sip, savouring the heady scent of red berries and spices.

"Hmmm, wonderful," she said with apparent pleasure. She studied me for a few moments before speaking again. "Thank you Anders for agreeing to Christie's request. I know you didn't need to so I thought I would come and speak to you in case you had any questions or wanted to know anything about my condition."

"Condition." I spluttered. "You make it sound as if you were pregnant and that after nine months it'll all be over. By the Maker Wynne, what were you thinking?"

"Well, in all intents and purposes it will be, I just don't know how long I've got." she said. " I've just got to be careful and use what I have with care and thought. Hopefully I will have longer than we think. To answer your second question, well I wasn't, thinking that is. I was unconscious. The Spirit took things into its own hands, so to speak. It deemed that I was still needed, it wasn't my time to go. I made no pact with it. Made it no promises, and guaranteed it nothing."

I looked at the wine swirling around my glass, thinking about what Christie and Wynne had said. "Can you control it?" I asked eventually.

"How do you mean? Stop it? Encourage it?" When I nodded, she continued. "To some extent yes I can. If I'm in a bind or the others are in trouble, then I can't do anything about it—the spirit breaks free of my control and just is. It seems to know when things are dire and takes things into its own hands as it were.

It also knows that it cannot often intervene, but it seems to feel when I need it and it begins to build within me. I have been able to stop it on two occasions. I guess the more we get used to each other, the more I'll be able to control it when it tries to exert itself when I don't need it to."

I nodded. "I imagine it will come down to give and take. You'll have to learn each others' strengths and weaknesses, without draining each other to the point of death," I said matter of factly. "Aren't you worried though? Do you really have a true, symbiotic relationship? Are you one or two entities? Do you feel it all the time? Does it... I'm sorry I'm trying to understand how you can be so calm about this. It could kill you. Aren't you afraid?"

Smiling she looked at me and I was struck by how much younger she looked, how vital and full of health. Her skin glowed, her eyes were a beautiful deep blue, her hair soft and shining in the light of the candles and dying fire.

"I can see how you would have questions, the fact is I don't know. Sometimes I can feel it watching, through my eyes. It loves to look, watch and listen," she laughed. "No, it doesn't speak to me, but I seem to just know when it is there behind my eyes. It has no say in what I do, what I think or believe. It just is. It keeps me alive and I am grateful for that.

However," Wynne said looking down, refusing to look at me "I was worried you'd think I was an abomination, I know that you would have every right to do so, but I was also hoping that you would see this for what it was; my fade spirit acted out of compassion and and saved my life. I've not finished doing what needs to be done yet Anders, the spirit has given me the time to do so."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I'm not sure... I have this feeling that I'm not done here, not in the slightest. Maybe, one day, I will tell you a little more about my past, about me. Not yet though, there are other, more important things to think about. This union is a true gift and one I am grateful for and will use with care."

I looked at her and smiled. She was right, I didn't have to understand. I could look at her as being an abomination and shun her. Hadn't she done it once to a friend of ours? But do two wrongs make a right? This was not a demon possessing an unaware mageling, a foolhardy act; this was a spirit of the fade giving back the life of it's user. A true act of compassion, the sort of thing we may dream of but never experience. No, I didn't believe her to be an abomination, she was a healer of exceptional talent, a former mentor and now a friend. I would honour my promises, I was also honoured by the fact that she and Christie had entrusted me with this secret and I took her hands in mine and told her as much.

"Thank you Anders," she said. "I will do what I can for Christie and the others, but you need to prepare yourself, we may not all survive what is to come. The end is near and it will take a sacrifice of tremendous proportions to survive the horror of the Archdemon."

I looked at her, not understanding her meaning. "Do what you can," I begged. "Keep them alive."

"I will do my best," she promised.

Wynne left soon after and I went to bed feeling disquieted and not at all sure about the future as I once had.

By the time I rose in the morning, they had gone.