Title: I beg for just one reason to give you regret

Author: Thiscanbeinteresting

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Rating: T

Warnings: Don't think I need any warnings on this one.

Word Count: 2,091

Disclaimer: Unfortunately Supernatural doesn't belong to me. I'm just playing around with the characters in it.

Summary: College AU. Dean plans for the party this weekend and Castiel doesn't look forward to it. He wants to hook up with girls and wants Castiel to join but a secret hidden from the past is impossible to hide when he reacts strongly after Dean starts to ask questions.

Chapter one

Castiel sat in his uncomfortable college bed, leaned against the headboard with his history book in his lap. Even if this room wasn't the nicest and he had to share bathroom with other students it was better than he was used to. He didn't miss home. Home was something he never wanted to give a thought. It didn't deserve it and it just was filled with his painful childhood memories. He was trying to study but not an easy task when Dean, his roommate and best friend sat on his bed on the other side of the room talking with him about whatever came to his mind. They had been roommates since he started college for a year ago and friends since then. Dean was the popular, outgoing, good looking type of guy everyone wanted to know and be with. Castiel was an awkward, shy nerd that no one knew about but he had managed waking Dean's interest in some way and they quickly got friends. They were different but Castiel thought that it was the reason why they actually became so good friend. Dean helped him through social situations that he wasn't good at. He always felt claustrophobic in crowded places but with Dean on his side he could get through it. Castiel helped Dean with different things with school. He had trouble concentrating and often missed things from class but he had Castiel that filled out the blank spots for him. They had the perfect friendship but Castiel had one secret he couldn't share. Something that was too painful for him to even think about. He was too afraid it would change the friendship they had. Dean would never look at him in the same way and it tear on him, knowing that he hid the truth from him.

Dean smiled at Castiel from his bed and tossed a tennis ball he had played around with in Castiel's head to get his attention. Castiel looked at him with a slightly frown and took the ball in his hands as it fell down on the bed.

"What are you doing, Dean?"

"Do you have someone to go with to the party this weekend?" He asked with a smirk and quickly caught the ball Castiel tossed back at him. Castiel sighed and shook his head. Of course he hadn't. He wasn't really the guy everyone wanted and he actually couldn't care less. It wasn't worth it and beside he didn't want to be intimate with someone, especially not anyone of the girls. He hated those parties that were thrown at the campus. Everyone had to go. It was just how it was and Castiel didn't like parties. "You can maybe go with me. I have a girl that I promised to go with but…" Dean sighed and chuckled. "Not really interested at all and I feel like just going alone or with a friend. So what do you say?"

"So you are just going to dump the girl like that?" Castiel snorted and felt a bit stupid. He was just an excuse for not going with the girl and how would the girl feel. He didn't want to be a part of that.

"Oh come on, man! Don't bail on me." Dean pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

"It's more you that bail on the girl." Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes. He thought about how this girl was really excited for the date and now Dean would go and say that he didn't want to go because of course she would get disappointed when he would tell her he didn't want to go with her. She was supposed to go with Dean Winchester and that was a pretty big thing. Dean frowned and looked down on his fingers that fiddled with his shirt. Castiel sighed when he saw how Dean looked away and didn't seem so happy anymore. He didn't like to see him like that and he could almost do anything to change that. Castiel was too weak for that look for his own good. "Okay, Dean. I can come with you but only if you dump the girl nicely so it won't be any hurt feelings." Dean looked back at him and smiled big.

"Awesome, Cas! Think it will be more fun and besides we can maybe find something there." He said excited and winked at him. Castiel frowned at the thought of that. Being forced to flirt with girls wouldn't be pretty. He was shy as it was and he still didn't like the idea of party at all. Too crowded places made him anxious. He even threw up once when he was younger during one of his mother's parties just because of the stress he got from it. The taste of vomit almost got back when he thought of it. Dean chuckled a bit nervously when he saw how pale Castiel got.

"Dude, are you okay?" Castiel got dragged back from his own thoughts to the real world and nodded quickly.

"I'm fine, Dean." He mumbled and looked down in his history book again. Trying to read but the text just blurred together and he closed it as he laid it on his night stand that was clean from stuff. Compared to Dean's that had empty cans, condom packets and dirty sock all over it.

"You don't really look fine." Dean sighed and took a closer look at him with narrowed eyes. "Don't say you still haven't popped your cherry." He raised his eyebrows at him. Castiel felt panic raise in him from that question. It was the question he always was afraid to be asked. Everything about sex made him nervous and not because of the reason normal people had. He was surprised that Dean hadn't asked earlier but he maybe took that for granted.

"Technically I'm not a virgin." Castiel sighed with a deep frown on his face as he felt the old scars rip up from his memories flashing by. He started to feel sick again as always when he thought about it. His body started to shake and he felt cold. Dean was his best friend but this. He just couldn't talk about it. It was too close to him. Dean had just scratched on the surface and everything came up to him again.

"Was it that bad?" Dean said and chuckled nervously. Castiel just frowned and stayed silent. It was bad and not because of the reason Dean thought of. "C'mon, man! Who was it?" Dean asked with raised eyebrows. "I need to know who not to fuck." He grinned but stopped when he saw Castiel's even paler face.

Castiel's heart started to rush when he asked about who it was. He couldn't lie and especially not to Dean because he could notice that from miles if he lied or not. It wasn't good that they were so close right now. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It was nearly impossible and he couldn't get his breathing normally. The room started to spin and his vision got blurry. He looked over at Dean and could hardly see his green eyes that were filled with worry.

"Excuse me, Dean." Castiel said quietly as he got up from the bed and rushed over to the bathroom and into a booth and knelt down by the toilet. Just as he got down by it his body shuddered as his stomach cramped and he threw up. Out of a distance he could hear Dean's worried voice and feel his hand stroking his back. He had forgotten to lock the door. Now he knew he made Dean even more worried. As he thought of that a new wave of nausea hit him and he threw up once more. After a few minutes he started to get more aware of the surroundings and could more clearly feel the touch of Dean and hear his voice softly talking to him. It was calming but he felt bad for making him worried.

"Do you still feel sick, Cas?" Dean asked him, his voice filled with worry. Castiel just shook his head quickly. Pulling up his long sleeve and dried his mouth with the back off his hand. Quickly he flushed the toilet so Dean wouldn't have to see content of his stomach.

"Sorry, Dean. You weren't supposed to see that." He muttered and let Dean help him up from the floor on his shaky legs.

"Don't apologise. C'mon! Let's get back to our room and I will get you a water bottle and we will talk." Dean sighed and laid his arm around his waist and carefully helped him back. Castiel leaned against him. It was nearly impossible for him to walk by his own. His legs shook too much to keep himself steady. Castiel still didn't feel good but he wouldn't throw up more. His stomach was empty. He nodded and felt he had to tell the truth now. If he didn't do it now Dean would go around and worry without reason and he didn't want that for his best friend. He deserved to know now. Still he was terrified. What reaction would Dean get? He took a deep breath and sat down on his bed Dean had leaded him to. Carefully he moved himself so he could lean against the wall and put a pillow behind his back. He still felt dizzy but the nausea was over. Now it just felt like someone was eating on his guts, digging a hole in his stomach and leaving him empty. He felt really anxious. The worry for what Dean would think was taking over his mind and he almost didn't reacted when he handed a water bottle for him.

"Cas, earth is calling." Dean sighed and shook Castiel lightly as he sat down beside him. Castiel sighed and with shaky hands he took the water bottle and tried to move it to his mouth but he was too weak. His arms didn't want to move more than half way up to his mouth. He looked over to Dean and felt that he had to swallow his pride. Asking for help for such a simple thing wasn't easy.

"Dean… Can you help me?" He asked and the words choke in his throat but Dean understood him and took the water bottle from him. Carefully Dean put it against Castiel's dry lips and poured the liquor into his mouth. Castiel swallowed the water down with slightly blushed face and the vomit taste got washed away. It still was there but most of it was gone. He was really thankful for that. After he had drunk up so the bottle just was half full Dean removed the bottle and leaned forward in the bed to reach so he could put it down on the floor.

"Thank you." Castiel smiled slightly and started to feel a bit stronger but he still didn't feel good. The hard task was still there. It was something he just had to do. He felt Dean's gaze on him and he nervously looked down in his lap. Of course Dean wanted an explanation now.

"Cas… What was all of this about?" Dean asked quietly and leaned back against the wall again. Castiel sighed deep and glanced at him with a deep frown. This was it. He had to now. The thing just his family knew about, their secret. It had to be revealed.

"Do you mind, Dean sitting over in your bed? I…" He sighed again and looked excusing at him. "This feels too near right now. Not comfortable telling it like this." Dean smiled slightly and stroked Castiel's shoulder quickly.

"It's alright. Just if you give me an explanation I will be happy or what you now can call it. Happy maybe isn't the right word now." Dean's smile was gone and got up from Castiel's bed to move over to his own and sat on the edge of it.

Castiel took a deep breath and looked nervously around in the room before his gaze stopped at Dean. He was about to do it now. His heart rushed again but he in one way started to feel safe. Dean could handle this. He knew that now. He was his best friend, his only real friend. Dean needed to know and he trusted him with his life.

"Just promise me, Dean that you will never treat me different in any way after this." Castiel sighed and gave him a weak smile.

"I promise."