I do not own Twilight. Also, this story is a parody of Twilight. If you like Twilight, you don't have to read it.

Bella's POV:

I sat back in the seat of Edward's car, staring at his gorgeous face. He looked like he was made of wax: pale, cold, and too perfect to be human.

"Someone at school told me you were a vampire," I said, trying to get him to confess that he was, in fact, a vampire. I already knew he was a vampire, because I'm smart. But if confessed to me that he was a vampire, that would mean that he trusted me. And if he trusted me, that would mean that he liked me. And if he liked me…

"Yeah, well, I've been 17 for a while now," Edward's melodious voice broke into my beautiful, sparkly daydream.

"Are you… a vampire?"

"No, but you're close."

"Are you a vampire?"

"No."

"Are you a vampire, then?"

"NO. I'll give you a hint, Bella, it begins with a 'Z'."

"You're a zampire?"

"No!"

"A zzzzzz-vampire?"

"No!" Edward looked angry. He couldn't be angry at me, though. I'm too pretty for anyone to be angry at. Maybe he was angry at himself because he didn't want to be a vampire. "I'm a zombie, Bella." I stared at him.

"Of course you are," I said, deciding not to believe him. I'm very smart, and I could tell he was just lying because he didn't want to be a vampire. "You're a very good-looking zombie." I batted my eyelashes at him.

"Carlisle was a taxidermist before he was bitten. He's figured out how to keep us looking… human," Edward answered, in a low, melodic voice.

"HA! You said bitten! I knew you were a vampire!" I exclaimed joyfully.

"Look Bella, you've got to listen to me. I'm a ZOMBIE. I don't want to bite you and make you another zombie. Zombies create other zombies by accident, mostly, if they don't get to finish a meal. VAMPIRES try to make other vampires, and vampires are leeches who think they're sexy. I want to EAT you. You smell…. You smell very, very good," he said, wistfully. A thin line of drool hung from his mouth. It sparked like dew on rose petals.

I fluffed my gorgeous, flowing dark brown hair a little. Edward smiled hugely, and took his hands off the steering wheel to reach for my hair. I leaned towards him a little. All of a sudden he jerked his hands back to the wheel, and stared straight out at the road. I sighed. Edward was so stupid. Why couldn't he see that I liked him?

"You are so, so stupid, Bella," he muttered. "I just told you that I want to eat you, and you're still flirting with me?"

"You're hot," I said.

Edward's eyes lit up. "Bella, have you ever wondered why my siblings and I go to school with regular humans, even though we're dead?"

"Because destiny ordained that we should meet?" I murmured.

"We keep going to school because it keeps us human. The smarter someone is, the worse their brain tastes. People learn things in schools, even if they're only learning how to sleep in class and not get caught. So if we're in a place where people are learning things, their brains are less appetizing, and we're less tempted to attack them." I nodded, even though I didn't understand a word Edward had just said. "But you, Bella…" Edward trailed off again. "You are the most monumentally stupid person I've ever met. It's taking every ounce of humanity left in me not to eat your brain right now. You need to get smarter, fast, or one of us is going to lose control and have you for dessert."

"So, you're trying to warn me of impending danger?" I fluttered my eyelashes again. Edward pulled into my driveway and stopped the car.

"This isn't a warning, Bella. This is a promise."