SLASH! Alternate-Universe. When Dan makes a misogynistic comment during a visit to Madame Zelda, she curses both him and Chris. They wake up the next morning in another world where everyone is the opposite gender, including them and no one knows what happened but them! Meanwhile, Chris deals with his unwanted attraction for Dan's female form. [Dan/Chris]

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, a lot of people enjoy gender-bends, especially in the Dan Vs fandom. The leading contributor of this is the fabulous (beautiful, talented, amazing) Simoleon Lime. This story was a passing idea of hers for an episode of Dan Vs and I decided to scribble out a fanfiction. The majority of the designs and names are based off of her artwork, though a few are my own. It is going to be the Dan/Chris pairing because that is my OTP and I love it and shut up. This is my first Dan Vs centering around Dan rather than Chris as well as being in third person, so forgive me. PS. Though I am a feminist this really isn't a feminist story, so please don't take it that way even though Dan is transformed into a female due to his disparaging remarks about women. I needed a catalyst that was interesting. This chapter is very short, it's more of a prologue.

WARNINGS: This story is rated for homosexuality, adultery, adult language, alcohol use, cigarette use, gender bending, and adult themes

DEDICATIONS: This story is dedicated to Simoleon Lime because the basic idea was hers as well as most of the gender-bent designs. While some of the names are hers, I chose others myself and tweaked the designs ever-so-slightly.

PAIRINGS:Chris/Dan [Christine/Dana]

Dan Vs. © Dan Mandel & Chris Pearson
FanFiction © Courtney Dracon (LuffySP)
Gender-Bent Designs (and cover-image) © Simoleon Lime

"The Fairer Sex"

Chapter One: Cursed

"I am telling you Dan, that wasn't a vampire. It was just some Goth kid at the mall." Chris frowned, flexing his fingers around the steering wheel. He fiddled with the rearview mirror and glanced at the man in the passenger's seat. Dan was staring out the window at the inky, cloudless sky with the same irritated expression that he usually wore, brow furrowed, emerald eyes glistening in the pale moonlight.

"Then why was he carrying an umbrella outside? Hmm?" he asked, turning to glare at the larger man. Chris smiled weakly, about to open his mouth to give a plausible explanation when Dan cut him off. "Obviously to make sure the sun didn't turn him into dust!" he spat, crossing his arms over his slender chest indignantly. The other man shook his head, dismissing the shaggy-haired misanthrope and pulling his car alongside the side of the street, putting it into park.

"Dan, what part of Goth did you not understand?" Chris questioned, frowning. Dan ignored him and instead busied himself by unbuckling his seatbelt. He kicked the passenger's side door open and hopped out onto the sidewalk. Dan shoved his hands into his pocket and tread on his beaten black Dockers agitatedly while he waited for Chris to cut the engine.

Chris fiddled with his own seatbelt, unbuckling it successfully and exited the car. He walked around the front of the scuffed blue four-door sedan and joined the annoyed man on the sidewalk. Dan motioned for him to follow and they began strolling up the winding walkway towards the rickety, yellow house with the glowing sign reading Psychic plastered in the front window. Chris noted the hours of operation were long since passed, though he doubted something as trivial as another person's sleep habits met anything to Dan.

"Clearly this goth persona is simply a disguise so that the masses of simpletons to not realize that the undead walk amongst them." Dan stated wryly, as if this was the simplest solution in the world. He glanced at the broad-shouldered man at his side, glaring from underneath bushy raven brows.

"Eh," Chris frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. He tugged his cell phone out of the breast pocket of his loose, orange button-down shirt and checked the time, it was nearly one in the morning and he knew that Elise would be calling soon to ask him where he was and why he hadn't come home yet. He often wondered why she did that. He was always with Dan…

"Well," Dan continued his rant unbidden."I don't care if you're a non-believer, Chris!" the dark-haired man scowled, puffing out his cheeks in agitation. "I can't expect someone with your intellect to understand the complexities of the supernatural, anyway." he said snarkily, running his fingers through his messy hair and returning his penetrating gaze to the taller man. "It doesn't matter anyway because we're going to teach that blood-sucking shit to cut me off in the parking lot and steal my spot!" Dan seethed, waving his hands waving his hands in exasperation like the conductor of an insane orchestra. "We're getting some vampire repellent and that's that." he stated matter-of-factly, indicating that the case was closed. Chris rolled his eyes, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

Chris shook his head, smiling to himself. He often wondered how he was dragged into such insane schemes, most of which he knew would end in total disaster. He glanced at the pallor man in the loose fitting tee shirt and jeans, watching him as he fiddled with the elaborate brass door knocker. Dan was almost too short to reach it properly and was beginning to get angry with it. Chris couldn't help but notice that he looked adorable, like a furious little gnome with a black goatee. Right, that's why. The blue-eyed man scratched the side of his nose, feeling his cheeks reddening.

"MADAME ZELDA!" Dan yelled, abandoning the knocker entirely and choosing instead to simply pound on the door with clenched fists. Chris bit his lip, he was sure that Dan had managed to wake up not only the foreign psychic but all of her neighbors as well. There was a clatter inside the house followed by some mild cursing and the door swung open to reveal a disheveled woman in a fluffy blue and pink robe covered in an elaborate design of what Chris assumed were "third eyes," her blonde hair wrapped in matching curlers. Her rose shaded glasses were balanced precariously on the end of her nose. She spotted Dan and her surprised expression quickly became one of utter distaste.

"Vat do you vant?" she asked in obvious irritation.

"Nothin' much, Zeldy!" Dan said, pushing past her and entering the house without being invited. Chris saw her left eye twitch in frustration as she fought internally not to bash her most loathed customer over the head with the nearest blunt object. Her icy blue eyes followed Dan around the room as he made himself at home, running his finger across the glass-front of a frame holding one of the psychic's many "certificates" from various universities, leaving a long streak in across the face. He observed the dust on the tip of his finger, blowing on it and sending a cloud of dust mites up into the air. "We just want some vampire repellent."

Chris idled on the stoop next to the open door, unsure if Dan's intrusion was a cue for him to follow his friend into the house or if he should wait for an actual invitation from the woman who owned it. He finally decided on the former, joining the others in the front room. Madame Zelda closed the door behind him and flipped on a light, bathing the room in a dim yellow glow. She returned her gaze to Dan, frowning skeptically, crossing her arms over her generous chest. "Vampires?" she echoed, her thin brow furrowing. "Vhy do yew sink I vould 'elp a man who 'as refused me payment twice?"

The petite misanthrope stopped playing with the many trinkets around the room and turned to the psychic, his face filled with feigned hurt. "Zeldy, I'm hurt!" he said, grabbing his chest as if his heart was in pain. "I have never intentionally cheated you out of your money!" he said in a tortured voice, throwing his arms over his eyes and whipping his head backward with dramatic flair only he could manage. Chris stayed silent, fighting both the urge to laugh at him and hit him, probably for the same reason.

"Vat about when you ran away after trying to kill me vit an axe and vit my golden soldiers?" she pointed out. Dan removed his arm from his face and smiled at the psychic. Chris noticed the way his green eyes glittered like emeralds in the semi-darkness and bit the inside of his cheek, forcing the thought from his head.

"Well, that…" Dan grinned sheepishly, running his fingers through his shaggy raven locks and scratching the side of his nose. He shrugged his shoulders, stuffing his hands into his pockets and smiling up at the blonde. "Look, I brought Chris with me today and everything. He just got paid. He has a job and everything, you know. He's one of those." Dan explained, loosely flopping his wrist. "I promise you will get your money." He reassured her.

She studied him for a moment, but shook her head. "It really doesn't matter anyway, at zis moment I do not 'ave any vampire repellent kits." she informed them, tucking a stray piece of her honey locks behind her ear and frowning. "I gave all my garlic to a blonde cheerleader. You will 'ave to come back tomorrow."

Dan's somewhat lackadaisical expression transformed from one of nonchalance to fury in a split-second. His thick brows furrowed, the lines in his forehead deepening in anger. He tugged a notepad out of his back pocket and scribbled something down, slipping the tattered papers back into his pants before spitting, "We should have known better than to go to a female psychic." Dan snarled.

"Excuse me?" Madame Zelda asked, taken aback. Her expression matched Dan's own in distaste. She peered down at the man in front of her as if he were a mere cockroach she had tread upon, accidentally. The look of pure disgust that crossed her features at his disturbing remark resembled one that Elise often wore when speaking to the shorter man.

"Dan! What are you talking about?" Chris asked, exasperated. He was used to Dan disparaging everything from doctors to clouds that were too fluffy, but he had always found his misogynistic comments to be rather unnerving. The gap-toothed man had always been respectful of the opposite sex. Chris was more feminine than most men and despite his broad-shouldered appearance he was soft-spoken and preferred being a homebody to the breadwinner. He easily bent to the desires of those who were more strong-willed than he, easily manipulated by the wishes of the passionate. Chris had always speculated that this was what attracted him to Dan in the first place, in spite of his flaws he was an all-consuming force; a titan whose need for vengeance consumed those around him in the furious cyclone of his wrath.

"Oh come on, Chris!" Dan sniped, glaring up at his friend. "Women are completely unreliable. That's why I have never gotten married." he stated, crossing his arms over his chest and poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek angrily. Chris felt something inside of him snap out of pure annoyance.

"That's why?" Chris said, furiously waving his arms in frustration like a giant windmill. Dan rolled his eyes, ignoring the other man and heading for the door.

"Whatever Chris, we're leaving." Dan muttered, stopping and turning toward Chris, gesturing towards the exit expectantly. The taller of the two friends started towards the door when they heard a clatter behind them. The two men turned slowly around to face the psychic, their mouths dropping open.

Madame Zelda, who had been quiet while observing the display between the two men with mild interest was levitating a few inches off the ground. Her hair had escaped from her curlers and was now floating around her head in a twisted, eerie halo of gold. The curlers swirled around her body like moons orbiting a planet, her robe floating away from her curvaceous form. She slowly opened her eyes, to reveal thick pools of glowing blue without a discernible iris or pupil. They gulped.

"Oh little misanthrope," Madame Zelda's cooed, her voice other worldly and absent her accent. Chris can feel Dan shaking slightly at his side. He reached out to grab the larger man's hand in favor of the usual fearful embraces. "I believe that you need to be taught a lesson about the fairer sex. With the power of the Goddess, I place a curse upon you until you learn the error of your ways and understand women more completely." she said, suddenly turning to Chris and adding, "You will join him on this journey until you realize the truth you have been hiding within yourself underneath a guise of normalcy."

- 0 -

After leaving Madame Zelda's, Chris drove Dan home in complete silence. They chose not to discuss what they had witnessed in the home of the psychic, nor the fact that they did not let go of one another's hands until the taller man finally pulled his car into the parking space next to the tiny red hatchback at the Casa del Paradisio. It was nearly six o' clock in the morning and the sun was peeking from behind the clouds, illuminating the absent roads. Chris glanced at the digital clock on his dash, frowning. He knew that he would get an earful from Elise the moment he got home. There was a part of him that wished he could just stay the night at Dan's and avoid her entirely, but as Dan left the car without another word he pushed the thought away and shifted the car into reverse, pulling back out onto the road and driving towards his home.

Dan trotted up the stairs towards the eighth door, forcing it open and entering his apartment without bothering to turn on the light. A tiny ball of fur streaked across his path, and he shed his shoes and jeans, falling face-first into the bed and drifting into a fitful sleep.

The next morning when Dan woke up, he felt decidedly lighter.

He sat up, barely glancing at the clock and running his fingers through his hair, frowning. For some reason, he found his hair to considerably longer than it had been the night before. In fact, it was somewhere past his shoulders, jet black and unruly. Dan blinked, rubbing his tired eyes furiously and looking at his hands, finding them smeared in black. He recognized the substance as eyeliner, the same kind that Hortense's bridesmaids had put on him a few months ago. Had Chris pulled a prank on him? His brow furrowed, angrily. Some prank, putting a wig and make-up on him! In fact, he didn't even remember inviting the huge goof up last night…

Dan growled, but the sound came out might higher than usual. He clapped his hands over his mouth but discovered that his skin was smooth to the touch, creamy and free of hair. He rubbed his chin, finding none of the usual scruff. Dan screamed, high-pitched and throaty. His heart began beating faster, he could hear it in his ears. He was sweating in his utter panic, hyperventilating as he ran his hands down his body. Dan discovered a small, slender frame unlike his own. His hands settled on large, pert breasts with large nipples protruding through the thin fabric of his JERK tee shirt. He squeezed the boobs awkwardly, testing their authenticity and the nerves tingled. He yelped from the pain of nails in flesh. Finally, he reached down with trembling painted nails, peeking into his extremely short, striped pajama shorts...

Oh fuck…