Author's Note: Hey guys! This is my first self-harm story. If I mess it up, I'm sorry. I would just like to take a moment and send positive thoughts and prayers to all those suffering from self-harm. I really do want people suffering from self-harm to get better and realize how beautiful life is, no matter how many bad things have happened to you. As always, I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
**Warning** This contains implications of sexual abuse, cutting, and dark material. Please be cautionary as this includes explicit descriptions of gore. Thank you.
There's a moment in your life where everything changes. At least one, should I say. Whether it be your wedding, or a death of a close family member, or a serious accident. For better or for worse, everybody has that one moment.
And Emily Prentiss sure as hell had more than her fair share of those.
It was dark. It was cold. And she was alone. He… No. It. 'He' didn't deserve such a title. It took advantage of her solitude and fear. It slammed her down and pulled her clothes off. It dragged its claws through her body, reaping each and every part of her soul. She couldn't fight it, but she could definitely feel it.
"Please. Please don't do this," she whispered. But it didn't listen. It continued down her body, drawing blood with each mark it made. Her life spilled out of every gaping wound.
It breathed heavily, reaching her sacred area.
"Please…" she mumbled.
It tore apart her delicate skin, bringing pleasure to itself, but pain to her.
"Please!" she screamed. "Don't!" She attempted to wriggle away, but its grip was too strong. Her cuffed wrists were beginning to bleed, and the chafing wasn't helping at all.
"Stop," she muttered. "Please stop."
And just like that, everything faded away.
White
White was the color of the pills that were scattered all over the floor.
Yanking open her cabinet, she pulled out her secret orange pill bottle she had stored maybe years ago. It was filled to the top, and she didn't care if they were old, or expired. She just wanted to die. One by one, the pills slid down her throat, growing thicker and thicker as she downed them.
She had no idea how many she had consumed. All she knew was that they were setting in, and she was beginning to grow sleepy.
Red
Red was the color of the blood that flowed from her wrists. From her thighs. From her shoulders, her stomach, her forearms.
The cold blade sunk into her perfect skin, marring it for the first time. It was painful, but as the blood seeped through the thin cut, it felt… good. She dragged the blade over her wrist and watched as her bodily fluids exited her veins. Before she knew it, there were knife marks everywhere. She had even managed a few on her shoulder blades. How, she had absolutely no idea. She slumped back and slid down the wall, her excessive blood spews making the process just that much faster. The blade was no longer cold, but now warm with her blood. She scraped it along just about everywhere until her body couldn't take the pain. She didn't want to stop.
It just felt so good.
Red was the only color she could see.
Blue
Blue was the color of the two eyes that found her. The eyes that found her laying so feebly… So, vulnerable. She had only come to pick her up and take her out to dinner…
"Emily?" JJ rapped her fist on the door. "Em, I'm here."
Nobody answered. The lights were on, and she could see a crack of light from the bathroom.
Typical Emily, she thought to herself. Always taking forever to get ready.
She pulled out her phone from her purse and called Emily's home number. When that didn't work, JJ just thought Emily was purposely ignoring her in order to complete her preening and primping. She dialed Emily's cell, knowing that she would have it with her at all times. Nothing happened. A few calls later, and JJ was beginning to worry.
Dialing Morgan's number, she sighed. "Hey Derek," she spoke once he answered. "Can you try Emily's cell, please?"
After a few minutes, Morgan called back. "No luck. Sorry, Blondie." He hung up.
Well, no harm in investigating. I mean, that is your job, she reminded herself. She pulled the spare key out of her pocket that Emily had given to her. She opened the door and walked into the home. There was an odd smell, but JJ couldn't place it. Knocking on the bathroom door, she heard nothing.
"Em, stop messing with me," she warned cautiously. Still, hearing no answer, she pushed the door open…
"Oh my God…" JJ choked. Emily's hair was caked with dry blood. How long she had been there, JJ didn't know, nor could she figure out. Emily was barely breathing, creating just soft rises and falls of her stomach. Blood was pooling around Emily's prone body. JJ was about to puke. The sticky red substance was absolutely everywhere. She raked her eyes over the room, running her fingers through her hair.
Bloody fingerprints on the wall indicated that Emily had reached for the towels. A box of bandages was tipped over, spilling out its contents. Emily's shirt was soaking wet with her blood. JJ pulled Emily up ever so gently in an attempt to prop her up on the wall, but the fluid was too slippery. Now JJ's hands were covered and dripping in the sticky red liquid. The sight was almost too much for the blonde to take. But the smell… The smell was something she could never forget.
Then she found the knife. It was a perfect silver blade, curving over at the end. JJ had never seen anything like it. The edge was covered in fresh and dry blood alike.
Tears were already dripping out of her eyes when Emily began to stir. "J-J…" she mumbled breathily. JJ sucked in a deep breath and turned her attention back to Emily.
"I…I'm done trying. I've cried… Cried so many times, JJ. I know I've been smiling. All the time… I try. But inside, I-I'm… I'm dying…"
"No, no, no, Emily. Look at me. Take my hand. Right here," she guided Emily's hand to hers and held it tightly. With her free hand, she pulled out her cell phone and shakily dialed 911.
"911, please describe your emergency," a female operator answered. JJ cleared her throat.
"This is SSA Jennifer Jareau with the FBI. I'm here with SSA Emily Prentiss. I need an ambulance right now," JJ demanded, her voice quivering.
"Okay, Agent. Are you still in your same location?"
"Y-yes. Please. Just hurry… There's… There's b-blood. A-a lot of blood," she whispered. She dropped her bloody cell phone and crawled over to Emily's towel rack. She yanked one off and began to mop up the mess around Emily's body.
"JJ… Just let me die," Emily mumbled with a heavy sigh. JJ swallowed the lump in her throat.
"The hell I will, Emily. Just stay with me," she murmured, dampening a smaller hand towel. She dabbed at Emily's face to clean the blood off of her.
"Stop," Emily grabbed JJ's wrist. For the tremendous amount of blood she had lost, her grip was strong. She was leaving bloody fingerprints on JJ's smooth, white skin.
"No, Emily. I have to help you. I'm not letting you die," she said firmly. JJ reached out a hand to brush Emily's hair back, but Emily ducked out of her way. This brought great pain to the already vulnerable brunette, making her head throb even more.
"Emily…" JJ said softly. She could faintly hear the sirens.
"What," Emily breathed. JJ squeezed her hand gently.
"Emily, I'm gonna need to leave for just a second, okay? I need to show the medics where you are," she explained slowly. Emily shook her head.
"Don't show them. Jennifer, do not show them."
"Emily, I can't let you go. Not like this. Not again," she whispered. The sirens were growing louder and louder, and finally, after what seemed like forever, MEs were rushing into the room and ushering JJ aside.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but we need you to step away, please," a medic directed JJ calmly. The blonde obliged and stepped away shakily.
"Alright, lift her up," a different medic shouted. Four members hoisted Emily's dripping body from the floor onto the stretcher and whisked her away immediately.
"I-I need to go with her," JJ mumbled madly. She scrambled through the door and chased after the medics.
-D.C. General Hospital, 8:45 p.m.-
"Agent Jareau?" a nurse strode calmly into the room. JJ stood up briskly and pursed her lips, anticipating the worst.
"Well, Agent, Emily Prentiss has lost a tremendous amount of blood, which you have seen. She's in surgery right now, but I can't give you an update."
JJ's blood boiled. It wasn't even 'that time of the month', and she was already getting pissed.
"Well then why the hell did you come in here? To tell me something I already know? What I don't know is why on God's green earth can't you give me a damned update," she roared at the nurse, turning heads. The younger woman shrank back timidly.
"Um, Agent, I just came in to ask you if there was anybody you wanted to notify," the nurse replied meekly. JJ closed her eyes and took a deep breath, shaking out her shoulders.
"I'm sorry…" she said softly, her eyes tearing up. "But, uh, no. Thank you."
The nurse nodded and walked away.
JJ sighed and sank back in her seat. What had gotten into Emily's head? More importantly, why was she doing this to herself? How long had she been doing this?
Actually, there were a few people she could've –and probably should've- notified. Ambassador Prentiss, Hotch, Morgan…
But she couldn't do that to Emily. She didn't want her best friend to go through lie detector tests and psych evals just because she couldn't keep a damn secret.
Realizing that sitting and moping wouldn't do her good, she hauled herself up and punched in a few numbers on the vending machine. Down dropped a candy bar, and she hungrily ripped it open and feasted on it.
Stop it, Jennifer! How the hell could you be eating a candy bar while your friend just OD'd on mystery pills and cut herself?
Feeling mixed emotions, she slammed the bar in the trash can and banged her head against the wall. It was too much for her to take. Her heart was beating fast as she walked back to her seat. Her brain was spinning, and she felt dizzy. She was tired, too, more than anything. Deciding that she should probably get some sleep, she settled back in her cushioned chair, curled up her legs, and drifted off to sleep.
-Hospital Lobby, 12:47 p.m.-
"Emily?" JJ bolted upright, nearly falling from her seat. The same nurse was standing by her.
"I was just coming to wake you up. Agent Prentiss has successfully made it through surgery. She's conscious now, and you are welcome to visit her," the nurse smiled. JJ took a deep breath.
"Thank you so much," she said sincerely. The nurse nodded and gestured to Emily's room. JJ eagerly followed the nurse down the hall and into the room.
"Oh… Emily," JJ whispered, rushing to her side. Emily's face was clearly pale from her loss of blood.
"JJ, I'm so sorry," she managed weakly. JJ shook her head.
"No, Emily. Don't you do that to me. Don't you apologize," she said firmly, taking her hand and caressing it gently.
"But it's my fault," Emily said softly.
"No, it's not, Emily."
"JJ, I did this to myself. You don't know why, but I do. And it is my fault," Emily spat back groggily.
"Emily, you're right. I don't know what happened, or why. But this is not your fault."
"I just can't do it, anymore. I can't keep on hiding secrets from you guys. None of you deserve that. Why didn't you just let me end it?"
"Stop it! Stop talking like that!" JJ cried, tugging at her hair. "You're making me crazy."
"I'm sorry…" Emily continued, ignoring JJ's previous plea.
"Emily. Just stop apologizing, okay? What happened to you was not your fault, and I never want you to think that."
"I was stupid to trust him, JJ. So… Stupid."
"No, you weren't. You needed that kind of relationship to fill an empty space. And you shouldn't be embarrassed about that," JJ assured her. Emily shook her head.
"Why couldn't I have picked someone normal?" she griped. JJ gave a small laugh, trying to diffuse the tension.
"Do you want me to call anyone? Morgan, your mom…?"
"I think I want to let them know. But when I'm ready, okay? Please. Just let me do this on my own.
"Of course, Emily," JJ whispered, focusing her eyes on a stitch that ran up all the way from Emily's wrist to her shoulder. She hesitantly placed a finger on it. Feeling no indifference from Emily, she traced her finger along the scar.
"It's terrible, JJ. They'll fade, but they won't go away," Emily said softly. JJ shook her head.
"They're beautiful. You're so strong, Emily. But you have to stop," JJ said firmly.
"I know. I think I've learned my lesson. I swear," Emily promised. JJ nodded.
"I believe you, Emily. But I never wanna go back to your place to find you drowning in a pool of your own blood, okay?"
"I promise."
JJ nodded for what seemed like the millionth time that night. A small tear dripped onto Emily's blanket. The brunette reached up feebly and wiped the tear off JJ's face.
"Hey," she whispered. "No tears, 'kay?"
" 'Kay," JJ replied, still holding Emily's hand.
And that night, Emily Prentiss found comfort. She found closure, and for the last time, she put down her knife.
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed it! I mean, as much as you can enjoy it… Anyway… Review please! Thanks :)