If I were a better man, I would stay away from Anastasia. But I am not a better man. I'm one sick fuck. There is no debating that fact. But even knowing this, I can't give her up. Without her, I feel like I am slowly drowning. I'm nowhere near selfless enough to let her go, so I must do whatever is necessary to ensure that she remains mine and only mine.

I must convince her that I am worthy of her and can give her what she needs, even though I know I will never truly deserve her. She has said that I don't play fair and she couldn't be more correct about that. What she doesn't realize is that if I play fair and tell her the full truth about who and what I am, she will never want to see me again. I can't risk that.

She probably never wants to see you again as it is.

As much as I hate it, that voice may be right. She may have completely washed her hands of me. The thought fills me with desperation and a need to confront her, so that I will know once and for all if I have any chance with her. Yet, I know I'm not ready to see Ana face-to-face again. I haven't fully formulated my plan to win her back. I must gain some sort of control over my own emotions and actions before I see her, otherwise I'll either frighten her, make a huge fool of myself, or both. Still, I am desperate to see her, so I turn to video surveillance.

Big Brother is indeed watching, but in many cases it is not the government doing the watching. Businesses are the one whose eyes are on us more often than not. There are countless private security cameras in use by everything from the smallest mom and pop store to the largest corporation. All of it is done in the name of security, mostly to discourage theft and vandalism or to aid in capturing those criminals who fail to be discouraged. The bottom line is that it is all done for the sake of the almighty dollar, which many may argue is the true ruler of the country anyway. Regardless, whatever your political philosophy, it is a simple fact that there are very few public places that are not under surveillance and if you are wealthy and powerful enough, that surveillance footage is very easily accessible.

Thanks to the right connections along with the cameras at the small coffee shop across the street from her bus stop, and the cameras at the bar and grill across the street from SIP, I have gained a small glimpse into her first day on the job.

It would not make her happy, but I need to see her regardless of her what her wishes may be. The only image I have of her is the shot of the two of us at her graduation. I have stared at it for so long that I've memorized ever detail. I tell myself that I simply need to see more of her, but have to admit that is not the only reason. The truth is, I am afraid. I realize we've only been apart for two days, but I am afraid that she has moved on. Why shouldn't she? She is beautiful, desirable, intelligent, witty… so many things.

I'm aware of several young men who would be more than happy to help her move on. In the past she has apparently shown little to no interest in these suitors, but now that I have awakened her to her sexuality, I fear that she may change her mind. She may decide that she is no longer satisfied with a life of abstinence and that she would like to explore her passionate side with someone who isn't fifty shades of fucked-up… someone who deserves her.

But those boys don't deserve her either! They cannot give her the things I can give her. They won't know her body the way I do and will not make keeping her safe their number one priority. Why should they be allowed to have her? They can't have her.

I'm suddenly furious with Ana. How could she leave me like this? I am so miserable, so lost. The empire that I've worked so hard to obtain means nothing to me. Everything is gray and tasteless. The only thing that even mildly interested me today was getting the ball rolling on purchasing SIP. Ana will learn that she can't get rid of me so easily. One way or another I will have her back.

I am shaking with rage as I begin to view the bus stop footage on my laptop. She shouldn't even be riding the damn bus, but I know without a doubt that I will see her there. She hasn't been able to cash my check yet and she is too stubborn and proud to ask anyone else for help. She shouldn't need help. The silly girl would have a car if she hadn't thrown it back in my face. Why would she choose public transportation? She's likely to be groped by some drunken jackass. The thought makes me wants to hit something.

Around the 8:30 A.M. mark, I glimpse a familiar figure and stop fast forwarding. It is my Anastasia. I'd know her anywhere. She is wearing jeans and a button down blouse. Definitely not dressed like a professional, but my research on SIP indicates that it is a very casual atmosphere. Her clothing is not what is striking, however. When my eyes on fall on her face, all of my rage suddenly dissolves.

She looks so lost as she stands there waiting for the bus. Her shoulders are hunched and her eyes are downcast. I can barely see her beautiful face. I feel sick. Immediately, the image of Leila that was captured on Escala's security cameras while I was in Georgia comes to mind. They both look so haunted, so similar. Did I do this to Ana?

Yes, of course you did. This is what you do to women. This is how you like them – broken and beat down.

No! I can't bear to see Ana this way. I want to see her smile, hear her giggle. I don't want this. Even the beast that lives within me cringes away from the image on the screen. I'll do anything to erase the misery I see here in front of me. She deserves so much better than this. I wish I could hold her right now and comfort her somehow.

That's when it hits me. I don't want to hurt her anymore. In fact, I will do anything to avoid it. Having her back is the only thing that is important. The play room and all of its implements of pain seem very insignificant now. For the first time in my adult life I am willing to compromise for another person. I still need to control her, but I also realize that - more than anything - I need her to love me and I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. And if she wants hearts and flowers, I will give her hearts and flowers.

I minimize the screen and quickly do a search for local high-end florists. Under any other circumstances, I would ask Andrea to take on such a task - not that I've ever sent anyone flowers before. But I want to do this myself. I need to do this myself.

The note I send with the roses is not great poetry, but perhaps Anastasia will get the message and perhaps the flowers will bring a bit of light back to her face. At least it will be a step down the right path.

XXXXXXXXXX

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who has read and followed this story. I was truly overwhelmed. I know this was short, but I had no wish or intention to alter canon here. This is more of a character study. A glimpse of what Christian's thought process may have been like during their time apart.

All of the support has encouraged me to do what I originally wanted to do, which is to write an AU story in which Ana does sign the contract and becomes Christian's sub. Parts of it will be a bit dark, but like the novels, I plan on it being a love story and a story of redemption. Mostly, I'd like to take the tale down a different path for a while and see Christian struggle with trying to have 'everything' and realizing that he'd rather see Ana happy even if it means giving up some of his control.