Passing For Dummies

Christmas Special.

Where is my Santa

In a pink suit?

Is there really

A turkey in a pink hat?

Maybe it's really a girl

You're taking too long with your makeup, Santa

(Wa~ Merry Pin Xmas by Morning Musume (Sayupink & Kohapink)

I should be so happy right now. Waking up in the morning to find that it is a glorious, bright –cold mind you- and hopeful morning. Why do you ask? It's Christmas day, fool! In Japan we kind of celebrate Christmas. It's not as showy and epic as it would be in the West, but we have ONE DAY OFF, luckily, I go to the school that Heihachi Mishima owns and I didn't think that he liked Christmas, but he burst into the school hall a week before the holiday while the teachers were giving announcements to the different school year students saying that we have a week off on Christmas Eve and a week after Boxing day; strange really, 'cause all of the years have different days for assemblies. First year has one on Monday, we have one on Wednesday and the last year has one on Friday…

Did he burst into all three of them in a Santa suit instead of saying so on Monday through the intercom…?

Whatever! It's still pretty epic! I get almost two weeks off of High School when we normally have just Christmas off in my old school back in Osaka. Then again, this would be the first Christmas I spend away from my dad… Hm. Well, he did say that he would try to get here as soon as possible if they allow him out of the-

Why do I hear arguing downstairs?

Naturally, I would make my way downstairs and towards the source of the anger and REBELLION but I know those voices. I know one of those voices, kind of. Kazuya and Jin sound the same when they're arguing with aunt Jun. I hear a flamboyant voice and that's obviously uncle Lee in there throwing in a word or two for himself.

"Men should never argue with a woman, it's impossible fight to win!" Can't say it isn't completely true. Jun is involved in said fight. And she's probably winning. Seeing as it is impossible to win in an argument with my aunt… The only person that's stubborn enough to fight with her is Heihachi… Crap. When did he return from bursting into people's classes singing "JINGLE BELLS!"?'

Alright, what I'm about to say will scare those with weak hearts, so here it goes, Heichachi –no I don't call him my grandfather because he's not fit to be one- is standing in the middle of the hallway in a Santa outfit. Yeah. Not the same one he was wearing in school though because this one is special.

He has no pants on. He was just wearing a red Santa thong and I want to throw up so hard but there was nothing in my stomach. Lars was lying near the door in the hallway unconscious, most likely that he fainted out of shock. The poor guy didn't have enough guts to face it and for some reason Alisa was sitting next to him, fanning his face with a dirty white cloth… With… Straps… It looks like a… Couldn't be. Even Alisa has more sense than that to fan uncle Lars with such a soiled little thing.

"PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!" It was a high pitched scream that didn't come from aunt Jun or uncle Lee. Lars was still unconscious so he's out, Alisa was busy with her fanning.

It was uncle Kazzy.

Uncle Kazzy was screaming like a preteen girl that has just seen her father outside of the school gates talking to the guy she likes in nothing but his underwear, a gown and flip flops with socks.

My dad has done that before. BUT BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND!

Uncle Kazzy dragged Jun by the back of her head and pushed her into me, which was quite rude because I was still making my way down those steps! It was hard when the steps are so long and you're watching that kind of thing! Not because I want to see Heihachi's arse. Lord no, I've seen what that thing has done to the poor and innocent uncle Lars!

Oh, he's waking up. I looked at something more interesting, like the back handed bitch slap Jun had just delivered to my uncle. Kazzy I mean. Lee too, but he got more of a tap on the chin because the impact her hand gave was so powerful. I flinched, seriously, and uncle Kazzy was staring at her like she was naked with goo covering her. Yeah, he was impressed and he actually took the backseat in this.

"IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNIN' FOR THIS SHIT!" That was Lars.

"Oh my God, you guys are so embarrassing! What if I had friends over!?"

"Jin, you have no friends."

"Asuka, what ever happened to the girl friend we spent so much time finding for you?"

HE WAS BEHIND THIS.

"I got her number and I met a cute guy too."

"... You are a liar."

"Nope, I got his number before I got a ride home!" That's when I felt a glare coming at me from aunt Jun's direction. Oh right! Not telling him and stuff!

"So, did you meet slender man last night? He was knocking on your door."

Maybe I should go to someone else's house for Christmas…

Yeah, I decided to go somewhere else for today. I don't think I'll be able to celebrate Christmas with my actual family like I did with mom and dad. Not sad, it's more embarrassing actually.

Hm… I think I should've planned this whole thing out before I stormed out of the house in a fit of rage. And what I call a fit of rage is nothing to them because I don't think they even noticed me leave. Nevertheless, I wanted out. And I wanted to go to a friends' house because all of my relatives so far in this part of Japan are obviously retarded.

If I listed out my friends carefully, I'd be able to pick out who would be willing enough to let poor ol' me into their homes and hearts for Christmas. And I haven't gone to any of their houses before, except for Leo and Xiaoyu. But Leo lives in an apartment by herself and Xiaoyu is in a house with her grandfather so I don't know what that crazy chick is doing for Christmas this year.

Probably writing her list…

She still doesn't know that Santa doesn't exist. I whipped out my phone –YES WHIPPED- and looked through my near empty address book. Let's look through our options, shall we? I have Alisa –she is the phone, seriously, she doesn't own a physical phone because you can get to that shit through her, Hwoarang –Yes, I have his number but I don't call it because the first time I did to meet up, he's a complete asshole about it, Leifang –I don't know where she lives, something about a dorm in her college or university, I don't remember anymore, Lili –No matter how much money she has, I ain't calling the airhead, Leo –Does she celebrate Christmas… Miharu is on vacation in Hawaii and finally Xiaoyu who will always be at the end of the list. Yeah… There's no way in hell I'll be able to spend Christmas with any of them.

None of my friends are normal.

Oh well, it's better than going back home. Onward to Alisa!

"–Hello and happy holidays! You have reached Alisa Bosconovitch, who may I ask is calling me?" I stayed silent for a while because I actually thought that I reached the voicemail thing. Does she even have voicemail in her? Did the person that made her actually think it would be a good idea to put that in? And did she have Bluetooth? Wi Fi? If she did, I wouldn't mind spending my holiday with her just on the Internet. All Christmas. "–From the caller ID application I have recently and conveniently acquired, I have gathered that this is most likely Miss* Asuka. How may I help you?"

I didn't even get to say "Hi". My brain is working too hard to figure out how my mind is being fucked right now. Yes, the retards have rubbed off on me and I've started to regret it. My swearing levels have SKY ROCKETED since I started living with them.

… Wait, did she say caller ID application? She can get APPS for herself!? SHE IS THE WAY FORWARD, NEXT YOU'LL TELL ME SHE'S AN MP3 PLAYER AND SHE'LL BE BUSTING OUT RUSSIAN MUSIC. "t.A.T.u" IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

"Uh-huh, hi Alisa I was just wondering if you were busy tod-"

"–Not at all."

"Yeah, could you not do that? I don't really like it when people cut me off."

"–I apologize, Miss Asuka." If you're wondering why she's calling me 'Miss' all the time, I don't know either, but it's better than her using all of the stupid honorifics at the end of my name.

"No problem, if it ain't too much trouble, could you pick me up from the train station?"

"–Oh, this is a holiday where humans who celebrate it spend with their families and, or, loved ones, correct?"

"Yeah, I guess." I kicked at a large, stray rock and shuffled over to where it landed to repeat the process as I made my way down the road.

"–Then, if you do not mind my asking, why would you want to spend it with me? You are currently under the residence of the Mishimas', thus making the approved 'family' perfect for Christmas day."

"I don't wanna spend Christmas day with them." Why do I feel like she's indirectly saying 'no'?

"–Is Lars not with you? I left the house and you were still in the-"

"Nope! He fainted again after you left because Heihachi started doing the 'Sexy and I Know It" wiggle."

"–… I'm sorry."

"… Alisa?"

"–Yes?"

"You don't want to pick me up, do you?"

"–In all honesty… I cannot for I have company I must keep under surveillance at all times or else Heihachi Mishima will get to him once again." Did that sound a tad bit stalkerish to you? 'Cause it did to me. Just from that, I wanted to end the call. I don't care if she just said 'him'. It was creepy and I'm not going to entertain her stalker side. Besides, this call is too long and I don't know how her calling credit or whatever works. "–Would you still want me to pick you up?"

"Nah, it's fine, I must be wasting your credit, so I'll hang up now. Thanks, Alisa."

"–Oh, no, you need not worry about that, I have a contract."

What?

So, in the time I was on the phone trying to get rid of Alisa, I found out that the guy she had over at her lab or house or apartment or even basement was Kamiya… Kamiyama… I don't remember anymore. She was babbling random stuff about love so I started tuning out and telling her I wasn't the best person to be talked to about that subject. And he is not her boyfriend. She was flustered when I asked but she said so! Uncle Lee lied to me!

Next on the list… Hwoarang… Yeah, I'll try. It's a shot in the dark but I think he lives somewhere they have dojos with his master and some other students. So as long as it's this early in the morning and his master is there, I'll have a reason to believe that he'd be nice.

Why does only one thing in that theory work in my head after a few minutes? I called. It rang. And rang. Again… Should I count how many times this lazy bastard will let the phone ring?

"–Hnn…?" Oh, so he was sleeping. I should feel guilty for waking him up, but I'm getting a sick sense of accomplishment from this.

"MERRY CHRISTMA-!" Dial tone.

He hung up.

HE HUNG UP ON ME! AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE LIKE WAKE HIM UP AND PRETEND I WAS HIS MOMMA! He found out it was me because he doesn't know his mom. Sad really. But not really, because his reaction was fun. I did it the next day with Miharu to pretend that we found out he was 'cheating' on us. He found that out too. And have Miharu his number. He'll need to keep it in his pants at all times.

I wanted to run to Lei Fang, I really did, everything was going terribly. I feel like I should have called her first, especially since she promised that she would pick me up at the bus stop near a mall rather close to my school. So I waited there in the cold, I felt like I could pierce tires with my nipples.

Yes, dear readers, I am wearing a bra. It's just that cold.

TO BE CONTINUED…

I want to say, thank you too all of my reviewers, you give me Apple and Cherry juice when I'm at my least inspired stages… Yes this will continue to New Years. I'll probably separate the two… But then I was like "NAW, FAWK DAT SHEET" and just put it here. ^^

I didn't think I'd have reviewers like you. I thought that one or two reviewers would be like "HEY YEW, FAWK YER STORY, YEW SUCK JINGLE BELLS" and stuff but no! I got really touching messages about my writing style which is lovely because I haven't written an on-going fanfic/novel in years. And they didn't pass 3 chapters because I wasn't inspired like I am now. Most of the stupidity comes from my friends so don't you worry, dearies.

Wanna preview?! HERE!

I stared at the stupidest person I have ever met and said: "What did you get me for Christmas?"

His reply was really interesting.

"You'll walk into your room and I'm there ass-naked, my parts wrapped up in red linen with a bowtie on it and I'll say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, ASUKA, IT'S A CANDY CANE" and you will not question the candy cane because it is delicious to you."

"… What?"

"It was a joke, retard."