Just to let everyone know, this is all pure and utter crack.

Also, the first four "episodes" are from my story "Don't Touch That" but from now on, any Who Wants To Be A Companion requests will be done in here. I'm making it a separate story.

So if you've already read Don't Touch That, you don't have to read the first four chapters of this. However, if you'd like to refresh your memory, go right ahead! ;)

Doctor Who theme music is played as stupid_nickel walks into view. Waving, she grins, "Hi, and welcome back to 'Who Wants To Be A Companion!' I'm your host, Nickel! Our next contestant is…" a drum roll is heard, "wickaholic!"

Wickaholic runs up to nickel. She starts to bounce up and down in excitement while Nickel raises an eyebrow at her. "Oh my gosh!" Wickaholic squeals. "Oh my gosh! Thanks, thanks this is so exciting! EEEEPPPP!" The excitement soon becomes too much for her and Wickaholic has a heart attack. Frowning, Nickel checks her pulse.

"Aw man," Nickel complains, throwing her hands up into the air in exasperation, "another one died! Not again!" Sighing, Nickel massages her temples. "Well ladies and gents, let's see if we can bring Wickaholic back to life, shall we! Let's see what's behind CURTAIN NUMBER ONE!"

Nickel gestures towards the first curtain which opens with a flourish. "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?!" screams the Dalek that was hiding behind it.

Shaking her head, Nickel chuckles. "Sorry, Dalek, but we all know that trick. Ta!" She waves, winks, and the curtain closes. Breathing a sigh of relief, Nickel turns back to her audience. "Let's see what's behind CURTAIN NUMBER TWO!" Gesturing to the curtain, she waits—the curtain doesn't open. Swearing quietly, she walks up to the curtain, fiddles with the pull-string for a moment, and grins when the curtain finally opens. Standing behind it is the tenth incarnation of the Doctor.

"Hallo!" he says cheerily. "Long time no see, Nickel!" Nickel blushes because, though she is the host of the show, she is still quite the fangirl. Looking around with his hands in his pockets, the Doctor's expression turns quizzical. "Did someone need my CPR skills?" he asks, glancing at Wickaholic's still form.

"Nope!" Nickel answers quickly, shaking her head fervently. "No one at the moment! You need to save those lips for later…" Nickel trails off, waggling her eyebrows suggestively at the Doctor.

"Molto Bene!" the Doctor murmurs. He winks at Nickel and, with an "Allons-y!" the curtain closes once again.

Swooning, Nickel fans herself with her hand. She giggles for a moment before clearing her throat. "Alrighty then, last chance," she declares, the music turning serious. "What's behind CURTAIN NUMBER THREE!?"

The curtain opens to reveal none other than Captain Jack Harkness! "Well, hello," he drawls seductively, causing every single girl, and most of the boys, in the audience to swoon. "How's everyone doing today?" He sends a wink out into the audience, turning every single audience member into a pool of fangirl and fanboy jelly.

"Captain." Nickel salutes him and, when he salutes her back, blushes. "It's Wickaholic," Nickel explains, pointing to the body. "She died. Can you resuscitate her?"

Jack shrugs. "Yeah, no problem." He proceeds to give Wickaholic mouth-to-mouth. Gasping, Wickaholic wakes up. However, upon seeing her savior, she promptly dies again. "Oh no you don't!" growls Jack. "We'll keep doing this until you stay alive!" Once again, he gives Wickaholic mouth-to-mouth and, once again, she wakes up, sees him, and dies. This cycle repeats for quite a long time.

Glancing at Jack and Wickaholic, Nickel grins. "Well folks, we should just leave them to it, eh? Join us next time on "Who Wants To Be A Companion!" As the outro music plays, Nickel runs behind curtain number one to join the Doctor. Her silhouette is seen running her fingers through his sex-hair, and only her voice is heard. "Now" she says in a husky voice, "where were we?"

So yeah, there's that... *said in an announcer voice* If YOU'D like to appear on "Who Wants To Be A Companion," then Private Message me letting me know!