A/N: Special thanks to rockitty99, KelAlexshipper4evah, Esmeralda Wolfsbane, Ze Quixotical, TheWaffleMonster, 1 Hell of a Monster, xCielx3, Beryl Bloodstone, Smartapple, Sebastian's Kat, CrossAcademy22, and Devin Trinidad for reviewing!

Are ya'll keeping a Season II: The Rants Dictionary? 'Cuz ya'll should. We shall add two entries to our dictionary today, class.

Munger (मुंगेर)

1. The Munger town is the headquarters of the Munger district, in the Indian state of Bihar. Historically, Munger is known for its manufacturing of iron articles, such as firearms and swords.

— Definition provided by Esmeralda Wolfsbane (Wow, I really didn't know this word exists, haha.)

2. Unspecified yet dirty creature that resides in the underground conduits (AKA, sewers)

— Definition provided by Jeff Green

Clod Falltis

1. An affliction where various marks of red, also known as "blushies," cover the bridge of your nose. It is most prominent when the victim is highly (but inappropriately) aroused by the blood of little boys coming in contact with the taste buds.

— Definition provided by Beryl Bloodstone (This is unbelievably ingenious. Rest assured, this ghastly condition will be mentioned real soon.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji.

Hello, wassup! Did everyone miss me? I suppose ya'll do. I'm sorry for any withdrawal symptoms you had to suffer from, for not seeing the ol' Jeff Green for a while. I know it sucks, I know it hurts. But it's going to be OK. It will be. Maybe not immediately, maybe not in two minutes, but it will, surely, by the end of the chapter.

It is of my deepest regret to announce the official termination of the interviews. Not that it is my desire to trample all over your hopes and dreams, but unfortunately, to avoid a collision with the FanFiction cops I am obliged to no longer host them—since interactive entries such as Q&As are considered a transgression of the rules and guidelines of this chiz. (However, I'm not that evil enough to expunge it from existence altogether. If I get enough bows and proclamations of submission—"All hail, Child Fondler"—I will sneak in good stuff. Ssst.)

But, who cares 'cuz we still have all the ultimate Claude-lovin' going on! Whoo! Now, without further ado, let's get on with what all of you sitting snugly in your seats are waiting for...!

Episode 06: Bedewed Butler (So, OK, how does this title make sense? What does it actually mean when you DEW a butler? I'm getting goosebumps—a natural premonition that occurs whenever I detect an innuendo!)

(Ha, my title's centering is so off. I mean, look at how it is above me.)

So, the creators of the show decided to do a little fanservice in the beginning here, as a flashback. It's so obvious that the freaking SebCiel shippers will go "Squeeeeee!" (Did not know humans were capable of producing such a sound.) Like, OK, I get it, the butler gripped Ciel's chin and leaned super close, taking advantage of the fact that the poor boy is unconscious.

And people call ME the pedophile? What kind of justice is that!? Suddenly if Jeff Green does it, it's labeled "major ew," "ugh," and "WTF, blind me, please." But when the oh-hot-and-awesome Sebastian does it, it's what people call moe?

IT'S WHAT PEOPLE CALL MOE?

Yes or no.

Anyway, after a while of Sebastian just sniffing him, he abruptly pulled back and went WTF, 'cuz right at that moment, peeps, I manifested! Those idiotic creators didn't actually show-show me, but I was there. You can literally feel my presence. I was staring at them with wide eyes, then I killed the little atmosphere they got going on by stealing Ciel's soul. That oh-so-great Sebastian couldn't even do anything to stop me 'cuz, well, I'm too powerful.

Flashback ends, and it features the triplets skipping around the woods with bigass weapons. But, dayaaam, I was freaking COOL. I was the ultimate Pokemon master, and I called all the attacks, and those triplets obeyed my every command! (2:42, look at my pose, man. That was influenced by my ballet classes. See how flexible I am with my body, I just, like, twist to the side and slap my hand against my face.)

You know, being a Pokemon master is hard 'cuz the triplets suck ass. No kidding. I mean, when I was heroically articulating my commands, the damn trio just ran around in circles. Now, I know they must be inexperienced and all but it's basic that when you're fighting, you have to DO SOMETHING. Or, at the very least, try to hurt the guy? Ring-around-the-rosie, though pleasant and slightly cute, will only induce headaches, people.

But, I was too nice and all, so I decided to wait it out and see what happens. I had hope for a bit, just a little bit of a warm tingle in my heart, when the triplets lunged at him headlong. Guy with the ladder performed well—though, I would've swung it like a freaking bat at Sebastian instead of trapping him in that breach thingybob. Guy with the pincers, all riiiight. But the last guy with the sharpy stuff went slow like a mofo. I'm not... it's not even funny. I mean, in anime, if the victim has time for his hair to swing back all dramatically then you're taking too damn long.

So, OF COURSE, Sebastian got off scot-free. Next scene, the triplets fell flat on the ground like dominoes. Would have been hilarious if they weren't fighting for me. I was mortified as hell, 'cuz no matter how sucky you are, at least don't all fall down at once! Must you do everything together? It makes me look bad (makes you look worse).

The fighting went on for a while, and I got bored so I picked my nose off-camera. But then, Sebastian and Ciel came charging, and I was ready to fight, you know? I squared my shoulders, flicked my booger to the side, and was prepared for all that action. I protected my son so nonchalantly it was downright cool. And, I thought we were gonna fight, but I have no idea what Sebastian was doing 'cuz he twirled in front of me and disappeared. Yes, he twirled. I felt the gush of wind. I was like, "Wha..."

We shifted the scene back to the ball where all them horrible dancers are. I normally wouldn't mention this, but I felt the need to 'cuz after Hannah came and set down that weird instrument thingy, she began to lick her fingers—each and every one of them, she was precise. I swear, that is extremely disgusting. She'd be coming near my food, I'd be smacking those nasty hands with an anti-germ bat.

So, blah, blah, ooh, dangerous music, and the dancers turned to bat-sh*t crazy zombies. I'd be smacking them too.

And, triplets, stop trying, please. Just... please.

Sebastian saved the day, of course, and dealt with the psychotic and high zombies. (Now that I'm evaluating these chizes, I really need to complain about my severe lack of screen time.) Hannah, you stop trying too. It's so obvious from the moment Sebastian pops up that you ain't gonna get nowhere.

Well, after Sebastian showed up, it's time for me to make my startling and overwhelming appearance! I walked through the door with Alois. Sebastian requested to talk to me, 'cuz everyone wants a little confidential time with Claude. It's understandable. But that bossy son of mine was all like, "You get ten mins, or... else... dun... dun... dun... dun... dun... dun... dun..." (too many dun's and pauses killed the moment, so we had to redo that scene). And I'm all like, "Ooh, ooh, I'm SO scared."

Really, I was kinda scared. You see the way he dresses? He'll probably do something worse with me!

OK, I really want to know, 'cuz this has been redundant. What's with the director's uncanny devotion to adding the parts where I go "Yes, Your Highness," which is always quickly followed by a "Yes, My Lord." I think we all got that down and committed to memory.

Cut to the bridge scene! I was staring at the lake all dream-like, indulged in reminiscence about my past. I delivered the most touching speech ever where I was like "that ass ordered me to steal Ciel, and there's something something about his soul that makes it special... or something like that." I was being a good conversation-starter and all, when suddenly that Sebastian attacked me. But, ha, he can't even land a punch. (I couldn't either, but it's OK, 'cuz we started to nudge each other while suspended in mid-air.) With our fantastically long legs, that I swear if you give it a few years, they will grow lengthier than my body, we kicked at the water. The animators made it seem like we created towering vortexes.

Now, to the incredibly disturbing part that even I'm uncomfortable with admitting to. I mean, it's not like I wanted to do this. We are all aware, and can unanimously come to the conclusion that I despise Sebastian. Even so, to get the money I need to pay for my house rent, I gotta do what the director instructs. So, I grabbed onto Sebastian from behind after emerging from the water, and played spider-fingers across his chest.

I am ashamed. But on a completely unrelated note, our faces are just about the same lengths. He jacks everything of mine—even my freaking physique! I am a victim, here, not a hurt-er, BUT A VICTIM.

Then, we formed this peculiar deal (the one that I mentioned in the first chap). I was kinda emo for a bit and slit my wrist to draw blood. After that gruesome procedure, we let the blood drip onto the white rose. I missed it for a while, wasting my blood and all that, but at last, it landed on the flower. It's so freaking magical that after like three drops, the entire rose got an overdose and morphed to red. We exchanged roses and shared blood—the director has a really warped mind 'cuz this is beginning to seem like a cult or something.

After this chiz, I went to the hospital 'cuz I suffered from a shock due to loss of blood. But, I'm all better now.

My son was being annoying as f*ck 'cuz Sebastian was still alive (trust me, I am depressed too), and he even took my rose! I mean, he didn't order me to kill him, he only told me to "settle" this. I had "settled" it by planting roses with Sebastian. Then, I was like, "Gimme that back, fool!", and I got my rose back. It's so beautiful, I gave, like, two pints of the vital liquid in my veins to produce that chiz, so my baby is staying with me.

"Day into night, snow-white into crimson, and lies into truth. That's what makes a Trancy butler." Cue Claude-hair toss.

Then, ha, my son actually did something clever for once! I'm not lying, he snatched Ciel's future wife away—you know, the girl that says his name like it's her religion—by dancing with her. I was giggling in the background. The only thing exasperating was how Elizabeth was hollering her head off for Ciel when he was, like, what? Two feet away? Really, you're that lazy? Couldn't even reach over and use the surprisingly efficacious technique called GRAB!

Then, episode ends with Ciel pissed off.

I'd have to admit, I'll rate this episode a passable 7.5/10. It was decent, with a considerable amount of Claude Faustus to embellish the episode. Not bad, not bad, could have been better if you minus the triplet's epic failure, Hannah's disconcerting licking session, and the constant Superhero Sebastian mode.

Special Edition!

Jeff's Rants (Illegal to skip this section.)

Rant #1: Alois X Claude

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Why does this even exist? I'm basically his dada! Didn't I make it patently evident that hello! I plan to eat him. Like, chew on his skin and gnaw on his bones—that kind of eating. How does food = romance? OK, I get if you love some fried chicken wings, but would you necessarily go beyond that you-will-be-transferred-to-my-stomach zone/relationship to do... other things? That's just... engh.

And, by the way, (as Claude) I'm like thirty times older than the boy. So... no.

Rant #2: Sebastian X Claude

Impossible. Please kindly ignore the spider-fingers play in this episode. It does not result to, or is the result of, any sort of underlying relationship. It does not insinuate the possibility of an intimate connection, nor is the gesture meaningful in that regard.

Author's Rants

(Important to acknowledge that I will always be conveying my honest opinion. Even if mine conflicts with yours, it is not meant to trigger a quarrel.)

Rant #3: When The Story That Does Not Deserve That Kind of Attention Gets Attention (AKA: WTSTDNDTKOAGA) [I know, I wtf'ed at the acronym as well.]

Beryl B. has conjured up a perfectly valid concept on what irks her, and I realize that it annoys me terribly, too. And that is when a story becomes popular because of its "idea" (borrowing your words, Beryl, hope you don't mind), and not particularly due to whether the plot is well-paced or when the characters are well-evolved and elaborated upon. Then, you encounter another story that involves exciting twists and wonderful characterizations, but receives little to no attention at all. That's just utterly stupid. It shouldn't even happen. What's seriously worse is when a properly educated person reads it the "popular" story, he or she realizes that the grammar is horrendous. It's like they typed with one hand tied behind their backs. Then, you're ready to throw your laptop out of the window when people review saying how well-written it is and how amazing and talented the writer is.

I'm serious, it's like people are attracted to and cannot possibly live without dreadful grammar, out-of-character people that abruptly hold a tremendous capacity for love which causes them to fall for practically anybody, and nonsensical plots that are driven by fan-service and saccharine reviews spouting about how supposedly "great" the story is. Showering the writer with unicorns and rainbows will only harm that particular individual by giving them a delusion that they are performing well when, in reality, it is the complete contrary. Deplorably, when someone with an observant eye comes by and bestows constructive criticism, it will more than likely to be deemed as a "flame" by the writer affected with the false belief that everyone must love their story because of the amount of views it receives.

Deluded writers and deluded readers go hand in hand. In fact, they can walk together to that happy land where everything is perfect and flawless, where rainbows never fade and where unicorns forever fly. It is only frightening that they are growing in numbers.

Tsk, humanity, I fear for you.

Jeff: So become a demon, and you'll be fine.