"Good side, I shoot them both in the face. Bad side, I let them die two days from now after a series of long and lingering tortures," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin over and over again.

"And what makes you think you get to top them?" demanded Ivy. "If anyone gets to kill them, it should be me. They've put me through crap you wouldn't believe! I think I deserve some reward for putting up with Harley's emotional breakdowns every week!"

"We have all suffered at their hands," retorted Crane. "We should all be allowed some form of revenge."

"We can't all kill them," murmured Selina, studying her nails. "Someone has to strike the death blow. I don't care about Harley, Ivy, you can have her. But the clown's mine."

"The hell he is!" snorted Nygma. "That bastard's been a pale imitation of me for years! I'm going to be the one to do him in."

"I'm going to kill them both," growled Two-Face. "It's double or nothing with me. I'll especially look forward to gutting the clown's bitch after what she did to me."

"Oh, c'mon, Harvey, there's not much there to damage," snorted Ivy. "Anyway, I've already got dibs on Harley. So back off."

"Much as I enjoy drama between exes, there's no point in arguing about this now," said Selina. "Not until Batman brings the clowns here."

"He is rather late for his very important date," spoke up Jervis Tetch, checking his pocket watch. "Didn't we promise him some chaos if he didn't arrive in a timely fashion?"

"Yeah, tell Freeze he can ice the park, and everyone in it," retorted Nygma.

"We're not icing the park," growled Ivy. "Nobody is killing any plants while I'm around."

"Then beat it, Pammie," growled Two-Face. "How can you hope to kill Harley if you can't even handle the death of a few weeds?"

"Those weeds are worth more than all the people in this room put together," growled Ivy.

"For once, I agree with Ivy," said a voice from the shadows. Batman stepped into the room, and everyone immediately fixed their weapons on him.

"Where are the clowns?" growled Two-Face.

"Safe," retorted Batman. "You didn't honestly think I would give in to blackmail, did you?"

"So you're going to let the innocent citizens of this city die for those two psychotics?" demanded Ivy. "No offense, Batman, but that's kinda crazy."

"Nobody is going to die," growled Batman. "I'm taking you in. All of you."

"Aw, it's cute that you think you can," sighed Selina, grinning.

"Watch me," retorted Batman.

Another fight instantly broke out. And despite their superior numbers, Batman's superior skill gave him an impressive advantage over the villains in combat. He soon had them all rounded up, bound or unconscious. Two-Face, Ivy, Selina, and Crane were the only ones still conscious by the end, and they were mainly using this opportunity to shout at each other, blaming each other for their failure at being able to beat one man.

"Told you, Selina," said Batman, calmly.

"Yeah, yeah, really impressive," muttered Selina. "I could have taken you if it was just you and me, but these freaks had to get in my way and ruin everything."

"Bite me, Kitty," growled Two-Face. "I didn't see you leaping into the fray."

"That's because you were spraying bullets everywhere, you jerk," retorted Selina.

"Most cats aren't afraid of bats, you know," snapped Crane.

"Oh come on, Professor, you couldn't go hand to hand with the Bat!" she snapped. "You're nothing without your little fear gas, just like Ivy's nothing without her plants!"

"Hey, at least I hit him a couple times!" shouted Ivy. "You just didn't want to hurt your boyfriend, Selina!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" shouted Selina. "And this is not how a guy should treat his girlfriend!"

"I dunno, seems to work for Harley and J," retorted Two-Face.

"Don't bring those two up now!" shouted Ivy. "The last thing we need is to be reminded of their smiling, smug faces while we're all about to be dragged back to Arkham and they're safely holed up somewhere…"

At that moment, the Batmobile burst through the wall with a crash. It hit Batman, knocking him to the ground, and two familiar figures leapt out from inside it.

"Never fear, kiddies, the Dork Knight is here!" exclaimed Joker, who was dressed in one of Batman's masks and capes.

"And the Boy Blunder!" cried Harley, who had donned a Robin costume and mask. "Here to save the day, as usual!"

Batman had struggled to his feet, but Harley suddenly shot him with a grappling gun, the rope wrapping around his legs and body and knocking him to the ground with a thud.

"Nice work, Birdy Boy," murmured Joker, drawing her into his arms and kissing her tenderly. "Gee, I hope no one can see us like this!" he laughed suddenly. "People might start to talk about just what kinda relationship you and the kid have, eh, Batsy?"

He chuckled, striding over to the prisoners. "Well, what should we do about these crooks, eh, Boy Wonder?" he asked, grinning. "Can't really let them go when they've threatened to kill us, can we?"

"That's right, B-Man," replied Harley, coming over to him. "But we did just kinda save them from the most dangerous lunatic in this city. You think they might be a little grateful for that."

"Yeah, but they're crazy, Robin," he replied. "Sane people like you and me can never understand how their troubled minds work. Still, if they were willing to apologize and promise never to do it again, let no one say the Caped Crusader isn't a man of mercy."

"Too true, Mr. J," sighed Harley. He suddenly slapped her across the back of the head.

"It's Batman, idiot!" he growled.

"Oh yeah, right…Batman," she murmured, rubbing her skull tenderly.

"J…" began Ivy, stunned.

"Batman!" he shouted. "I'm Batman! You see the mask? And the cape? That makes me Batman, dammit!"

"Ok…Batman," said Ivy, slowly. "What if we all promised to forgive Joker and Harley for kidnapping us, and vowed not to try to kill them? Would you let us go?"

"Hmm…I dunno," he said, stroking his chin. "What do you think, Boy Wonder?" he asked, turning to Harley.

"Aw, I think Red's learned her lesson, Mr…Batman," corrected Harley.

"It's about justice, you see," continued Joker. "For I am an agent of justice, the symbol this city needs to inspire it with hope for truth and righteousness and all that other heartwarming crap. Honor, valor, heroism, blah, blah, blah, geez, this joke gets old fast," he muttered, taking off the mask. "How do you keep it up, Bats? It's exhausting. And this mask is really heavy. You must have quite the thick skull," he chuckled.

"Can I stop being Robin now, puddin'?" asked Harley. "I really prefer being Harley Quinn."

"You and me both, baby," he agreed. "Well now, Pammie, you were asking about being freed. And I'm not the kinda guy to hold a grudge. You did try to kill us, but let's let bygones be bygones and put all this unpleasantness behind us. There you go, toots," he said, cutting the ropes that bound her and setting to work freeing the others.

Ivy stared at him, and then at Harley, who was looking at her pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Red," she said. "Sorry for kidnapping you and everything. Can we be friends again? Please?"

Ivy looked at her for a moment, then sighed. "Sure, Harley. I guess we're even now."

"Aw, Red, you're the greatest!" exclaimed Harley, rushing into her arms and hugging her tightly.

"Thanks, clown," grunted Two-Face as Joker released him. "You're all right."

Joker grinned. "Does someone want a hug, Harv?" he asked, holding out his arms.

"No," snapped Two-Face.

"Johnny?" asked Joker, turning to Crane.

"No, thank you," replied Crane.

"Kitty? I did a little research on the Batcomputer tonight and compared Batsy's personal files on both of us. And I hate to tell you, but mine's bigger," he grinned.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Selina asked.

"It means Batsy prefers me to you, just like I said," he retorted. "In fact, you could say he's obsessed with me. But don't take it too hard – lots of people are. And not everyone is a cat person."

"Sure I can't kill him, Ivy?" asked Selina.

"Just wait until he hatches some new, crazy scheme next week," retorted Ivy. "I'm sure he'll piss us all off again soon. He is the Joker, after all, it's kinda what he does."

"Yeah, you don't really know how lucky you have it until you spend time in someone else's shoes," sighed Joker. "Or cape, as the case may be. You should try being me for a day sometime, Bats. It would be loads of fun. Purple would be just your color."

"Joker…" began Batman, but Joker took off the cape he was wearing and tied it over Batman's mouth.

"No, no, don't spoil the moment with words, Batsy," he sighed. "I think everyone's hearts are too full to hear more. Let's just end the party on this warm, happy note, and go home. But it was so good to see you again, Bats! Let's not leave it so long next time, kay? Don't be a stranger now. Love ya! Buh bye!"

And Joker kissed his cheek and then threw him into the trunk of the Batmobile, slamming it shut. He went over to the front seat and flicked a switch. "Please specify location," said Batman's recorded voice. "The Batcave, please," said Joker. The car automatically backed up and sped off.

"Wow, how did you figure out the autodrive?" asked Two-Face, impressed.

"Oh, Harley accidentally kicked the switch when she was…um…enjoying herself," he replied. "Lemme tell you, there's nothing creepier than to be in the middle of things and suddenly hear Batman's voice. You begin to think it's one of those disturbing dreams, you know the kind."

"No, I can't say I do," replied Two-Face.

"Really? You don't get those kinda dreams with the Bat?" asked Joker, surprised. "Harley, you get 'em, right, baby?"

"Nope, sorry, Mr. J," replied Harley.

"Johnny?"

"Afraid not."

"Pammie?"

"Yeah. But then I think Selina and I are justified. What's your excuse, J?"

Joker shrugged. "Well, he is my nemesis, after all. It's a special relationship. I can't expect you people to understand. But it ain't one-sided, let me tell you. He's pretty obsessed with me too, and that makes a guy feel kinda good and valued."

"I'm obsessed with you too, puddin'," purred Harley, embracing him.

He patted her head. "I tell ya, Harl, I've got you, and a dedicated nemesis, and I'm surrounded by people who don't want to kill me right now. What more could a guy ask for? Life is pretty good, Harley girl. Pretty good indeed."

The End