WARNING THIS CONTAINS TRIGGERS! ABUSE, IMPLIED SEXUAL ABUSE, PTSD, CUTTING, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!

13 years

I never was anyone's prized possession. Not even something someone would save from a garage sale. The only people that cared in my life I pushed away, simply because it was easier.

When did it all get so messed up? It seems like just yesterday my dad was explaining what had happened to my mom, singing to me every night. I remember vague nightmares from the crash, muddled memories of white rooms and tubes and bags of unknown liquid. I remember my dad signing up for foster homing and us adopting Trina. He said it was a way to cope with the loss, something mom had talked with him about.

Where the hell did it go wrong?

Where did it get so bad that my father scared me enough to cause me to wait, patiently, on the edge of my bed for his nightly visits? When did it get so bad that it was an effort to move each morning? When did it get so bad that I was shaking in his presence?

I take a shuddering breath as the knob turns and my dad stumbles in, drunk, as per usual. He lets out a low growl and hits my jaw.

"It's your fault she's dead." I wince as he targets other parts of me, my stomach, my legs, my back. I want to cry, but I know that it won't do me any good and sometimes the sobs make it more painful.

My dad finally stumbles back downstairs, mumbling a few 'your fault's and a couple curses.

I rub my ribs and jaw, where most of his blows had fallen today.

I sigh and gather myself up against my soft pillow, trying to just…sleep.

XXX

14 years

My dad has started to abuse me in other ways. The bruises are slowly fading, but only because I don't put up a fight. I learned that lesson the hard way.

When it happens, I try to think of other things, like chasing butterflies through a garden with Mom or hugging her.

I try my hardest.

I've also started dealing in different ways, too. White lines cross each other on my upper thighs. It hurts, and I know it doesn't make sense to hurt myself more than I've already been hurt, but it works.

XXX

14.5 years

My dad was reported to the police by a random neighbor who heard me screaming. We're being adopted by my aunt and uncle, taking their last name to help forget. I start therapy this Thursday.

XXX

15 years

I've stopped hurting myself. My dad got charged with 30+ years and a restraining order. I'm starting school at a Performing Arts Academy, the one Trina goes to. It scares and exhilarates me at the same time.

XXX

Now-16.5 years

I have never been so scared in my life. Some creep decided to hit on me, but he wouldn't leave me alone. It was like Nozu times ten.

He said it was all in good fun, just for a laugh. But he was getting really close to me and he looked slightly like my dad. That combination right there was enough to send me into a panic attack, not to mention the calling me a 'sexy ass chick with a damn fine booty' part.

I decide to blow classes off for the day, driving straight home. I take a deep breath and sprint upstairs, not taking time to think. I grab the tweezers and my shaver from the bath, slowly prying out the blade. I don't even think about it and I fall into the horrible, horrible routine just like that, as if it's my second nature. Lift, press, slide. Press, slide. Press, slide.

I look at my wrist. Hm. Usually I cut on my thighs. Oh well. I drop the razor, listening to the thundering clatter it makes on the now bloody tile.

I hear a knock on the door and, without thinking of course, shout "Come in!"

Stupid.

The doorknob turns and in stumbles none other than Jade West.

"Okay Vega, it must take a lot for you to cut school, so spill."

My mouth is trying so hard to tell her, until her eyes drift down to my wrists. I must look pitiful.

"OH MY GOD!" she shrieks.

I feel a lump forming in my throat, tears stinging my eyes.

"TORI! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

I shut my eyes. She sounded far too much like my father.

"Please." I whisper. Jade snarls and drags me off the toilet into my room.

I feel a few tears leaking out of my eyes. "Please, Jade, please?"

"Please what?" she growls. I feel my lower lip start to tremble.

"Daddy…please…" I feel my eyes start to glass over and I shake my head a few times.

"Daddy? What the hell, Vega?!"

Daddy? Bitch, you're 13.

Smack.

You don't call me 'Daddy'.

Kick.

"Please…not tonight." I feel myself whispering.

You little bitch, if you hadn't been distracting her on the road, she'd still be alive! Your fault, this is your fault, it's your fault she's dead Tori!

"It's my fault." I hear myself saying. I vaguely notice Jade is watching me with apprehension.

I feel my body give up all hope and I'm slammed onto my bed, frozen in place. I'm aware of my body curling into the fetal position.

You're gonna tell me you like this.

"Trina!" I shout.

You're gonna lie to everyone.

"TRINA!"

You're gonna tell them you fell down the stairs.

I scream.

You won't scream anymore, now will you Victoria?

I scream again and am aware of tears streaming hot and fast down my cheeks.

That's it…not a sound.

Then, I'm focused. I feel myself start to breathe again. I open my eyes and stare straight at Trina, who's looking at me with tears in her eyes.

I lift myself so I'm hugging my knees to my chest. "It's all my fault, it's my fault she's dead, it's my fault, my fault she's dead, she's dead and it's my fault, it's all my fault." I whisper to myself.

I glance at my wrists. Suddenly, physical pain seems extremely appetizing.

I try to jump up but realize Trina won't let me.

"Shh, Tori, shh, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." She strokes my hair.

"Daddy said it was." I tell her matter-of-factly.

She shushes me again and I flutter my eyes shut.

I open them and my vision is completely cleared. I glance around the room and see Jade looking scared in the corner.

I look at her so hopelessly, so pityfully that she comes nearer, albeit slowly. Eventually she's right next to me.

Trina slowly lets me up and I frown at the headache that's forming at the base of my skull.

"What was that?" she asks softly.

I shake my head and feel more tears fall down my face.

Trina strokes my hair and I calm down slightly, feeling my muscles stop tensing.

I feel my eyes become unfocused and I sigh, welcoming the black that envelops me.