The Tell-Tale Spleen
By Scootaloo

Okay, let me just say this first off, I'm only writing this because we've been studying Edgar Allen Poeny in school. And I don't understand any of it. Except that it was a strange, disturbing story and Rainbow Dash told me she thought it was cool, and if Rainbow Dash says something is cool you'd better believe it.

So yes, The Tell-Tale Heart was cool.

Also, since this assignment is to write something in the style of Edgar Allen Poeny, I've decided to do just that. Welcome to Scootaloo's rendition of The Tell-Tale Spleen. Now read this and give me a good grade on it, because I took time out of my Cutie Mark Crusading to do this for you, Miss Cheerilee.

I'm not crazy, look, I can prove it to you!

When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it was those weird eyes she had. Yep, that was totally it! Derpy was well known for her crazy weird eyes. They never looked straight, and that just annoyed the heck out of me very, very much. It caused me to lose my mind, because those unnaturally unfocused eyes would never look straight. So, I resolved to do something about it.

No, don't get me wrong. I loved Derpy. She was like my mother, yes, I loved her dearly. It was just those hideous eyes that I knew I had to get rid of. And just wait till you hear the cleverness and the pure awesomeness of my plan. I decided to get a lantern and, while she slept, shine the light into her eyes until they went blind and dead.

Like I said, I'm not crazy; I'm just too brilliant for all you other ponies to comprehend. Spending the whole night shining light into the eyes of the mare I loved so I could kill off her derpiness which so bugged me? Pure genius!

And so, I did just that. When I was sure she was asleep, I crept out of bed, moving very, very slowly, holding a covered lantern in my teeth. I moved so slow that nopony would ever hear me. Ha, I'm so genius. Then I opened Derpy's door just a bit. Then I paused. Then I opened it just another bit. Then I paused. Then I opened it just another little bit. Then I paused. I kept on doing that until my whole head was in the door, ha! And then I moved the cover on the lantern just a bit until it was shining into Derpy's eyes. Then I just stood there all night. But it didn't work and I couldn't blind her, because her eyes were closed. Ponyfeathers, who the heck sleeps with their eyes closed, I'd like to know! But I was determined to get rid of those derpy eyes, and so I kept at it.

One night, while shining the lantern on her closed eyes, I sneezed. Derpy awoke.

"My muffins!" she shouted. "Somepony's after my muffins!"

Now, you think I would have been scared, but I wasn't. Not only was I a genius, I was also brave! I carefully covered my lantern back up again and stood there silently until she went back to sleep. But it wasn't a peaceful sleep; I could tell she was uneasy. I knew very well what uneasy sleeps were like. Every night after that I could tell that Derpy didn't feel quite safe. She knew that the deed was coming, but she didn't know when!

Then, one night, I shone a thin ray of light from my lantern onto her eyes, and I found them open, those ugly spinning cross-eyed things. I hated those eyes, those derpy unfocused eyes. But then, I started to hear something, faintly at first, but it began to intensify. It was the sound of a spleen.

Wait a minute. What the heck does a spleen sound like? I mean, I don't even know what a spleen is, for crying out loud. Wait. According to the dictionary, also known as Sweetie Belle, a spleen is "a ductless vascular organ in the left upper abdomen of ponies and other vertebrates that helps to destroy old red blood cells, form lymphocytes, and store blood". Okay. Back to my essay.

It was a squelchy spleeny sound that was undeniably the sound of red blood cells being destroyed, lymphocytes being formed, and blood being stored. I knew at once it was Derpy's spleen.

"Be quiet, spleen!" I hissed, but the spleen paid no attention to my cry and kept spleening away. That tell-tale spleen was going to give me away—suppose the neighbors heard it? I couldn't waste another moment! I yelled and jumped into the room. Derpy woke up and screamed, but before she could utter another single sound I brought her to the ground and turned the bed over on top of her. Ha! Those eyes were dead now; they could no longer plague me!

Except for the fact that Derpy slept on an aerobed, and those things were not heavy by any means. So Derpy, very much alive, called the police on me, and I got sent to the moon for attempted murder on best pony.

"THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF NOT FOR YOUR MEDDLESOME TELL-TALE SPLEEN, DERPY!" I yelled into space.

"Chill, man," said Princess Luna next to me. "Let's play some video games."

And living on the moon was way more awesome then living in Equestria, because Princess Luna was the best friend I ever had. The end. Now, Miss Cheerilee, about that grade. I say that you give me an A+ for this amazing piece of literature. If not, then maybe the doodle I drew on the back of this page of Rainbow Dash doing ballet will convince you otherwise.