A/N: No, this story has not been abandoned, and at least one of these two shows remains on the air! iGoodbye has come and gone, and the lack of any Seddie resolution was entirely foreseeable. I know there is talk of Freddie appearing on Sam & Cat … I'm hoping Dan Schneider just lets it drop and moves on. Besides, you have fan fiction, where you can see Sam and Freddie written well.

As much as I disliked iGoodbye, it fits well into this story, so the entire iCarly canon holds here. But Sam & Cat has not taken place. Let's return to Pasadena!

Disclaimer: iCarly belongs to DS, The Big Bang Theory belongs to CL.

Chapter 4: The Rib Shack Calamity

Leonard leaned back and surveyed the scene in front of him. There were pieces of food everywhere, especially in front of Sam. She'd devoured two full slabs of St. Louis style ribs, along with several side dishes, plus about half of Freddie's chicken. Penny had mumbled to him during the meal that she didn't understand how tiny Sam remained when she ate so much. If the state of their table was any indication, Leonard suspected it was because she got more food over everyone else than in her mouth. But the crumbs all over were not the real spectacle. Everything in the booth had a fine (and in some places not so fine) coating of barbecue sauce, long dried. Freddie, predictably, had the worst of it, right up to and including a piece of sauce-coated rib Sam had pasted to his cheek during the peak of their argument. Freddie had been surprisingly calm about it, even saying something about it not being the first time Sam had done that to him.

Leonard glanced over at Penny, who looked even more shell-shocked than he felt. The four going out together for dinner had been her idea, and Freddie had assured her that Sam would enjoy any meal that featured a pile of meat. With that assurance Penny had felt pretty confident that by the end of the evening both Sam and Freddie would be thanking her for getting them back together. This wasn't how she'd expected the night to go. Penny was dumbfounded.

It had not been hard to get Freddie to admit he missed Sam or to convince him to call her. And though it took three glasses of wine in her apartment, Sam had even admitted that while she was extremely upset with Freddie, she missed him too, and was intrigued when Melanie texted to say that Freddie had called after all this time, asking where she was. But now the two were being as vicious to each other as lions fighting over the last hyena, and for no visible reason.

The two began the dinner in relative silence, not talking to each other. Penny figured it was nerves and whispered to Leonard how cute it was that after all this time they still got this way around each other. Leonard raised an eyebrow but said nothing. The silence might seem like nerves to Penny, but the look on Sam's face was murderous and, frankly, it made him nervous. It continued, awkward silence filled with Penny's attempts to get everyone to talk, until their food arrived and Sam began to eat noisily and messily – it was disturbing for sure, but neither Leonard nor Penny had any idea of how bad it was about to get.

Sam grabbed a squeeze bottle of barbecue sauce and began to squirt it out onto her ribs, letting it accumulate until the meat had long disappeared from view. When the bottle emptied, she tossed it onto the table and grabbed another one.

Freddie, watching the show, turned to Sam with a smirk and asked, "Do you have enough sauce there, Sam?"

"It's okaaaaay, Freddie. Besides, we've had this argument already, remember? The sauce is just as free as the cheese."

"Sam, I don't care what you put on your food, but there's sauce all over everyone else! There's even some on my plate, and on my arm!"

Sam looked at him, pointed the tip of the bottle at him, and squeezed, sending a large blob of sauce onto his sleeve.

"Cut it out, Sam! The nice thing about Pasadena is that I'm not banned from half the restaurants here!"

Sam had laughed, seemingly unaffected by Freddie's irritation and returned to eating her ribs even more obnoxiously than before. Freddie rolled his eyes and shot periodic daggers at Sam that appeared to make her all the more committed to annoying him.

It was downhill from there. Leonard and Penny attempted to keep the conversation going and the barbecue sauce hurling to a minimum, but after a while neither Sam nor Freddie even seemed to notice Penny and Leonard were at the table. Freddie stared at Sam, Sam stared at Freddie and nothing about the looks on their faces said I missed you – let's get back together.

But the worst of it came late in the meal, when Freddie referred to their friend Carly's months with her father in Italy before returning to start college. Freddie had never said much to Leonard about it, but her departure must have been a sore point. It clearly bothered Sam, because her face turned an even brighter red as she muttered "she doesn't love you—get over it," and within one minute of Freddie's mention of Italy, they brandished their utensils at each other, with bizarre threats to stab each other in the eye with their forks.

Leonard was still in shock when the dessert arrived. If he had his wits about him a little more, he might have noticed that his apple pie had come with a scoop of vanilla ice cream that he hadn't ordered. And he might have noticed that he was eating it.

"What the hell, Leonard?" Penny screamed at Leonard as she tried to drive while hanging her head out the open window of the car. All four windows were open, with Leonard in the passenger's seat, and Sam and Freddie awkwardly crowded together on the left side of the back seat, trying to keep away from the source of the noxious smell.

"What is that smell, anyway? Did somebody slaughter a cow?"

"The smell begins with a cow, sweetie, but nobody slaughtered one. Leonard is lactose intolerant. He can't eat ice cream, can you, Leonard?"

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't realize I was eating it until it was gone. In twenty minutes it will be over."

"Oh baby, if only the upholstery in this car could say that," Penny retorted. If I have to have this thing detailed, you're paying for it."

"If you'd just get the "check engine" light looked at, I will pay for a good cleaning!" Leonard retorted.

"Why would you eat the ice cream Leonard!?"

"Why? Maybe because I was stuck at a table with Joe Frasier and Mohammed Ali! I was distracted!" Both he and Penny looked into the backseat where round two appeared to be about to begin.

Freddie squirmed against the door, pushing Sam away from him. "Get your elbow out of my spleen!"

"Do you really think I want to be squeezed back here against you? I'm still disinfecting myself from the last time I had to be this close to you!"

"Well you weren't complaining then!"

"Temporary insanity!"

"Insanity, yeah…I hear it runs in the family!"

"You're one to talk, Son of Psycho!"

"Oh my God!" Penny yelled. "What is it with the two of you, already? I thought you'd be so happy to see each other!"

"Well, you thought wrong," Sam said.

"Way wrong!" Freddie yelled.

"Shut the hell up Benson or I swear to God you'll regret it!"

"Regret it? The only thing I regret was thinking you could be mature enough to…"

"Mature? Oh that's rich Fredwad!" She turned to face Penny, holding her nose as she leaned into the front seat. "How's this for mature – the guy who told you he loved you asks if you wanted to get back together, changes his mind ten seconds later, and kisses your best friend, all in the course of one day?"

Freddie stammered, still awkwardly pressed against Sam. "The last time I kissed Carly was three years ago! Why are you bringing that up?"

"Please don't mention bringing things up," Leonard groaned softly, holding his stomach. Penny frowned, leaning a bit further out the window.

"You kissed her in the studio before she left!"

"What? How…"

"How did I know? Because Carly isn't a dirtbag who does stuff like that without telling me." She narrowed her eyes. "Because Carly actually cares about me."

The car picked up speed as Penny leaned into the accelerator.

"Did she? Did she tell you that she stepped in for a goodbye hug then suddenly kissed me!"

"And you kissed her back."

Freddie sat silently, then said, "What was I supposed to do Sam? It was like ten seconds!" He leaned back in his seat with a heavy sigh. "I didn't know what else to do. She kissed me and then she turned around and walked out the door. That was the end of it."

Sam sat back against the seat, twisting the end of her shirt. "Did you … enjoy it?"

"Sam, come on."

No one noticed the jolt as the car hit a Euclid Avenue speed bump in full gear.

Leonard groaned and doubled over, "Penny, honey can you be a little more, gentle? Loaded gun over here…"

"Sorry sweetie," Penny said absentmindedly, just wanting him to be quiet so she could hear what was going on in the backseat.

"Answer the question, nub!" Sam turned to him, her eyes blazing, "Did you enjoy it?"

"Okay, yes! No! Maybe…for a couple of seconds. Then I felt ashamed of myself." God help me if she knew I fist-pumped. He turned to her, his voice soft. "I don't love her, Sam. That's -"

"Oh, thank God we're here," Penny said as she pulled into the parking lot of 2311 North Los Robles Avenue. Everyone jumped out of the car, relieved to fill their lungs with fresh air and to be free temporarily of Sam and Freddie's fighting. The two couples walked into the building in tense silence that lasted until they started to climb the stairs. Sam and Freddie led the way. Leonard, out of courtesy, brought up the rear.

"I don't love her, Sam."

"I don't love her, Sam," Sam repeated mockingly. "I just stuck my tongue down her throat for fun!"

"Sam…"

"No, Freddie! I don't want to hear it! You don't love her? Then why were you all over her after we broke up? Trying to spend time with her? Following her around pathetically at school?" Sam paused and took a breath. "Is it too late for you to love me? Remember that one, Benson? That really sounds like a man who's NOT in love!"

"Where are you getting this from? We're friends! Just like I thought you and I were-"

"Friends! Oh please! You burned that bridge months ago. You've told me I don't care about you, that I need to be more 'normal.' And then when I find something I'm actually good at, something that can make me forget what a mess you've made of my life, you call me a criminal and a nuisance…in front of customers! Like I didn't even matter! And I just ignored it – or tried to. I tried to be your friend! I tried to give you what you obviously wanted and just pretend that you and me never even happened. But then, just when I'm starting to get over it – to get over you, you asked me if I wanted to get back together, and when I started to answer you, you changed the subject!"

"You're really going to blame this whole thing on me? Okay, so I asked if you wanted to get back together – but you made your answer pretty clear when you jumped on that motorcycle and left Seattle without as much as a so long and thanks for all the ham!"

Leonard and Penny were grateful that they had reached the 4th floor. Penny opened her apartment door and Sam stormed inside as Penny stopped Freddie from following her.

"Freddie, sweetie, let it go for tonight. She's upset."

"But she thinks that-"

"It doesn't matter, Freddie. You have to let her be upset for a while." Penny looked to Leonard and gave him a half-smile, then closed the door behind them.

Leonard walked Freddie back to Apartment 4A and opened the door. Sheldon looked up from his laptop at the two men. "Good evening Leonard. And Fredward. From the red stains all over you, you either lost a knife fight or enjoyed your barbecue. But given your company, it might have been both." He guffawed.

"Sam and I had an argument. She thinks I'm still in love with her best friend."

"I see. And how does this concern me?"

"Freddie's upset, Sheldon," Leonard interjected.

"Well, why didn't you say so, Leonard? I'll make Freddie a hot beverage," Sheldon said as he got up from his spot on the couch and walked to the kitchen.

Freddie turned to Leonard and groaned. "She always pushes me away!"

Leonard shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't think I'm of any help, Freddie. I'm no good at all with women, and I still don't know why Penny is with me. Maybe next week, she won't be. We've broken up enough times. But Penny's right. Sam's just upset. Talk to her tomorrow."

"Now, hold on!" Sheldon broke in. "On what basis are you concluding that it will somehow be better just because they've both slept for several hours? Fredward, did you get into a fight with that … female because you were both sleep-deprived?"

"Uh, no," Freddie replied. "Sam and I have mostly fought with each other since the first day we met. We even fought all the time we were dating. Maybe that's the only way we can relate to each other."

"So Leonard, why do you think eight hours' sleep will suddenly change this state of affairs?"

"Because they'll be less upset if they give each other some space, Sheldon!" Leonard retorted.

"You don't have to be nasty," said Sheldon. "I was just pointing to potential logistical inconsistencies in your argument that could give Fredward a false sense of optimism." He turned toward Freddie. "But really, Fredward, if all you do is fight, why are you so determined to pursue a relationship with this woman? Remember that the classic example of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting a different result."

"Because I care about her, Sheldon!"

"Well, if you tell her that, I'm sure you can overcome however many years it was of mistrust and recrimination."

"Really?"

"Bazinga! Emotion only gets in the way of good scientific research. Just look at Leonard!"

"But I need her uncle to find us some salphanarium."

"Then take one for the team, Benson."

At that moment, there was a loud knock at the door. Freddie ran to it, hoping it would be Sam wanting to talk, but Howard and Raj walked in, Howard sporting a large bruise on his left cheek from his earlier encounter with Sam's buttersock.

Howard looked at the caked barbecue sauce on Freddie's face. "What happened to you?"

"I had dinner with Sam tonight. We had a little argument, and she squirted me with barbecue sauce."

"What is it with that girl and food? I don't even want to think about what she'd do with whipped cream in the bedroom."

"How's your face, Howard?" Leonard asked.

"It's basically fine. Penny has done worse to it. Freddie, your friend has yet to cultivate the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz."

"You've gotta be careful, Howard," Freddie said. "She doesn't always know when to stop once she's angry. She nearly put the Mexican ambassador in the burn unit with a hot chili dog when he cut in front of her at the cashier at Six-Twelve. Be grateful it was only the buttersock."

"What is a buttersock?" Raj interjected.

"A sock full of hard butter, and you hit people with it," said Freddie.

"Oh. Well I think you should be grateful it wasn't a peanut butter sock. If you went anywhere near peanut butter, we'd be taking you back to the emergency room."

Across the hall, Penny tried to get Sam to calm down. "Sam, honey, relax. I know you're mad, but you won't fix anything by storming around the apartment."

"That nub! He tells me he loves me, then ignores me, then tries to go back to my best friend! And he has the nerve to drag me to L.A. to do him favors! You know what, I'm leaving. Thanks for everything, Penny."

"Whoa, Sam, stay here and get yourself a good night's sleep, then think about this again tomorrow. Enjoy a few days here in Pasadena."

Penny went to the refrigerator and took out the bottle of wine she and Sam had started earlier in the day. "You need a glass of wine, to relax, Sam."

"I hate that nub!" Sam screamed.

"And I need the rest of the bottle," Penny observed.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Penny opened it to reveal Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Good evening, Penny. I attempted to telephone you repeatedly during the evening, but you never answered."

"I was out at dinner with Leonard and Freddie, and one of Freddie's friends-"

"Is this your sister?" Penny interrupted, looking at Sam. "She looks like a much younger version of you."

"No, this is Sam Puckett, a very old friend of … much younger?"

"Well, you surely agree that no one would mistake you for a teenager?"

"Amy, I'm comfortable with who I am," Penny replied as she looked anxiously at a mirror. "Sam is a very good friend of Freddie's from Seattle. They were on a webshow together for years. And they also dated."

Amy turned to Sam. "And you've come here to rekindle the flame or at least relieve your biological urge to copulate? A booty call, as I believe it is in the vernacular?"

"Hey!" Sam stepped toward Amy before Penny moved between them."

"Amy, it hasn't gone too well so far. Sam and Freddie have a lot of things to deal with that go back to high school. He still likes her best friend."

"Well, males do have a biological urge to plant their seed as widely as possible in order to make the production of offspring more likely. Was he in a relationship with this best friend?"

"No, she never liked him, except for the time she thought she did, but only loved him having saved her life. But he never stopped liking her."

"So is she prettier, smarter, and more caring toward him than you?"

"No!" Sam yelled back. Then more softly, she said "yes?"

"Oh, well if her personality has all those characteristics, then you're admitting she's a much suitable mate for him than you."

"More suitable?"

"Well, she's his intellectual equal, able to provide him companionship and a pleasant and loving home life. Whereas you essentially offer secondary sexual characteristics such as curvy hips and an ample bosom that suggest fertility. Though that appeals primarily to older men who fear loss of testosterone and a falling sperm count."

"I don't want to have the nub's kid!"

"You protest too much. You are only upset because you must still care about him, evidenced by the scream you let out as I was walking up to Penny's door, and because someone of his intelligence would in fact an appealing father for your child. Just like the big hunk of genius across the hall from here."

"You like the weirdo? Who still looks like a weirdo in an apartment full of them?"

"Have a glass of wine, Amy. Help me figure out how to get these two back on the right track. Let's help Sam land herself a scientist. You too, Sam."

Sam looked up at Penny. "Yeah, okay. And I have to call my Uncle Carmine in the morning about this safadoodle thing they want for the lab. After I told him why I left Seattle, Carmine's been looking forward to having a little chat with Freddie."

A/N2: And I'm sure you remember what Carmine told Freddie he'd do if he ever hurt his little Sammy…