I own Nothing but the plot

The life of a pretty liar

Why am I so full of doubt I just wish that I could trust that he told me the truth, I can't say for sure what I feel for him but it must be something after all I did give myself to him. Even though he didn't do the same at least it doesn't seem that way to me, perhaps this is my own fault I trusted him to fast too soon and he is more knowledgeable than me he's older much older than me. I should have trusted my gut but I got caught up in a somewhat blinding way… maybe it was because no guy had ever treated me in that way and I was not about to be picky well not really.

Still I don't understand many things he is a stranger to me still and will now always be because there is doubt in me and when in doubt get out but I don't want to get out I just want to have things be the way that they were not too long ago, I shouldn't have left but I was not gone for too long just two weeks. And yet in those two weeks everything seemed to have changed transformed into something completely different than what I had been expecting… but what had I been expecting? I really don't know the answer to that, maybe I had assumed that everything would have stayed the same no change or if there was going to be change it would have been for the better not for worse.

But things don't turn out how we would have liked for them to be like, life sucks that way I guess! But now here I am with a head full of questions that I'm too afraid to ask and a big knot in my throat which would mean that I want to cry but no tears form in my eyes. Just that lump and a million questions that I have no courage to ask and it's all topped off with a huge serving of fear.

Fear of not seeing him ever again? Or maybe of him being guilty of something... I have not had any sign of his existence in weeks now which means that one he has told me the truth of his location the first time or I can considered myself dumped which really sucks because we weren't even together officially! Hell we were supposed to be just fuck buddies seriously what the hell! I should have listen to my gut hell I had predicted that I would get attached and that's what happened I think.

Of course I really didn't know what I was doing so point for me? Or for him? Oh this is just too much to take in and maybe I should try to cry, just to let it all out that helps right! But I shouldn't feel sorry for myself after all I'm young and like he once told me, "Your beautiful and you'll have lots of guys in your life, just live your life without regrets." But now I'm just wondering if that was something he said just to brain wash me? Probably.

Okay now the knot has become more present and the tears are here now so far just two drops are running down my face. He would always call me beautiful and at first I didn't believe him, I thought it was just something he would say for saying it I really don't know, eventually I started to believe it slowly that turned into sexy and by that point it would be an alternation between the two and towards the end I became baby. What does this all mean?

I could go on ahead and look in books magazines even ask questions but those answers that I would get could or couldn't be the correct answer… what is even the question here anyways? If I was beautiful? Sexy? Or just naïve enough for him to take advantage of? I think it's the last one and the answer to that is yes! And not just for him for any guy he didn't have to be older than me for that. Maybe

I could have done a lot of things differently and now that things have passed and been done I know what I would have changed, first off I wouldn't have given my first kiss that fast to him second which probably should be the first but it's what happened next I wouldn't have given him my first time to him just like that, like if it meant nothing it wasn't special I wasn't in love I didn't have a crush I was just wanting to experience affection from a male. But that was not the way I should have done this, but it wasn't all entirely horrible he did make me feel wanted and I would get so giddy and happy excited and all these other feelings when I would talk to him for hours at night all night until I would fall asleep.

That was back in the start of it all when it was all pink and wonderful I and it amazes me that all these things happened to me in a matter of months its been almost a year now since we met, if he did tell me the truth and he is where he said he would be and in 3 months more like 2 ½ months he calls me back then… I want to welcome him with open arms only this time no sex at least not for some time as in until he proves to me that he really is my friend that he doesn't just want me sexually like I think, and if he doesn't ever re-enter my life I want to remember him with… as the friend that... no the person that I needed to meet to get a little excitement in my life and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

So that's what I'm going to do it's now end of mid-September and one of his months and some is up he has until the end of November to make his presents known to me, but don't get me wrong this doesn't mean that I won't try to find someone new. After all he did help me and I'm different now than from when I met him, now all I have to do is wait and see what happens, but that's what makes fear and a lump on my throat appear.

What if he really just left my life?

Just like that he could possibly be gone forever, I hope not because I want to believe those nice things that he told me. Either way I will always remember him even if he's forgotten all about me. I hope not though.

September 23, 2012

Ino