Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. I'm just bending the characters to my will and they better do what I say. Applies to every dratted chapter.

P.S. I swear a lot. Just saying.

Prelude - Pissy Old Ladies and Prehistoric Perverts

"You prehistoric, perverted ass! I'll fuck up your ancient junk, you septic nutbucket!" Miss Rose cursed.

Standing in her garden, she was leaning over the waist-height hedge, waving her gardening shears dangerously close to Emmett McCarty. The look on her face told she was a woman on a mission. And that mission was, perhaps, to take Emmett's eye out using her shears. Or maybe his balls. You never know with Miss Rose. She was old but she had a fiery spirit. Emmett, standing on the other side of the hedge just out of the range of her shears, was laughing his infamous belly laugh while his blue eyes shone mischievously.

Bella couldn't help but grin and shake her head at the colorful string of curses that left the slightly-wrinkled mouth of her beloved neighbor.

"What did he do this time, Miss Rose? Do you want me to kick his ass?" Bella inquired with barely-contained amusement as she walked closer to where the scene was playing out.

As soon as she got close enough, Emmett hid behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, using her as a human shield against Miss Rose's fervent onslaught.

"B, you're siding with her again? I'm telling you this crazy old bat is after me. She wants to put her claws in this fine specimen of masculinity!" he defended in a mock-innocent tone, his voice betraying his amusement. His shoulders started shaking with silent laughter.

"Who're you calling crazy-old-bat, you shriveled-up ball bag! You're nothing but a man-booby, saggy-assed obsolete prick!" was Miss Rose's incensed response.

Bella was laughing so hard by the end of this rant that Emmett had to put a hand on her waist so she didn't topple over. Miss Rose was so mad it was only a matter of time that steam came out of her ears.

"Hey, I don't have man-boobs!" he pushed out his chest – which was pretty well-built for a 60-year-old – and pouted at the still-laughing Bella, "Do I, B?"

"You have man-boobs and you have a good-for-nothing, tiny, withered dick!" Miss Rose beat Bella to it.

His smile dropped and his gaze, trained on Miss Rose, became intense.

"Oh honey, you and I both know there's nothing tiny about my dick!" he said in a low, sultry tone.

Bella groaned and Miss Rose's ears turned pink, before she abruptly turned and scurried off into the confines of her home.

"Seriously Mac, I don't need to hear this shit first thing in the morning," Bella whined, still disgusted by the weird foreplay she had just witnessed between her father-figure and their neighbor.

Emmett McCarty or Mac, as Bella calls him, snickered unabashedly and put his arm around her shoulder.

"Aw come on, B. What's an old guy to do in this boring-ass neighborhood? Plus, she wants me!" he finished proudly, waggling his eyebrows obnoxiously.

"Mac!" Bella complained.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. Jeez, what's up your skinny butt this fine morning?" Mac teasingly nudged her shoulder.

Bella smiled reluctantly but when she felt his hands slide to the ticklish spot on her side, she started laughing and squirming, trying to get away from him. Mac was having none of that. He used one hand to pin her and the other to make her laugh.

It was a beautiful voice – Bella's laugh. If it was up to Mac, the girl would never stop laughing. She'd had enough heartache to last a lifetime.

"Uncle, uncle!" Bella wheezed, rendered breathless after all the laughter.

"Who's your uncle, little lady?" Mac stopped his tickle-attack and put his hand around her shoulder again. He thought of her as a daughter. In fact, he often joked with his son, Christian, that she was the son he never had. But jokes aside, she was the best thing that ever happened to Mac.

Bella simply burrowed her head in his shoulder and gave him an affectionate squeeze. Mac was her hero. Her mentor. And for all intents and purposes – her father.

"So. What did you do?" Bella inquired once she'd managed to catch her breath.

"What made you think I did something, Squirt?" he huffed lightheartedly.

Bella simply cocked an eyebrow, waiting him out.

"Okay," he conceded and then casually added, "I just asked her if her boobs were as firm as they looked."

Bella nodded. She'd stopped being surprised at anything Mac did. She knew better.

"And?" she asked knowingly.

"I may have copped a feel," his voice playfully sheepish but his eyes conveyed that he wasn't sorry at all.

Bella snorted, unsurprised by Mac's antics.

"Miss Rose is right. You are a prehistoric pervert!" Bella said decisively.

"I'm not prehistoric. I swear that Rex guy came before me!" he protested lightheartedly.

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Were your jokes funny in that era?" she joked.

"I'll have you know, Mrs. McCarty loved all my jokes." Mac pretended to be mad.

"I thought love was blind. Not deaf." She retorted with false solemnity.

"Smartass!" Mac laughed boisterously and proceeded to grasp her in a headlock. They laughed and wrestled their way into the beige-colored building that had always brought her the comfort of home – way more than the cold, immaculately-decorated rooms of her parents' mansion.

AN: Waddya think? Sucks? Not what you expected? Hate it? Should I even continue? Let me know, so I can effectively cockblock my first writing attempt in forever. I'm writing by the seat of my pants. I can take hate mail, so if you hate this then lay into me! I can take tough love. I realize this is a short chapter and has practically nothing of consequence in it. I just wanted to gauge the reactions.

This is just a prelude. The next chapter is the real deal.