What You Wish For

Chapter 19

Ok, it wasn't the next day, but it's still a pretty quick turn around! I had a spare 30 minutes and quickly smashed out this chapter for you.

Elliot has been patiently waiting by Liv's side for the moment when she would awake. That moment is finally here. How will Liv deal with the news of all that has happened to her? How will Elliot handle hearing the harsh reality of Liv's condition? Just a bit more angst to add to your angst! Not mine, still just playing with them!

It wasn't like the movies. There was no gentle awakening, no calm resurfacing to consciousness. There weren't flowers and hugs and happily ever after. Elliot didn't know what exactly he expected but it wasn't this.

Olivia came to with a choking gasp for air and a clasping of hands at space. Her body had recoiled and her eyes had flown around the room in a panic. Unable to form words, her throat had emitted a series of frightening gurgles as she panicked. Two nurses hurried to restrain her before she could cause further damage to the wound at her abdomen, or her leg. They held her firmly to the bed as she writhed against them. The taller of the two nurses pressed the buzzer for more assistance.

Elliot stood to the side, trying to stay out of the way but trying to catch Liv's gaze – wanting desperately to calm her. She had torn her hand from his when she had awoken and it flailed now, clawing at the tubes still attached to her. Elliot grimaced, not knowing what he could do to help.

Another nurse arrived with a syringe. She quickly inserted it into Liv's IV and Elliot watched as a mere matter of seconds past before Olivia began to sink back into the pillows, the nurses relinquishing their hold on her. As her head lolled back against the white fabric her frightened eyes finally locked on his, questioning.

"Hey," he whispered, his throat hoarse. "Hey." He said again, more strongly. "It's ok, Liv. You're ok." He reached out and ran his hand across her clammy forehead, pushing her greasy hair back from her eyes. "You're going to be ok." He frowned as her eyes grew heavy, the pauses between opening from each blink growing longer.

"What did you give her?" He demanded of the nurse. She had only just woken up for crying out loud! And now they were knocking her out again.

"A mild sedative, Detective." The nurse said, as she took Liv's pulse. She spared a glance at Elliot. "She's still awake. It was to calm her. We don't want her pulling anything out and she's going to be in a bit of shock." She wrote her results onto the chart. "Talk to her. She can hear you. The doctor has been paged and will be here shortly to talk with Detective Benson. He will explain her condition to her."

"How long will the sedative last?" Elliot was still frowning. It didn't seem right to be sending in a doctor when she was in this state.

"It was a very small dosage, enough to calm her. By the time the doctor arrives I would say Detective Benson will be able to fully comprehend her diagnosis. Now, if she panics again, or says she is in pain, press the pager and I will organise a higher dose of pain killers for her." The nurse gave him a gentle smile and followed the other two out of the room.

Turning back to Olivia, Elliot found her watching him with heavy eyes. He quickly rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand, soothing her. He used his other hand to pull the chair closer to the bed so that he could rest his elbows on the bed and hold her hand with both of his.

"Hey," he said softly, smiling gently. His eyes held hers and he could feel the moisture building in his. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to be strong for her. He needed to be strong for her right now. Her eyes took it all in. He could have laughed. She always saw right through him. "Hey," he said again, almost to himself as if to confirm that she was really right there with him.

Liv opened her mouth to speak but she could only manage a husky rasp and she quickly coughed at the dryness of her throat. Her eyes grew wide as pain tore through her at her body's motion and tears sprung to her eyes.

"Don't speak Liv!" Elliot soothed, trying to calm her panic. How was he supposed to explain what had happened to her? Where was that doctor? "Your throat will be sore. You had to have a breathing tube in. It will be ok in a day or so." He tried to keep his voice soft and calm. He saw her looking around, her eyes falling on the cup of water that was sitting on the bedside table beside him. Her hand weakly tried to pull away from his and point toward the cup. He realised what she wanted.

"You can't Liv." He felt like a monster. "Your wound… I don't know if you're allowed any fluids just yet." That was true. The nurse hadn't said anything about drinks, or food for that matter. They had removed the feeding tube when they had removed the breathing tube several days before. Elliot hadn't been told anything about what would happen now. But Olivia still had an open wound in her abdomen and he didn't think giving her a glass of water was the best idea without permission. Her eyes found his, searching, trying to find answers to questions that Elliot didn't know how to answer.

"I'm so glad you're back, Liv." He whispered, squeezing her hand, an errant tear falling down his cheek as he was overwhelmed with emotion. He didn't want to cry in front of her. He didn't want her seeing him so weak when she needed him to be strong. But he couldn't help it. The worry. The fear. The pain. The not knowing if he'd ever see her eyes again. It had been too much. Coupled with the lack of sleep and he had zero control over his emotions at that moment. "I missed you so much. I didn't know… but here you are. I knew nothing could keep you down." He gave her a teary smile, wiping his face with his free hand. Noticing her own teary face, he tenderly wiped her cheeks. He felt her gently squeeze his hand and he placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "It's going to be ok, Liv." He promised. He didn't know that for sure, but he'd die trying to make it alright for her if he had to.

He watched as Olivia choked back a sob and then cringed in pain, her eyes sprouting fresh tears. Feeling panicked, and needing to ease her pain he moved quickly to his feet, looking down at her.

"Are you in pain?" He asked dumbly. He was already reaching for the nurse page button. He didn't release her hand, instead trying to convey some of his strength and warmth into her chilly hand.

The nurse, Marcie, arrived quickly. She came in, immediately placing her fingers on Olivia's wrist and taking a quick pulse.

"Welcome back, Detective." She said warmly. "You've had your partner, here, very worried about you." She looked back and forward between the two detectives. Liv's eyes found Elliot's and he held her gaze. "Are you in pain?" Marcie asked. Olivia went to answer, but Marcie stopped her before she could utter a sound. "Don't talk, sweetheart. Your throat will be raw from the tubes. I'll give you some ice chips to suck once the doctor has been. But for now, can you nod and shake your head yes and no?"

Olivia managed a weak nod.

"Excellent! Now are you in pain?"

Olivia gave another weak nod, her eyes flitting to Elliot's. He gave her a brave smile, squeezing her hand again.

"Ok. I'm going to give you a low dose of Morphine. I will hook you up to a self-administering IV once the doctor has been, but I want you coherent for him." She picked up a syringe and vial that Elliot hadn't noticed her come in with and quickly filled the syringe. "Sorry, Detective," she said to him. "I'm going to need that hand." Elliot quickly moved out of her way and around to the other side of the bed. He didn't miss how Olivia's panicked eyes followed his every move.

"I'm not going anywhere, Liv," he promised. He picked up her uninhibited hand and held it firmly. Marcie administered the morphine and Elliot watched as Olivia's eyes closed and she inhaled deeply as the drug hit her. He'd never seen Liv look so fragile before, and it broke his heart. He knew this must be killing her. He knew she hated to look weak.

"Ok darling, that's going to take the edge off the pain for you. Has buggerlugs here explained what's happened to you?" She gave Elliot a friendly smile. Olivia managed to shake her head, her eyes once again seeking out Elliot's. "Probably best to let the doctor do it, I suppose." Marcie placed the syringe and vial back on the tray and turned back to face them.

"You've sustained a serious injury, Olivia," she said in a kind but firm voice. "You're still hooked up to quite a few machines and things. I know you must be frightened, and disoriented, at the moment but the doctor will be here very shortly to discuss your injuries with you. I need for you to stay as still as possible. No talking, coughing, laughing – if Detective Stabler here starts telling you jokes I'll have to ask him to leave." She gave a gentle smile. Elliot gave her an appreciative smile, glad that he wasn't having to explain this.

"I'm going to check that the doctor is on his way. I'll leave you in Detective Stabler's capable hands. You're a very lucky woman. He has barely left your side." She gave them both a supportive smile before turning and leaving.

With a sigh, Elliot turned his attention back to Olivia. Her eyes were searching his, imploring him. He wanted to tell her everything; knew that she was asking him, in the only way she could, what had happened. He couldn't tell her. He simply couldn't explain everything that had happened. And he didn't have enough knowledge about her wounds to even begin explaining those.

"The doctor will be here soon, Liv." He promised. He ran his hand gently over her cheek once more.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOOEOEOEEOOEEOEOOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOOEEOOEOEOEOEOEOEOOE

The doctor had arrived shortly after, followed by Marcie. He had looked from Olivia to Elliot and back again.

"Are you happy for me to speak in front of Detective Stabler or would you like for this to be a private conversation?" He had asked. Elliot had stood, preparing to give Liv some privacy. He hadn't really wanted to leave her, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear this.

Her hand grasping his tightly, and the fear in her eyes, was more than enough to convince him to stay.

In the end, he almost wished he hadn't.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOOEEOOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOE

She had cried.

Olivia hated that she had cried but she couldn't stop the tears that poured from her eyes as the doctor told her the details of her injuries. About the baby she had lost. About the months of rehabilitation, she would still have to endure. About the open wound still in her abdomen; with tubes and draining fluids. The thought of it alone was enough to make her want to tear at the tubes, rip them from her body. She wanted to claw at her skin. She wanted nothing more than to run from the hospital, to flee, but she couldn't even do that. She couldn't walk. She couldn't eat. She couldn't move. She couldn't conceive again.

That was what he had said.

Unlikely to be able to conceive again.

The injury, the trajectory of the bullet, the scar tissue, her age. All of these factors were against her and the doctor had, in no uncertain terms, told her that her dream of having a baby was gone forever. Beyond her reach. A lost cause. Lost. Like the child she had already conceived. Her child. Her baby.

Gone.

She had felt Elliot's eyes on her, felt the comfort of his hand on hers, but had barely registered it as she sank into her own despair. She could feel his concern, realised that this was news to him as well. She knew that he wanted to help her, to make her feel better. But at that moment she didn't want to feel better. She didn't want to feel anything. Not the pain in her abdomen. Not the burning in her leg. Not the aching in her heart at the knowledge of all she had lost. She wanted blackness and nothingness.

Olivia couldn't even look at her partner as she pressed the button on the self-administering IV Marcie had set up. She couldn't face him as she pressed it several times in succession; numbing the pain and the harsh reality of life. She sank into the blackness. She let it swallow her up. There would be time later to deal with everything. Right now, she needed to cease to be.

Argh! Why am I such a terrible person? Why have I don't this to poor Olivia? Is she going to bounce back from this news or is this the final straw for her? How much more heartbreak can a person take? Brace yourselves because she's got to come out of her drug induced haze at some point and face reality. And there's the inevitable conversation with Fin to be had, yet! Keep on reading! I appreciate the reviews guys! Thanks so much!