Liar, Liar

Prompt:

"Can I start again with my faith shaken? 'Cause I can't go back and undo this. I just have to stay and face my mistakes, but if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this"

You're a liar, Sirius Black. A big, big liar. The bottom of the heap, the dirt under a shoe, the irremovable stain on a perfectly, plain white sheet…

You're mother told you when you were four. Do you remember? You're lying, you filthy little boy, she said. Did that hurt? Of course it didn't, you were…are Sirius Bloody Black. Nothing's fazed you, not ever.

Not until now.

Now you're alone in a small, small cage but no, actually it's very, very big, and you're alone. You and your nightmares;

"Mummy it wasn't me" you said. She hit you for that. Didn't you know it was meant to be mother, not mummy, never mummy.

But that wasn't your biggest mistake, was it Black? No, that was small, tiny, completely insignificant, unworthy of even mentioning compared to your other mistakes. They were big, weren't they?

Now, now, don't shut your eyes, don't block your ears, you know it's true. You know what you did.

Yes, yes, you were only sixteen. Oh what's that? Fifteen? Oh ok, then you were only fifteen. Poor you, poor boy, had a fight with baby brother did you? Was that what made it all ok? You were angry, and when Sirius Black is angry he does what he wants doesn't he?

You made a promise once when you were eleven. Do you remember that? Do you remember swearing to be brothers forever? Do you remember spitting and shaking hands? Do you remember being twelve? Do you remember telling a friend you won't ever, ever spill his deepest secret, never, not even if it was a life and death situation, you said. He rolled his eyes.

He should have made you make an unbreakable, shouldn't he?

They all should have.

But maybe that would have made no difference. You would have broken one anyway, even if it meant your death.

Death.

That's what you want right now, isn't it boy? Well, it's not coming any time soon. Oh no, death has a special plan for you. Very, special indeed.

You ran that night didn't you, laughing, smiling. Oh so happy that you'd finally done it- got one over old Severus Snape.

You remember that night don't you?

You speaking, him punching you to the ground, "How could you Sirius?" he said.

He never called you Sirius; it was always Padfoot, Padfoot and Prongs.

He hated you then. He never said it, but he did. You know that. He hated you. You went past that line, not by a toe, but by a leap. You broke the boundaries. You became truly a Black. You betrayed your own friend for your own selfish, sick pleasure. You laughed. You smirked. You didn't give a damn. Because you're the bottom of the heap, the dirt under a shoe, the irremovable stain on a perfectly, plain white sheet and you care only for yourself, isn't that right?

No? Are you sure Black? Are you sure it wasn't always just a sick game for you? Are you sure you really regretted it?

Or was it all for show? The not eating, not sleeping, the bucket loads of apologies; morning and afternoon, the grief on you face, the pain in your voice…was it fake?

Or was it real, was it because suddenly it all made perfect sense?

You were a Black.

And nothing you could do would change that. Not the Gryffindor lion on your school uniform. Not the muggle-born girl you took on a date, not the blood traitor best friend…

Nothing in the world changed the fact that you were, (are), a Black.

Black as Bellatrix, Black as your mother, Black as Narcissa with her white, white hair.

Blood they say is thicker than water.

You were bound by your blood to failure, to lies, and deceit. You lost all faith because of that small truth.

Much like you're losing all faith now. But it was different then, wasn't it? He was there. He was there to tell you that you were not a Black, you were not the bottom of the heap, the dirt under a shoe, the irremovable stain on a perfectly, plain white sheet.

He didn't say it in those words but he was there. He punched you down, but even if it was weeks later, he picked you up from the grave you had dug yourself. He dusted you off.

"C'mon Padfoot, you're not like them"

You're not like them. He was the only one who said it, and meant it completely, believed it in every bone of his body, because he was James freaking Potter, the boy too damn noble for his own good and dammit it boy, he made you walk on your own two feet again.

He made you say and believe you would get past your mistakes. He told you in no uncertain terms, that you could never make time go back, he told you it would never be forgotten, but he also told you who you were, he told you to learn and grow and my, my, you did.

You stood and you said you'd do everything to go past that mistake.

And you did it.

You told yourself you couldn't change the past but you would change the future. You told yourself you were strong enough to face it all; your blood, you past, your mistakes…you became a better person, still unmistakeably Sirius Black but wiser now.

The Marauders were reborn and you were with them once more; handsome, intelligent, powerful…he gave you that, your true brother, with his belief, and his strength, with his kindness and friendship he gave you another chance.

He trusted you.

It's a shame he didn't know you were just a little liar; he might have lived.

What did you say to him? Ah, yes, I'll always protect you Prongs.

Liar.

Of course, I'll always be there for Harry.

Liar.

The plans fool proof.

Liar.

You'll be safe.

Liar.

We'll all make it out of this alive, I promise.

Liar

Liar, Liar, Liar.

He put trust in you boy, and you killed him. Murdered your own friend. And no, no, you didn't say the curse and you weren't there to see the flash of green and you didn't see him crumple to the floor and you couldn't have stood in front of him, because you were miles away but…you killed him. You sat there and you spoke, you stood and you waved your wand, you changed their secret keeper, you, you told them it was a brilliant idea; you said it'd all be ok.

But it wasn't.

And now Lily is dead. And James is dead. No, don't block your ears, he's dead, and he's never going to laugh with you again, and he's never going to punch you on the arm, and he's never going to go out for a pint. He's gone.

James Potter is gone.

Once upon a time, you made a big mistake and that boy pushed you down, and then he picked you up and made you stronger and wiser.

You became a fighter, one of the best the Order had, you killed and tortured those on the dark side, you helped and healed your friends, you were looked up to. You were loved.

And it was because of him, him and his unwavering faith.

Faith. How much you would like to have faith now. Faith in life, faith in the ministry, faith in yourself... But there's nothing in you now but hollow space so you crawl in to your corner and you scream and you scream.

You are alone my boy.

But you are also surrounded by crowds of those with no souls, who have no conscience, who now you see as those you belong with because as the dementors swirl around and as you join in in a song of torturous screams, harsh whimpers and manic cries you know, you know you're the bottom of the heap, the dirt under a shoe, the irremovable stain on a perfectly, plain white.

A/N; I have no idea what this is. I have never written anything like it, and yes, it is slightly weird and confusing and strange but somehow I'm happy with it. The speaker is…actually, I don't know who the speaker is, Sirius is in Azkaban so it could be a voice from his own mind because of the dementors and what not, so read it in any way you like :)

This was written for slightlysmall's Catharsis competition and my prompts were the song lines from the beginning. It was due over a week ago, but because I went on holiday and have absolutely no time management skills whatsoever it only got completed now.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this! Reviews would really be appreciated, especially since I've never written anything like this and really want to know if it works or not.