Hello my pretties! This is a one shot, that will probably end up eventually having a prequel RusAme attached to it. Also, regardless of how fluffy the title sounds, it's really not a happy story.

Pairings: [main] PruCan and [side] RusAme, and [very, very slight] GerIta
*I always seem to have RusAme in my stories… is there an intervention course for this?*

Warnings: Cursing (lots of cursing, including using the offensive f-word for gay when people are insulting each other), abuse/self-mutilation and heavy making out. Also, I realize France and Spain are (super) extremely OOC. What I mean is that they're the two of the three most homophobic characters in this entire fic. It's just for the purpose of this story because I actually really do like FrUK and Spamano. If you would like to argue with me about their OOC-ness, just send my a PM I'll tell you my rationalization.

Disclaimers: I don't own Hetalia, nuff said.

Also, the title was supposed to be a line from She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5: It's not always rainbows and butterflies. But, being the idiot that I am, I couldn't remember the song title or the actual line while I was writing or posting (somehow I didn't think to look on google...). I was like: "Rainbows and what? Rainbows and Cupcakes? No... Rainbows and Sunshine...? Rainbows and Gumdrops... no... Fuck it! I'm going with rainbows and gumdrops."

"Hey Birdie!" Gilbert yelled to Matthew, "Come sit with us!" Matthew smiled and walked, practically skipping, over to his best friend. He still couldn't believe that he was so close with the other senior, the 'awesome' Gilbert Beilschmidt.

The Canadian couldn't help but notice that the closer he got to the lunch table, the brighter Gilbert's smile became, but the deeper his friends', Antonio and Francis, frowns turned. Antonio and Francis hated Matthew with a burning passion, and he suspected it began the moment they found out he was gay.

Matthew wasn't ashamed of being gay, not at all, but it's not like he just announced it whenever he met someone. How ridiculous would he sound if he walked up to someone new and said, 'Hi I'm Matthew Williams, and I'm gay'? That's why the other three seniors, the Bad Touch Trio, didn't know he was for the first few months of their close friendship.

-start flashback-

Matthew, Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio sat in a tight circle on Gilbert's floor passing around cigarettes and bottles of booze. Burning liquid painfully slid down their throats and lazy puffs of smoke filled the room before floating out the wide open window. "Hmm," Francis said rubbing a hand against his stubble, "Here is your truth, Mathieu: describe your last relationship."

Matthew didn't have to think long to remember that relationship: the amber eyed blond from the Netherlands, Lars. There was a spark between them at the start of softmore year, and it wasn't long before they started dating. Lars and Matthew were not overly affectionate around others, unlike Matthew's brother and his boyfriend, but when it was just them, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. The moment the Canadian walked into Lars's house, he would quickly be scooped up onto the other's lap. Matthew would spend the rest of the night alternating between pulling long drags from whatever Lars was smoking and receiving dizzying kisses.

The moment Francis and Antonio realized the relationship Matthew was with another guy, they leaned away from him with disgusted expressions on their faces. Both were very devout, anti-gay Christians who believed any homosexuals were contaminated, but Gilbert didn't care, even though he too came from a very religious, anti-gay family. His little brother Ludwig was secretly dating another boy named Feliciano, so the albino couldn't bring himself to think badly of a guy for being gay.

-end flashback-

Sitting down at the table, Matthew gave Gilbert a big smile and started chatting. That smile was normally only for his boyfriends and his twin, Alfred. Except a while ago, the smile started appearing whenever Matthew thought of the albino, but the Canadian just pushed that more-than-friendly affection to the back of his mind accepting the fact that Gilbert would never want him like that.

The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. "Goodbye," Matthew said in his quiet way to Gilbert and the other teens, as he slipped up from his seat.

"Why do you let that flaming homo sit with us?" Francis hissed, at least having the decency to say it when Matthew was out of earshot.

"Hanging out with that fag is going to bring us all down," Antonio whispered angrily.

"Guys take a fucking chill pill; Matthew's cool," Gilbert shot back, defending his friend.

"It's almost like you love him," the French teen muttered darkly, momentarily sharing an angry look with the Spaniard.

They both missed the scared, pained look that crossed Gilbert's face, and the self-conscious way he pulled at the long sleeves of his dark hoodie.

That afternoon, Matthew plopped onto a chair in the dinning room and spread his schoolbooks all over his half of the table. He glanced over to the living room only to see Alfred and his boyfriend getting way too intimate on the couch.

"Hey Matt," Alfred called with a big grin before going right back to kissing the big Russian who's lap he straddled.

"Do you guys mind doing that in your bedroom instead of on the couch?" Matthew asked, blushing at the sight of his half-naked brother and well-defined boyfriend.

"Perhaps that is for the best, sunflower," Ivan said, getting up from the couch and pulling Alfred towards his bedroom. "It seems that I make your mother tense, especially if my tongue's in your mouth."

Alfred just shrugged, "She doesn't mind that much."

Alfred and Ivan slowly moved by the front door, mouths and hands all over each other when he and Matthew's mother threw open the door. The couple stopped walking, looking guilty with the Russian's hand in the golden blonde's back pocket and delving into his pants, and Alfred's hands tangled in his hair. "Dinner's in a bit, Ivan, you can eat with us too," their mother said, and with a sigh she added, "Find your shirts, and Alfred, button up your jeans for god's sake."

Slinking back to the couch, Ivan picked up Alfred's shirt and slipped the uniform polo shirt over his smaller boyfriends head. He laughed at whatever joke the golden blonde told and softly kissed his mouth. Matthew looked on at the happy scene, eyes full of envy; imaging what it would be like if it was he and Gilbert instead.

Gilbert's whole body shook as he held the sides of the sink. With two quick movements, he pulled his dark hoodie and his shirt exposing his secret, but it was only a cover-up for another. His pale arms were adorned with slashes; some were desperate and random while some were cruelly calculated, perfect. All of them were closed for now.

Out of his jeans, Gilbert extracted a pocketknife and brought it to his arms. Today was a deliberate day; each cut the same length, depth and distance from each other, four on each arm. Most days he cannot watch the poisoned blood flow out of his body, hopefully taking the unwanted, the feared, feelings with it down the drain. But today is a bad day.

Taking a deep breath, steadying his shaking hands and mind, Gilbert pressed the knife to his arm. The blood didn't flow at first, simply beaded up along the cut; a moment later it started spilling freely and running down his arm and hand in ribbons. He watched the blood's trail and pushed on his broken skin, trying to get more to come out.

He brought a bloodied hand to his face, smearing it with crimson liquid, and Gilbert wondered what the hell is so wrong with him. And he knew that none of it, not the cutting nor the heavy drinking, was going to help anything.

Gilbert looked at the broken boy in the mirror with heavy gaze, breaking down and letting out a racking sob for both of them. He opened him mouth and revealed his innermost secret, the reason for all this pain, to the boy in the mirror. "I want Matthew," he choked out, "I'm ga-." But his mouth snapped shut; he was unable to admit it even to himself.

Though it was Gilbert's affection for Matthew that caused him so much pain, he couldn't bear to be without the Canadian for long. They would hang out together several nights a week. Tonight, Matthew and Gilbert laid on the carpet in the albino's room smoking cigarettes and passing bottles of beer back and forth.

"Sorry about Elizabeta," Matthew murmured with a drunken drawl. A tiny frown appeared on Gilbert's face as he thought about his now ex-'girlfriend.' She had been his closest friend for years, and she was the first and only person Gilbert has ever come out to. She wasn't supposed to find out, but she had somehow figured it out on her own calling it her 'yaoi sense.' Whatever that meant. Under the threat of her weaponized frying pan, Gilbert couldn't lie to her and told her the entire truth, except the whole cutting thing. Nobody is finding out about that. Elizabeta wasn't interested in any guys at the time, so she suggested going out with Gilbert to get Francis and Antonio off his back. After awhile she got a crush on some Austrian kid and broke up with the albino, but there were no hard feelings.

"It's fine, Birdie," Gilbert slurred with a shrug. The Canadian gave him a skeptical look and stubbed out his cigarette before slipping his arms around Gilbert's neck, giving him a sloppy kiss.

"Kisses make everything better," Matthew drunkenly slurred. With that one little kiss, Gilbert's self control fizzled away, changing everything. With an undignified yelp, the Canadian found himself on his back, staring up at the smashed smirk of the albino.

"I want you, Birdie; I want you now," Gilbert declared seemingly confidently, but the tiny part of the albino's brain that was not drowned in alcohol screamed for him to stop. The rest of his brain quickly attempted to silence that part, but Gilbert could still its whisperings as he leaned in for another kiss.

The next morning, Gilbert felt a pair of warm, lean arms encircling his naked torso, long legs tangled with his, and soft hair pressed into the crook of his neck, tickling his face. He stroked the nice, silky hair, fingers trailing down that strange curl, as he prepared to apologize to whatever poor girl he slept with for Francis and Antonio's benefit.

"Don't lie to me, Gil," Matthew said, making the Gilbert's eyes flash open in surprise. "Do you like me or were you just drunk?"

"I really like you, Birdie, so I wanted to do it," the albino said hesitantly, a happy smile appearing on Matthew's face. "But I only did it cause I was drunk," he added, and the smile promptly fell off of the other's face. "Birdie, you know I can't be gay. You know how angry Antonio and Francis would be, and god! I don't even want to imagine what my father would do," he included, fear crossing his face.

Matthew untangled himself from the taller teen, "Bye, Gil, call me when you sort yourself out," he said hoarsely.

"But I need the awesome you! I can't be without you."

The Canadian gave him a sad smile and kissed his forehead, "My being here will mess with your head while you're trying to sort things out, but I'll come back or stay away as soon as you've decided."

Once Matthew left Gilbert's house, he couldn't hold back the tears and cried the entire drive home. He saw everything through blurry eyes, and as distracted as he was, the Canadian didn't know how he didn't run into something. He ran into the house, doors banging, and threw himself onto his bad, sobbing into his pillow.

"Hey, Matt," Alfred called, slowly opening the bedroom door. "What's wrong?"

"I was –sniff- drinking with Gil-Gilbert last night, and we –sniff- well, we… you know… He said he –sniff- wanted to be with me, but he –sniff- couldn't cause of his friends and family," Matthew choked out.

"Aww, bro, come here," he said wrapping strong arms around his shaking brother. "Homophobic fuckers…" Alfred muttered under his breath.

"You're so lucky –sniffle- that you and Ivan are actually together –sniffle," Matthew cried in the other's chest.

"Trust me, bro, its not all rainbows and gumdrops. I mean, it is when it's just Ivan and I, but when we're out in public especially at school… You know the shit all three of us have to deal with. At least people can just forget you're gay cause you not with anyone. They can't forget about us cause we're holding hands or whatever."

"Please," Matthew said in a teasing tone while his tears shone brightly in his eyes. "You two are never just holding hands; you and Ivan take PDA to a whole new level."

Alfred lightly hit his brother. "Yeah, yeah, but you get my point: you don't want to be with someone who is even the least bit ashamed of you."

Every morning before school, Ivan would drive by in his big, boxy truck to pick up Alfred. When the Russian first started dating him during junior year, Matthew made the mistake of being driven with Alfred by the larger Russian. Every stoplight, they would eagerly explore each other's mouths with their tongues, making Matthew feel increasingly uncomfortable. And since Gilbert wasn't there to pick him up, that's what was happening today.

"Cтоп (stop), Sunflower. If you keep doing this, I'll run us into something," Ivan said, trying to gently push Alfred away while flipping off whomever just cut him off .

"You know," he said continuing to nibble on the shell of the Russian's ear and tracing his fingers lightly across the strong jaw, "I don't think I will…"

Matthew grumbled from the backseat in envy as he watched the sickly sweet scene unfolding in front him.

When Matthew got to school, he realized that he never really noticed quite how badly their fellow classmates treated Ivan and Alfred. The moment they walked into the building, he noticed how much the two other teens tensed up, expecting an attack that was surely to come; and come it did. Alfred was punched in the eye and fell awkwardly on his knees and elbows with his butt in the air. Antonio gave him a swift kick there and sneered, "If you didn't have a boyfriend to take it up the ass from that wouldn't hurt so much…"

Ivan was thrown into the lockers, getting a bloody nose. "I think the blood adds a pop of color," Gilbert snickered in what was supposed to be some stereotypical gay voice.

"It's just so… rugged chic," Francis added in a fake valley girl accent.

"See you tomorrow, faggots," the Bad Touch Trio called, as they walked away. But as they did so, Gilbert shot a guilty, apologetic look over his shoulder that only Matthew noticed.

"You know, Sunflower, I really want to bash their heads in with my pipe," Ivan muttered, helping Alfred to his feet.

"Thanks, babe, but the teachers would crack down on you more than those assholes cause they're biased against us. Besides, you don't need to get in trouble over this cause it'll just happen tomororw. Here, let me do that," he said pinching the Russian's nose with some tissues from his bag. "They really like giving you bloody noses," he murmured.

"And you black eyes though your blue eyes are still beautiful even with those bruises," Ivan said with a nasal tone. Alfred moved his hand a little bit to kiss the Russian on the mouth with a small smile on his face.

"Let's go to the bathroom and clean you up. We'll see you at lunch, kay Matt?" Alfred said, as he limped away; his body pressed against Ivan's.

"Sunflower, you used to be popular before you started dating me," Ivan said quietly as Alfred dabbed a wet paper towel to his face.

"What's your point, babe?" he asked with a sigh.

"Why do you put up with me? A few nicely placed insults, a girlfriend or two and you're back in everyone's good graces. We could go back to fighting as though nothing happened. You're a golden boy, and you're being beaten up every day. It's all my fault." The Russian looked at his hands, not wanting Alfred to see the dejected and expecting looking in his eyes. The once-popular boy had it tough in recent times, but if he became Ivan's enemy again then all his problems would be solved.

Unexpected to Ivan, Alfred seized his face with a strong hand and forced him to make eye contact. "Babe, don't be stupid, I wouldn't ever turn my back on you again. I don't want to be a golden boy; I want you."

"That's because you want to be the hero by making every problem better regardless of what happens to you, and I'm the biggest sob story you've ever seen," he said sadly.

"You're right; if we weren't together my life would be easier." Ivan looked up; he figured this was the end and wanted get once last look at the windows to the soul he adored so much. "But I don't stay 'cause it's easy or 'cause of some stupid hero-complex. Ivan, I stay with you 'cause, well because I love you."

Ivan blinked in surprise; he was taken aback for a moment. They had hated each other for years, and only recently had that fiery emotion evolved into something.. good. No matter how many sweet kisses and passionate moments, and long minutes spent fighting for the other, and holding each other close and kissing away each pang of sadness, they never admitted to anything more than simple affection.

Taking a deep breath, Ivan confessed, "I love you too, Alfred."

Matthew jogged down the empty hallway to lunch when he was grabbed by the hood of his jacket and dragged into an empty supply closet. "Francis, Antonio, Gilbert, please don't hurt me! We used to be friends!" Matthew yelped.

"Calm, Birdie, it's me," a voice rumbled from directly to his right. "I'm here to… apologize."

Well, that's weird, Matthew thought to himself, Gil never apologizes.

"I've been thinking about it, and I just that I miss you so much. I can't be without you," he admitted. "So if you're willing to forgive me, there's something I want to do."

Matthew closed his eyes, and a multitude of expressions crossed his face in a whirlwind that Gilbert couldn't even hope to decipher. "What do you want to do?" With a small smile, the albino leaned down and pressed his lips gently to smaller teen's lips. Matthew made a mmmph!-ing sound but Gilbert grasped the back of his head, holding it in place to finish the kiss.

"Please, Birdie, give me another chance," he murmured, stroking his hair when he finally broke the kiss.

"Sorry Gil, I can't be with someone who's ashamed to be with me," Matthew stated, thinking back to what Alfred told him.

"But, Birdie, I'm not ashamed of you!" Gilbert said with wide eyes.

"So you'll walk into the lunchroom right now, holding my hand, walk over to Francis and Antonio and tell them we're together? And kiss me on the lips?" Matthew asked with narrowed eyes.

"The awesome me will do anything for my awesome Birdie; let's go!" the Prussian yelled dragging the other out of the closet with a firm grip on his hand.

"Hey Francis, Antonio!" Gilbert yelled, dashing over to their table. "You know how you're always getting on the awesome me for not having a relationship? I'm finally in one!"

Francis and Antonio's eyes jumped back and forth between a grinning Gilbert, a blushing Matthew and their intertwined hands. "No… Gilbert, how could you?" Francis gasped.

"Don't worry, we can still save you! Just repent for your sins, and God will forgive you," Antonio told him hurriedly.

"There's nothing to save me from," Gilbert said definitively.

Antonio's eyes narrowed, as he spoke ominously, "Don't worry, we'll save you. As soon as you're out of the demon fag's grip, you'll thank us."

"Yo, Bro! Bro's boy! Come join us!" Alfred interrupted the threatening conversation from what has been dubbed as the 'Rainbow Table.' The Rainbow Table's location changed from day to day depending on where Ivan and Alfred decided to sit. If they sat down with other people, those people would get up and move, and all nearby tables would scoot a few feet away. It was the table for all the out gay guys, only Alfred, Ivan, and sometimes Matthew, so everyone stayed away from it like it was the site of nuclear blast.

Sitting at this table was extremely awkward for Matthew because of how Alfred and Ivan acted together. They would alternate between eating, kissing and groping each other with the American perched on the Russian's lap. They inadvertently made Matthew the awkward third-wheel who could only watch the insane amount of fluff occurring in front of him.

Gilbert immediately sat down and pulled Matthew into a kiss that ended with a flustered Canadian sitting on his lap. Matthew couldn't help but feel a little smug that he could finally be part of one of those disgustingly happy couples that he was forced to watch far too often.

"Alright, Gilbert, we need to talk about you dating my little bro," Alfred said with an oddly serious and threatening expression. "I'm not going to give you some big lecture, that's not my style, so I'm just going to say two things. One, you make my bro happy, and that's great, so I'm giving you my blessing. Although if I didn't, I doubt there is anything I could do. Two, the moment you hurt him in some unnecessary way, all the anger I've contained in the past year and a half towards all assholes in our grade will be let loose onto you, and trust me, that will be very bad for you." Under Alfred's threatening gaze that was a somewhat mitigated by the fact Ivan was nuzzling his neck, Gilbert gave a meek nod. "Glad we understand each other."

Alfred's glare disappeared as suddenly as it had come, turning back to his normal Hollywood smile. "I'm starting quarterback, obviously, at today's game. You guys going to watch?"

Ivan gave a soft, proud smile. "Getting to see my Sunflower getting congratulatory ass slaps from his homophobic teammates? I wouldn't miss that for the world. I'll come as soon as ballet practice is over."

"Those ballet classes of yours prove every gay stereotype we get made fun of true. It's so much lamer than football," the golden blond smirked.

"I distinctly remember last time I practiced at home, you wrapped your legs around my waist and let me bend you over—"

Alfred slammed a hand over the Russian's mouth with an embarrassed look, "Okay, okay, no need to give details. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom."

Ivan pressed his lips into his ear and whispered quietly, "Or the kitchen or the living room or the bathroom or the tree house…"

Alfred turned bright red, blushing all the way up to the tips of his crimson ears. "Please tell me you didn't just hear all that," he said to Gilbert and Matthew.

"What? You two having sex all over the place? Nope, didn't hear a thing," Gilbert joked while Matthew shifted uncomfortably, "I'm never touching anything in our house again."

A week or so later, Gilbert ran up to Matthew with a proposition in mind. "Okay Birdie, so my parents are still out of town and mein bruder (my brother) will be with his cute Italian boy-toy. Therefore the awesome me is awesomely asking you to sleep over tonight so we can do some… awesome things," Gilbert loudly whispered in his ear.

"How can I say no to some many awesomes? I'll get changed out of my uniform and come on over," Matthew said with a smile.

"Look awesomely cute," he said with a wink.

Driving over to Gilbert's house, Matthew's fingers kept twitching with worry. He was nervous about tonight, but he didn't know why. Perhaps because they'd never been intimate when they were both sober? In any case, he arrived all too soon at Gilbert's house, breaking his train of panicked thoughts. Shaking slightly, Matthew swung a bag onto his shoulder and walked up to the front door.

Gilbert yanked open the door the moment Matthew's knuckles touched the door. His eyes took in every aspect of his cute little boyfriend's body. "Mmm, you know how I think you're sexy in violet button down shirts and skinny jeans," Gilbert murmured, fingering the snow white fabric of the pants. "Though I really can't wait to take it off you. Come on," he said, pulling Matthew through the door and up to his bedroom.

Gilbert shut the door behind them and immediately pulled Matthew into a soft kiss. They stayed like that for a while, content to just feel the friction between their mouths and their warmth of the other's body.

Suddenly, Gilbert bit down on Matthew's bottom lip making him gasp in surprise. He took advantage of the slightly open mouth by deftly slipping his tongue in. Gilbert explored every inch of the smaller blonde's warm mouth, feeling every ridge and smooth spot of skin, before allowing the Matthew to do the same.

Gilbert pushed Matthew back onto his bed and moved the point of his kissing attack to Matthew's neck, making him moan when he bit and sucked at his pounding pulse. Matthew rubbed his fingers along the snowy hair, twisting it around his fingers and squeezed his legs tightly around the albino. Gilbert kissed down his neck and chest, undoing all the buttons that stood between him and the delightfully soft skin of his smaller boyfriend.

Pounding hearts and roaming hands distracted them, and all their clothing expect for their boxers was quickly discarded. Gilbert slipped his fingers into the very top of the waistband on Matthew's boxers and pulled them down slightly, exposing a little bit more of the perfect, pale skin. Matthew pressed his hips into the other's body and grinding into him. "Please, more," he moaned, electricity popping between them.

The perfect moment was broken when the bedroom door opened with a cracking bang. "Gilbert! Why are Antonio and Francis telling your mother and I that you're dating a boy?" his father yelled throwing open the door. "Who is this?" he roared stomping into the room and picking Gilbert up by his hair.

"It's my boyfriend! Vater, vater (father, father), put me down!" His father pulled back a meaty fist and punched him in the face three times.

"What did I tell you about gays?" Gilbert averted his eyes and didn't answer, "What did I tell you about goddamn faggots?!" he bellowed.

"That they're unclean and an abomination," Gilbert whispered.

Matthew jumped up from the bed and made towards he and his father with the goal of helping him, only to be kicked into a wall. His father slammed Gilbert into the wall a few times before dropping him and kicking him multiple times in the back and the head.

Matthew scrambled up again when Ludwig burst in the door looking bruised with blood dripping from his mouth and a black eye forming. "Don't attempt to help him," Ludwig said, grabbing Matthew and his stuff and dragging him out of the room. Matthew kept hearing the thudding of blows hitting Gilbert's body making him flinch and struggle against the junior's tight grip.

"You can't help him," the younger German said thickly, spitting out a glob of blood. "Our father gets like this if we do something wrong. He just caught me with Feliciano, but he didn't see anything so I got off easy." Ludwig said, limping and handing Matthew his stuff, "Don't worry," he added, "I'll make sure Gilbert gets out okay."

"Just one question," Matthew said as he threw his clothes on, "are you going to say with Feliciano after this?"

Ludwig gave him a shockingly vulnerable and sad look; Matthew didn't know he could show emotion to that degree. "I want to; I'll try. I... care about Feliciano. But we're only juniors, I may not be able to put up with this treatment for so long."

"I lied, I've got another question," Matthew said hesitantly as he walked out the door, "Will Gilbert stay with me? Does he care about me enough?"

Ludwig started to look a little uncomfortable. "He cares about you deeply, but Gilbert has been putting up with getting thrown around for while, especially because of he 'looks like the devil.' He just wants to protect himself. But I wish you luck. Good-bye Matthew."

"Bye Ludwig, keep him safe." Ludwig gave a crisp nod to the blond and shut the door with a snap.

It was first period, the following Monday, and Matthew was rapidly tapping his fingers on the lab table at an annoying speed, waiting for Gilbert to come in the class. Alfred leaned over from the neighboring table he shared with Ivan and placed a kind hand over Matthew's hand to silence the jumping fingers.

Gilbert was still limping when he walked into science even after having the entire weekend to heal. "Gil!" Matthew exclaimed, running up and slipping his arms around the albino's torso making him stiffen. "I was so worried about you! How are you feeling?"

He tensed even more when Matthew gently touched the black eye, took Matthew by the shoulders and shoved him away. "Back off, faggot," he growled, shooting the smaller teen the middle finger.

"What did you call my brother?" Alfred snarled. He stood up with a rare anger in his eyes.

"Calm Sunflower, stuff like this happens all the time," Ivan said, restraining him, even though a dark glint was lurking in his own violet eyes.

Matthew scrambled back to his chair, his whole body quivering in pain . A quick kick to the leg of his chair dumped Matthew on the floor, "Fucking queen," Gilbert laughed cruelly. Matthew's shoulders started shaking even more. "Crybaby," he laughed.

"Fermes ta bouche, bâtard (shut up, bastard)!" Matthew screamed, a wild look in his eyes. "You told me something about feelings, do you remember what it is because I certainly do. 'I hate you?' No, that wasn't right… 'I care about you?' Well, probably but not the one I was thinking of… Oh yeah! You told me, 'I need-'"

"Doesn't matter what I said before!" Gilbert yelled back. "I hate-" Gilbert made a choking sound and his eyes started to tear up, "Gott dammit. I'm sorry. I can't hate you," he muttered walking to his seat. He slammed his head on the desk; a hollow sound reverberated through the silent classroom.

"Hey, Gilbert," Antonio whispered, poking the albino with a pencil tip. "Francis and I are sorry about having to tell your dad about Matthew, but it was the only way."

"Shut up, asshole," he growled.

"It's the forbidden amour (love)! We had to do this for your own good," Francis whined.

"I could have been happy if it wasn't for you two, and my father," Gilbert snarled, and a single tear pricked the corner of his eye.

"You are too far gone," Antonio and Francis murmured moving their things away. Gilbert was alone.

Later that week around midnight, Matthew heard a tapping on his window, almost like small rocks. He dragged himself out of bed and opened the window, and a pebble hit him in the head. "Birdie! Can the awesome me come up?" Gilbert called hesitantly from two floors down.

"Whatever," Matthew said, rolling his eyes and secretly hoping.

"Ow, fuck," Gilbert muttered, banging his head on the windowsill, as he fell into the room.

"What do you want?"

"I care about you so much. I need the awesome you," Gilbert murmured, "I thought if I pretending to hate you, I would; you know fake it 'till you make it. But I can't, I care about you too much." Matthew wrapped his arms around Gilbert's torso and buried his face into his neck. "But if anyone else finds out, my dad will hurt me again."

"So, we do this in secret?" the Canadian asked.

"Do you mind?" Matthew thought about that for a moment and tilted his head back and forth in a pensive manner. He brought their lips together in a soft kiss for a soft promise. Maybe it would be enough for now.

But it wasn't. A few short weeks later, Gilbert found himself under his own knife again. He stood in front of his sink staring at the ruby blood running down his arms spiraling down the drain. "Gil," Matthew murmured quietly, clad in only his boxers and one of Gilbert's shirts. "We need to talk about this." The Prussian kept staring as though he hadn't heard anything. "Gilbert, talk to me."

"I thought if I bleed enough, maybe all the gay would flow away. Or God will see my pain and my sacrifice and make me straight," he said in a hollow voice, still staring at his arms.

"So you are ashamed of me," Matthew bit back tears as he spoke.

Gilbert turned around to face Matthew, his blood making a plinking sound as it hit the floor. "I'm not ashamed of you, Birdie. I'm ashamed that I need you, that I love you." That was an accident, he didn't mean to say love. They stared at each other in stunned silence.

Matthew did not dare make any declarations of his own because he already knew that this relationship was all but over, regardless of how much he cared about Gilbert. Their relationship was built on secrets and shame, so it wouldn't last long. Matthew yearned for the relationship Alfred and Ivan had; one based on love and dedication, but also of rainbows and gumdrops.

End

This story is pretty much my baby in a lot of ways, I'm nearly constantly tweaking it or adding things to make it better, so if you're ever really bored and you actually enjoyed this story, check back, maybe something's different.

Also, would you believe this was supposed to be happy when I started writing? Gilbert and Matthew were going to end up sticking it to their friends and family and openly happy together instead of keeping it a secret. Oh well, I like how it turned out, even if it was sad…

Anyways, bye for now, HazelHibiscus