A/N Written in the morning hours after episode 03x05. Finished after a restless night.

This series saw so many unexpected moments between Carson/Hughes already and last night I thought that they would actually finally fall into each others arms. Though the circumstances were the worst. Still, for me this scene in Carson's pantry was not over after the cut.

Characters are not mine, they were created (and killed) by J. Fellowes and they belong to him, ITV, Masterpiece and whoever else is involved in all of this.

Moments of Sadness

He felt her hand on his wrist. Warm and comforting. Her fingers encirled it, soft yet reassuring. This was the moment when he could no longer control himself.

"I've known her since she was born." His voice cracked and sounded not like him anymore. His other hand found hers, covered it. His fingers grasped it, held it for a while, squeezed it. He needed someone to hold on to know. She was there, always at his side. Even now when he should rather been alone with his grief. And then there suddenly was something wet running down his cheeks followed by something warm and heavy resting on his shoulder.

He felt her sobs, how her body shook, how they both moved in unison. Sadness, an all-embracing sadness came over him. He still held her hand, now no longer holding on to him but almost letting go, unable to still find the strength to comfort him any longer.

He lifted it upwards to his lips, placed a gentle kiss on the back of it before her head moved and suddenly rested on his chest. The sobs muffled. He let go only to hold her shoulders, embrace her, and hold her close. Tonight it did not matter. They needed it. His cheek was pressed into her hair, his hands drew small soothing circles on her back. He had his eyes closed but the tears would not stop falling.

Outside people were softly whispering comforting words to each other. He could hear Mrs. Patmore taking care of Daisy, O'Brien talking to Alfred, Thomas blowing his nose, then footsteps on the stairs. Slow, ponderous, followed by small steps in front of his pantry on the corridor, he looked up for a moment, Anna.

"Are you alright?" her voice was small, barely a whisper, her eyes red from crying. With the back of her hand she wiped away the rest of the tears, not bothering that she stood in front of her superiors. Not tonight. There was no point in maintaining any hierarchy tonight.

"We are," he voiced and she nodded, understood, turned around and left with the others to find some sleep if this was possible at all.

They were alone now. He drew her even closer, felt how her shoulders relaxed, her sobbing stopped and her breathing became more even.

"There was nothing we could do." She said into the silence, her voice hoarse.

"No." He swallowed hard, tried to stop his tears now.

"It is the worst thing." She moved in his embrace, looked up to him with sad eyes. For a moment he held her gaze, for the first time that night. There was more in her eyes than just the grief for Lady Sybil. A realization. An understanding. She had been through this, the fear of dying, of leaving everyone behind. Yet she moved on, strong, determined, realizing that life was short, too short sometimes.

He had to be honest: He had feared for her life, thought he would lose her and this would have been the worst thing for him. But she was still there right in front of him. Tonight of all nights. He blinked away the last tears, took a deep breath, lowered his head and placed the softest of kisses on her forehead.

"Life it too short." He whispered.

"I know." She did not look away, accepted this intimacy as if they had always shared it. He felt how her hands tried to find a firm hold on his hips and then her face was closer to his than before. He could feel her breath on his lips. With closed eyes and a fast beating heart he accepted what she had to give him. This was what he had wanted to do when he heard the good news, weeks ago, instead he kept everything to himself. Like always.

It felt like an eternity. Warm, soft, sweet, soothing. But more important: it felt like the right thing to do. When she pulled away from the kiss he saw the smile on her face, a stark contrast to what was happening around them, upstairs.

"I wanted to let you know. We are on the same side." She removed her hands, turned around slowly, step by step. Moved towards the door, her back towards him. Before she left the room she looked once more over her shoulder. "You stole my heart away." A whisper.

He let her go. But not for forever. His life would start again tomorrow, a new one and one were he would never again let chances slip away from him ever again.

THE END