Tainted

He couldn't get up. He barely had the strength to stand. Tears on his face, he could see himself on the closet mirror.

Weak.

Fragile.

His skin looked paler than before, wrinkled from the bouts and the fears.

I did it... I was the one who hurt them. I did it. It was all my fault...

He didn't know how he got to the floor.

Everything was chipper the past few days, but why did he have to feel so depressed right now? Everyone forgave him when he was the Digimon Emperor. They said it wasn't his fault and the Dark Spore possessed him, though no matter how much reassurance he was given, he couldn't get those feelings away from his mind.

The Digimon in the Digital World either trembled or glared daggers at him when he came to visit.

"You've got to stop doing this to yourself, Ken," Wormmon said. "You're a better person now. You can't do anything about the past, but you can move on and do something about your future. And I was always there, even when you were at your lowest."

As his Digimon partner, Ken knew that Wormmon was only trying to help, and he was grateful for that, but it still didn't fill the hollowness that ached in his heart.

Was it the time when he was the Digimon Emperor? His cruelty while he governed with a tyrannical reign? Perhaps, but what else was causing him to feel all this?

"Ken?"

It was Yolei. He recognized her voice the instant she came into the room. Her lavender hair hung loose over her shoulders.

"Oh, my god, Ken, are you alright?" she rushed to his side, kneeling down to the ground.

He could hear himself sobbing, feeling her arms wrapping him in an embrace. He could smell the citrus flowery perfume she wore as he felt his face on her sweater. He could act like a five year old in front of her, and she still would be at his side at the end of the day.

"What happened, tell me..." she began. "What's wrong?"

"I... I miss him," Ken said through shallow breaths. "I miss Sam so much...!"

"When I was little, I said... I said to him... that I wanted him gone. And then my parents told me he was in an accident. I remember the doctor talking to my dad about pulling him off life support. It's like I killed him myself..."

He continued to sob, feeling Yolei's hand against his back, cooing reassurances and trying to soothe him.

He was angry at Sam.

Why did he have to be the one who was so gifted and smart? He had everything, and he took the only thing that belonged to Ken when they were boys: his Digivice. He was the miracle child and everybody loved him. While all the lime light came his way, it was as if Ken was invisible and nobody saw him at all. Ken was envious of all the attention that Sam got, but he'd never want him gone. Why did he have to go? He could never hate Sam. He was his brother, his family!

He was angry at himself.

For wishing that Sam could just go away, and the thought itself took him from this world. He felt so vulnerable for letting the Dark Spore manipulate him and hurt all those Digimon. If he said something different, if he was smarter, stronger... would that bring him back to them?

His parents were complete zombies after Sam's service. Ken tried everything to make them get out of the trance they were in. Then one day, he had an idea. He would become Sam. To excel in school and be a super genius like he was to make his parents proud. At that moment... he gave up on himself completely. All the attention and praise he received seemed good at the time. His parents even got better, but inside he hated himself. Everyday felt like a scorching walk through the Digital desert, but deep down he knew he deserve the pain.

He just wanted his brother back.

Yolei began to speak.

"Me and my sisters and brother argue all the time," she said. "We fight over the stupidest things, like who gets to have the last cookie, who's turn it is to take out the trash... but I know they all love me and are willing to go to the ends of the Earth for me if I was in trouble, and I'd do the same for all of them. I don't think... Sam hates you, Ken. If he was looking down on you right this minute, I think he'd be very proud of you."

Yolei then turned Ken's head to look at him.

"And I'm proud of you," said Yolei. "You came so far from being the Digimon Emperor to the person you are now. You've been so strong and made it through so much. Things may have been bad years ago, but there are more days to come. You can make them happy. And I'll always be here."

Yolei was blunt and intimidating, but she always knew what to say. Beneath all the attitude, her heart was in the right place. That was why Ken loved her much.

He reached for a hungry kiss, feeling her beneath his skin. The way she pressed against his lips blew him away every time. She understood him better than anyone else. There were parts of himself that repulsed him. When he was with Yolei, everything was right.

She purified his tainted heart.