(Greetings, old friends. Yes, it has been a long time. My motivation to do... anything, really, was sapped for a while. But worry not, this fic has given me plenty more to tear into so, I might as well finish what I started. Marissa, I will take you down if it's the last thing I ever do.)

WARNIN THIS CHAPT an the next one DEELS WITH SERIOS ISSUES (This is giving me intense 'My Immortal' flashbacks.) THAT NEEED TO BE ADDURSED BOUT SEX TRAFFIKIN (And clearly you, the voice of a generation, must be the one to address it.) AN BRONYS (Oh boy, we're going for the lowest hanging fruit now, are we?) IS THERE A CONNECTION I THINK MAYBE BECOS I SEED LOTS OF GROSE STUF AT THEM ON THE TOPPLE (All this and more on: Jessie Ventura, Conspiracy Theory.)

HARRY POTTER AN THE KILL OF SNAPE

CHAPTER FLIVE: THE FIRST INCONTER (Inginiir says hi.)

I takaed the strange not (Did your spelling get WORSE while I was away?) an read it to say "If u lick what u see com to the behine the school for sum pony fun! ;P" (Christ, no standards.) it was verry strange. So I pot in in my pucket for later. (I read that as 'bucket' the first time. Christ this fic is already wearing on my nerves…) Next I went back to Jenny in the cafeter. I hope shes okay sins I codant find an7y British food for her ungrated tummy. (This sounds like a bad game mechanic, actually.)

"Jenny are u okay?" I said into the cafeteria (Just said it to the whole cafeteria in general huh?) were Jenny was eatin some crumpets. "Huh howd it." (Outright awful.)

"Ohh hey Harry uh Wheatly (Subtle as an explosion in a church.) my noo frend Solder found some brit food for me. (Somehow.) That helmut guy from befor was standin next to her holdin sum more crumpits. (Because the Soldier, the most American man in the TF2 cast, would obviously have crumpets on hand.) He made a nasty smie at me an I angry faced.

The Bertha (As opposed to any OTHER Bertha.) came out from the bathroom were she had bulimaed to stay hot (AN: BLUMIA IS A SUPER BAD THIN DONT DO IT) (That's right kids, just kill random onlookers and laugh at people's misfortune, like true heroes!) I noo that becos I used magic to find out lick a detective power but magic. (Without using a wand or casting a spell. Plus you did magic so, Snape has detected you and it's mission failed. GG.) "What are u lossers doin here?" She splamted as the "Alfalfa (You are taking the piss.) b*****" of Portal High School.

Solder standed up an said (When did he ever sit down?) "Bertha thats not nice cant u see yur in the presents of a beauyful hot an pretty women?" (More than one huh? Get your pretenses straight, Marissa.) .He pointed to Jenny who bloodshed (Well no surprised there considering she may as well be a barbarian in this fic.) an I got more mad. "Common Jenny we gotta get to class any way." (You know this, how?)

Caroline waped to us saying "Are next class is math the old teech got a nasty prostate condition (I look forward to this being fetishized. We all know this author would do it with her shit fetish.) an had to abandon his career so now we gotta new teacher from British." (The town of British, located in the state of European.) Jenny an me o-mouthed (I DIDN'T MISS THIS.) it must be Snape.

"Is his name Mr. Snape?" I asked to Carolne.

"No lol hes names Mr. Sanpe." (Ok now I KNOW you're referencing 'My Immortal.') She kicked open the class dore into math class. Jenny gaped an covered her mouth becos it was… SNAPE AS THE TEACHER! (Yeah no shit, you even knew it was, why are you surprised?)

"So these are the new studs?" (That sentence disgusts me on an unintentional level… oh lets face it, with this author, it probably WAS intentional.) Mr. Sanpe grumpled with him thinking. "Wate a min. You look familiar." He stared at me but I was Wheatly now so he didant get it but Jenny looked like Jenny still. (Yeah so really, you turning into Wheatley meant nothing seeing as she still looks the same. Good job.) "Oh well I have to task teach but Ill keep an eye on you." He sat back at the desk for drinking a beer. (…yeah, Snape drinking beer everybody. Doesn't that just ring true to his character?)

I sat down nexta Jenny Solder was also sittin next to her (Must be uncomfortable sitting next to a soldering iron.) makin a sneermile (LIKE AN SMILE THAT'S ALSO ROOD) (Never fear readers, Marissa will always spoon feed you her writing because you're all dumb to her.) at me so I gave of him da finger (Wow, actually fitting in with American students here.) an he stopped. Snape didant even try to teach us. He just dranked beer an said "DO YUR ASSMENTS or Ill fail you." An he burped a belch. (How has he not been fired yet? This is especially a massive disservice considering how strict Snape is in canon.)

I just sat fulminating at anger. (What'd anger ever do to you?) Snape was rite there an I cold just kill him now but I rembered how Gobo Frabble said only Jenny wood make the final blow. (So, just get him now with a double attack?) So in stead I just did the math assigns till the bell branged. "Get out I have techer "grading" to do but u can stay Bertha winkwink!22" (Yeah, saying 'wink wink' like that is totally normal.)I o-mouthed (I REGRET MY LIFE.) at the reveel of Bertha bein in affair with Snape so I was even more hated her. (So, shall we start taking bets on how badly Bertha's going to end up dying in this fic?)

Bertha bloshed an said "all rite Mr. Sanpe…" (Yeah, the alpha bitch blushes. I buy that.) Then she saw me Jennyu an Carrotline still in there "GET LOOSE LOSSERS CANT U SEEM IM BISSY?" I made some thro up in my mouth an so did Jenny Caroline an we leaved out. (Just worth mentioning for the mental image.)

Suddently summon ran up to Carolslime with angry. (Quit dragging Angry with you everywhere, he's been ill.) "CAROLINE!11!22" She was very mad soundin. Carolin got scarred on her face an went wite. "OMG guys its my dad Busissness Lady (…so apparently even gender pronouns are no longer in the author's understanding.) (AN: SORRY I WAS RONG BISNESS MAN IS ACTUALLYA BISNESS LADY SO PRETEN IT WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT). (No, how about you go fix the mistake yourself and maybe then we'll forgive you? Well, I won't.)

"Caroltine I saw yur myspace (AN: THATS FASEBOOK FROM THE PAST BEFOUR FACEBOOK WAS INVENTED) (A spoonful of blatant explanation makes the crap fic go down.) an you were doin naked flashes on it! I didant rase u for that."

"IT WAS ONLY FOR GAVE NOT THE HOLE WERLD!22!" (Then why did you upload them onto your Myspace?) Caroine boombed back to her. Bissness Lady wasant moved tho. "You are GRONDED (Why is her dad even in the school?) an have to cleen owt your moms neck hole wen it gets all mucosy form now on!" (Pleasant.) Caroline frond an cried some.

"Sorry guys I cant finiss the tore for you I gotta go clean The Hole." And Caroline an Bissness Lady leaved. Leavin us alone. (Good, maybe now we can make some progress in this fic.)

MEANWHILE (Nevermind…) SOME WHERE ELSE (IT'S A SEEKRIT STORY TWIUST SO U CANT NO YET) (Yum yum, spoonful of blatancy.)

"Im scare this is a more serios mission than I ever doned befour." (I've made too many befive jokes at this point.) Skepness Man said to the Lettuce twins becos he was nervos.

"Relax down Skepness Man" (So much fail in just two words.) siad Rosaind Lettuce who was allokay now but with a hed bandage. "To be are apprentise yull have to don much more diffulct misshuns."

"Yay" agreeted Roberts. "Lick the time we had to kill JFK."

"OMGWTUF?!~!/!" (The slash and tilde are miles away from the exclamation mark you internet scum.) Skepness Man o-mouthed (I REGRET MY SOUL.) with OMGing.

"Turns out he was actuallay GLaDOS is disguys (Of course he was, GLaDOS is just everyone in this universe, isn't she? I bet she's actually Snape too.) gone back in tim to stop Marrissa Roberts form bein born." (By being JFK… somehow.) Roslalind said with explantion. Skepness Man nodded with head like a brave guy so they went. (You have to be brave to survive this fic.)

Theyu went to a bandoned farm just ottside of Portal High School with a tatto man gardin it. He had both fat an mussel. (So, he's the Heavy? I wouldn't be surprised.) "Cheery-o pip ip!" Greeted Rosaland in British, (This fic makes me culturally ashamed sometimes.) "it is are sons Birthday" she ponted to Skepness Man now in char as his undercover assign an not scared! (And I guess having also gone down a few inches in height to fit the disguise.)"So we are gettin him a spesal present."

Fat an Mussel guy smiled pervy an said "Well common in my little brony" (Oh, we're back to this…) an Robot pot his hand on the Skepness Man sholder for encourage. "Go pike out a virile one son." (I have nothing on this one. Just try and figure it out for yourselves.) So he went inside the inside of the bildin and the Lettuces leaved.

The horrer was all most toooooo muich for Skepness inside the place. Minature ponys were all chained up spray panted colors of MLP an neckbeard bronys were rapin them an had fedoras!11! (…ok, this is coming from someone who despises MLP and actively dislikes the bronies, but this is just unclassy even for them. Just keep hitting those low hanging targets, Marissa.) Skepness Man wanted to fite rite then an ther. But he new it wasant time yet. He had a MISSHUN FROM GOD (AN: LOL THATS A MOVIE QWOTE BUT IN REALITY ITS ACTUALLY REGULAR MISSHUN FROM THE LETTUCE)!~ (Keep those spoon fulls coming, Marissa, I'll always be there to flick them back in your face.)

(Maybe being busy with work wasn't such a bad thing… my head aches. But I'll be here to soldier on from his point forward. Updates will be regular once again.)