Title: The Seven Stages of Rodney's Coming Out Process
Author: Kitchyy
Rating: PG-NC-17. This Chapter: PG
Pairings: Eventual Sheppard/McKay
Warnings/Spoilers: Upto the End of Season 3, just to be safe

Summary: Rodney finds something out about his closest friend that changes him in ways he can't quantify.

Disclaimer: So not mine. Never will be.

This story honestly bit me in the ass out of nowhere. I never really planned on writing for SGA but Rodney had other plans. I had to drop all my other projects because Rodney was so insistent, and lets face it, when that man puts his mind to something nothing stands in his way for long. So, I bring you my first chapter story! Please, I'm looking for honest feedback, so if you like something, tell me, if you don't like something, tell me that too. If your concerned about posting it in the comments, then PM me. I don't mind.

Oh yeah, no beta, so all mistakes are mine, all mine.

Stage One: Shock

Rodney smiles as John opens the door to his quarters. "Hey, colonel, I know it's early- well, not early in the way you're used to, considering that you're usually up before it's even light out but..." He holds up the DVD he managed to get away from Radek. It's Run Lola Run, and yeah, it might have been filmed in German, dubbed in Czech and have English subtitles, but it's still the movie he and John have tried to get their hands on for months.

Rodney's eyes drop to look at the DVD and something catches his eye. He glances over at the mat near John's door, where not one, but two pair of military issued boots are lined up comfortably, side by side. Usually there would be nothing special about that, surely Sheppard has more than one pair? But it's the size of them, one size larger, and very, very male.

"That's great Rodney, do you have some time tonight to watch it?" John asks. He's smiling just like normal, but it's tight and doesn't sit on his face the way it's supposed to. John's also keeping the door closed as much as possible. He doesn't want to let Rodney in his quarters, and he's a little wierded out by this new and strange version of Sheppard.

"I think I might be able to... Get the time off." He starts to think about Sheppard, about him sleeping in late and the weird smile he hasn't relinquished yet. He thinks it has to do with the boots at the door and that he looks like he just crawled out of bed, and the fact that it's 7 am.

The thing that clenches it for him is along his collarbone, just under the line of his military issued tank, is the edge of a small love bite.

Rodney swallows loudly. He's a physicist, he's good at odds. There are very few reasons all these things can be lined up perfectly like this, and as the whole uncomfortable situation sinks in, Rodney loses all speech for a few seconds.

John has spent the night with another man.

Rodney honestly didn't mean to snoop. He didn't mean to invade John's privacy or anything like that. He was trying to be nice for once.

Damn, did that ever fall apart fast.

"I'll just, um- come back later. So we can, you know, watch that movie." The DVD in question dangles limply from his hand.

"Rodney, wait-"

Rodney doesn't wait. He practically runs from John's worried, guilty face. It's the face of a man who is busted and knows it.

And that just makes it that much worse.

John has spent the night with a man. It runs through Rodney's head like some kind of fucked up mantra, and it's always followed up by something different. It shifts between that's cool, I'm cool with that and how could I not have known?, and what about all the girls he was supposedly with?

Radek sighs really loudly and gives him a look, not for the first time that day.

"What?" Rodney snaps, because he really isn't in the mood.

"Will you be moping all day? I only wish to know because if yes, I will have to check over all the things you've been working on today. Which is frighteningly little."

It's true, he hasn't gotten that much done. He doesn't need anyone to rub that in. "I highly doubt my work needs checking over, thank you." He snips.

Radek huffs and points at the whiteboard he's been working on. "I highly doubt that. These co-coefficients need to be reversed, you used the wrong root number here and what else? Oh yes the-"

"It's a work in progress!" Rodney yells. Radek rolls his eyes and suddenly Rodney can't take his heaving sighs or his stupid face one more minute. "I'm going for a walk. Don't follow me." He stalks out of the lab. If it had a proper earth door he would have slammed it.

John has spent the night with a man. And Rodney doesn't know how to quantify that. Isn't sure how that fits in with the construct of who John is inside his head. He wonders momentarily who would interest him, if he is tall or short, blonde or dark. If he likes the top or-

Rodneys face gets uncomfortably hot and he decides to change the topic to something much, much safer. Like coffee or food or the power management system he's supposed to be working on instead of thinking about this.

It doesn't work. All he can do is think about Sheppard, his best (not-straight) friend. The friend he's supposed to be watching the movie with tonight. What if all these thoughts happen when he's watching the movie with John? What if - oh God - What if he starts talking and says something really stupid? He's done it before. He's never all that good with the things he should say versus the things he shouldn't. Now he's worried he'll say something that will wreck their friendship, and that's something he isn't willing to risk.

Rodney has a moment of utter panic. He needs to call the evening off. He can't do this. Not until he knows how to make this fit inside his head.

Numbers are always easier than people. Why can't John just be a number? It would be a hell of a lot easier than dealing with this mess.

His hand is half way to his headset and then thinks he might have been a bit hasty with his decision. If he cancels John might think Rodney doesn't approve, or doesn't want to be around his friend and that's just... Ridiculous. Rodney doesn't care who he's sleeping with. Well, he does, just for totally different reasons than John would think.

Ok, he's faced down air force general's, destroyed a solar system, gone through alien withdrawal and survived the wraith. If he can do all those things, then he can handle one night with Sheppard in a new light watching a movie.

"Hey," Rodney says as he slips through John's door. He doesn't mean to, but his eyes slide to the mat he accidentally looked at last time he was here. The boots are gone, the place is tidy and John is standing by the door. He looks tense, and Rodney feels that tension over his shoulders, in his legs and crawling around inside his chest.

"Hey," John replies, as laid back as always. "So, you brought the movie?"

Rodney snorts and holds it up like last time, as if nothing happened. Nothing really did happen, now that he thinks of it. So why the hell does everything feel so different? "Of course I did. It would be a little pointless if I didn't, considering we're supposed to be watching it."

John nods and takes a seat on his couch while Rodney fiddles with the computer. He remembers making this setup for John less than a month ago, because the one he used was horrible, and Rodney had told him so, loudly and at length the last time they had tried to watch a movie. For some reason that feels like a long time ago and he doesn't completely understand why.

He doesn't understand how this one thing can change so much.

John folds his arms against his chest. "Will you quit messing around with the system and just press play already?"

"Well excuse me for wanting to actually enjoy the movie!" Rodney snaps.

"The laptop screen hasn't changed since last time, Rodney."

Rodney stops fiddling and looks at him properly for the first time since he came in. "I had a crappy day, I want to be able to enjoy watching this instead of straining muscles that would be better utilized in accomplishing something that the city could find useful."

"Useful as in... sitting hunched over the laptop in your office for thirteen hours?" John teases.

Rodney smiles "Exactly. You know me so well."

Things are starting to feel like they never changed. He takes this feeling of normalcy, wraps it around that confused place inside his head, sits on the couch and presses play.

Five minutes into the movie and Rodney is thinking about what John sees, if he considers the main character beautiful or if he's even attracted to her in the least. Has he ever been attracted to women and if it really is a choice like all those anti-gay fanatics say, or if it's just something hard-wired into a persons' system.

At fifteen minutes he sneaks a look at John. He seems interested. Rodney can see why, the movie is good, and his brain starts to wind down a little.

John stretches and his foot comes into contact with Rodney's. He doesn't mean to, but he jumps. His face immediately heats up. "Sorry, um, sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"What is with you, McKay?" John asks, and it would sound completely normal except it sounds exactly like the voice he uses on a mission: alert, waiting for the big bad monster to rear its ugly head around the next corner.

Rodney's never been all that good at keeping things like this inside. "Ok, if I don't get this out then I'm going to explode."

"And exploding would be ... Bad?" John asks.

"What? Exploding is always bad." He counters. "Except for right now." he amends. He takes a deep breath. There's no time like the present. "I'm sorry. Not about the feet. About this morning."

And there it is, laid out so John can either take it or leave it.

John's face shutters closed. "I don't know what you're talking about." And he's smiling again, the one that sits on his face all wrong and Rodney has an urge to smack that smile right off his face.

"I'm not some military goon. So you spent the night with another guy. So what? I don't care." And God, does it ever feel good to get that out.

Rodney immediately knows it was the wrong thing to say. John gets up off the couch. Rodney scrambles to pause the movie. "Rodney, let me be very, very clear here, whatever you thought you saw, that wasn't it."

"Really." Rodney says drily.

John raises his eyebrows and tries to look sincere. "Yes, really."

"So... You were what, playing checkers all night?" Rodney asks with an arched brow. He holds up his hand to what would most assuredly be John's witty reply. "Look, I'm not your commanding officer. I'm your friend, which means I don't care who you sleep with."

Johns hands clench the back of the couch until his knuckles are white. "Can we just... I don't know, not talk about this?"

Rodney is honestly surprised at John's reaction. He thought he was doing right by his friend by doing that whole showing support thing. Isn't that what friends are supposed to do? Be supportive towards their friends and their lifestyles and their choices?

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Rodney asks uncertainly.

Relief and something Rodney can't quite read flashes over John's face. "Yes." he says with feeling.

"OK. I can do that."

John sits again and Rodney presses play. About thirty seconds pass. "I didn't think you'd be able to put it together. I mean, I thought I covered all the bases." John says quietly.

Rodney doesn't know if he should feel insulted or flattered that he was able to figure it out. He chooses the latter. "Smartest man alive, remember?"

John nods. His face is still shuttered. "Do me a favor and-"

"Don't tell?" Rodney asks. "Don't worry, I know your rules. Even if I don't agree with them." He's very glad he's Canadian. His country is one of the few that has legalized gay marriage, and it's never been a punishable offence in the military, or at least not since '92. The worst thing that could happen before that was dismissal from military service. If John is found out it could be much worse. Rodney's heard of Leavenworth, and he has a feeling a good chunk of those men and women might be like John is, only not so lucky, not so careful.

"Yeah. I thought you'd say something like that." He says, quietly, with the look of a man who has accepted his lot in life.

That just pisses Rodney off. "Ridiculous rules, if you ask me."

"No one's asking you!"

There's a crashing noise on the computer screen. It's a little distracting and Rodney hits the pause button again and gets up. "I need a beer for this. Where's your stash?"

John points to the beer fridge hidden behind a bookshelf. Ah, the good stuff. He hauls out two of the good ones and hands one to John, pops the cap on his bottle and drinks more than he should in one gulp. It makes him cough.

He has no idea where to take this conversation now. He sits back on the couch and fiddles with the label on his beer. "So... Have you always been...?"

John rolls his eyes. "I had a wife, remember?"

Rodney stops picking at his beer bottle and gives him a look. "And I clearly remember you telling me you're divorced. So, that statement of yours? Yeah, it doesn't exactly answer my question."

The silence feels pregnant, and after a few pointed seconds John says, "we were highschool sweethearts. We were supposed to get married. I loved flying. Liking... guys... wasn't part of the equation." He says the word guys like it's a dirty word, like moist. Rodney always hated the word moist. It reminds him of mold and dirty sponges teeming with bacteria and poisonous mushrooms growing under wet, dark things.

"So... What happened?" Rodney asks.

John shrugs, looking at his beer bottle like it might hold the answer to the universe. At least he isn't giving Rodney that stupid fake smile any more. "I realized that some things you can fake, and some things you can't. You can't fake being happy, Rodney. No matter how hard you try. Someone's always gonna find out. For me, that someone was Nancy."

"She found out?" Rodney asks. He tries to imagine how it would feel to be married, and then have that person find out he's not attracted to them. He concludes that it can't end well.

"No, but it just never worked. Eventually I had to break it off. She knew there was something off about me, I think. Although I don't think she knows about this." John takes a long pull from his beer.

"This meaning... You and guys."

"Me and guys." John confirms.

The only sound in the room is the crashing of distant waves through the open window. Rodney feels like he's stuck in an ocean right now, tossed and turned and unable to figure out which way is up. He has no idea what to say to make John feel better.

"Well... At least you figured out what makes you happy now, right?"

He thinks this time he's said the right thing. John nods, and although he isn't smiling, somehow he seems happier. "Maybe. I'm still figuring that part out. But... Maybe, yeah." John is silent for a few more seconds, and then,"military goon?" John asks with a sideways look.

Rodney smirks. "Show me a military man who isn't. Present company excluded, of course."

John chuckles, and something tight and worried un-coils inside Rodney. "I'll take that as a compliment. I think."

They change the subject after that, and conversation flows just like it always has. They forget to watch the rest of the movie, but that's ok, because when Rodney heads back to his quarters, he feels like he and John are friends again, and maybe even closer than where they were twenty-nine hours ago.

~TBC~