Title: SmartCom

Author: Obi the Kid

Summary: A Yappy Obi fic. Obi-Wan and the newest technology collide.

Rating: PG

Obi: Master, I want to get a SmartCom.

Qui: A what?

Obi: A SmartCom. It's a new type of comlink made by that company Crapple. Everyone has one now.

Qui: I don't suppose that's true, but tell me about it.

Obi: Well, a SmartCom can tell you exactly where you are at any given time of the day.

Qui: Obi-Wan, if you don't know where you are at any given time of the day, you have issues that a comlink cannot help.

Obi: That's not what I mean, Master. I mean, if I wanted to get from my quarters to the dining hall, all I would need to do is plug in the address for each place and then let it direct my path.

Qui: There are no addresses within the walls of the Temple.

Obi: I know thaaaaat! It's an example, Master, jeez!

Qui: And if you can't find your way from quarters to the dining hall by now…

Obi: I know how to get there. I'm not an idiot.

Qui: Jury is still out on that one. But if you're not an idiot, why do you need directions from a comlink?

Obi: I just told you it was an example, don't you listen?

Qui: Smart talk me one more time and you'll be listening with a mouth full of swamp water.

Obi: That's cruel.

Qui: I know. So where do you get these SmartCom's from? The communications tower?

Obi: Well, no. You have to buy them at a store in the lower levels of the city.

Qui: You have to buy them?

Obi: Nothing is free anymore, Master.

Qui: Standard comlinks are and mine works just fine. As does yours. So, no.

Obi: Master, please! I promise I won't ask you for hugs anymore.

Qui: Lies, Padawan?

Obi: Yes, but at least I admit to it. That should get me a reward, right?

Qui: Your logic is more backwards than Yoda's.

Obi: Ouch! Okay, I will ask you for hugs, but only three times a day, not ten like now.

Qui: No.

Obi: I will stop talking?

Qui: Won't happen.

Obi: True. Um…I won't eat sugar for dinner anymore?

Qui: You're addicted.

Obi: I am. How about, I won't scream bloody murder when you and Master Bren do all that nasty adult mush stuff?

Qui: How about promise me something that you can actually accomplish?

Obi: That's hard.

Qui: Then no SmartCom for you.

(The next day)

Qui: Obi-Wan, what are you doing?

Obi: Talking to my comlink.

Qui: Are you expecting a reply? They don't talk back to you.

Obi: This one does. And it got me safely to from my bedroom to the dining hall without getting lost in one single hallway or running into any walls.

Qui: It's a straight shot from our quarters to the dining hall. You should be worried if you can't navigate one hallway without com assistance. You bought one of those things, didn't you? After I told you no?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: Why?

Obi: Master, I don't listen. You should know that by now.

Qui: So you went into the lower levels of the city by yourself? You know that's dangerous.

Obi: No, I didn't. I gave someone the money and they got me one. Look, see? It's blue!

Qui: I don't care if it's swamp troll green…

Obi: Ew?

Qui: Wait…blue. Blue? Bren did this, didn't she?

Obi: Um…uh…lalalalala?

Qui: That, of course, means yes.

Obi: You didn't hear that from me.

Qui: I will talk with her after I finish with you.

Obi: Master, come on. Just enjoy it. Look, it has this talking feature. Some chick named Liri. You ask her questions and she tells you stuff. I can ask her where I can buy pala cream cakes. Liri, pala cream cakes.

Liri: I found 600 locations for pala cream cakes in your area.

Obi: Damn! That's a lot of cream cakes. I knew those things were addictive, but wow! Liri, Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

Liri: I found two locations for Why John Wins.

Obi: No, Qui-Gon Jinn.

Liri: I found eight locations for No Why John Wins.

Obi: No, you don't understand.

Liri: I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Obi: Yes, I just told you that.

Liri: I cannot understand 'I just told you that.'

Obi: No…oh, nevermind. How about, Liri, Dex's Diner.

Liri: I found three thousand entries for Des Dina.

Qui: Des Dina? The actress?

Obi: There are three thousand of her?

Qui: If there was one woman who I wouldn't mind three thousand of, it's her.

Obi: What?

Qui: Oh, ah, nothing.

Obi: Master, you're blushing. I'm gonna tell Master Bren. You've got the hots for Des Dina. You want to slobber on her face and have adult mush with her.

Qui: Would you be quiet! I do not want to do those things with her. Well…

Obi: Hello? I'm right here, remember? Young ears? Should be subjected to that type of thinking?

Qui: What type of…oh, never mind. Ah oh, back to your com thingy, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Let's try that again. Liri, D E X' R.

Liri: I found one location for Dex's Diner. Would you like directions, Obi-Wan?

Qui: It knows your name?

Obi: She's smart.

Qui: She?

Obi: It's a female voice, so, yes she.

Qui: Well, do you want directions?

Obi: If I get them, can we go there for dinner? I love Dex.

Qui: If that thing gives you correct directions, yes. I will take you to Dex's tonight.

Obi: Okay. Liri, yes.

Liri: I found one spelling for the word 'yes'.

Obi: Ah, no. I want directions to Dex's Diner.

Liri: I found three thousand entries for Des Dina.

Qui: Nice!

Obi: Not Des Dina, DEX'S DINER. You just found it for me a minute ago!

Liri: I found three thousand entries for Des Dina.

Qui: Is it hot in here?

Obi: Master, please. Get a room. Liri, DEX'S DINER.

Qui: Yeah. I found three thousand entries for Des Dina.

Obi: Not helping, Master. Liri, D E X' R. Find it, damn it!

Liri: I found one hundred entries for the holo vid, 'Find it, Damn It."

Qui: Obi-Wan, I thought I told you that you were not allowed to see that vid.

Obi: I didn't.

Qui: Then how are you quoting it?

Obi: I'm not. I'm swearing.

Qui: Soap or swamp water? Liri?

Liri: I found ten entries for soap or swump wata.

Obi: What is swump wata?

Qui: It's your toy, you figure it out.

Obi: I can't. Liri seems to be sort of an idiot.

Qui: Then you two should get along brilliantly.

Obi: Ha ha. Can we still go to Dex's?

Qui: Yes, but only if you do not talk to that thing while we're there.

(Three hours later on the way to Dex's Diner)

Obi: Ow! Master, watch where you're going.

Qui: I've been walking a straight path with my head up and eyes alert. You on the other hand have been playing with that foolish comlink since we left quarters and you've not once looked up to see where you are going. You run into my backside once more and I will lay you out.

Obi: You get violent when you get angry.

Qui: I'm not angry. Please watch where you're going.

Obi: Okay, okay. Hey, look at everyone else; they're not watching where they walk either.

Qui: No, they all have their heads buried on one of those smart thingies. It's why they're all running into each other and almost getting run over by hover bikes in the street. See, Padawan? This new fad you found is dangerous.

Obi: Yeah, but it's really cool, Master. I can type in a city on any planet and then zoom in. Here, see this? This is the hovel on Tatootine where you'll find that Sith Kid in twelve years, slobber on his mom and then ditch me for him when we get home. Then you die, I train him, he goes nutzo and eventually kills me in a girlie fight. I know I've told you this story before, Master. This tiny little hovel is where it all begins. The Death of Obi-Wan Kenobi. What a sad tale.

Qui: Yes, horribly dramatic. Please watch where you're going. I don't want you to end up flattened on the street because you and your com friend Liri are fighting about the number of steps it takes to travel from Hoth to Coruscant.

Obi: I should ask…

Qui: NO! Look, Dex's place. Go get a hug from him and then find a seat.

Obi: Mush! YES! DEX, HI! IT'S ME! OBI-WAN KENOBI!

(The next morning)

Bren: Howdy, boys. What's shakin'?

Obi: Master Bren! I need to tell you something.

Qui: Freeze, motor mouth.

Bren: Ah, I see that all is normal here. I hear you two went to Dex's last night without me.

Obi: His fault. He was thinking about another woman. Three thousand of her.

Qui: Obi-Wan!

Bren: Way to go, Stretch. Let me guess, Des Dina?

Qui: How did you…

Bren: I am all powerful, Qui-Gon. Just accept it.

Obi: She's a woman, Master. You know it be true.

Bren: Nice, kid. Thanks. How are you and Liri hitting it off?

Obi: Well, she doesn't quite get me.

Qui: Who does?

Obi: I speak clearly to her, but she comes up with wrong answers a lot.

Bren: Try it.

Obi: Okay. Liri, Dex's Diner.

Liri: I found three thousand entries for Des Dina.

Obi: See? Oh and watch Master Qui-Gon's face get all red.

Qui: My face is not red.

Bren: Lit up like a tomato. Here, kid. Let me try. Liri, Dex's Diner.

Liri: I found one location for Dex's Diner.

Obi: How'd you do that?

Bren: Us women folk understand each other.

Obi: I knew it! Liri is trying to drive me insane because I'm not a woman.

Qui: No, you cannot become a woman, so don't even ask.

Obi: Master! Master Bren, how can I get a man's voice on this thing?

Bren: Sorry, kid. No can do. You either have to figure out how to get along with Liri or give up the SmartCom and go back to your old reliable comlink.

Obi: Well, I'm not ready to give her up just yet. I'm a smart kid, I can figure this out. I like women.

Qui: You should probably rephrase that.

Obi: I like ladies?

Qui: Ah, no.

Obi: I get along with ladies?

Qui: Better.

Obi: Yes, I get along with ladies, so it might just take some time with Liri. I can think like a woman.

Qui: Please don't talk like that, Obi-Wan. You have so many other problems and I'd prefer not to add that one to the list. Besides, your Shrink left the planet last month, remember? He can't see you anymore.

Obi: Good ole, Nev. I liked him, Master. If only he was a woman, he could have dealt with my issues without going insane.

Bren: True. But, Mr. Gray Beard here is right, kid. You are not a woman and you

will never be. Focus on becoming a fourteen year old boy. Feels like you've been thirteen forever.

Obi: I can do that. And, I'll put my SmartCom away and only use it when I really need it. I think I can find my way from my bedroom to the dining hall without Liri's help.

Bren: Without running into walls, right?

Obi: Pretty confident on that one.

Qui: Wait a minute…my beard is not gray, it's mature brown.

Bren: You go with that thought, Qui-Gon.

Obi: Master, I'm going to the dining hall. My SmartCom is in my pocket. I'll be back in a bit.

(Obi-Wan began wandering off.)

Qui: Don't be late for meditation with me.

Obi: I won't! OUCH!

Bren: Watch out for that wall, kid. Poor thing, just BAM! Right into it. Maybe he should ask Liri for help.

Obi: Hey, I got this!

Bren: Watch out for…Oh! Just missed it. Okay, he should be good now.

Qui: This is Obi-Wan we're talking about.

Bren: Right. We'd better follow him to make sure he doesn't pick a fight with the next wall that wanders into his path.

Qui: I can't train that out of him, can I?

Bren: Sadly, no. Just hope he grows out of it or you'll look pretty silly wandering foreign planets with a twenty-five year old apprentice who randomly walks into walls.

Qui: And I do have a reputation to uphold.

Bren: Or at least you should work on building one. You don't want to know the Qui-Gon Jinn tales that that kid babbles around the temple.

Qui: At least he can't stay thirteen forever.

Bren: He's doing a pretty damn good job of trying.

(In the distance…)

Obi: OW! SITH!

Qui: Shaking my head and rolling my eyes will get me nowhere, right?

Bren: Nope.

Qui: All right. OBI-WAN! JUST USE THAT SMARTCOM THING! I NEED YOU IN ONE NON-BLOODY PIECE TO FINISH YOUR TRAINING!

Obi: CAN I HUG YOU FOR THAT, MASTER?

Qui: Hmm…perhaps I should go the opposite direction now.

Bren: Too late! INCOMING! BAM! Nice shot kid.

Qui: Obi-Wan let go of me! I didn't say you could have a hug.

Obi: You didn't say no either.

Qui: Just…make friends with Liri so you can make it to the dining hall blood free.

Obi: I knew you cared about me, Master.

Qui: Please don't make this into a goopy embarrassing scene. Just go please.

Obi: Okay. Liri, directions to the dining hall.

Liri: I found nine routes to the dining hall.

Obi: Really? Master, you didn't tell me there were nine different ways to get there.

Qui: I didn't know.

Obi: Oooo, this route takes me up eight flights to the Council Chambers, through it and then back down the emergency exit. It says travel time is 10.5 minutes. Let's go that way!

Qui: Obi-Wan, you can get there in thirty seconds by just walking straight down this hall.

Obi: Please, Master. I want adventure. And the adventure of adventure is in the uh…adventure.

Qui: That makes no sense.

Obi: Think about it.

Qui: No. I am not wasting my brain cells on one more…

Bren: Boys, please. Maturity, Qui-Gon. Maturity. Someone in his duo has to have it. I would assume you'd want that to be you.

Qui: I would.

Bren: Good, then shut up, stop arguing with him and just play along. Besides, I'm always up for a way to tick off the Council. I mean, if it's not a legit route to the dining hall than it shouldn't be publicly available, right?

Qui: Hmm. You do have a point.

Bren: I always do. Lead the way kid!

Obi: Walk fourteen paces straight. Then left for forty. Enter the lift. Exit the lift. Walk one hundred paces…Ha! Even I can do this.

Qui: That has yet to be seen, but I do admit to enjoying a little adventure from time to time. Yes, lead the way, Padawan. To the dining hall we go.

Obi: And if I run into a wall, just assume I'm taking one for the team.

Qui: Whatever you say, Obi-Wan, whatever you say.

The End.