19

Kendall went back inside the apartment, with a slightly tipsy Elie following him.

"Should we sit, or?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah, but this won't take long," Elie said as she sat down in Zamir and Pam's living room. Kendall sat down at the other end. Elie was fidgety. She was playing with the ribbon wrapped around the package she was holding. Elie noticed Kendall looking at it.

"Here," she said as she handed Kendall the package, "this is actually yours." Kendall started tugging at the ribbon but Elie stopped him. "No, please. Not in front of me."

"Why not?" Kendall asked.

"I just… can you open it on the plane or in the car or whatever? That's from last year. I was supposed to give that to you when I thought about telling you I was pregnant with Kieran," Elie explained. "It's a birthday gift. A book, some music, Kieran's sonogram, and then I recently added more photos of Kieran, you know, milestones, that sort."

Kendall nodded. "Thank you. Thank you for this. So what now?" He looked at Elie. He obviously was still hurting from this morning.

Elie wished she finished that bottle of Ardbeg sitting on Stan's minibar because she thought what she'd already drunk wasn't quite enough. I need more bravery, she thought. She took a deep breath. She doesn't know how to start or what to say. She feared she might say the wrong thing and screw this up.

"I'm… I wanted to say… I mean, I…" Elie stammered.

Kendall just looked at her.

Elie took a deep breath and tried to speak as well as she's able. "I'm sorry."

Still no word from Kendall.

"I'm sorry for everything – for this morning, for last night, for the last year, for keeping Kieran from you," she went on. She was really finding it difficult to speak, and she knows it's not the whiskey's fault.

Kendall was staring at the package in his hands and still wasn't saying a word. He had a sad look on his face that broke Elie's heart.

"Kibs," Elie said. That made Kendall look at her. He hasn't heard Elie call him that for a long time. He missed it.

Elie looked straight at Kendall as she spoke now. "I've really been an ass to you, but I honestly didn't mean to hurt you. Please believe me. But I hurt you badly anyway and I've mistreated you the entire time you're here. I'm really sorry, Kibs. I'm so sorry." She bit her lips to keep her from crying. Kendall's eyes were red now, but no tears have fallen.

Kendall cleared his throat and finally spoke. "Oh, Elie. We've done a lot of crying the past few days, haven't we? I wouldn't trade these days for anything." He ran his fingers over the package Elie gave him.

"I'm glad I found you. I would have been there for you, you know, the pregnancy and everything" Kendall went on. "I missed a lot of really important things this past year. I wish I looked harder."

"I didn't want to be found, Kendall. It wasn't your fault," Elie assured Kendall.

"I know how stubborn you can get, but if I found you sooner we would have been in a better place now. Come to think of it, you didn't tell me to go away when you saw me. You didn't tell me no at the airport. The guys told me about what you said at lunch. I'll take anything that I can get from you, Elie, even if you keep pushing me away. I'll hold on to what you can give."

Elie realized that Kendall loved her more than she knew, more than he let on. In her head this made her love for Kendall seemed inadequate, unworthy.

"You deserve better," Elie said quietly.

Kendall shook his head. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, Elie. If I haven't made you feel like that in any way, I'm sorry. I really should've done everything I can to keep you. I should have… there are so many things, Elie."

He went on. "I really miss you."

Elie could tell that this was the hardest part for Kendall. She could hear him choke the words out. She looked at him and she could see how his head was looking down on the package she gave him. Kendall's eyes were glazed over, as though thinking about everything he missed about Elie. Elie couldn't find it in herself to say anything. But her thoughts were in an uproar. I really miss you too, Kibs.

"I miss falling asleep next to you. I miss seeing you when I wake up. I miss holding your hand. I miss driving with you. I miss our conversations. I miss the look on your face when you're putting nail polish on. I miss hearing you call me Kibs. I miss a lot of things."

Hearing Kendall say the things he missed about her, about them, made Elie feel more guilty than ever, and the more she can't get herself to profess her love. She knew Kendall loved her. People have probably been telling Kendall that she loved him but she has never said it back since they've seen each other again. Not once.

Kendall moved closer to Elie and spoke again. "I know you still love me. Call me an ass, but I know you do. I can't be wrong about it. Everybody tells me so, Elie. And I know you still do. You just don't seem to want to."

Elie was quite taken aback by how bold Kendall's statements were, but she should be used to them by now. She doesn't know where Kendall was getting the bravery to say these things. He has always been like that. He was the first to ask her out, the first to say he loved her. Elie had always been afraid of Kendall's love, fearing it might end soon, or that it was too much, or that she was not worthy of something so pure. She looked at Kendall and he was looking intently at her, telling her everything else he couldn't say with words. She desperately wanted to go back to how they were before, but she was still scared.

"You're better off without me, Kendall," Elie said.

"That. Why do you keep saying that?" Kendall said as he stood up and started pacing, frustrated at Elie. "Look at me right now and tell me again that I am better off without you, that this, me right now, this is me being better off without you."

At that moment, they heard the door open, and in came Zamir, carrying a sleeping Kieran. He was taken aback that both Elie and Kendall were in his living room, apparently having a heated discussion.

"Oh, so that's who the cab driver outside was referring to. He asked me if the person who called the cab would be out any minute," Zamir asked.

"I gave him 50 quid. He can wait a bit more," Elie snapped.

"Okay, then," Zamir said as he walked past them to put Kieran down on his cot.

"I should go," Kendall quipped.

"No, wait," Elie said.

Kendall gathered his things. "No, let's just, I don't know, e-mail or something. Let's try to keep this last encounter here as amicable as possible. For Kieran's sake. And for our sake."

Elie just stood there, lots of thoughts running through her head, but not having any idea what to say.

Kendall opened the door and before he got out he reached out to grab Elie's hand and told her, "I love you, Elie. For how long, I don't know. Possibly forever. And I don't just love you, I'm in love with you." He squeezed her hand one more time and went out the door.

Elie held her own hand when Kendall left, trying to prolong that feeling as she watched him get into the waiting cab and go back to the life that he had in Los Angeles.

…

A few miles into the ride to the airport, Kendall felt around his bag for the package Elie gave him. He put it in his lap and stared at it. After a couple of minutes, he decided he wanted to see what's inside so he opened it.

It did contain what Elie said it contained: bits and pieces of the past year.

There was a book of poems, dog-eared in pages that Elie thought would express her feelings better than she ever could. Some were even highlighted to further drive the point home. Kendall felt like this was Elie's way of explaining herself. But then, this was from around the time she went away. Maybe her feelings were different now.

Kendall went through the small stack of other things included with the book. True enough, there were sonograms and early pictures of Kieran, all painstakingly labeled by Elie so Kendall would know what they were. There was even a photo of Kendall and Kieran's first encounter. He didn't know Elie even took a photo of that.

He put the books and things back in the box and held it close to his chest, hoping for better things in store for them despite everything that has happened in recent times.

After Kendall's cab drove off, Elie stared out the window a good while before Zamir went beside her and offered her a mug of tea which she graciously accepted.

"That's good tea," Elie said, breaking their silence.

"Yeah. Kendall bought tons of that stuff. He probably knew you'd love it," Zamir replied.

"I'm an awful person, aren't I?" Elie asked.

"No, not awful. Confused, probably. Scared," Zamir said. "You're not a bad person for not being able to profess your love to the person you love. Maybe you need time?"

"Or more liquor. I almost… I could have told him I loved him. I could have, but I didn't."

"Do you?"

"Yes. Yes, I love him. I love Kendall."

Elie and Zamir finished their tea and then he helped her bring Kieran back up to Elie's flat. As Elie walked up the stairs, she saw a package sitting by her door.

"What's this?" Elie asked.

"I don't know. Nobody rang the bell when I was here, then I took Kieran out, then went back and there was no package by the door," Zamir said. "Look, there's a card."

Elie took the card and read what was written.

Hope you like our present!

With all our love,

K and k

"Hahah, this must be a joke," Elie said, handing the card to Zamir. "Did you put him up to this?"

"What? No?" Zamir said as he read the card. "Aww, look, there's a big K and a small K. Kendall and Kieran. That's sweet. What's in the box?" Zamir seemed more excited than Elie.

"I don't know," Elie shook her head. Elie carried the box inside the apartment as Zamir helped Kieran settle in his crib, still sleeping. Zamir went back to the living room where Elie was still staring at the card and the box.

"Open it!" Zamir was almost yelling at Elie at this point, out of excitement.

Elie tore the wrapping paper and opened the box, while Zamir took the contents of the box out and set it on the table. Elie was speechless. Zamir was impressed.

"Now that's a really beautiful vintage record player," Zamir quipped.

Elie felt like her breathing has stopped. "It is," she said, clutching her chest.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Zamir asked, alarmed.

"Nothing, nothing. It's just that… It's the record player I really wanted. Like I visit this every week," Elie said.

"The one in Ray's shop?" Zamir asked, incredulous. Elie just nodded.

"Are you sure you didn't put him up to this?" Elie asked Zamir.

"I swear on Pam's life, E," Zamir replied.

"But how...?" Elie still doesn't believe Kendall got her the exact record player she's been jonesing for, and for no reason really. "He must have wandered to Ray's shop when he went out with Kieran and then he bought it from there."

"I don't know, E. Let's just chuck it up to love," Zamir said, admiring the mint condition vintage record player. He saw something sticking out of the package, so he pulled it out. "Oh, E, look what else he got you!"

It was a record, with a note stuck to it in Kendall's handwriting. "First song is from me to you ~Kendall" it said.

"Let's play it then," Zamir said, carrying the player to a nearby electric outlet to plug it in so they can play the record.

A few minutes later, they could hear drums and horns blaring from the record. It was a familiar song. It was Ray LaMontagne's "You Are The Best Thing." Zamir and Elie both laughed for a bit, then grew quiet as the song went on and reached its end.

As the second song on the record was starting, Zamir turned to Elie, "There you have it. From him to you."

"Did I royally screw us up?" Elie asked, still clutching Kendall's note.

"Even if you did, it can still be fixed," Zamir smiled, patting Elie's back for encouragement.

"You really think so?"

"I believe so. I know so," Zamir said.

"What do I do then?" Elie asked.

"Well it's too late to drive to the airport now, rush hour traffic and everything. Plus his flight must have boarded already. Call him. Leave him voicemail. Give me your phone," Zamir said. He then copied Kendall's US number on from his phone to Elie's phone and handed the phone back to Elie. Elie just stared at the phone, not knowing what to do.

"He might think I'm leading him on again, Z," Elie was worried.

"Pshh. Just call him. And this time, just be honest. None of that you're-better-off-without-me shit, alright?" Zamir said. "Call him. Leave a voicemail now so that when he checks his messages when he lands, yours is the first voice he hears. Then he could maybe go back to England right that minute and kiss you until your lips bleed."

"ZAMIR!" Elie yelled.

Zamir just laughed and started toward the door. Before he went out, he repeated what he said to Elie about calling Kendall and leaving a message.

Now all there is, is Elie standing in the middle of her living room, phone in hand, about to dial Kendall's number. True enough, it went to voicemail. She took a deep breath.

"Hi, Kibs. It's me, Elie. I got your number from Zamir. I know you left London with things between us not really settled or clear or anything. I mean I tried to catch you before you left because I wanted to tell you something but I chickened out. Because that's what I am, a chicken. Not a literal clucking chicken, but you know," Elie blabbed on. She continued, "I'm sorry I babble a lot. I guess I'm just nervous. What I wanted to say was -" she was cut off by the beep.

"Goddamnit all to hell!" Elie shouted. She dialed Kendall's number again.

"Sorry, I got cut off. You have a terribly short space for messages. I'll try to talk fast. By the way, I got your present. Thank you. Thank you for that and for being the person you are even if I'm really horrible to you, this back-and-forth that I seem to pull. That's pretty shitty. I just think you're better off without me because I'm crap and you're great. You're so great with Kieran, everyone can see that. But I hope - " BEEP.

She dialed again.

"Okay, as I was saying. I keep saying you're better off without me but Kibs, I hope you won't be without me. I can't imagine my life without you. Actually, I sorta had a glimpse of what that was like and it's not great. I want you in my life, in our lives. I love you, Kendall. I love you very much. Please give me this chance. Be with me. Be with us…" Elie took another deep breath as she said those last few words. "I'll call you or you call me, whichever comes first. Let's talk about us for real this time. I love you."

She had said it. Now all she has to do is wait.

Kendall spent the flight home to Los Angeles leafing through the book and looking at the pictures Elie gave him and those he took on his phone. It has been a tiring few days, and he's clueless as to what's in store between him and Elie. It's somewhat better than before; at least now he knows where she is and Elie isn't hiding anymore. Kieran was the definite bonus of the trip. He came to London a few days ago as himself and came away from it better – he was a father.

As soon as the plane touched down and phones were allowed, he turned his phone on and saw that he had quite a number of voicemails that he needed to attend to. He called Kevin first to ask to be picked up because it was really late and he was really tired. Kevin said he'd pick him up right away.

Immigration processing went by without a hitch and he found himself at the airport drop-off, waiting for Kevin. He had nothing to do by the side of the road, so he decided to start checking on his messages. It was mostly people looking for him, or his bandmates wishing him luck and all the best when they learned (from Logan, most probably) that he was heading to London with pretty much just the clothes on his back. And then he came upon the voice mail that started, "Hi Kibs. It's me, Elie."

While in the middle of listening to Elie's voice mail, he was Kevin pulling over on the other side of the street. He waved at his brother, and started to walk towards him while he was listening to Elie. The first message ended abruptly, so he immediately went to the next ones in the hopes that Elie continued her message. He was in the middle of crossing the street when he heard Elie say that she loved him. It was so unexpected that he stopped right in the middle of the road. And then he didn't know what hit him.

The last thing he heard before blacking out was Elie telling Kendall that she loved him very much.

Elie thought her phone was ringing in her dreams before she realized that she wasn't dreaming and that her phone was actually ringing. It was around 5 in the morning, and her phone ringing woke her up with a jolt.

"Hello, hello," she answered breathlessly.

"Um. Elie?" the voice on the other line said.

Elie looked at her phone to see who it was who called her. It was registered under Kendall's name. So who was this? The voice sounded familiar. She started to get worried.

"Elie?" The voice on the phone said again. "It's Kevin. Kendall's brother."

"Yeah, Kevin. Hi!" Elie said nervously. "What's up? Where's Kendall?"

Kevin cleared his throat. "Yeah, about that."

Elie heard some sniffling and some deep breathing.

Kevin spoke again. "Kendall's in the hospital."

NO. NO, GOD, NO.

"He got run over at the airport. He's stable now, but he's in a coma," Kevin went on.

NO.

"Elie, are you still there?"

"Yes," Elie croaked. "Which hospital?"

"He's at Concentra now, but we're gonna be transferring him to Cedars-Sinai in a bit," Kevin replied.

"See you at Cedars-Sinai," Elie said and abruptly ended the conversation. She walked to Kieran's room, took her son, and hugged him tight.

Zamir and Pam were woken up by an incessant banging on their door. Zamir hazily checked the bedside clock for the time. It's 5:30 in the morning. Who could this be? They both walked towards the front door. They could hear that it was Elie who was banging the door. They immediately opened it.

As soon as Elie saw Zamir, she broke down and cried. She had Kieran in her arms, and a traveling bag at her feet. Pam took the baby and Zamir consoled his friend.

"What's wrong, Elie?" Zamir asked as she guided Elie towards the living room.

Elie then recounted, as best as she could, the phone call from Kevin. The three of them sat in silence. Then all of a sudden, Pam handed Kieran to Zamir and ran to the kitchen counter to get something. When she came back, she was holding an official-looking packet. She handed it to Elie.

"This came in yesterday from the postman. I was running late so I just took it with me to work. Then I thought I'd just give it to you this morning at breakfast."

Elie opened it. It was Kieran's passport. "Oh my God," she said.

"Take Kieran with you. I mean you finally can, and his dad needs him now," Pam said.

"I need a ride to the airport," Elie said.

"Don't worry, we'll take you. But let's eat something first. It's too early to go to the airport anyway," Zamir said. "We'll help pack Kieran's things."

"I'll prepare breakfast. You just sit here," Pam said.

…

There we have it. Again, apologies for any errors here. I'll come back when this saga is finished and correct everything. For now, let's just enjoy this.

Sad, no? Elie is LA-bound once again, this time with Kieran in tow. What will happen? What can possibly happen?