A/N: Hello to all my fans! I had previously thought to discontinue DOA, but seeing your follows, favorites and reviews made me reconsider otherwise! So, this is a long chapter, but it would be a disservice if I made you guys wait this long for a short little filler! I actually enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you enjoy this as well, and as usual, keep up them reviews, folks!
Previously...
Akihiko sipped on an apple martini as he watched Kenji, Lee and Quan clown around on the dance floor.
"Some party, eh." Junpei said, sipping on a cocktail.
"I guess. Seems like yesterday I found you hiding behind the frozen food section at that convenience store years ago." Akihiko reminisced.
"Oh, right, it was you who found me." Junpei said, "I couldn't remember it."
"Yeah, right." Akihiko shook his head, "You've got a knack for forgetting important details, Junpei."
"Well, that seems like ancient history now..." Junpei sighed, "And now, here we are, in Minato's bachelor party. Can you imagine? A member of SEES, getting married!"
"Hey! *I* got married!" Akihiko cried.
"Haha! Who remembers?!" Junpei laughed.
"Oh, you're gonna pay for that." Akihiko said.
"Say, how about we drink to that? Hm?" Junpei said, raising a cup.
"Can't, I've got to safeguard the rings for the wedding." Akihiko said, "I am the ringbearer, after all."
"Oh, come on Frodo, no one's gonna steal those rings. Not while Minako's alive, at least." Junpei said, "And any man who has to say 'I am the ringbearer' is no true ringbearer."
"That makes no sense." Akihiko decided, "But I'll take you up on your offer, just to shut you up about it." Akihiko said, and drained a pint of lager.
"That's my Senpai!" Junpei said and downed his pint, "Whew! Care for another one?"
"Yeah, I can, but I don't think I want to." Akihiko said.
"You going soft, Senpai? How about a dare? 10,000¥?"
"Unlike you and your type, Junpei, I'm not interested in money." Akihiko said.
"*MY TYPE*?!" Junpei cried incredulously, "That tears it! I'll bet my house you won't last longer than me!"
"We live in the same house!" Akihiko cried, "Okay, then, I'll accept your offer. Maybe I'll turn your room into my personal gym after all!"
"Or maybe I'll turn your room into an entertainment room!" Junpei said, getting another pint for the two of them.
Akihiko and Junpei downed their pints. Then another. And another. Until they were well into eighth pint, neither one given an inch of ground.
"Gibbinup yet Sanaduh?" Junpei slurred.
"Phuc yew, Junpeh..." Akihiko hiccuped.
Minato came by, "What's going on here?"
"Nunyabusiness." Junpei slurred.
"Yea, we've got dis."
Minato shook his head, "Sounds like famous last words." He said and left.
"Nuther round, Junpei?" Akihiko hicced, "Bet ye caint take much more."
"Bring it onnnn." Junpei said as the two downed another pint.
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Akihiko woke up with a fuzzy feeling on his head. On one hand, he wore Minato's wedding ring. On the other, he wore his own wedding ring. Sitting up, he felt a dull pain on the back of his head. As he cupped sizable lump with one hand, he felt blood encrusting the affected area.
"Damn..." Akihiko groaned, "What happened...?"
"You got married." An elderly voice said, "Congratulations."
Akihiko turned around to see an elderly monk holding a broom. Akihiko recognized the Naganaki Shrine.
"I'm already married." Akihiko argued.
"Looks like you've got a lot of explaining to do, then!" The monk cried, thrusting the broom to Akihiko's hands, "You wrecked this place good, with goat boy over there." The Monk points to Junpei, who was slumped over the steps of the shrine, with several cans of beer strewn nearby.
"Junpei!" Akihiko cried, trying to shake Junpei awake, "Junpei! Wake up!"
Junpei slowly opened his eyes, shielding it from the morning light. After yawning loudly, he scratched his stomach, "Hey, Senpai. Where are we? Why are you wearing Minato's wedding ring?"
"I could ask you the same thing!" Akihiko cried, "Apparently, I got married yesterday night!"
"Wait, you got married!?" Junpei gasped.
"I'm already married!"
"To who?!" Junpei cried.
"To Leah-" Akihiko screamed, then suddenly, it occurred to Akihiko. He quickly patted himself down, but he couldn't find Minako's wedding ring, "OH NO! I LOST IT! Oh no, oh no, OOOOOOH this is terrible! *gulp* Minako...! What will she say...? What will she do...?!"
"Calm down. What did you lose?" Junpei asked.
"Minako's wedding ring!" Akihiko said.
"Oh shit! You've got a lot of explaining to do..." Junpei chuckled.
"This isn't a laughing matter!" Akihiko hissed,
"Damn right it isn't!" The Monk cried, "You two clowns also have a lot of CLEANING to do, so get to it before I broom you both to jail!"
Akihiko and Junpei quickly swept and cleaned up the area. It was mainly rearranging strewn and misplaced objects, but the objects that caught Akihiko's eyes were two bottles of vintage wine, a keychain with a lock of crimson hair and a hastily written note that made no sense.
"Junpei, look at these!" Akihiko cried. Junpei stepped over, "Two bottles of booze, a keychain with a lock of hair and a piece of scratch paper. So what?"
"These could be clues as to where the ring might be!" Akihiko cried.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, big boy, this is your mess, not mine!" Junpei cried.
"Hey, we're in this together! Minako won't care if you're involved or not, your ass is on the chopping block as well as mine just by being here!"
Junpei thought for a while, "Damn, you're right. What do we do?"
"These bottles come from the Konishi Liquors, Iwatodai Branch. That's a tavern-liquor store about 3 blocks from here."
"Oh, yeah. I think that's where Minato and Minako are getting their wine from." Junpei said, "It's settled! We're going to the Konishi Liquors!"
After cleaning up, Junpei and Akihiko went out and hailed a cab. The driver, who wore a blue uniform hat, politely asked their destination.
"Konishi Liquors." Junpei said, "And make it snappy!"
"Right away, Sir!" The driver said and sped off.
"There must be clues as to what happened last night! Junpei, do you have your phone?"
"I don't believe in phones!" Junpei cried, "Phones are what contributes to the world's problems! Why should I be a part of that problem...? I want to make the world better by boycotting phones!"
"You lost your phone last night, didn't you?" Akihiko said flatly.
"And my wallet. So you're gonna have to pay the fare. But my version of the story sounded better." Junpei winked.
Akihiko groaned. He uncrumpled the piece of paper he found in the temple. It was gibberish, but he could make out a few writings. It seemed as if the person writing the note used his or her undominant hand to write.
"What the hell does this mean?!" Akihiko cried.
As they arrived, Akihiko paid the fare, but the driver complained.
"What, no tip? I got you here in three minutes!"
"Here's a tip: Don't use too much cologne!" Junpei winked.
"Here's MY tip! Shave off that goatee! You look like a moron!" The driver yelled before driving away.
"He's got you there, Junpei." Akihiko said as they entered Konishi liquors.
"You two! Stay there! Stay RIGHT there!" The owner, a fresh faced young man, said. He unsheathed a katana from a shrine dedicated to a young woman and pointed it at them, "Give him back!"
Junpei, in shock, grabbed Akihiko and placed him between him and the angry young man.
"Whoa! Calm down, son! Tell us what's wrong!" Akihiko said, trying to diffuse the situation.
"I'll ask the questions here, grandad!" The young man said, "My pet monkey, Abner! Last night, you two bought about a dozen beers, and two bottles of vinyards and made off with my pet monkey, Abner!"
"That explains the two bottles of wine at the shrine." Akihiko said, "Look, do you have an idea where we might have taken that monkey? We kinda had a rough night last night."
The young man thought for a while, "Well, you two WERE deep in your cups last night, to be sure." He sheathed his katana and led him to the back, where a surveillance room was.
"That's the guy you're looking for." He points. The camera shows an alleyway, and two obviously drunk Akihiko and Junpei, holding a bag full of drinks with a monkey at his back. A car pulled up with a plate number that read MM-16, where a shady-looking man in a sharp suit with a banana-shaped birthmark at his cheek arrived and handed them a wad of cash, along with a receipt. Satisfied, Junpei handed him the monkey.
"Get Abner back, and I'll tell you more about your companions last night. The one who wore the exact same ring in her finger." The young man said
Akihiko looked at the crumpled piece of paper in his hands.
"How the fuck are we going to get a chimp to follow us around?!" Junpei cried.
"You smell and look like an ape, goat boy, I'm sure you'll figure something out!" The young man snapped.
Going outside, Akihiko contacted Fuuka, and got her to reveal where the man is at via loudpeaker. After typing a description and running his plate number.
"Iwatodai Centennial Hotel. 4-B Thanks, Fuuka." Akihiko said.
"Wait, Senpai, about this man, Dr. Rathbone Guildenstern..." Fuuka began, "He's a suspected cultist, who was charged with poaching primates and consuming them."
"Say what!?" Junpei cried, "You sold Abner to a monkey-eater?!"
"Don't you dare pin this on me, you sonofabitch, you handed that baboon to that maniac yourself!" Akihiko cried.
"Stop arguing, you two." Fuuka chided gently, "There's still time, if you two hurry. He's departing for Inaba in an hour."
"Fuuka's right, Junpei, we have to haul ass, pronto, or we'll have to chase him to Inaba. I don't want to go that far into the boonies," Akihiko said.
"Inaba! Why do all the crazy shit happen in Inaba..." Junpei complained as he raced to the hotel with Akihiko.
Arriving in five minutes, the two paused for a breather, before heading up to the 4th floor.
Kicking down the door, the duo faced the Shady-looking man, with a caged monkey looking somberly at them.
"Ah, my primate procurers!" He said, clapping his hands, "Come in, come in."
"We are!" Akihiko said, "Now, were you or were you not planning to eat Abner, that chimp you have caged there?"
"I am." Rathbone said cooly.
"Don't lie to us, you pompous prick! We know the truth!"
"I cannot be any clearer." He said.
"The jig is up, RathBONER!" Junpei cried, "We want Abner back!"
"We had a deal." Rathbone said, "$20,000 for your delicious little friend."
"Deal's off!" Akihiko said, "So, take your damned money and we'll take the monkey and be off!"
"You know, I must say, Akihiko-san, I've never met anyone who has ever turned down my money." Rathbone said, "This really... vexes me."
"We're not trying to vex you, Mister." Junpei said, "I'm not even sure what that means. We've had a change of heart."
Rathbone thought for a while, "After some consideration... I've decided that I can call this whole thing off if, say, you pay me back in full by tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? Hell, we'll do better than that, we'll pay you right now. Junpei, give him the dough." Akihiko said.
"I don't have it." Junpei said.
"What do you mean you don't have it? It's not with me." Akihiko said.
"Didn't I just say that I lost my wallet and my phone?!" Junpei cried.
"I'm sorry, where is the money?" Rathbone said impatiently.
"We, uh, we don't have it..." Akihiko stammered, "But we CAN pay you in installments..."
"Listen, boys, here's what's going to go down... You (points to Akihiko) and you (points to Junpei) have to do something for ME."
Pin drop silence.
"Fuck this." Akihiko said, and threw a haymaker right at Rathbone's jaw.
"Grab the Monkey!" Akihiko cried. Junpei ran and grabbed Abner from his cage.
Akihiko saluted, "Thank you, Sir Rathbone. Someday we'll repay you! Unless, of course, we can't find you or if we forget!"
Sprinting away, Junpei and Akihiko managed to arrive at Konishi Liquors in record time.
"That was quick!" The young man cried, "Abner! Come here!"
Abner looked at the young man, then clung at Junpei.
"He likes me." Junpei said.
"He probably think's you're his father Junpei." Akihiko rolled his eyes, "Hand that chimp over so we can find the ring!"
Somberly, Junpei handed him to the young man. Satisfied, he told them about a goldsmith nearby who adjusted rings and other jewelry.
Junpei and Akihiko went out to the Goldsmith, who was tinkering with a watch inside his shop.
"Are you Monroe Rosencrantz?" Akihiko asked.
"Ah, yes, my newlywed friend from last night! How was the consummation?" He winked.
"I don't remember much about what happened." Akihiko admitted.
"Must have been a rough night for you to forget. But you did seem to smell like a brewery last night..." He said, "Anyway, you spoke so highly of that lady friend of yours."
"What did he say?" Junpei said.
"How can I forget? You two met in an ocean cruise around the world, and met as the sun set. Straight out of a romance novel, if you ask me!" He said, "Anyway, she's Ino Inabayama, from down the street."
Thanking Monroe, the duo raced to the said address, and found an imposing manse. The guard recognized Akihiko, clapped his hands and allowed him inside.
Ino Inabayama was waiting by the balconey. She had pale blonde hair, very pallid, and was pretty but altogether homely. Akihiko had heard rumors of how spoiled she and bratty she was. She was also at least thirty years older than Akihiko. She was speaking to her mother's urn when she spotted Akihiko and Junpei.
"Well, she can't replace Leah, if that's what you're thinking." Junpei whispered.
"Akihiko, my love! I've been waiting for you so we can finally have intense coitus!" She said.
"I don't think so." Akihiko said, "That ring doesn't belong to you. I need it back."
Her expression turned dark, "How DARE you! I should have you whipped for your impudence."
"That ring belongs to the Arisato Clan!" Akihiko said, "You'd be better off returning it, Ino!"
She nods, then goes to a closet, and picked out a rifle. After loading it, she points it to Junpei, "Choose! Leg or balls?"
"Coward! This is between you and me. Leave him alone." Akihiko said.
"Yes, point it at him." Junpei said.
"You and I are consummating this marriage, Sanada, and you have no choice in this." Ino said.
Akihiko looked at Junpei, then at the urn. Junpei nodded.
"Grab the urn!" Akihiko cried.
Junpei grabbed it, and ran with Akihiko, with Ino pursuing them. Spying a cat litter, Junpei lifted the lid and threatened to upend the contents into the box.
"Stop!" Ino cried.
"Put the gun down!" Akihiko cried.
"If you pour it to that litter, I'll spill your brains out!" Ino swore.
"If you do that, we'll spill this out!" Junpei swore.
"Fine! You wanna play rough? Junpei, scatter the ashes!" Akihiko swore.
Junpei lifted the lid, and found it to be empty. He chose the wrong urn!
"Aki..." Junpei whispered.
"What!?"
"There's nothing inside...!" Junpei hissed.
"Waddya mean nothing?!"
"Nothing...?" Ino said suspiciously.
"Nothing! There will be nothing left after we mix the ashes in! Do it! Do it!" Akihiko cried.
"Okay! Okay!" Ino cried, and placed her rifle down, "The ring is yours! Take it and leave! Enjoy that hussy of yours! Cheater!"
Junpei put down the urn and recovered the ring. Akihiko and Junpei left just as Ino began screaming at the guards to stop them, but it was too late as Junpei and Akihiko ran as fast as they could back to Minato's house he shared with Minako. They quickly knocked on the door, until Minato opened it.
"Junpei! Akihiko! What are you two doing? And why do you two look like you've been up in some shenanigan? And why do you guys smell like an Irish Pub?!"
"Calm down, alright?" Junpei said, "So, Akihiko-san and I were having a few rounds at the bachelor party, right? And we were having mostly lager, beer, that sort of stuff. But I kinda have a refined palate, after all, so this cocktail waitress managed to save the day by mentioning that Konishi Liquors has a wide array of special vintage wines. I've heard about that place, since my boss once told me that his cousin, a Mayor bought some wine for his mistress back in Tokyo, and-"
"Wrong details, Junpei." Minato said.
"Oh, uh, then she tells me she's dating this guy, Kishiro, who's a bigwig from across the bay and he tells her about his friend's cousin's acquaintance who happens be in the city, who purchases monkeys for a fair price. Right? And I was like 'where the fuck are we gonna find a monkey at 2AM in the morning'? Then, she was like 'No worries, fam, the dude who works at Konishi Liquors has this monkey who you can sell it to that geezer for', so, of course, I had to ask: "Did that rich guy get you to get to me to steal that monkey for money? And she says: "Nah, bro. All she said is that it's, like, super legit, and he's willing to pay $20,000 upfront."
"And?"
"We spent it on drinks, ramen and rooster fights. Yeah, it was a crazy night." Junpei said.
"You still haven't finished the story, Junpei!" Akihiko cried.
"Oh, right!" Junpei said.
"So, yeah, after that crazy night, we woke up at the Naganaki Shrine, found out we trashed the place, and that Akihiko was married to some hundred year old crone down the lane-"
"Wait, what?" Minato said in disbelief.
"She was about 50!" Akihiko said defensively.
"Aha! It IS true!" Minato cried.
"I'm telling Leah!" Minako's voice from the kitchen said.
"Fucking hell, Junpei, just tell the story already!" Akihiko snapped.
"No, no, no, no doubt, no doubt!
Anyway... Sorry, sorry… you know, uh, I just get excited and stuff. But anyway, anyway. When this Monk tells me: "Yo, you two crazy boys trashed this place last night. Like, really worked on it, professional-like! And he goes up and down on how we suppose to fix the place up or he'll throw out asses sideways toward the police station. So, then, we found out that the rings had been lost and-"
"YOU WHAT?!" Minako howled in fury.
"Wait, wait, let me finish the story!" Junpei cried, "Then, we went to Konishi Liquors and-"
"A little early to be drinking, don't you think?" Minato said.
"How am I suppose to finish this story if you two keep interrupting?!" Junpei complained, "As I was saying, the clerk got his panties in a bunch about this chimp Senpai and I, uh, 'liberated' last night. Called about 30 guys to kick our asses, but luckily, ol' Junpei managed to beat the shit out of them with only a chair and-"
"That's bullshit, Junpei, you used me as a human shield and almost pissed yourself!" Akihiko interjected.
"Nuance," Junpei waved, "Anyway, the clerk told us if we take Abner the chimp, back, he'd give us a clue on where the ring might've been. So, we called Fuuka to run a plate, found out this sicko was about to eat the chimp!"
"For real!?" Minako and Minato cried at the same time.
"For real!" Junpei nodded, "So, Akihiko and I fought our way to the hotel, see this cat was a big shot somewhere. So, after I led the heroic frontal assault, and defeated, like, 40 of this dude's elite guard, we managed to arrive to his room. He held a gun at the chimp's head, said he'd blow it off if we made a single move-"
"What happens next?!" Minato, who was now completely enraptured by Junpei's tale, said.
"Akihiko got knocked out by one of the goons and I had to face him alone-"
"Oh, brother." Akihiko rolled his eyes, "That's not even REMOTELY close to what happens!"
"Shhhh, quiet, Senpai, this is the best part!"
"So, this guy, Rathbone, was huge! Like 7 feet, almost. But I managed to grab a knife, and threw it between his eyes. That knocked that fool out long enough for me to kick him down. Oh, my size 9 birkenstocks never felt that much bone cracking! Kicked him to pieces and left him for dead! Then, after reuniting Abner, the clerk told us to go to a goldsmith, who adjusted the ring-"
"Finally, something that actually happened." Akihiko sighed.
"But damn, this guy gave us riddles to solve! I won't get into details, but the last one was hard, and it was "Out of the eater, something to eat. Out of the strong, something sweet..." Stumped me for a while, til I said, "What is stronger than a lion, what is sweeter than honey?" Then the goldsmith was forced to give up the location of the ring, which was this old witch who lived in a large mansion!"
"Fucking hell..." Akihiko muttered as Junpei spoke.
"...So, after confronting finally defeating her using a technique Trismegestus used, she finally relented after we threatened to cast her heart into an oven. And then we rushed here." Junpei said.
"Holy hell!" Minako cried.
"That's not what happened!" Akihiko cried, "You two are the dumbest retards on earth if you believe one word from Junpei's mouth! So, we were having a drink, we stole a monkey and then sold it to a monkey eater so we can buy more drinks. Then we trashed the shrine, and after being forced to mend the place, we followed a clue to Konishi Liquors. After that, we were told to rescue the monkey from Rathbone, that's the monkey-eater guy, who was in 4B of the Iwatodai Hotel. After knocking him out, we took the chimp back to Konishi Liquors, where we were told to go to a Goldsmith, Rosencrantz, who directed us to Inabayama Ino's residence, where we threatened to scatter her mother's ashes into a kitty litter if she didn't return the ring, but the urn was actually empty. We then ran all the way here, just to show you THESE!" Akihiko cried, then showed two gleaming rings, which he tried to remove, but can't.
"Well?"
"They're stuck!" Akihiko cried.
"Waddya mean they're stuck?" Minako cried.
"They're STUCK!" Akihiko cried.
"Screw it. Junpei, get a knife. If the ring's won't come off, we'll have to cut them off!" Minako said.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Think about this for a minute!" Akihiko cried.
"I'll get the knife!" Junpei said.
"The wedding's tomorrow. MY wedding. I can only have one wedding with Minato. YouL'll still have nine fingers left." Minako winked.
Minato held him down and led him to the kitchen, "You want to know my little secret?" He whispered close to Akihiko's ear, "The rings I gave you? They were only decoys."
Akihiko cried out as Minato and Junpei dragged him to the kitchen, where Minako awaited.