Chapter 58

As Shepard started coming to, the specifics of where he was pre-blackout were a little fuzzy. Circumstantial evidence points to a massive bender, or more likely, a party of some kind. Blurry memories? Check. Massive, splitting headache? Check. Lying horizontally on top of a warm, soft, clearly female body? Check. World's spinning when I open my eyes? Spike risked opening his eyelids a crack, and promptly shut them when he immediately wanted to throw up. Double check. Nasty taste in my mouth? Check. Aching bumps and bruises? Check. Really tired, despite just waking up? Check. But something feels off. This is a really, really, like, bone-deep weariness. And the aches and pains signals I'm getting from my body aren't like my usual "I ran into a lot of stuff because I was too drunk to care about potential obstacles" hurts, they're more like the "I'm being tortured by somebody who's getting progressively more irritated at my unusually chipper and entertaining (to me, at least) responses to pain and suffering" kind of ouchies. At that point, Shepard's brain had apparently finished booting up and he was suddenly awash in a deluge of memories and sense impressions from the last forty-eight hours.

The influx of jarring and disharmonious feelings caused the commander's stomach to practically jump into his throat, so he swallowed down the bile and forced his body to settle down. Fuck. Note to self: Tali's not the only one with a concussion (at least, I hope I only have a concussion). My head feels even worse than when Shiala was putting stuff in my head and Liara was reading it. Seriously, why didn't I just let those two get together and talk things out? Probably woulda saved me some time (and fueled a few late-night fantasies amongst the crew, myself included). Getting away from futile exercises in blood redirection, hopefully the fact that my body feels like I just got worked over by every one of my hand-to-hand instructors (at the same time!) means that Sovereign's scrapmetal didn't do any damage to Tali. Only one way to find out, though.

Shepard rolled to his right, getting off of Tali's body and laying flat on his back next to her. Even that simple action made him wince at the pain involved. Pushing through the discomfort, he held up his left hand and activated his omni-tool, then did a quick scan of his girlfriend. Looks about the same. Thank the gods for small favors, at least. Now if I can just figure out a way to get us out of here, I can get her to Doc Chakwas. Who probably won't let me leave unless I submit to her tender mercies, too. Oh well. It's probably not a bad idea, anyway.

The Spectre then started looking - really looking- at his surroundings. He took careful note of a large piece of purple alloy that had dug itself into the ground at an odd angle. Not too bad. It looks like that piece of Sovereign is responsible for why I hurt so fucking much, but at least it probably hit me at an angle and slid off. It's big enough that if it'd hit me straight-on I'd be a pancake, and Tali too, probably. We'd be like some kinda fucked-up pancake batter; half-dextro, half-levo, and all scrambled together and squished flat. Like roadkill. The thought of Tali dying sent a shiver down his spine, followed immediately by a wince. Right. Thinking about bad things happening to Tali is bad on all levels - physical, mental, emotional, and any other levels I can think of. Although the thinking thing is pretty slow right now. I might need Chakwas more than I initially thought. So new plan: get us the fuck out of here, and then get us both to the good doctor ASAP. Now get moving, Spike!

Shepard heeded his own advice and gingerly got to his knees. He and Tali were hemmed in on all sides by jagged and broken pieces of Reaper to the point where even straightening his waist and neck would have been dangerous, to say nothing of even attempting to stand upright. Then he very carefully "stepped" one leg over Tali's body, shifted his weight onto that leg, and then brought the trailing limb over as well. Satisfied that he had managed to reach his new position without accidentally kicking Tali (Even if she is out cold, me literally kicking her while she's down, even accidentally, is too good for karma to keep quiet about), he then set about gently shifting aside some of the pieces of Sovereign's carapace in order to form a hole that was at least large enough to fit a human or quarian in repose.

The Spectre lost all track of time as he worked. In reality, it probably took no more than a few minutes to create an opening that was more than sufficient for his purposes. But inside Shepard's pounding head, with his arms and chest protesting every movement and his legs screaming in agony, his labor seemed to take days. Eventually, though, his task was completed. One quick check on Tali's condition (no change), and he began crawling through the gap on his belly. Once he was out, he re-activated his omni-tool's medical function, set it to monitor Tali, turned 180⁰, and stuck his head back inside his temporary prison. Very carefully, and while keeping half an eye on the medical program hovering over his left wrist, Spike pulled his girlfriend from the rubble.

By the time that painstaking process was completed, every cell in his body seemed to be sending messages of intense pain to his brain, and he was sweating copiously. Some detached, mostly-rational part of his mind noticed the fact that the armor's environmental controls were obviously broken, and he should call the company and tell them to fix it. That "note to self" was swept away by "Ow, this hurts!" memos from the rest of his body, almost as quickly as it had been formed. Shepard sighed deeply at the thought of the next part of his plan, knowing that his body's current pain was likely to be nothing more than a half-rate warm-up act for the main performance once he got Tali to the Normandy. Or wherever the hell Doc Chakwas and a couple of medical beds or stretchers are. Hopefully just on the other side of this big-ass piece of wanna-be evil overlord, he thought ruefully.

Spike very cautiously began the process of standing up. First he brought his left knee off the floor and put his foot down, and cringed when a new flare of pain hit him from his ankle as he started shifting his weight onto the lower extremity. Fuck. Ha, feels like I've been saying that a lot. Oh well. Add at least a seriously sprained left ankle to the list of injuries I can report to Chakwas. She's gonna have me in sick bay for a week at the rate I'm going. I'll need to rope in an accomplice to help me escape after two or three days, lest I go insane (more insane?) while stuck in that boring-ass room for days on end. He then slid his hands underneath Tali's body, his left hand beneath her knees and his right hand under her shoulderblades. Only get her sides now, you pervert. No copping a feel while she's unconscious. 'Cause how can she enjoy it, if she's not awake? He chortled a little at his phrasing of the problem, but was nevertheless very careful to respect the young woman in front of him.

Shepard, with Tali held firmly in his arms, rose to his feet with great effort - and immediately nearly fell down again. It took every ounce of determination he possessed to both remain upright himself and not let Tali drop to the floor. Oh fuck fuck fuckity fuck. That fucking hurts. At least I know I'm not in shock, because that really fucking hurts. I can add a sprained or broken left wrist and what feels like only one or two unbroken ribs to the laundry list of complaints I'll have for Doc Chak. Hah, that was funny. I should call her that if I want to be put out of my misery and just shot like a horse with a broken leg. Now if I end up having a broken leg, that would just be the king of irony. Well, now that I can stand relatively upright, I should get moving.

The commander put words into action, and started walking in what he thought was the direction of the entrance to the Chambers. Just put one foot in front of the other, Spikey boy. That's the way. One step, then another, then another. As he walked, he did his best to avoid any piles of rubble, actively trying to stay on the lowest part of the floor (even when that floor was actually just a smaller pile of debris). Christ on crutches, this is taking forever! We'll have gone through another ice age, and the dinosaurs will have re-evolved before I find our way out of here. Heh, dinosaurs already exist - they're called Wrex. Oh fuck, how funny would it be to call Wrex a runty dinosaur? Probably pretty hilarious, for the all of three seconds I'd have before he fed me my own face. And this fucking sucks.

The cause of Shepard's last thought was a large piece of starship that was at least a dozen feet high, and was dug into the wall on both sides of the passage the Spectre was trying to take. Unwilling to go back, he gritted his teeth and started ascending the large purple incline. After an eon, Spike stood proudly at the top and rejoiced at his success - and the sight that greeted him. Garrus and Captain Anderson were picking their way through the wreckage, scanning for any sign of survivors. Shepard felt like he ran down the decline towards them, although to Garrus it looked more like a geriatric shuffle than the commander's normal sprint. The turian jogged forward to help Spike carry Tali, while Anderson turned and called for a stretcher for the quarian. A pair of navy medical corpsmen hurried forward, pulling a hovering cart that ghosted over the top of the ruined floor. When they reached the three commandos, they attempted to take Tali from Shepard.

When the Spectre leveled a glare at the two that could best be described as "glacial," the two younger military agents took several quick steps backwards. Garrus stepped forward and pulled the stretcher closer, and Shepard laid Tali upon it with a tenderness that was surprising to everyone but the C-Sec detective. Garrus looked his C.O. over, and couldn't help but wince slightly at what he saw. The whole left side of the Predator M X armor, from feet to shoulders, was cracked and buckled, as though Hephaestus himself had been using the suit as an anvil. Upon closer inspection, most of the armor that was supposed to be covering Spike's left ribs and back was actually missing. Small streams of blood were running over the exposed skin and undersuit, some disappearing under the leg plates and some trickling over the outer layer. "You've seen better days, Shepard."

"Ya think?" The human responded, with no real heat.

"I do." The turian replied, deadpan. "Did you know that you're missing a large section of your armor?"

"Huh." The commander couldn't even be bothered to look for the missing section, so tired was he. "That would explain why I hurt like a bitch and my armor keeps telling me it's dispensing medi-gel but I'm not feeling any better."

"Probably. Here." The turian said, and began to manually apply some medi-gel to Shepard's side. The commander winced at the unpleasant pressure, but relaxed slightly as the soothing effect of the medical miracle began to hit him. "That should keep you from bleeding out until you can get to Doctor Chakwas."

"Thanks, Garrus." The Spectre answered, with real emotion this time.

With the uncomfortably-emotional moment done, the two men from the Normandy began leading the hovering platform towards the exit, with Spike leaning heavily upon one side of it. Chagrined, the two medical personnel followed meekly, hoping that at some point along the way they could muster up the courage to take back control of the situation. The weird fivesome had only taken three or four steps when a voice suddenly called out from their left.

"Commander Shepard!"

Both the commander and his turian comrade recognized the voice, and they both began spewing internal invectives at the speaker. Garrus turned to his friend and said "We can probably just keep walking and ignore him."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, but then he'd probably follow us, yelling all the way. And there's no way I want him anywhere near Tali when she needs medical attention." He thought for a second, and then spoke again. "So go. Get Tal to Doctor Chakwas and make sure she gets taken care of. If anybody gives you any trouble along the way, including those two pussies back there," he indicated the navy guys behind them, "use my Spectre authority. And if they still don't do what you say, just shoot them in the leg or something, and I'll deal with it later."

"Commander Shepard!" The voice called out again, drawing a wince from both of the fighting men.

Spike's obvious sincerity, especially regarding shooting recalcitrant bystanders, caused Garrus to laugh despite the situation. "I'll take care of her, Shepard."

"Thanks buddy." With a well-hidden expression of distaste, the commander disengaged from the stretcher and fought back a gasp as his full weight once again settled onto his lower body. "And let the Doc know that I'll be placing myself in her caring hands just as soon as I can. For real this time." He tacked on at his companion's look of disbelief. Then he set a look of anger on his face (which wasn't difficult), squared his shoulders, and turned to address the yelling annoyance.

"What do you want, Udina?" Shepard snarled.

That response brought the human ambassador up short. As though he could sense the impending confrontation, which he probably could, Anderson quickly joined them.

"I do not like your tone, Shepard." Udina said officiously. "In light of your recent transgressions against me, I would advise you to be more polite. I can make your life very difficult, you know."

"Oh really? More difficult than stopping Saren? More difficult than killing him twice? More difficult than creating the situation that led to the death of a Reaper? And why am I not surprised that everybody else here is dirty, and yet you somehow look pristine in your white suit? Could you be any more useless and self-serving? Do us all a favor, and go find a nice quiet corner and curl up and die."

Anderson winced, and Udina began to go purple with rage. Before he could explode, however, Shepard heard yet another voice from his personal list of "people I could happily live the rest of my life without ever hearing from ever again."

"Spectre Shepard." This voice was not human, and definitely not male.

"Councillor Tevos." Shepard responded with a sigh, as he turned and saw all three members of the Council approaching the three-human powwow. This is just a great fucking end to a terrible fucking day. What I wouldn't give to be doped up in the med-bay right now. And that's something I never thought I'd hear myself say. Or think? What-the-fuck-ever. I really need some help. "Something else I can do for you?"

The asari raised one faux-eyebrow at the implied reference to Shepard's instructions to the human fleet to save the Council. "We thank you for your assistance, Spectre. Without you, it is unlikely that we would have survived." She said elegantly.

No fucking shit. "You're welcome. Now if there's nothing else-"

The asari saw where Shepard was going, and headed him off. "Actually, Spectre, we needed to speak with you." She waited until he nodded his head in acceptance. "This attack has made it evident that the rest of the galaxy can no longer ignore the many contributions humanity can make to our collective well-being. The Council has agreed that it is time for your species to take on a more prominent role."

Shepard thought he knew what she was getting at, but his light-headedness compelled him to ask and make sure. "Which means what, exactly?"

"We are offering humanity a seat on the Council!" Sparatus said angrily, his distaste for Shepard, humanity, and the situation as a whole making itself clear.

"Just making sure, Councillor." Somehow, Spike managed to make everyone present hear "motherfucker" when he said "Councillor."

"Yes." Tevos appeared momentarily flustered, but quickly returned to her customary even keel. "As perhaps the most famous human alive, and the Savior of the Citadel, we would like to know whom you would recommend for the position. Your word would certainly carry a tremendous amount of weight during the negotiations."

That's just fucking great. Just what I want, another gods-damned title. "Huh. And you want my opinion on this? You do realize that I'm the guy you call in when you want stuff blown the fuck up, not talked out, right?"

"We do." The asari said, managing to control her desire to wince at the commander's inimitable way with words.

"Right." Shepard was clearly stunned, and stood motionless for a moment. To everyone else, he appeared to be thinking deeply. Inside his armor, though, he had just blacked out for a little bit. I need to get this shit over with, right the fuck now. There's no way I'm passing out in front of the people currently occupying the top four slots on my "least fucking favorite people" list. "Right. Okay, so, I'm gonna make this quick. First, and most importantly, do not let that guy," he pointed dramatically at Udina, "anywhere near the Council. If you do, I'll denounce my human citizenship, and the Council, and join one of the anti-Council races." Probably the quarians. I'll just move in with Tali, and wear a sweet-ass exosuit all the time. Sounds like fun.

"What?!" Udina yelled, his hands fisting at his sides.

"Did I fucking stutter?" Shepard retorted, turning on him. "You're a useless fucking twat who's only purpose on the Council would be to provide an extra coupla fuckable holes for their nightly gang-bangs." Every person not named Shepard winced at that, but the commander just kept on going, irrespective of how much it hurt to be angry right now. "I trust you to stand up for humanity's best interests about as far as I could throw Sovereign, pre-his-ass-getting-blown-the-fuck-up. Hell, I don't think you could pick humanity's best interests out of a lineup you cunt-punting fucktard."

It took several long seconds of silence before anyone could come up with something to say. Finally, it was Councillor Tevos who pulled herself together enough to speak. "Ah. I see, Spectre. Am I to understand that you endorse Captain Anderson for humanity's seat?"

"What?" Shepard asked, spinning to face the Council with his mouth agape. "How do you get that? Fuck no." Then he seemed to realize what he had said, and turned to Anderson to apologize. All the moving made him even dizzier, and it took him a moment to collect himself and actually speak. "Sorry, Captain. It's just that you remind me of an older, less, um, tall, version of me. And I know for a fact that I'd flay the motherfucker alive that was responsible for me getting a diplomat's job. You and me, we're fighters. We're not supposed to sit in meetings and committees, talking about interest rates and trade disagreements and whatnot all day." He turned back to the Council. "I'd recommend Anderson to be the new Councillor's military advisor and liaison to the armed forces, because he'd be great at that. But he doesn't deserve having to be a politician all day, every day. He's too good a man for that."

Anderson visibly puffed up at that, although he still looked a little disappointed at how quickly Shepard had rejected the idea of him as a Councillor. Deep down, the captain realized that he wouldn't enjoy such a position; but the idea of it was still new enough to have been awfully enjoyable.

"Then who do you suggest, Commander?" Tevos' tone and the way she was no longer using his Council title indicated her unhappiness.

Shepard was too far gone to notice little things like social cues, though. So he ignored the subtext and gave what he thought was a solid, if messy, answer. "I'd say look for someone in one of the other human ambassadorial offices, especially the ones dealing with salarians and turians. And I don't just mean the ambassadors, I mean their entire staffs. Especially look for someone who was either shunted or demoted to their position on the word of that fuckface," he pointed to Udina, who bristled once again, "or is constantly arguing against anything that idiot comes up with. That's probably a pretty good indicator of both their character and their intelligence. Oh, and I'd say go for a woman if you can."

The asari Councillor couldn't resist interjecting a question at this point. "A woman? Surely you would be concerned for her virtue during our 'nightly gang-bangs?'"

Spike couldn't help but chuckle at the insanity of hearing a Councillor talk about gang-bangs, which he immediately regretted as it made his chest pulse with agonizing pain. He led with yet another dig at Udina. "I'm sure she's strong enough to stick up for herself and make you realize that 'no means no.' But the more important reason is that two women and two men looks a hell of a lot better than one woman and three dudes. Because a three to one ratio just screams 'gang-bang.'" This made him chortle again, followed by another wave of pain.

Councillor Tevos appeared to take his words seriously, and then nodded. Shepard looked around for any other comments from the peanut gallery, but nothing appeared to be forthcoming. He sighed in relief, and made his excuses to leave. "Right. Well, thanks for the chat. It's been great and all, but I've got an appointment with my girlfriend and a Doctor - and yes, that's two different people. By the way, Anderson?" The captain and the commander made eye contact, and an understanding passed between them at Spike's next words. "I'm gonna be taking a few weeks of leave once the Doc clears me to travel. I won't be available for jack shit, and if I start getting bothered by anybody, I'm letting loose with both barrels. Whether those barrels will be verbal or physical, well, I'll let you figure it out. See you around."

With his parting words delivered, Shepard turned and began his slow trek towards the docking bays. A message on his omni-tool made him look down and grin.

"Spike,

The Normandy's in her usual docking bay. Tali's fine, and Doctor Chakwas is looking forward to seeing you. Her words, and I quote: 'If he's not here in 15 minutes, I'm going to dope him up with enough tranquilizers to keep an elcor down for a month, and tell Tali that he's being treated for every STD humans can possibly get. And then, when he wakes up, if she's still with him I'm buying him his own exosuit and a ticket to the Flotilla.' Is Udina still alive?

Garrus"

Sure, he was still in a tremendous amount of pain. But he had a good crew, great friends, and an amazing girlfriend. For now, it was pretty good to be Adalrico 'Spike' Shepard.

THE END?*

*Please see Author's Profile for an explanation of the question mark.