It's been a long time since I posted anything here but I'm really hoping to get back into it. I still love Jyler, so, so much and I would really like to write more for them. so here's something I've been working on for a while, finally finished it. It's kind of long and maybe sad...I don't know. :)

Falling to Pieces

Jeremy has a really tough time after his parents pass away. Like a really tough time. He doesn't go to school for a week after the accident. He falls off the grid. His aunt who has moved into the house and will probably take care of Elena and himself now that they're essentially orphans, is fine with him being truant for the time being. It's not like he'd retain anything the teachers would say considering how lost and hopeless he is right now.

The accident happens on a rainy Saturday night. The whole town knows by the next day. No one's surprised when Jeremy and Elena aren't in school on Monday and the lack of surprise remains when Tyler and Stefan don't show up either.

He feels like he's in a fog, a dense, grief riddled fog. It's heavy and it hurts and he can't breathe. Like he physically can't get his lungs to work properly, he's suffocating on this feeling, this loss. He'll never be the same. He'll never be okay. He's sure of it, he's never going to come back from this, losing his parents, the two people he's relied on and loved and needed his whole life. The two people who loved him more than anything are gone and are never again going to smile at him or look him in the eyes and tell him the things he needs to hear.

The news of the accident had hit him like a freight train and it's like he's still being run over by that train. As if box car after 50 ton box car are continuously running over him, crushing him, breaking his bones, ramming him into the tracks and he can't get up because this train, this never ending train of despair just keeps on coming, the ache just keeps getting worse.

He vaguely remembers rushing to the hospital after getting the news. He and Tyler had been snuggled up in his room watching a movie on his laptop when the house phone started ringing. He almost didn't get up to answer it. He almost wishes he hadn't. Tyler was quick to follow him when he ran out of the house, grabbed the keys from his shaking fingers and guided him around to the passenger side of the car.

And then he's breaking down in the waiting room of the hospital after hearing a doctor say there was nothing he could do. And he only barely recalls crumbling right in the middle of the hospital, feeling his chest tighten and his legs give out and thank gosh Tyler was there to catch him, that's the part he can picture the clearest, Tyler being right there to wrap around him, cushion his fall.

He doesn't remember the funeral.

It happens for him in a blur of other people's tears and condolences and numbness. It doesn't feel real. As if this isn't really happening to him, he's watching this happen to somebody else. Seeing brief snaps and quick glimpses at this poor guy who just lost his mom and dad, the picture is grainy and the quality poor and all Jeremy can think is, is this honestly happening, to me? It can't be.

But it is.

The only thing he really remembers is Tyler. How Tyler kept squeezing his hand through the ceremony, and whispered his love for him into his ear when he would gasp occasionally as a new wave of pain washed over him, paralyzing him, wiping him out. Tyler would pull him close, closer till Jeremy was molded to his side, leaning into him fully, till Tyler was supporting his weight completely.

And his memory is foggy about what happens after the funeral. Maybe, he kind of remembers how after they finished at the cemetery they had a little lunch at the house. It doesn't feel real. Nothing feels real anymore. But it had to be real because there were people in his house that his aunt had back for sandwiches and drinks but Jeremy couldn't listen to everyone talk about his parents in the past tense. But Tyler, bless his soul, could see this and was quick to drag him away to the sanctuary of his room. It stands out in his mind vividly how the moment Tyler left the room again to get them something to eat, was like the dam broke. He ripped off his jacket, kicked off his shoes as his breaths came quicker, he'd never had a panic attack before but he supposed this is what one felt like. He began to shake and his skin felt like it was shrinking, the walls began closing in as it hit him that he'd never, ever see his parents again. He'll never hear them exchange 'I love you's" and he'll never hear his mom's laughter again or his dad's funny impersonations of their relatives or smell his moms cooking or see his dad conk out in the recliner before the pre-game show even finishes. He doesn't want to think about it. He can't. It's real if he thinks about it.

He's about three tugs away from strangling himself with his tie when Tyler comes back into the room; the water bottles slip from his fingers as he tosses the plate of food on the dresser, takes two big steps towards Jeremy. His hands reach up to smooth out his arms, curls his hands over Jeremy's fingers till they release the mangled fabric.

"Hey, hey let me," he whispers, works loose the knot that Jeremy had only made tighter, doesn't comment or push when the other refuses to meet his gaze, distant bloodshot eyes instead remain down turned toward the floor.

Tyler's hands move gently over Jeremy's body, his fingers make short work of the buttons on his dress shirt, the belt goes next then the zipper of his slacks, Jeremy stiffens briefly before Tyler soothes him with a kiss to his forehead.

"M'not trying anything Jere, just wanna get ya into somethin' you can breathe in."

Jeremy doesn't say it out loud but he's incredibly grateful for that because he really couldn't breathe in his suit, the whole day it simply felt like he couldn't get enough air in his lungs to function. But the more he thinks about it the more he wonders if it was really the suit. Or was the fact that he'd never see his parents again what was really suffocating him?

Tyler helps him into sweatpants and a pullover that Jeremy had borrowed from him a while back and never returned, before falling into bed, curling up within the messy sheets that he couldn't be bothered to straighten up even though Jenna had asked him to this morning.

He reaches for Tyler when he doesn't follow him immediately, tries to blink back the tears because he needs him close right now, Tyler's presence is the only thing keeping him together, was the only thing that kept him together all day, all week, since it happened.

"Just takin' off my shoes pumpkin," Tyler says softly, jacket and tie find a home on the desk. Jeremy watches him pick up his suit jacket, tie and pants from the floor and hang them over the back of his desk chair without a word and finally he's sliding in beside him.

Jeremy molds to his side without a moment's hesitation and Tyler's arms come up to wrap around his back and shoulders like he'd been waiting all day just to hold him close like this.

It's in Tyler's arms that Jeremy finds he's able to breathe, really breathe and though it hurts a little bit it's still something.

He's able to relax and not think if he wants, but it's curled against Tyler's side, head pillowed on his chest that he really loses it. He can't stop, can't fight the tears as his boyfriend holds him closer, just lets him cry into his shirt, cradles the back of his head as he shudders and sobs and has the briefest thought that thank god he has Tyler. Never in a million years would Jeremy have made it through this in one piece had Tyler not been there with him.

He's thankful but also scared because he knows it's not over yet and it'll be a long time before he feels even remotely okay again.

Fear fills him instantly at the thought of having to go back to school. He can practically see them now, the sideways glances and the pitying stares. He can hear the whispers, the soft condescending comfort.

Jeremy's dreading it; all of it and all he wants to do is curl back up in bed and never leave the warm embrace of his comforter and worn sheets. They smell like sorrow and tears but if he buries his nose in his pillowcase long enough he can get the tiniest whiff of laundry detergent, his mom washed these for him the morning of the accident.

He doesn't want to see anybody, his friends, his classmates; he doesn't want anybody to see him. Can't he just hide in here for a little while longer? Can't he just disappear for a while so nobody can ask him how he's doing and nobody can look at him like he's a million tiny fractured pieces of a person that's been haphazardly taped back together just for the sake of getting by…like he's seconds from breaking apart again and taking everyone in the vicinity down with him?

Jeremy can admit that he's broken, okay, he is but why does it matter? So what, they can't fix him, nobody can, they can't bring his parents back, Tyler can't make this better, he takes some of his pain away but he can't always be there and when he's gone it's a thousand times worse. Tyler thinks he helps but now that the initial wave of his grief has receded all he's left with is this empty space in his chest that, try as he might, Tyler can't fix. He can't, nobody can and Jeremy's okay with that, he's started to accept that he'll probably never be okay again, he'll never be the same person so why can't everybody else?

***
"I can pick you up tomorrow morning," Tyler says like it's a brilliant idea, "We can go in together, maybe stop for coffee or something before school."

Jeremy bites his lip to keep the scoff from escaping, resists the urge to toss his phone across his room. Maybe it would break and then he'd never have to talk to anyone about this ever again.

The thought makes him laugh. It's so stupid. He knows peace isn't something he gets to have now, knows that if he did that Tyler would just come over, jump through his window to cuddle and coddle him till Jeremy stopped fighting. Lucky for Tyler and everyone else he's almost all out of fight. Which he assumes is what his sister and aunt and Tyler and Ric and even Stefan are hoping for. They want him to throw up his hands and just accept that his parents are dead and gone and never coming back. He's thought about it, it's all he can think about. He knows they're gone and he knows he has to learn how to get along, but he also knows this has damaged him beyond repair.

"No I'm good," the sound of his own voice makes him cringe; he sounds so strung out even to his own ears.
"Are you sure babe," he tries not to be annoyed at Tyler's tone, it's so gentle. He wishes everyone would just stop treating him like he's gonna crumble. Well, okay, fine he might but that doesn't mean he likes people knowing. It shouldn't bother him; he knows that, it's Tyler. Tyler his boyfriend, his werewolf boyfriend who he's 99.9% sure he's gonna mate with one day but it still irks him. Does he have to sound so goddamn patronizing?

"Yes I'm sure," he snarls, "Jesus Christ." It's honestly getting harder and harder to talk to people. He's just so fed up with this and people and Tyler and his sister and his aunt and everybody.

"Jere baby I-"

"I've gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow," he sounds like a brat; he knows he does but at this point he doesn't care. If Tyler's going to talk to him like he's a child then he's going to act like one.

"Jeremy-"

"Bye," he hangs up before Tyler can get another word out and for a moment he feels vindicated and when the feeling begins to fade to something more sour he shakes it away. Shakes it off before guilt can get a grip on him and he gives in and calls Tyler back and apologizes for his attitude and how he just acted. But he won't because he knows what he'll hear, "oh baby it's okay, I understand, I'm not mad, do you wanna talk about it?" Fuck no, he doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't want to talk about it ever.

He ignores his phone when it rings again and then three more times in rapid succession then starts beeping with text messages, and somebody remind him why he decided to get involved with a protective, overbearing pain in the ass named Tyler Lockwood. He shuts the damn thing off.

He closes his eyes and lets the silence swallow him. Before he shuffles to his bed he makes his way over to his window to shut and lock it. He collapses onto the mattress with a heavy sigh, he doesn't brush his teeth, he doesn't get changed, he just pulls the covers over his face, lets the hot air fill him up. His head begins to swim and his eyes water but sleep is quick to claim him and for that he's grateful.

Jeremy knows going back to school is going to be hell and quite frankly he's absolutely dreading it. He trudges down the stairs with heavy feet and an even heavier heart. He tries, and fails to return the smile Jenna sends him as he drops into one of the stools at the counter; she slides him a plate of eggs and bacon, the smell makes his stomach turn.

He ignores Elena's bittersweet smile and warm compassionate eyes. For a moment, and only a moment he feels bad for acting so frigid towards her, she's going through the exact same thing he is. She lost their parents too, he isn't the only one suffering, he knows that but this is how he's chosen to deal with this. He shuts her out, he shuts everyone out. It's what he feels like he has to do.

Everything within him clenches, his skin feels 3 sizes too tight, his eyes itch and his body shakes as he eyes the doors of the school with an eerie sense of foreboding, not at all looking forward to what awaits him beyond those doors. He can feel something is going to happen or rather he isn't going to be able to get through the day, not in one piece, no way. People pass him, people he knows, people he has classes with, people he only barely recognizes, everybody looks at him like they're wondering if they should say something to him or just keep walking. Thankfully they all keep walking. He takes a deep breath, walks through the doors. Avoiding everybody's guarded glances, shoulders hunched and hands clenched tight around his backpack straps. He makes a beeline for his locker; if he just gets there he can get his stuff and hide in the bathroom or the library till the bell rings. The whispers start as he reaches his locker block, sense memory helps him find the dial and enter the combination, the door swings with a metallic creak but it isn't enough to drown out the pitying whispers behind his back, the 'poor Jeremy's' and 'I can't believe he's back,' 'he looks like shit,' 'yeah well you would too if your parents just died'. Jeremy shivers, stares into his locker with unseeing eyes, he blinks hard against the tears. He doesn't want to cry again, he doesn't want to cry anymore.

He feels sick, like he's going to throw up, he can't do this, he whips his head around to look for his best escape route. He can feel the makings of an anxiety attack creeping up on him, his vision blurs and his head swims, his heart feels like it might beat out of his chest but at least the pounding drowns out the whispers in the hall. He needs to get out of here. He needs Tyler, dammit, he needs Tyler so bad. He just wants to be wrapped up in his arms, breathe him in and allow Tyler to keep him safe from this. He shouldn't have hung up on him last night, he shouldn't have let himself get so bothered by his boyfriend's concern…he was only trying to help, make him feel better. And he does, he really does, he's the only one who has been able to reach Jeremy through all this but in the moment Jeremy didn't want to talk, he was sick of talking and sick of being sad and sick of everything but he's a different kind of sick right now. He actually might throw up right here in the hallway, he starts walking, to where he doesn't know but his feet carry him somewhere fast. He'll get out of here, head for the bleachers or maybe the picnic area that's likely to be deserted right now and he'll call Tyler and ask him to take him home and Tyler will fix him, he'll hold him till he's fixed, love him till he's fixed and he can get better in Tyler's arms and sleep and sleep and sleep. And when he wakes up maybe the sun will be out and the clouds will have cleared and his grief won't feel like a wound that can't be healed.

Jeremy does his best to try and become invisible as he makes his way down the hall when someone grabs his arm and yanks him sideways into a classroom. An empty classroom he notices with watery eyes.

He knows it's Tyler before he even looks up. He relaxes into those familiar arms when they wrap around him, sniffles as Tyler tightens his embrace. Jeremy turns to bury his head in Tyler's shoulder, and wonders how he got so lucky to have somebody who knows him this well, can read him when they aren't even together and who always knows exactly what he needs without him having to ask. Tyler could be on the other side of the world and he would be able to tell if Jeremy was in trouble, was freaking out, was in need of a little comfort.

Jeremy ducks his head so Tyler can't see his tears.

"Hey," Tyler whispers, moving to try to get Jeremy to look at him but he won't.

He buries his head further in Tyler's shoulder, "How'd you know," Jeremy's breath hitches. He sniffles again. Tyler wipes the tears from his cheeks, kisses at his face. He smooths his fingers over his skin, down the back of his neck, under his chin, over his cheek to rub along his jaw, Tyler uses his grip on him to pull him closer, tuck Jeremy snug against his chest.
"I could hear your heartbeat, what happened, what's wrong,"

"I can't do this Ty," his voice breaks over the sentence. "I can't, everybody's looking at me and whispering and I can't take it, I can't do this."

Tyler hushes him, kisses his head and rubs circles into his hunched shoulders, "You can Jere, you can…I know you can."

"No Ty, I can't, I don't want to, I just wanna sleep."

He can feel Tyler stiffen against him, his words make Tyler freeze but his hands start moving again as if they didn't stop. "Did you sleep last night?" His voice is thin, pinched.

He shakes his head, whispers "no," into Tyler's skin. Tyler stiffens again but relaxes when Jeremy makes a tiny sound in his throat. He calms himself down so Jeremy can calm down. Tyler takes a deep breath and Jeremy can hear the steadying beat of his heart where his ear is pressed to his shoulder. He's never coming out of his hiding spot, his warm, Tyler scented hiding spot. "Well yes but not for long, I kept waking up," He nuzzles his head till his nose is smushed against Tyler's throat, he feels Tyler's nose move along his forehead and hairline, breathing in and out evenly. "I'm sorry I snapped last night, you didn't do anything and I was being a bitch,"

"No you weren't baby," Tyler kisses his hair, smooths his fingers through the little tangles, "You were upset it's fine, you have every reason to be hurting."

"Well I shouldn't do that…push people away, it's what I do and I'm sorry."

"It's okay sweetie,"

"I just wanna be close to you Ty,"

"I'm right here Jere." Tyler nudges him out and away from his neck, kisses his forehead, "I'm right here." Jeremy begins to cry then, really cry, he can't stop it but Tyler holds him tighter, begins to rock him, humming softly by his ear and the sound calms him. Tyler's chest rumbles beneath him, a gentle noise that washes peace over Jeremy till he can't help but feel better.

"If you wanna go baby I'll take you home," Tyler whispers and Jeremy starts to nod his head but Tyler keeps talking to him softly. "But if anybody can get through this, it's you."

Jeremy pulls back to look at him, he stares with big watery eyes, and his lip quivers with the force of biting back his sobs. Tyler gives him a small reassuring smile.

"You're so strong Jere, stronger than anybody I've ever met and you can do this. You can get through today. I know you can, you have what one class, then a study hall."

Jeremy nods his head. "And then art."

"Right then art, and then lunch and then civics which we have together," Tyler kisses him between the eyes; they slip shut as Tyler's lips press firmly to his head. "We can make it through today, you and me, and then I'll take you home, we can barricade ourselves in your room and hide there till you're aunt forces me to leave."

"Then you'll sneak back in through my window," Jeremy can't help the watery laugh.

"You bet," Tyler says and in it Jeremy hears 'I'm gonna be here till you no longer want me, I'm not ever gonna leave you, not when you need me'.

They look at each other for a long time, people move continuously down the hallway, past this empty classroom and any minute now the bell is going to ring and they'll have to separate at least until lunch. Jeremy can make it till lunch, he can, he will.

"Okay," Jeremy says, nods his head, "okay I can do it."

Tyler's small smile turns into a full blown grin, "Yes you can."

Jeremy leans back into him, snuggles up to him because he can do this but that doesn't mean he's ready to leave his boyfriends' arms just yet. Tyler's fingers find their way under his chin, tilts his head up as he presses a kiss to Jeremy's lips. Jeremy sighs; feeling like every piece of him that had been out of place these last several days is fitting itself back into place where they belong. He still feels weary and maybe a little out of sorts but he's better, surely he's better. They kiss for a long time, softly, chastely, it doesn't go anywhere, doesn't progress, it's a simple kiss but it's a promise of stability, of healing and a tomorrow that will be far better than today.

Jeremy whines when they pull apart. Tyler laughs as he rubs his fingers across Jeremy's face, ridding his cheeks of any stray tears; he smooths Jeremy hair off his forehead, smiles at him in a way that has him smiling back. He can't remember the last time he smiled.

"Text me if you need me okay, if you start to freak out, let me know and we can get out of here."

Jeremy laughs then, bubbly and alive, "Like you wouldn't come running anyway if you heard me freaking out."

"Hey," Tyler says, mildly defensive but he's grinning like a doofus, a doofus that Jeremy's all sorts of crazy about, "I can't help that I can always hear your heartbeat. I just automatically pick it out, it's not my fault." It's a wolf thing. They've had this conversation before, several times, how Tyler's addicted to him, the sound of his voice, the measure of his breathing, the beat of his heart. He can't help it; it's completely out of his control how when he's in a crowded room he can pick Jeremy's steady pulse out. At school he can pick up on it from the other side of the building, drown in it till it's all he can hear and everything else is merely white noise.

When they're in the car Tyler will drum his fingers on the steering wheel to the steady cadence of Jeremy's heart. It happened so often, Tyler would bring up his love for his heartbeat in little ways, like pressing kisses to his pulse when they parted between classes or rubbing his thumb over his wrist to feel the rush beneath his skin. Simple things, simple things that meant everything. Simple things that he thought about more and more since his parents passed that brought him back to himself, brought him out of his funk, made him happy, made him hopeful.

The bell ringing jarred him from his thoughts; he smiled at Tyler smiling back at him. Accepted the kiss he gave him, held tight to his hand when Tyler pulled him from the room. It was easy in fact which shocked him more than he could ever truly express. The stares he received still annoyed him but with Tyler's hand in his he felt more invincible than anything else. He could do this, they could stare all they wanted because he has Tyler and that meant he has more than enough to get by.

Tyler walked him to his first class, holding him tight like he didn't want to let him go. He sat quietly through his first class which happened to be English. They were discussing a short story they had read for homework which Jeremy obviously hadn't read so he couldn't participate in the talk they were having about themes and real world relation. He listened for a while but found himself spacing out, glad that nobody was pushing him to talk, they left him alone, treated him like they always did and Jeremy appreciated that. Tyler was right; he could do this, take a couple deep breaths and get through this. One class at a time, he could do this.

They met up in the library during Jeremy's study hall which got him a scolding from Jeremy but Tyler just shrugged saying, "it didn't matter. Missing one gym class isn't gonna kill me besides all the PE teachers love me and I have an A so whatever." Jeremy narrowed his eyes at him to which Tyler just smiled and pulled his chair closer.

He helped him sort through all his makeup work before he leaned into him. Jeremy startled slightly when Tyler pressed his lips behind his ear; he shivered as he felt Tyler smile against his skin. Jeremy ducked his head as Tyler laughed softly, fondly and sighed knowing that Tyler could, without a doubt, feel his heart pick up slightly, just like it always did when Tyler was close to him. He shoved at his idiot werewolf boyfriend, stuck his tongue out at Tyler's dorky grin which only made him light up further, he came back for more, licked at Jeremy's ear till he stopped squirming. Tyler gave a small growl that could only be described as triumphant.

"Can I tell you a secret," Tyler whispered, warm breath making Jeremy's skin tingle, he sagged in his seat. Tyler proceeded to press kisses down the side of his face. He stopped, annoyingly right at the corner of his mouth. Jeremy turned to look at him, mouth turned up with a small smile. He raised an eyebrow when Tyler didn't continue.

"Ty,"

"Sorry, I-uh sorry, sorry," he cleared his throat and looked away for a second, obviously flustered though Jeremy didn't know why. "Uh my mom said that the parks department is in the process of building a new park and I asked…uh they're gonna name it after, no I mean it's gonna be dedicated to your parents."

Jeremy blinked at him; he shook his head, confused. "What?"

Tyler huffed a laugh, scooted closer till his arm was around the back of Jeremy's chair; he felt fingers move over his shoulder. "My mom is heading up development of a new park and it's going to be dedicated to your parents."

Jeremy scrunched his eyebrows together still not understanding what Tyler was saying to him.

"What,"

Tyler dropped his head to his shoulder, defeated. "I know you heard me."

"Yeah. Yeah I did but I don't get it."

Tyler sighed, "I remember once you told me that your happiest memories as a kid were of sunny weekends spent at the park, catching butterflies with Elena, being chased around by your dad and listening to your mom laugh as you fed the ducks by the pond. I just thought…I don't know, just thought that it'd be nice to commemorate them in a way that would bring back happy memories." He looked so vulnerable staring at him with big eyes; he actually looked like he might cry. Jeremy would laugh if he wasn't so shocked by all this, and also slightly terrified that Tyler was losing it. "Never mind it's probably too soon to talk about any of this…sorry, change of subject. So you gotta do a book report for English right, you could probably do it on one you've already read, easier that way I think then you don't have to read a new book, not that you're a slow reader but just with everything you have to catch up on it'll be one less thing to worry about." He took a deep breath after his semi rant/freak out, let it out in a rush, turning the right way in his seat. He hunched over a piece of paper outlining the English assignment in question but Jeremy could tell he wasn't actually reading it.

Jeremy reached out to take Tyler's hand in his. Tyler twitched, eyes flicking to the side but he didn't turn to look at him.

"I don't know what to say," he cleared his throat as he got a little bit choked up. In the middle of everything, in the midst of all the turmoil he's been through recently this boy, this wonderful, amazingly perfect boy could still make him feel special and cherished and adored. Tyler was his light at the end of the tunnel, he'd always be there and he'd never ever leave him to suffer in darkness.

"You don't have to say anything," Tyler whipped around, "forget I mentioned it okay, we can talk about it some other time."

"Might be the sweetest thing you've ever done for me," Jeremy said, ducking his head as Tyler stared at him with heart-wrenching fondness. "It was your idea wasn't it?"

It was Tyler's turn to duck away, "yeah, I suggested it." Shy Tyler was new, something Jeremy wasn't at all used to but he wasn't exactly against it. He found he actually quite liked this bashful part of his boyfriend, his boyfriend who was usually only too eager to shine and show off and be the center of attention.

And just like that it was gone. Tyler beamed at Jeremy, wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in close. "I've been desperate to help you babe but haven't really known how, I just feel like I'm not doing enough and this just…it seems like a good way to keep their memory alive." Tyler appeared to regret his words the second he said them, if he could snatch them out of the air between them Jeremy knew that he would. Only Jeremy didn't want him to. He let the words sink in, a park; in his parents' name was a great way to keep their memory alive. It was, it really was and he was surprised that the words didn't hurt. If he thought about it much longer they might start hurting but right now, looking at Tyler, the love of his life, his soulmate, his life preserver— it didn't hurt. Tyler was everything to him and sitting here, looking at his smile, his warm eyes, Jeremy felt okay. His chest didn't hurt, he could actually breathe and he didn't think he would cry at least not sad tears anyways. If he did cry it would be because Tyler was so thoughtful and good to him and Jeremy didn't know it was possible to be loved like this.

Jeremy leaned into him as much as he could with the arms of their chairs between. "You've been helping Ty, more than you know, I promise, I wouldn't-" Tyler cut him off with a kiss, short and sweet, he brushed their noses together when he pulled back.

"Sorry," Tyler said, almost sheepish, almost, "sorry, couldn't resist."

Jeremy laughed, leaned in but stopped just shy of Tyler's mouth; he bit at his bottom lip and waited. Tyler groaned before closing in, he kissed him as if he'd die otherwise. It was just shy of desperate but Jeremy didn't care. They had a lot to catch up on, he'd put a wall up between himself and Tyler just like everybody else and even though he still kept him nearby, they definitely weren't themselves. Pushing Tyler away was the last thing Jeremy wanted to do right now. He held Tyler's face in his hands to keep him there. Tyler got the message, pressed closer as his mouth worked Jeremy's open under his, he felt Tyler's triumphant smile.

A few whistles from across the library made Jeremy pull away from Tyler with a pop. Tyler licked his lips as Jeremy flopped back in his seat, he didn't stop watching him, his eyes stayed glued to him the whole time even as Matt and few other people came over to ask how he was doing. Jeremy smiled at them, surprised that the question didn't bother him quite like it would have this morning.

Tyler fingers stroked up and down his arm, Jeremy felt his steady gaze on the side of his head, his lips pressed to his cheek.

Jeremy blushed and felt his stomach do a ridiculous tumble at Tyler's behavior and wondered if that would ever stop. Would Tyler ever stop having this effect on him? He was briefly glad that Tyler couldn't hear his stomach flip; he definitely did not need to know he could manage that. Just one more thing for Tyler to always be listening for, no way, no thanks, they really didn't need to explore that.

The rest of the day wasn't nearly as hard as he thought it would be, he had built it up in his mind, expected something absolutely terrible but it wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all. Though he knew he had Tyler to thank for that, his boyfriend's love got him through the day, through this hell he's been living and Jeremy knows without a shred of a doubt that Tyler will be there to get him through everything else, good and bad, he'll be there.

On the car ride back to his house Jeremy scooted across the bench seat till his was pressed to Tyler's side, drained, tired and in need of some comfort. He made it through the day in one piece but he'd be lying if he said that he didn't feel strung out and frayed, tattered. Tyler lifted his arm for Jeremy to settle against him, gave his shoulder a squeeze, kissed his temple for a long moment before returning his attention to the road. Jeremy rested his head back on Tyler's shoulder, gaze fixed on his strong jaw, eyes tracing his stubble, just a faint shadow over his cheeks, along his chin and around his mouth.

"It wasn't so bad right," Tyler asked him, eyes watching the traffic pass through the intersection; his fingers rubbed his shoulder through his t-shirt. "Today, it wasn't horrible was it?"

He made a sound in agreement but it was so warm in Tyler's car, the air was thick and he was so tired, today wore him out. His eyes drifted shut as his head lolled against Tyler's shoulder, he heard the older boy laugh quietly, lips pressed tenderly to the top of his head.

"Wouldn't have made it through any of this without you-" His sentence broke off into a yawn, voice slightly slurred, "Not today, not that night, not any of it," and another yawn swallowed his words.

Jeremy could feel his eyes on him, could practically feel his stare burning a hole into the top of his head. He drifts to sleep feeling safe and warm as Tyler drove them home.

When he wakes up later it's dark outside and he's in his bed. He rolls over and sees Tyler sitting back against his head board with a book open on his legs, he has a pen stuck between his lips and his eyebrows are pulled together either in thought or confusion.

He could just go back to sleep Tyler wouldn't mind and just as his eyes are drifting shut Tyler's hand comes down to rub through his hair. He doesn't say anything so Jeremy lies there waiting.

A few minutes later Tyler is dog-earring the page and tossing the book to the floor, Tyler stretches before moving down the bed, rearranging himself so he's half hovering over Jeremy and half propped up on the mattress. "Thank god," he says "I don't think I could've read any more of that ridiculous book." Jeremy smiles softly; he knows that Cather in the Rye is far from Ty's favorite book the school's made them read.

He looks up at Tyler, nearly chokes when he sees the soft, tender way Tyler's staring back at him, this guy loves him so much, more than he deserves most days. "How'd you sleep," Tyler asks, fingers brushing some of his hair back and away from his face.

Jeremy nods his head with a tiny smile, it's not really an answer but he figures Tyler will understand.

"Jenna said we could come get dinner when you woke up, they ordered pizza I think…you hungry babe?"

Jeremy shakes his head, snuggles closer and sighs when Tyler pulls him against his chest, rolls so Jeremy's laying half on top of him.

"You okay," he asks, kisses the top of his head. Jeremy thinks about it, really thinks about it.

He is, he's okay, for the moment. He's not 100% but one day he's gonna be fine and he won't hurt anymore.

Jeremy nods his head, "I will be," he whispers against Tyler's chest. And it wasn't a lie. One day he would wake up, the sun would be shining, the birds would chirp and the hole in his chest left by the death of his parents wouldn't feel as big. It won't feel like the end of the world. He'll be able to breathe deep and smile wide. He'll have bad days sure but they won't be as often, and the good will far outweigh the bad. He'll be okay with things and as always he'll have Tyler, he'll have Tyler forever thank god. They'll have a life together, maybe a family, some kids and a few dogs, they'll have a house off the beaten path so Tyler can run free during his shift and they won't have to worry about the outside world. They can hide away if they want, just be together with each other.

"I miss them, I will miss them," Jeremy says, fingers tightening in Tyler's shirt as Tyler's lips press his love into his hair. "Forever probably but," he tips his head back smiles at Tyler's soft expression, "I have you and that already makes it better."

He can see the darkness looming at the edge of his vision, his grief resides in that darkness that still threatens to pull him in, consume him and control him, drag him into the pit and leave him to try and pull himself out but with Tyler there next to him that darkness doesn't seem so scary. It actually looks like something he can beat; with Tyler he can beat anything.

Tyler smiles back at him and in lieu of answering he kisses him, promises Jeremy that he'll always be around and he'll help him when he hurts, love him every day just because he can, for the rest of their lives whether Jeremy wants him to or not.

And someday they'll mate and bond and maybe get married in front of all their friends after that and the only downer will be that his parents won't be there to share in his joy but he knows they'll be watching over him. The sun will shine extra bright and he'll know that they're smiling.

It'll be good, he'll be good.

Someday.

Soon.