A Bag of Peanuts and a Ferris Wheel

Hilda waited in line for the Ferris wheel, grasping her $1.50 in a sweaty fist. She stood between a perspiring overweight hiker and a small boy with a finger up his nose.

In all of her journeys, despite battling numerous gym leaders and fighting the villainous Team Plasma, this was the pièce de résistance. Riding the Nimbasa City Ferris wheel. She had dreamed of this even as a little girl, seeing photos of the giant wheel cascading into the sky. A peaceful, breathtaking ride up in the clouds.

She was slowly moving to the front of the line, shuffling her feet in excitement. Her heart rose as the nose-picking little boy entered the Ferris wheel and she stood in front of the ticket taker.

She smiled brightly at the ticket taker, handing him her money in exchange for a ticket, before climbing into the Ferris wheel cart. It was an enclosed compartment with a sealed door and a large window. She almost let out a giddy laugh. This was it! She set down her backpack and looked at the person seated across from her. She froze. Her blood ran cold.

"Oh my God," she said. "It's you."

N blinked at her. One pupil was slightly higher then the other. "Can I touch your hair?"

"What—" The weird, green-haired boy slowly reached out for her ponytail and she slapped his hand away. He smelled like an old chili cheese dog. "Get away from me!"

"I need a piece of your hair for my shrine."

Hilda looked around the compartment wildly, searching for an emergency button or a call line. Nothing. The walls were smooth. She turned back to N. "Touch me and I will break your neck."

He paused, expression blank and unsure, before producing two Twinkies from his knapsack. "I brought snacks for us."

She stared at him, and then the Twinkies. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"A lot of things."

"I've noticed."

"I have two moms and one dad but was raised by Pokémon," he volunteered.

She ignored his statement and pulled out her phone from her pocket, quietly texting 911. SEND HELP. NIMBASA CITY FERRIS WHEEL. I WILL RESORT TO MURDER IN SELF-DEFENSE IF NECESSARY. I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DO SO.

N appeared to be perturbed by her silence, glancing at the cell phone. He fidgeted for a while before whispering, "Want to know a secret?"

Her eyes dragged from her phone to his face, and then back down again.

He paused, before: "I love you!"

She looked up at him for a brief moment, analyzing his physique. No visible muscle definition. Pale. Sickly. Goofy-looking. She could take him in a fight, if he didn't have a gun. She had a pocketknife in her left pocket. "I hate you."

He made to grab her hand but then remembered her previous threat and instead sat back. "Please be my princess."

"No."

"Please?"

"I don't even know your name."

"It's Natural."

"It's Natural? Your name is Natural? Your parents named you Natural?"

"My dad thought it was funny."

She sighed, jiggling her leg and waiting for a response from 911. "Look…Natural. I'm sure you can find another girl to be your princess. I haven't shaved my legs in months and I have a slight mustache on my upper lip that needs waxing. Also, I'm not wearing deodorant."

He paused. "But that's why I love you."

She looked at him incredulously. "You need help."

"Uh…yes I do?" His eyes darted around the compartment, searching for another conversation topic. "So…what's your favorite type of plastic?"

She ignored him.

"UHHH…Did I mention that I'm the leader of Team Plasma? And that I can talk to Pokémon? And that sometimes I play with my belly button? And that I'm allergic to peanuts? And that I have a pet rock named—"

"How allergic?"

"Huh?"

Hilda nonchalantly glanced out of the Ferris wheel window. She was missing a beautiful sunset. "How allergic are you to peanuts?"

"If I eat one I have a hard time breathing and then my dad laughs at me."

She opened up her backpack and dropped a bag of peanuts in her lap. She took one from the bag and held it in N's line of vision. "Eat one of these and I'll be your princess."

He pondered this deal for a minute, before tentatively holding out a shaking pinky finger. "Pinky promise…?"

She looked at his pinky finger. It had probably been inside of his belly button. She ignored the finger and thrust the peanut at him. He looked at the peanut, cross-eyed, before gingerly taking it from her and eating it.

Hilda waited, tensed, almost crouched from her seat, waiting for that exact moment when he started to wheeze and she could grab his throat and strangle him. She remained like that for five minutes before N said, "So, when we get off the ferris wheel, we'll get married?"

A vein in her neck twitched. "How long does it take for your allergy to work?"

"Allergy? Oh!" He laughed. "I was just kidding about the peanut allergy." He paused. "April Fools!"

"IT'S NOVEMBER," she screamed.

"So which color do you like for a wedding dress; baby blue or light pink?"

"Oh, God." She pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a huge sigh. "This ride was supposed to be perfect. And now you're here. And you ruined it. You ruined my ferris wheel trip."

His misaligned pupils lined up for a moment as his mind worked. "Maybe we should put our mouths together."

She stopped, narrowing her eyes. "…what?"

"Maybe…maybe we should each form an O with our mouth and then place them together."

"…kissing?"

His face brightened. "Yes!"

Hilda's mind snapped. She unleashed a shriek of rage and grabbed him by the throat, slamming his head into the Ferris wheel window and then trying to jam his body out of the window.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING," she shrieked, foaming at the mouth. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!"

"Is this love?" N choked.

There was a sudden crunch of metal and the Ferris wheel came to a halt. Hilda froze, pulling back from N as the door of the compartment opened and the ticket taker's face appeared in the doorway. He grinned at her as N scrambled from the window. "The ride is over, miss. I hope you enjoyed the Ferris wheel!"

She stormed from the compartment, pushing the ticket taker aside and heading for the exit of the amusement park. She dug in her backpack for something and pulled out a pill bottle, shaking a pill into her palm before slumping down on a park bench next to some bushes.

As she washed down the headache meds with some water, she was suddenly aware that a face was poking through the bushes next to her.

"Can I touch your hair?" N asked.

She turned around and punched him in the face.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL

I REGRET NOTHING