A/N: In order to be able to make it through this torturously long wait till Season 4, AND after we were tormented and tortured in the season finale, I HAD to write something, SOMETHING that would make me smile. I encourage all of you writers out there to think positively and write me some happiness.

This will be a multichapter story that begins a few weeks after Jerry's death.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to Rookie Blue despite how many times I rub my magic lamp.

THERAPY

Chapter 1 – Numbness and Denial

Frank Best stood poised at the podium at the front of the empty parade room trying to collect his thoughts. It had been three weeks since Jerry's death. Three weeks since his daughter, Maya, was born. He had experienced a rollercoaster of emotions since that day, suddenly hyperaware of the term, "circle of life". He had been handling things, or so he thought. Turns out, a newborn is a great distraction from heartache and reality. Noelle was supportive as usual, assuring him that things would get better, that their colleagues would regroup and somehow move past this. Only,….. things were not getting better. Okay, most of his staff had found a new normal but those closest to Jerry were still struggling. Nash wasn't able to focus, requesting to leave the Detectives rotation and return to patrol. Swarek was, if possible, moodier than normal. And angry. So, so, angry and destroying anyone and anything in his path, including his own relationship. Anyone partnered with him for the day was almost certain to come looking for Best after shift to comment or complain. Even McNally, terminally happy, lover of all people, McNally, was sullen and pouty and not much of a people person of late. Best believed that was due more to her own heartache than the lingering guilt she was feeling over Jerry's death. He found out about the breakup from Oliver, another one who had not quite gotten past his own mourning period. Unfortunately this wasn't the first officer to die at 15 but it was the first time the dead officer happened to be one of his good friends. He himself was not unaffected, nor did he want it to seem that way, but as the commanding officer of the division it was his job to get things back to normal. It was his duty to make sure the streets of Toronto were safe and his mission to make sure that his friends and fellow officers got the help they needed in order to move forward. Easier said than done.

The day shift officers filed into parade just before 8am. Frank discussed the day's news and concluded his briefing by handing out the day's assignments, specifically omitting certain names from his list.

"Would the following officers please hang back….., Swarek, Nash, Shaw and McNally…. everyone else…Serve, protect and stay focused. Dismissed."

Frank watched the curious glances as the officers filed out of parade. Sam remained seated in the back of the room eyes focused ahead. Traci came to sit at the table next to Andy. The two shrugged their shoulders and exchanged small smiles. Oliver scratched a pretend itch at the back of his head. They all braced for what was coming.

"I know you are all having a tough time right now. …I know that we all grieve in different ways…..and for some of us this process takes more time than for others. Unfortunately, for me, for us, for this Division, we don't have the luxury of time. Jerry Barber was an amazing cop, a terrific friend and an even better man. I am not taking his death lightly by any means…. but as staff sergeant of this division it is my job to make sure we all move forward. It is my duty to the people of Toronto to make sure the officers protecting them have their heads on straight and are focused on the job at hand. That being said…..I am putting the four of you on restricted duty. You will not be restored to full duty until you complete the mandated…six sessions of therapy."

The sighs, eye rolls and disgusted groans did not go unnoticed. Frank had expected it. He held his hand up to stop their protests.

"It can be group therapy….you can go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, you can visit with the department shrink or even talk to your neighborhood priest. It's your choice. … BUT I will need a letter from any of the above upon your completion. At that time and only that time, will you set foot back on the streets. Am I understood?"

He was met with silence. "Am….I….Understood?" Andy and Traci were the first to quietly say "Yes sir."

"Oliver?" he glanced over at him.

"Whatever you want Sarge."

"Swarek? Have I made myself clear?"

"As a bell." Sam mocked.

"McNally and Nash, you will be working the front desk today. Shaw, Swarek you will be in booking." He gave a cursory glance to each one before walking toward the exit with a, "Dismissed!"

Andy made her way to the front desk. Therapy? Andy couldn't even imagine discussing Jerry's death with anyone. Now, she was mandated to do so, and the mere thought of it was making her sick. Not only that, since Sam had broken up with her, she found herself a weepy mess, getting upset at the drop of a hat. Best's words were repeating in her head. She was never a religious person so a priest was out and the thought of sitting with a therapist or some professional person where she was the only one there was well… terrifying. It would definitely have to be a group setting. She could blend in and after the required meetings get her letter signed and get back to work as normal.

"Thinking about your visit to the shrink?" Traci mocked.

"Huh? Um, actually, yes. Do you know what you're gonna do?" Andy queried.

"Actually? …. I made an appointment to see the department shrink this morning."

"Oh?...well, that's a good thing, right?"

"Listen Andy, I don't know what the right thing to do here is. I have no idea if I'm ready to talk about Jerry to anyone let alone a shrink. I've been trying to navigate the best I can but then just when I think I'm getting stronger, I break down. I just don't know how to make myself better and If it was just me it would be one thing but I have Leo and if I can't wrap my mind around it, I can't imagine what it's like for him."

"Trace, I have not seen you be anything but a rock around him. That's all anyone could possibly expect from you."

The front doors opened and a woman slowly made her way toward the desk. "Excuse me officers, I need to file a complaint." The women looked up to see an older woman standing at the counter. Andy laid a gentle hand on Traci's arm, "I got this Trace…Hi Ma'am. I'm officer McNally, can I help you?"

Andy had just gotten back from the diner with their lunch order. She was busy splitting a BLT sandwich and a bag of chips for the two of them when Traci interrupted her thoughts. "So what are you gonna do?" Traci asked.

"About?" Andy replied playing dumb.

Traci's voice got quieter, "I know you blame yourself but you can't. Jerry was doing this job a long time before we came along. He was a veteran cop, fully capable of handling himself. The only one responsible for his death is that psycho who killed him. They can train us in the academy for a million situations but nothing can prepare us for the unpredictability of a crazy person. You know that."

"Trace, it's not just me blaming myself. Sam tried to blame me as well. He tried to retract it after the fact. Then again he was probably just trying to throw me a cookie before he shattered my heart into pieces." She munched on a chip.

"Have you talked to him at all?"

"Not since he left me crying like a baby in the Penny parking lot…. in the rain." Andy mocked. Traci tilted her head to the side to look at her friend as she continued. "Trace, I've called him for weeks, it's over... He's over me." she replied almost angrily.

"Andy, I don't know a whole lot right now but I do know how that man looked at you. That does not disappear overnight. I don't know what he's thinking right now, but this isn't him. Maybe this therapy bit will be just what you both need to get past this or possibly it might be just what you need to put you two back together. You know, you might want to chat the good doc about all of it."

"It's not anger,…..I'm hurt,…. and frustrated, and confused…and just heartbroken and how could he….." she suddenly smacked a hand over her mouth.

"Oh my God, Traci, listen to me. Whining to you? I'm an idiot."

"No, you're not an idiot. Actually you're quite a good distraction from my own life. So thanks."

"Anytime." Andy laughed. "I have plenty more drama where that came from. Actually, I think I'm gonna try going to a group tomorrow night. I remember my dad mentioning something about one at the church where he goes for his AA meetings."

"Well good, now we'll have more for you to distract me with during tomorrow's shift." She smirked.

"Hey Sammy, meet Destiny Love, she's in for solicitation and possession." Oliver took her by the arm from the arresting officer and led her handcuffed figure over to the counter to put her personal belongings in a plastic bin as Sam took her information down.

"Great…Okay Miss Love please take a step back and stand on the black line and look toward the camera."

"Hey dark and handsome, anything for you." She purred.

"Oooooh aren't you lucky Sammy, she likes you." Oliver laughed

"Guess it's just my lucky day." He mumbled. " First, an ultimatum to go to the head doc, then ten hours to look forward to in booking and now I get to meet Miss Love." He grumbled as he guided Destiny up to the desk to fingerprint her before putting her in a cell.

"Come on Sugar, the day can't be that bad… You could always come in the cell with me, I'll put a smile on your face."

"No thanks."

"What's wrong sweetie, your girlfriend leave you or something?" Sam flinched at the girlfriend word as he proceeded to release her from her cuffs.

"Have a good day Destiny." Sam scowled as he slammed her cell door shut and walked back toward the desk.

"Hey Shaw, I need to get outta here for a few minutes. Want me to grab us some lunch?"

"Okay Sammy, I'll take my usual but hey, NO pickles."

"Yeah yeah, I know you how long?"

Sam grabbed his jacket and made his way toward the division doors. Nash gave him a nod while Andy was talking to an older woman. He paused to glance at her for a second before quickly heading for the door. He decided to walk up Parliament Street to his favorite deli. It was brisk but sunny and Sam was glad for the silence to clear his head. He hated booking. He much preferred the action of the streets and if he was being completely honest, he preferred the action on the streets…. riding with Andy. God he missed her so much. He had only wanted some time. He just needed some distance from her to get a hold on what had happened but she had sucked him back in and jumbled thoughts just rolled out of his mouth with no filter whatsoever. He missed Jerry. Every time he thought of him he was filled with such sadness it was overwhelming. Not to mention the guilt that he felt for not being there to protect him. Now that he had a little distance from THAT day he realized that even if Andy hadn't been pressing to go see the bartender, he would have done the same thing. The bartender just fit. He had blamed Andy but he knew it wasn't her fault. He would never forget the look on her face when she had asked him, "You blame me for Jerry?" It was so much easier to push it off on everyone else rather than come to the conclusion that the cabbie was a crazy man and Jerry had let his guard down. Look who's talking. He had let his guard down as well. Not with work, that had been a cop out. Andy had great instincts and most of the time her gut was on the right track. It was in their relationship that he had let his guard down. His normally well-built walls were starting to come down and quite frankly he didn't know what to do about it. So he did what he normally did when he got too close to someone, he pushed them away. He had had relationships before but whenever things got too personal, too intense, he made excuses for why things weren't working out and walked away. This time it was different. Same MO for him, only this time he had broken both their hearts. A vision of Andy crying in the rain had been burned into his brain and the fact that he had caused it would be forever tattooed on his heart. He thought it was the right thing. He thought it would make things easier. He never wanted Andy to have to be in Traci's position. Grieving over the loss of the man she loves. She loved. There was no way she could possibly feel the same way now, especially after how he treated her and after walking away when that was the only thing she asked him not to do.

Frank was right. They had to get past this. They had to find a way to move on and by moving on, maybe, just maybe he could move forward. He could get himself well and maybe some way, somehow find a way to make things right with Andy. He certainly owed it to her to try.

I know it's been a while and I'm feeling a bit rusty but please leave me your thoughts...Lisa