A/N: Once again, thank you for the lovely reviews of my last chapter, as always, your kindness is unbelievable. My apologies for the long wait between updates. To the PRO SAM Guest who feels the need to bash the premise of the story in place of leaving a review or helpful criticism: Part of what makes this site fun is that it's FAN -FICTION. We can write about anything we want, with the characters we love. Please don't rant about things that transpired on the show (which I did NOT write). While I think I've been fairly even in the blame game with Sam and Andy, if you disagree, that's fine and maybe this story is not for you. In addition, let's keep in mind that these are made up characters, in a made up relationship on a scripted television show.Save that passion for your real life.

Therapy

Chapter 4-Depression and Sadness

"Thanks for taking a ride with me." Said Traci

"No problem Trace. I've been meaning to go myself." Andy shared.

She pulled Traci's car into the entrance to St. Charles Cemetery. They drove in silence around the winding road that led to section 14. Toronto had been experiencing unseasonably warmer temperatures the past few days, but as soon as they got out of the car and started walking toward the gravesite, a chill ran through their bodies. It wasn't until they got to the row before their destination that they noticed a figure crouched down in front of Jerry's recently constructed headstone. Andy recognized that dark head of hair immediately and froze in place. Traci stopped and looked to her friend whose eyes bore a sudden sadness. They watched Sam from afar, not wanting to intrude on his personal moment. He was moving his arms around and it looked like he was talking. Suddenly, he stood up, placed something on the top of the headstone and with his head down started walking in their direction. When he was merely feet away he looked up and noticed them. His red rimmed eyes opened wide when he saw who was standing in front of him.

"Uh, hey …Sam." Andy stammered.

" McNally. Hey Nash. …..How's it goin?"

"Good, we're good."

"Hey Nash, it's beautiful." He pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "Jerry's ….uh, you picked a great one, what you wrote…. He would love it."

"Thanks. I'm glad. I thought it was appropriate."

"Perfect."

Sam looked from Traci to Andy, a moment of awkward silence passing between the three.

Finally Traci looked over to Andy as she started to walk to the next row, "I'll meet you over there, take your time."

Andy nodded and looked back to Sam.

"You ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. First time here since the funeral, ….seeing his name like that, in print, just makes it very…."

"Real?" she asked.

"Yeah. I mean I know he's gone but when you see it like that etched in stone, it's just ….., I don't know."

"I'm sorry Sam….."

"Andy, I promise you, this is not your fault in any way."

"No, I know. I just mean,…. I'm so sorry that he's not here. I know how much you miss him…. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Oh gosh, I really suck at this….." she gave a timid smile. She wasn't expecting what happened next. He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him. What started out as an impromptu hug turned into a meaningful embrace. Sam wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his chin on her head. Andy slowly snaked her arms around his waist. Andy could feel the sadness coming off him in droves. They stayed like that for a minute before they untangled themselves from each other.

"You working later? He asked.

"Yeah, my last night tour for the week." She said.

"So, I'll see you at the station?" he asked quietly.

"See you there." She smiled and squeezed his arm as she walked past him toward Traci.

As she came to stand next to Traci, she noticed her crying. Andy hooked her arm through Traci's and the two huddled from the cold.

"Trace, it's really beautiful, I really think you captured everything Jerry with that one."

"His folks asked me to pick something, his mom cried when I told her but she loved it."

Traci laid a small bouquet of flowers in front of the stone. Andy caught sight of the red poker chip resting starkly against the black granite. Andy read the writing one last time as the two women silently prayed before heading back to the car.

Jerry Barber (1971-2012) Devoted son, faithful friend, loving partner.

Courage, loyalty and honor above all.

Even though she didn't see Sam during shift that afternoon, he was never far from her thoughts. As she changed out of her uniform, Andy couldn't help but think about him and how affected she was by their moment together. The look on his face had ignited an ache in her heart. In all the time they had known each other, she had never seen him so full of raw emotion. It never seemed to matter the circumstance, Sam always tried to hold it together. He always had his tough guy face on. Sure there were days that the facade cracked ; The day she and Dov had put Sadie in harm's way, the day Ray Swan got away, the day he figured out that Luke had cheated on her, he had lost his cool but never had she seen such emotion from him. For Pete's sake, Jaime Brennan had almost killed him and he still seemed to keep a stoic face. This morning , at the cemetery, for the first time ever, he looked…..broken. This time, he had actually reached out to her, and suddenly , her heart was aching all over again.

After working 6 night shifts in a row, she was thrilled to have Wednesday off. She had errands to run, lunch planned with her dad and an afternoon of shopping planned with Traci before her Therapy group that evening.

Errands completed, she met her dad at the Bay Street Coffee shop at noon. He was already waiting there for her in the same booth they had sat in since she was a kid. She always found it amazing that as unconventional as her childhood was, and as sad as it had been not growing up with her mom, there were in fact times that she had been completely happy. Lunches at the diner were one of those fond memories. Tommy stood up to pull his daughter into an embrace and kiss her on the head as he had done countless times. They quickly ordered and tried to catch up on each other's lives.

Tommy was still dating Amy who he had met in his AA meetings. They were talking about moving into a new place together, possibly in one of those 55 and older communities. Andy was thrilled for her father and so proud of how he had turned his life around.

Andy shared stories about work and her friends before her father turned the conversation around to her therapy group.

"So how those meetings going, kiddo?" he asked.

"It's ok dad. We talk, we share, we try to understand…"

"Not sure I believe in all that, hullabaloo…." Andy started to put her hand up, "BUT, there is a lot to be said for having people around you to support you…I know I wouldn't have made it without them…..or you." He finished.

Andy reached across the table and grabbed her dad's hand.

"I am so proud of you dad. I do think the group is good. The people are really nice, but gosh sometimes the stories are just …unbelievable. I've been doing pretty well and then at the cemetery, oh man. It was bad."

"Makes you realize how fragile life is huh?" he asked solemnly

"Yeah, it does." She nodded sadly.

"Any more run ins with Swarek?"

"Huh?"

"You said he was at your first meeting, have you seen him again?"

"Every week." She smiled

"I see. I guess you guys are on good terms again?"

"Well? We're working on it."

"You never really told me what happened. Just that you broke up, which really shocked me, you two seem so…..good for each other."

"After Jerry died, neither of us handled things well. He needed time and space and you know me…"

"I do. Those two words are not in your vocabulary." He smirked.

She smiled back at him. "He didn't know how to ask me for space and I didn't know how to give it."

"And now?" he asked.

"Now, we're trying to be a little more open and working on both of our trust issues."

Tommy got quiet for a minute, knowing fully that he had a part in those issues.

"So, you are back together now?" he asked.

"No,no, no! Well, not now. We've been talking a little…..he misses me, I miss him, we'll see what happens." She couldn't help but grin.

"Keep your old man in the loop eh kiddo?"

"I will. Got to meet Traci, how about dinner one night next week?"

"Sounds good. "

"And Dad….bring Amy."

Tracy and Andy roamed the local mall, hitting some of their favorite shops. It wasn't so much about the shopping as it was about the company. After a couple of hours of navigating the busy mall and a much needed ice cream cone, Traci dropped Andy off at home. Traci headed off to Dr. Donohue's office for her session . Andy changed out of her boots and into sneakers, threw on a knit hat and headed for the church. She didn't notice Sam's truck in the parking lot but found him sitting on the church steps, two cups of coffee in hand. She smiled and sniffed the French vanilla concoction that he offered to her.

"Thank you."

"No problem." He said with a smile as they both turned to walk to their meeting room. The chairs were set up in the usual circle; Andy grabbed one not far from Jon. Normally they kept their distance within the confines of the group but surprisingly Sam took the seat right next to her. Jon looked over at the two with an all knowing smile. People were chatting as the shuffled in, Jon took the opportunity to come up behind Sam and Andy. He crouched down behind them.

"Hey guys, could I have a minute with you guys after session?" They both looked back at him, Andy nodding and Sam letting out a tired, "Sure."

During session they once again went around the room telling why they were there. There were a couple of newcomers but for the most part it was the same people each week. Today Jon wanted to discuss positives.

"If you can, I would like everyone to tell us one thing they have done or experienced this week that has made you smile or made you feel good." He looked around the room for someone to start. No takers. The silence in the room almost deafening. Finally, a man named Barney spoke up.

"I became a grandfather this week. She is so beautiful. …..Man, I wish my wife was here to see her, but I know she'll be watching over her from heaven." Congratulations came from all around the room. Andy could tell from the man's face that while he was missing his wife, he had a renewed spirit. This good news seemed to motivate some of the others to speak. Jon skipped around until landing his eyes on Sam. "JD, how about you, anything to smile about this week, anything positive that you want to share?"

Sam immediately looked at Andy and then back to Jon as he rubbed a hand over his face . "I ….reconnected with an old friend."

"That's great. How long had it been? " Said Jon.

"Not very long…..and forever all at the same time…..if that makes any sense."

Jon glanced at Andy and noticed the tears in her eyes.

"Yeah JD, ….it makes perfect sense."

A few more people shared some positive moments till finally he came round to Andy again.

"How about you? Anything good to share from this week?"

"Well, yes actually." Andy could feel the burn of Sam's eyes on her.

"I have this friend, not really a big sharer. He let me in this week. It was a big moment for me, made me feel like I didn't fail him as a friend."

Sam's mouth was agape. Not only had he made Andy feel guilty about Jerry's death but apparently he had made her feel like she failed him.

"Thank you Andy, thanks everyone. Good session. See you all next week."

Group members began shuffling up the stairs of the church. Sam and Andy hung back to see what Jon had to say.

"I do counsel couples. Have you two thought of maybe couples counseling?" He asked as he leaned back in his chair his legs stretched out in front of him.

"What? ….We're not , I mean, we were, but now we're just friends, we might ….I'm not sure…."

Sam interrupted, "I will if she will." He smiled.

Andy turned to Sam in shock. He would go to couples counseling for THEM?

"I am aware that you are both here as mandated by the police department, but it's obvious to me that there is more than just the death of Jerry that is hanging over your heads. Besides that, anyone who has seen the two of you interact or even look at each other knows that there is a lot of history there."

They both stood staring at him in disbelief. "You can stop me at any time. " He smiled at their reactions. "Am I off base?"

"I screwed up….I wasn't the person I should have been for the person who meant the most to me…..…..MEANS the most to me." Sam said as he glanced over at Andy.

Andy tried to digest what Sam had to say. It was Andy's turn. "I have trust issues, my mom left when I was 12, my dad is an alcoholic, my fiancée cheated on me…so when things went downhill with us.." she motioned between she and Sam, .."I guess I finally lost all hope that I could actually be happy."

"Andy." Sam said quietly.

"But, …..in these past few weeks, this group, ….these people have shown me …..that if they can still have faith, then why can't I?"

Sam was shocked but tried not to react. Jon promised to see them next week.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam scooped up their bags and waited for Andy to walk outside.

"Hey, you hungry?" he asked.

"Always." She grinned.

The following morning, Andy was up early. She had Sam had gone up the block to grab a quick slice at Manninos and ended up talking and laughing till almost 11pm. Andy couldn't remember when things had ever been so easy between them. There was even some flirting. Not that she was surprised. Sam had in fact made it perfectly clear of what he wanted. Her... Anyway he could have her. The surprising part was that she was flirting back. She couldn't help it. She loved him, she knew she did but she was approaching things differently this time. She could tell that he was different now. Where in the past he was more reserved, slowly but surely he was opening up, about himself, about his feelings toward her and how frustrated he was at how their relationship had ended. Andy honestly believed in her heart that he really meant it this time. IF she could only get her brain to believe that as well.

Like the previous week, he walked her to her door again. This time, he planted a small kiss on her cheek. He took a step back and looked at her. She looked surprised but not completely shocked.

"See ya tomorrow McNally." He said and smiled.

"See you tomorrow." She smiled back and shut her door.

The next morning Andy was up early. She bound her hair in a pony tail, threw on her Blue Jays hat and made her way out for her usual 5k run. On her way home she decided to stop at her favorite coffee shop to grab a muffin and a tea. Since she didn't have to be at work for a few hours, she grabbed a seat in the corner to enjoy her breakfast. She was so caught up in people watching that it took a few minutes for the voices to register that were coming from behind her. As soon as she recognized Oliver and Sam talking she started to get up and go say hello, that was until she heard her last name.

"So how are your meetings going? Have you seen McNally?" Oliver asked.

"The meetings are ok, actually and I see her every week." He smiled.

"And?... Have you talked to her?" Oliver questioned.

"About?" Sam smirked ,tongue in cheek.

"Oh you know, …..You could start with I was an ass, ….please forgive me, and oh yeah, I'm still in love with you, and I want to marry you and have little McSwareks."

Sam smirked, "McSwareks?"

"Yeah, you know, McNally Swarek, ….McSwareks."

Sam rolled his eyes and his friend as they started to get up from their table. "Yeah, I got it. What are you a teenager?"

"I wish Sammy, I wish."

Fortunately, the men walked in the opposite direction from Andy. Thank goodness or they would have found a red faced, wide eyed Andy covered in the tea that she had sprayed all over herself. As she wiped the tea from her jacket and got up to leave, she couldn't help but smile to herself. She made sure they guys were gone and headed home to shower and change. McSwarek's huh?