Disclaimer- Je ne suis pas Ally Carter, (nor am I any good at French)

Zach- Regular

Preston- Italics

"Oh, the agony."

"Shut up."

"My stomach is going to explode."

"I told you not to eat all those hot dogs."

"I had too. Bex said I was too skinny to ever eat more than five. I couldn't back down."

"You were too skinny to eat more than five hot dogs."

"Well...yeah, but... Macey says skinny's the new sexy."

"Macey will say anything to make herself feel better about dating you."

"Harsh. What shit in your cornflakes?"

"You're such an idiot."

"Rude."

"Shouldn't the nurse be here. I mean, this is the Hospital Wing."

"Haha, you just said Hospital Wing."

"So?"

"Soooooooo, Harry Potter! You can't say shit like 'Hospital Wing' and "Owls' anymore without it being like a total reference."

"If I wasn't afraid of you vomiting on me, I would punch you in the stomach."

"Geez, take a Midol already."

"..."

"Where's the nurse. If I have to listen to you complain for one more minute about you're aching stomach-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You'll use your badass ninja training skills and castrate me before throwing the large remains to sharks. You spy people are kind of predictable."

"Who said anything about large?"

"Your mother did last- hey what's that?"

"Gross, don't reach into the trash can."

"Relax, you whiny son of a- fuck."

"Who says son of a fuck?"

"It's a pregnancy test. And its positive."

"Fuck."

"..."

"Do you think its Cammie's?"

"Who said I've had sex?"

"Oh please, even the teachers know. Cammie's a screamer."

"That could be someone else with her."

"She's your girlfriend."

"So."

"And there's a pack of condoms sticking out of your pocket."

"Those were planted there."

"You just can't admit anything can you"

"Okay, fine. We did the nasty. Doesn't mean its Cammie's test. What about you and the Ice Bitch?"

"I'm not a fool, I wrap my tool."

"I do too. And Cammie's been on the pill since she bought her first bra."

"So has Mace. And you know, its possible its not one of ours."

"We go to an all girls school, dumbass! There's like half a dozen guys here, and we're the only sexually active ones."

"What about Headmistress Morgan and Solomon?"

"Joe's in a wheelchair. I doubt his genitalia is fully functional right now."

"I hear Buckingham and Fibs are getting busy."

"Doubt it. Rumor has it, Fibs' got his 'fun parts' cut off in an awkward love triangle involving an Australian snake tamer and a Russian prostitute."

"Damn. And I thought Macey was rough."

"..."

"I bet it's yours."

"Yeah, right. Just cuz you're 'I'm so awesome Zachary Goode', it can't be you."

"Exactly."

"Do needles make you nervous?"

"No, why?"

"I'd be afraid of them if I were you. They might pop your gigantic ego."

"Haha."

"Anyway, better Cammie than Macey."

"Because Macey's maternal instincts are equivalent to that of a rabid male horse?"

"Uh, that and... Cammie's rack would look great with pregnancy boo- OW!"

"..."

"Zach?"

"Yes?"

"Where's the nurse."

"Hell, if I know."

"My stomach still hurts."

"Get over it."

"And I don't want to be a dad."

"Should have wrapped it before you tapped it."

"You're an ass."

"What did you say? You want my ass? Sorry, that's Cam's property."

"...Good one."

"Thank you."

"..."

"I think I'm gonna name my kid something cool. Like Lightning or Bullet."

"Those sounds like bad stripper names. And I thought you didn't want a kid?"

"I don't. But wouldn't that be the coolest name ever- Lightning Winters."

"I'd name mine Richard. That way, if I'm ever pissed, I can call him a Dick without getting in trouble.

"That is messed up on so many different levels."

"..."

"Do you think I'd be a good daddy."

"Based on your terrorist father and whore-ish mother? Eh."

"You're mother's way worse of a terrorist than my dad. And my mom... okay, yeah she's a whore."

"My mom never ran for political office."

"That just makes him the smarter terrorist. Not the crazier one."

"Are we seriously going to argue over this."

"You called me a bad father. I have to defend my honor."

"One, you don't have a kid yet. And two, I never said you'd be a bad father."

"Zach! Was that almost a compliment?"

"No."

"Yes it was! Admit it, you love me."

"I'll admit I'm going to hurt you if you don't let me go in the next three seconds."

"There, there Zachy. Everything's okay. I know you're just pushing me away because you ca-OW!"

"Told you."

"..."

"Oh look, the nurse is coming."

"Finally, my stomach's killing."

"I never would have guessed."

"Whatever. You think she'll tell us whose it is?"

"Probably. I'm very persuasive."

"True. Good luck.

"Ditto."

"..."

"Huh. I did not see that coming."

"Anna Fetterman got knocked up? Who knew she had it in her."

"I'm just glad it's not Macey. I've never been so scared."

"I have, but my childhood was shit so..."

"Yeah. I'm definitely going to be more careful from now on."

"Same."

"Where are you going? I thought we could get some celebratory ice-cream, and then play the new black ops."

"Sorry. I'm gonna go find Cam and have my own celebration."

"Yes, cuz nothing says 'Thank God you aren't pregnant' like starting the process over again."

"You know it."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Ah fuck it, where's Macey."

That was kinda shitty. But I'm posting it anyway, because I haven't written a comedy in a while. And I was just in the mood to write something stupid and pointless. So here's my awkward, inappropriate humor for you to enjoy. I don't know if this should be M or not... I don't think so... But if you think I should change the rating, just PM me, and I'll do it, no problem. Anyway, if you didn't understand all the crap dialogue that just went down: Anna Fetterman was the preggo one (anyone remember her bf Carl?) and then Preston and Zach both went to get laid. We good? Review!

~Sarah