A/N:OMFG I totally should be working on Breaking Point, but I think that's kinda sorta totally on semi-permanent hiatus (Don't kill me!).

This is my first Fullmetal Alchemist story ever, and I'm very proud of it! Special thanks to my BFF/Adopted twin sister Halina for introducing me to FMA! (I WUV YOU BABY SISTER) This was actually a special Thanksgiving present for her because she is in love with Roy. Also, I may have some of the ages and time frames wrong because I'm on like, episode 8.

There isn't any actual smut in this story, but there's A LOT of sexual references and cursing so it's rated R. Also, it's told from Roy's POV.

2 Final Warnings!

This is a YAOI, there is boy sex, guy-on-guy, you no likie you no readie, got it!

I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist 8*( but I do own my ridiculous plot so there!

Memoirs of a Slut:

How the Mustang was Domesticated

Now before I begin, yes, yes that horridly tacky title does say domesticated; so, go get your tissues ladies because I, future Fuhrer and current colonel Roy Mustang, am officially off the market. Now now don't go into hysterics, don't slit your wrists, don't jump off a bridge, it's not all that bad. Because in truth this little love story of mine, as painful as this is to say, is ….. a yaoi. OH GOD, STOP SQUEALING BEFORE MY EARS FALL OFF! We've got a long way to go before we can get to any of that so sit your butts down and – hey did I say you could make popcorn?! – let me start.

Now, I wouldn't call myself a womanizer per say, (Well, Hawkeye, I don't care if you would!) I just like sex and don't like dealing with annoying clingy girls. I don't think I've ever given any one night stand my real phone number either. One night stands are exactly that – one night – and that is how I like it! Although, I have had a lot of one nights now haven't I, and if you know a thing about me you know that's nowhere near as much of an oxy-moron as it sounds. Yes, I've been with a lot of girls in my 30 years; probably ruined just as many relationships too, but hey, can you blame me? These devilishly good looks were a blessing, and the charm just comes naturally; it isn't my fault women throw themselves at me begging like whores. It would be cruel not to oblige, and as you very well know I am a merciful man!

And again, I wouldn't call it promiscuity per say, (Shut. Up. Riza.) just a talent for friendliness. And as for the total number well, that's for me to know and you to agonize over isn't it! But for every list, lengthy as it may be, there has to be a first. I remember mine quite clearly actually. "My what?" you ask? Well my first of course. Remember I'm only human. We're all virgins at some point. I was fifteen, (as a freshmen not a sophomore, please I'm not that pathetic) and the girl's name was Addia. She was the luckiest girl in the world, and I'm not just saying that. Some people say "Well, I wasn't always this charming." Or "Believe me I was a late bloomer." I wasn't in any sense of the words. They Roy you know was the Roy she knew, and even then every girl that laid eyes on me wanted a piece of me; and she was the first to get one. I was a natural of course. Most people's first times are awkward (mainly because no one fucking tells you where the hole is) but mine was a star performance. Fucking things is just something I was born to do I suppose, almost as natural as breathing. Addia was the happiest girl in the world that night, and the most miserably heartbroken the next morning. Guys always say they're gonna call. Always. That's just how it goes.

"You're gonna call me right?"

"Yeah, sure."

But we don't call, and I most certainly was no exception. I was exceptional in that area actually, not only didn't I call, but I didn't give her my number or address and I never talked to her again. Even blew her off completely when she came up to talk to me in the halls, and flirted maliciously with other girls while in front of her. I think it was a sign that the first girl I'd ever slept with was named Addia. You see there's this Italian word I know, addio, which is what you say when you never want to see someone again, and so began a glorious tradition of fucking, leaving, and leaving behind fake info. And Roy looked at all he had accomplished and said it was good. (Shut up, I do NOT have a god-complex!)

Fast forward five years and 400 dollars in condoms later and I was going home for the evening with a particularly stunning beauty named Cassy. Now, that was a wild night if I ever remembered one! You see, Cassy seemed perfectly normal when you looked at her. Just your average, very hot girl going home with the not so average Adonis me, but Cassy had some very intriguing kinks. Usually you have to be careful to sever ties with women once you sleep with them, because the bonding hormones women produce during sex cause their emotions to go into over-drive. That's what made my favorite pastime rather challenging in its early years. The girls were always so sappy and hard to shake. I swear if I had a dollar for every woman that swore she was in love with me, I'd be the richest man alive! Cassy was different though. She didn't like all that emotional stuff. She didn't want to be treated like she was fragile, she liked it rough. Pounding, biting, screaming, and just total fucking was her thing. She loved it, but she didn't love me. She didn't ask for a number, she didn't say anything when I left, she didn't even give me a kiss goodbye. It was great! The sex was really, really awesome too, so that's how I decided to be with every girl. I was always rough, I was never emotional, and the clinginess totally stopped. It was the best decision I'd ever made!

Yes, yes, Addia and Cassy were quite memorable experiences, but I've been with no other girl more memorable than Ivana. Beautiful, stunning Ivana! That was the worst night of my life! Nine years after my tryst with Cassy and an uncountable number of women later, I was on top of the world! Desired by every woman I met, envied by every man who'd ever even heard my name, and that night, that awful fucking night, I take home a blond bombshell from Russia with giant boobs and a gorgeous ass. Ivana was beautiful in every sense of the word and she was going to let me do things to her no other girl ever would, and I couldn't get hard. I, colonel Roy Mustang, presented with the most arousing being in the entire world couldn't fucking get hard! I. Couldn't. Get. Hard. I was so embarrassed! She laughed at me. She fucking laughed! And do you know why I couldn't get hard for her? Well, do you!? It's all because of a certain blond pipsqueak named Edward Elric. Yes, I fell for the short little bastard! I fell for Edward Elric! I know, I'm ashamed of myself too. I couldn't get hard for Ivana because I could only get hard for him! All I could think about was him! All I was thinking about that night was him; I took Ivana home to try to get my mind off of him, but not even a hot Russian sex kitten could make me forget the goddamned kid!

I swear to God I fucking hated that bastard after that, with his stupid ranting voice and his long-ass girly hair, and his honey colored eyes that swim with emotion and understanding. God! You see what he does to me!? I sound like a fucking poet! Me, colonel Mustang, a poet! It's sickening.

As soon as I met Edward I knew he'd be trouble for me. There was just something about him that annoyed me and attracted me at the same time. I like my subordinates to be loyal and obedient, but Ed was always rebellious and irresponsible. It was so irritating but I somehow found it cute, and a little endearing. He went out of his way just to piss me off, and I liked it somehow. I knew I was on his mind at least. And, I found that rebellious determination of his strangely sexy. He was fierce and I liked that. Women just kind of swooned and fell into my arms but Ed, he challenged me, he fought me tooth and nail on everything and I loved it.

But do you want to know the absolute worst part? In the first year I knew him, Ed was only fifteen, and the age of sexual consent in Amestris is sixteen. You know what that meant? I couldn't touch him! Roy Mustang always gets what he wants, and what Roy can't have he takes without asking; however, Roy Mustang also likes being the Colonel, and Roy Mustang can't be the Colonel if he breaks the law. That meant that no matter how badly I wanted to, I just couldn't touch him. That was the first time in my life that I didn't get something that I wanted, and you know what else? I'd never wanted Edward more than in that one year! Everything he did and said looked and heard ten times sexier in that one year I couldn't have him. Those honey eyes looked even sultrier when he glared at me. That low braid of silky golden hair just begged me to pull on it and pull it out; God did I want to run my fingers through that hair! Do NOT get me started on those leather pants he insisted on wearing day after day. I could get hard just fighting with the kid sometimes and I COULDN'T FUCKING TOUCH HIM!

Then again, while he was fifteen at least I had an excuse not to do anything. I didn't realize until the day of his sixteenth birthday that I couldn't just bend him over my desk and fuck him. I didn't even know if Ed would even consider being with a man, let alone me. "Colonel Bastard" isn't exactly a term of endearment you know. The second worst thing that happened to me then was that I started to get nervous around him. It wasn't just sexual frustration anymore; I knew I could have him anytime that I wanted, but I didn't know what I should say. I'd never been with another man before. Men are sooooooooo different from women. Most men hated me for taking their girlfriends! When I tried to bring it up to Edward my stomach started to hurt. I was getting fucking butterflies for God's sake! BUTTERFLIES! Roy Mustang does not get butterflies, but Edward Elric managed to put them there. The funny thing was, I couldn't even hate him for it.

Those butterflies dropped dead in my stomach when I almost lost Edward to that bastard Scar. Two more seconds and he'd have been gone forever. I realized how fucking stupid I was being, I'm Roy Mustang, if I wanted Edward I would damn well have him! So that night, I called him into my office after hours, locked the door, and I took him. He didn't even struggle. He wanted me, exactly as I'd wanted him. As soon as my lips met his he responded without a second thought. I'd worried for nothing! It was fucking amazing too. Edward was better than any girl I'd been with, and I rocked his world. He was a virgin, too. I got to be his first and that gave me a sense of pride I didn't even know I could have. The only thing that confused me was, after we'd finished, I wanted to do it again. I wanted that night, and another, and another, and another. I didn't want Ed for one night. I wanted him always, and I'm pretty sure he could feel it. I wasn't rough with him either. I didn't fuck him. I didn't even have sex with him. I made love to him. That was something I thought I'd never do.

I had him another night, and another, and I woke up right beside him every time. I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't. I just waited too long to get him, and now that I'd gotten him I never wanted to let go. I fell in love with Edward Elric. And the happiest day of my life was when Edward Elric told me he fell in love with me.

"Roy honey, it's late. Will you please come to bed now? You know you have to do a ton of paperwork tomorrow and Al and I have a mission, come get some sleep."

"Hold on Ed, I'll be right there."

Well, my boyfriend is calling me. Yes, my boyfriend. Ed and I have been together exclusively for 2 years now. We live together, we sleep together, and yes we can even still work together. But you know, I don't really like the term "boyfriend". I don't want Edward to be my boyfriend anymore. That's why I decided to make a quick trip to the jewelry store before writing this. "Fiancé" sounds about ten times better, especially for someone as beautiful as my Edward.

"Roy!"

"Be right there darling!"

Well, I really have to go. Thanks for listening. Now dry your tears, clean up your popcorn, and remember, even a slut like me can find love eventually.

P.S. Keep your big mouths shut. I'm proposing tomorrow; Ed doesn't have a mission!

Please review cause I love you all!