A/N: This is pure crack, based on a roleplay parody of Mega Man and done primarily to break writer's block. Please eschew logic while reading.

Thanks are in order to BluePaladinium, Gleam, Irikarul, and SmiteJr for their contributions to this story.

It came out of nowhere. There was no warning, no time to prepare. On January 6 of the year 220X, a robotic army descended upon the 13th Hierarchical City of Kagutsuchi. The Novus Orbis Librarium mobilized what forces it had within minutes. But there was no vanquishing the mechanical hordes; they overwhelmed the NOL, and Kagutsuchi fell. And just as soon as the army arrived, it left, only leaving a base in its wake. For a full two weeks, the world sat silent, waiting for an answer to the question on everyone's mind: what was going on?

Finally, the world got its answer. In every Hierarchical City, screens flickered on to reveal a blond man behind a theater mask, a smirk on his lips. Relius Clover cleared his throat. "People of the world. Greetings; I am Doctor Relius Clover. I assume you wish to know why I have taken Kagutsuchi as I have. The answer is quite simple. I seek to create the perfect being, and thus I require materials, workplaces...and test subjects. The Librarium has refused to supply me adequately, and thus I have taken matters into my own hands."

"I hereby claim jurisdiction over all Hierarchical Cities. Any that resist will be taken by force. My army cannot be stopped by your weak Ars Magus, as the spirits of those slain in Kagutsuchi will certainly tell you. All cities have 48 hours to submit to my will or I shall invade regardless of whether they choose to actively resist. I do hope my demands are reasonable."

"Lastly, I believe I will introduce you to my generals. My...Robot Masters, you may call them. Each one is steadfast in their loyalty to me; I have made sure that none will rebel. Ragna the Bloodedge, former SS-Class criminal with enough power to take on an army. Jin Kisaragi, a former Librarium major renowned for his efforts in single-handedly ending the Ikaruga War. Iron Tager, the Red Devil of Sector Seven. Noel Vermillion, who yielded the highest Ars Magus aptitude ever recorded. Rachel Alucard, a vampire with a strong pedigree in weather sorcery. Carl Clover, my son and one of the top vigilantes in the world. Captain Hazama of the Intelligence Department. And finally, Tsubaki Yayoi of Zero Squadron."

"Each one has had their abilities honed and made stronger. Any one of my generals could decimate whatever feeble resistance you could muster. Insurrection would be futility."

"I await your answer, world."

"...What."

Kokonoe stared flabbergasted at the screen long after it shut off. That son of a bitch, what the hell did he think he was doing?! Growling to herself, she snatched up a radio to dial for Tager... Shit. Right. Kinda one of Relius's generals now. Sure explained why the lug hadn't responded in over a week. She sighed. What the hell was she supposed to do now? No way in hell did she want to take on Relius on her own. But there was no one else to do so in her stead, with Tager gone...

After half an hour's worth of pondering, she snapped her fingers and raced into her laboratory. Once there, she smirked at a glass capsule, tall enough to house a man and drowned in some manner of green liquid. "...Eh. Should work."

For hours, she worked, a delicate and complicated process that I have no intention of describing. At the end of her toils, she smirked at the naked girl floating in the capsule. And then hit a button on its side. The green fluid drained out from the bottom of the cylinder and the girl slumped to her knees. Long blond hair fell around her as she looked up, eyes red and blank. With the press of a second button, white light enveloped the girl. When it cleared, she found herself clad in a black bodysuit with white armor on the legs, forearms and chest, a Cyclopean visor covering her eyes.

Doing everything in her power to refrain from following mad scientist stereotype and bursting into insane laughter, Kokonoe opened the capsule and grinned. "Well, now. Looking good there. Arise, Mega Lambda!"

Kokonoe expected robotic assent. What she got, however, was a stretch and a yawn as her new creation hovered up to her feet. Lambda brushed her hair out of her face and blinked the red dot in her visor at the scientist. "Geez, not so loud. You'd think I was deaf or something."

"Er…what?" Kokonoe blinked at the girl. That…was unexpected. "Wait, wait, wait, since when the hell did you have a personality?"

"Since five seconds ago." Lambda glanced about and extended an arm. At her mental beckon, a slender blade appeared before her palm and fired forward into the wall. She smirked. "Not bad. So. What kinda job you got for me? Saving the planet or something?"

"More or less, yeah. And tone down the attitude, will ya?" Shaking her head, Kokonoe led her newest creation out of the workroom. "Crazy-ass doctor and his eight 'Robot Masters' are trying to take over the world. You get to stop them. Have fun."

"As much fun as something like that could be. Well, way I see it, we take out the doctor, we win, right? Where is he?"

"Uh…good question. He never said." Scowling, Kokonoe pushed her glasses up. "Shit, so either we gotta drag it out of one of his generals, or wait for him to…"

A television screen crackled with static and flipped on to reveal the doctor in question. With an arrogant smile, Relius said, "Ah, good day, professor."

"Relius Clover, you asshole!" Kokonoe whipped around to snarl at him. Whether or not he could see or hear her, she didn't care. "The hell do you want?"

"To gloat, of course." Lambda crossed her arms and smirked. "That's what all good villains do, right? By the way…Doctor Doom wants his schtick back."

"Hmph. Nothing of the sort." Relius's smile faded as he eyed the robotic girl. "You have resurrected the 11th Prime Field Device, have you, Kokonoe?"

"You're damn right she has. Take a good look here, Clover, because I'm gonna be kicking your ass up and down the-"

"Yes, and I'm regretting it more every time she opens her mouth. Pretty impressive, seeing as she's only been alive five minutes." After throwing her creation a glare, Kokonoe turned back to Relius. "So, what do you want? To tell us where the hell your hidey-hole is? Because trust me, we'd love to hear all about that."

"So you intend to fight. How foolish" After pausing for a condescending chuckle, Relius smirked again. "Still, I must applaud your tenacity. I suppose I will tell you where all of my Robot Masters are stationed."

"Ragna has taken over the monorail system in Akitsu and is siphoning raw materials to me through it. Kisaragi has taken hold of Wadatsumi; from his base in the former Ikarugan Resistance Headquarters, he is working to freeze it over should it refuse to surrender. Vermillion has returned to the military academy in Torifune and is brainwashing the students there to do my bidding. Rachel stays within the confines of her mansion, but keeps an eye for any insurrection. Tager has set up within a power plant in Yabiko. Carl remains in Kagutsuchi, where he works to produce my robot army. Hazama has taken over the Librarium headquarters at the Nemesis Horizon. And lastly, Yayoi has seized control of the weather control Ars in Naobi."

"Should you vanquish all eight of my Robot Masters, I shall reveal the location of my fortress."

"Wait, seriously?" Kokonoe cocked her head. "You know…"

"He's a villain, drama comes before logic." Lambda grinned. "Am I right, Clover?"

"Hmm…while I would not have put it as such, that is indeed my reasoning. After all, what entertainment is there for an audience should one side triumph too easily? And I do believe that is all. Good day, professor…number eleven."

"…Wow. That's kind of him. Stupid and arrogant, but kind." Lambda turned to her creator. "Alright, so, uh…where do we start? And you sure I can take a Robot Master?"

"Of course you can, it's why you were made." Kokonoe gestured for the girl to follow her as she hurried into another room. A capsule, again man-sized, waited in the corner. Right beside it, a computer screen displayed 8 faces. Those of the Robot Masters. "Alright, my computer's got a lock on the locations of each Robot Master…"

"Uh…how does it have that already?"

"Shut up and go with it, it just does! Anyways. Once you select a Robot Master, just step into the capsule and you'll teleported within a mile or two of the bastard."

"…Why not just send me straight to the Robot Master?"

"Because…there's…like…some kinda…shield or…something…gah!" Kokonoe threw her arms into the air. "Stop questioning me, dammit, I know what I'm doing!"

"Despite never having done this before?" This time, Lambda couldn't hide the light smirk on her face. "You sure it's just Clover that has a flair for the dramatic?"

"Oh, bite me. Now, if you're done snarking at me…" Kokonoe paused to stick a lollipop into her mouth. "Okay, so. You've already introduced my wall to your Lambda Buster. You can charge it up to shoot a bigger sword…"

"…Uh. How does collecting energy make a-"

"Do you want me to uncreate you? Anyways. You can only shoot straight forward—no, I don't know why either—and you can do some kinda weird…slidey…thing. And finally, you have my masterpiece: the Variable Weapons System! Get a chip from a defeated Robot Master, you get their weapon. And don't even ask how it works, I have no idea either." A moment to think. "Oh, right. And bring the Robot Masters back alive. I gotta figure out how the hell Dr. Clover got idiots like Ragna and Jin to work for him."

"Eh. Sure. I guess I could do that." Lambda stepped over to the computer and looked over each enemy in turn. "Hmm…so, I just pick one and go?"

"Pretty much, Lambchops."

"…Call me that again and see what happens." If Lambda had any qualms about threatening her owner, she sure was not about to let them show. "Alright, um…can you give me a rundown of what these guys are like? Might help a little."

"Sure." Kokonoe shrugged. "Ragna's a hotheaded dumbass, Jin's a psychotic dumbass, Noel's a spineless dumbass, Carl's an annoying dumbass, Tager used to be my assistant, Hazama's a jackass, Rachel's a bitch, and Tsubaki's…some other sort of dumbass."

"…Yes. That tells me a lot about them. Thank you so much, oh benevolent creator."

"…I'm seriously reprogramming you when I get the chance." With a growl, Kokonoe walked over and jammed a finger against the screen. Ragna's face brightened and the capsule whirred. "There. Go kick Ragna's ass, alright?"

"Works, I guess." Lambda floated over to the capsule and entered. "Right then. Any way to contact you once I'm in Akitsu?"

"We got a radio line. Unless they're jamming—which wouldn't surprise me—I should be able to help guide you here." Kokonoe smirked. "Okay then. Location selected, teleporter online, Mega Lambda energy at 100%...and click!"

The professor all but pounded a button on the computer. Energy flashed within the capsule, a green ring that floated up and down around Lambda. She warped out of the laboratory as a grey beam of light.

Mission commenced.

A/N: One note, to avoid confusion later: while all of the Robot Masters are based on bosses from the classic Mega Man series, I am taking liberties with the weapons and such.