Author's Note: Okay sooo it's been almost a year. I'm so sorry. I had so many depressing issues going on in my personal life it was just SUPER hard for me to work on a story about self-harm as I have struggled with it myself for years. But I'm feeling better now and I promise to try for regular updates once more. Enjoy your super belated chapter and I hope you're still all here. Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01

Chapter 10- Let it out

Kendall's P.O.V

As I walked to Logan's house my heart beat sped up. This would be the first time I'd have to look at his face since awaking from the coma. I had so many scenarios playing out in my head. Most of which involved me going home later to my already bloodied razor. Every scenario like that also consisted of thoughts of my funeral. Which lead into thoughts of my homophobic mother causing me to be more depressed.

It was a good thing I learned how to hide the pain so well. I'd of been figured out months ago if I didn't. However now everything was out I had no doubt in my mind Logan would be more observant. I scratched at the scars on my arm. I winced as my nails scraped over the new cuts. suddenly I was ashamed of them. He didn't deserve a constant reminder of hurting me. Though he didn't do it intentionally, I know he felt at fault. It was in Logan's nature to care for the wounded. Especially if the pain was caused by him. I sigh pulling the sweat shirt from my backpack. I intended to spend the night. Knowing staying at home would only put more stress on me. I didn't exactly think being around Logan wouldn't bring more stress. However it'd be an easier burden to bear than staying home with my mother. With Logan I've grown more accustomed to the weight it brought down on me. With my mother it was a new issue. I'd have to learn how much more I'd have to carry in order to know how to deal with it. However for that I'm sure I'd need a higher stress capacity to cope. Needless to say I'd be avoiding it for a while as I waited for some of the little stress to be lifted.

I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands. I wasn't taking any chances uncovering my arms until Logan was fast asleep. I approached the blue door that entered into his home. I didn't even have to knock. His mother opened the door and greeted me with a warm smile and a hug. Something was off though. I'd been basically her adopted son before my when my mom worked two jobs. That many years in her house and I could tell when something wasn't right.

"Your mother called me" that was all she had to say. I turned to leave I guess Logan's mother hated me too. She grabbed my arm gently and turned me around. I faced her with unshed tears in my eyes. Why couldn't I be stronger?

"I'm sorry." I whispered. What more could I do. I was in love with her son, and because I cut over him he now thought he loved me too. I had turned her little boy into something abnormal.

"About what? Come in I made you some dinner." I followed her inside and sat on the bar stool where a big helping of chicken pot pie waited. I sat there for a second not knowing if it was prepared for me or somebody else.

"Well don't just sit there and sniff at it." Miss Mitchell laughed. "Eat it before it's no good you know the rules. Walk away from my table hungry and it's your own damn fault." I'd always used to laugh when she said that however this time I only managed to give a crooked smile before picking up the fork and taking a bite. We sat in silence neither of us really sure how to start the inevitable conversation. Finally she spoke.

"So does he know?" Part of me wanted to play dumb but I knew there was no use. She knew me too well.

"Sort of"

"Sort of?" She narrowed her eyes at me in confusion.

"I told him the night before I went into a coma and well when he brought it up the day I woke up; I lied and said I don't remember. Considering the fact coma survivors have been known to forget even their own name. "She traced her fingers over an invisible spot on the counter.

"Well why?" I sighed.

"Because I don't know if he really loves me. He's always been so caring. Him knowing I harmed myself over him probably made him think he was in love with me because he felt responsible."

"Responsible for what."

"Me harming myself, me going into that coma from the suicide attempt." I sighed remembering how I had failed. If only it was in my nature to succeed everything would be okay. Everything would be where it was supposed to be.

"Kendall we both know Logan very well. Although he has a big heart he values when people take responsibility for their own actions. If he truly felt responsible more than likely he'd pull away from you all together." I felt my lip tremble at the thought of losing him all together. "Kendall yes there's some guilt knowing you did that all this time over him, but at the end of the day he knows you took the razor to your wrist not him." I nod not knowing what to say.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Why should I? I know you probably hate me now because I've changed you're lit-"

"Kendall I've always known Logan was different. When he was little he preferred heels over the light up tennis shoes. I got him out of that habit yes, but I couldn't deny it when he could make and break his own routines. I accepted it even before he accepted himself. And now I'm accepting you too Kendall. No one would be better for my son than you." I wanted to cry. Why couldn't my mother have an open mind like her?

"I thought my mother called you."

"She did but that doesn't mean I agreed with her thinking." She walked around the counter towards me and placed a soft hand on my shoulder. I continued to look down to ashamed to look Miss Mitchell in the eyes. "Kendall your mother has taught you scriptures correct?" Where ever that came from I'll never know. I shook my head. My mother hadn't taken me to church since I was in the second grade.

"Well the church believes that homosexuality is a sin." Like I didn't know that. Why else would my mother hate me? "But it also says Divorce is a sin. A sin that's punishable by death. It says in that big old book a divorcé even deserves to be stoned for leaving their spouse." I had no idea where she was going with this but I listened intently. "Nowhere in the bible does it say how a homosexual should be dealt with so how do we ever know God saw it to be wrong. If there's no way to deal with the transgression why would God ever ask us to look down upon it? Just read the book Kendall. God accepts you for you. Don't let anyone, even your mother, think otherwise."

"I don't even remember the last time I went to church what makes you think he accepts fags like me." I let tears roll down my face and felt vulnerable.

"You don't need a building or a fat guy in a suit to tell you. It's what you know in your heart." I tucked my lips into a straight line. It was my last resort when I didn't want to cry.

"Let go," she whispered "It's okay to let go now." I began to sob. Everything over the years rose to the surface and I began shaking as Miss Mitchell held me. The sobs echoed around the room as I cried out all my unshed tears. There was no more feeling vulnerable about someone seeing the salty liquid rolling down my face. There was only the ache that I had forgotten the size of. Though I was crying now, I couldn't escape the thought of my razor. Could this gaping wound be covered up with a simple slit to my wrist? Ever since I began to cut I'd forgotten what the raw pain of my depression felt like. Feeling it now was no better than it was two years ago. In fact it was worse now because there were new wounds alongside loving Logan.

I sobbed for a while though after five minutes there were no more tears. It's a proven fact you never shed much. Even in heart filled sobs.

Logan's P.O.V

I finished vacuuming my room. It had taken me forever. My mother promised to keep Kendall company while I finished. I had seen him coming down the street lugging the heavy cleaning tool up the stairs. I crept to the top of the stairs hesitating before taking the step to descend into the kitchen. This would be the first time I've seen Kendall since he woke up in the hospital. I face palmed. How could I allow him to come over with it being awkward? Stupid brain!

I did want to talk about what happened in the hospital. I see his backpack at the foot of the stairs. He was spending the night! I realized at that moment now was not the time. Him being able to go home and be mad is one thing. Having to sleep in the same bed pissed off at me is another. I take the steps down and sigh. Another day my brain told me. I just hoped that day would come soon.

Kendall's P.O.V

My body tensed as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I had finished crying and knowing Logan he'd be able to tell. Hell anyone could tell. My eyes were puffy and I had snot running out of my nose. And sure enough I was right.

"What's wrong bud?" I hated making him worry.

"I'm okay now." I lied. He shrugged but I guess bought it.

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" He asked. I nodded at him. He went up me following behind his mom grabbed my arm before I got too far.

"You should tell him." She said. I didn't have to ask I just nodded and walked away debating. There's so many things that could go wrong. It'd be different I was able to go home, you know give him space to get over it. Tonight that wasn't an option. We'd be sleeping in the same bed.

When we walked into his room I was shocked. I'd never seen the space so clean. "You really did cleanup" I laughed. He smiled at me. I could tell what had happened at the hospital was on his mind. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell him. Or we could at least talk about what happened that wouldn't give me away would it? I sighed before starting. "Logan about what happened at the hospital. I'm sorry but there's just so much going on and-"

"I know." That was all he said.

"Know what?" I hadn't even told him any reasons. He couldn't possibly read me that well.

"You lied." I narrowed my eyes at him

"What do you mean?"

"My mom already told me you thought I did it because I felt responsible for your uh... Habit. Your mom kind of ratted you out about remembering everything before you, well yeah. and. My mom told me, like instantly. Then asked what I did that made you upset enough to want to lie about well you know."

"So I don't need to fill you in on my mom." I laugh and awkwardly scratch my neck. I wanted to cry again but, there just weren't any more tears left to shed.

"Kendall," he whispered. "You're wrong. So, so wrong." I look down at the floor not knowing what to say.

"Wanna' play some video games?" I asked desperately wanting to drop this.

"You can't avoid this forever." There was an edge to his voice I hated. Though Logan crying is a rarity it effects as much as it did before. Only now there was a new edge to the effect as the tears had been caused by me. I sat on his bed we could always continue later.

"For now can I just enjoy my time with my best friend? Just like we used to Logan. You and me and nothing else." He smiled a little.

"I guess for now I can live with that. Can you promise me we'll talk before the night is out though?" Fuck that face! That sad face always made me say yes. I smiled before grabbing an Xbox controller of the dresser next to his bed.

"Come on its time for me to kick your ass in Call of Duty."

"You're on Knight" he followed suit and jumped on the bed. Things could be normal at least for a little while. I had to say with the week of stress it felt nice just to be normal. I may have been fucked up, but for now I was a simple teen. A simple teen trying to beat his over-competitive best friend in first person shooting.