The Biggest Shopping Riot Since Black Friday

OR

How Wolf O'Donnell of Star Wolf, Saved Christmas

By: Miss Glimmer

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in here. That includes Nintendo, Hostess, the song, "Jingle Bell Rock," Toyota, Nutty Bars, Swiss Rolls and Walmart.

"So explain why I'm here," I said, rubbing the tips of my index claws against my temples. It was surprising really, how I always managed to get myself into these dumb plans that other Smashers managed to concoct.

It was the twenty-third of December. I guess you all know what that means. Yep, that's right: Last minute Christmas shopping, otherwise known as The Biggest Shopping Riot Since Black Friday. And yeah, I've done Black Friday Shopping.

Once.

Needless to say, there's a reason I've only done it one time and I don't want to revisit that memory, so let's not go there, okay?

"As you know, Hostess is planning on filing for bankruptcy," Link announced in what I thought was a pretty dramatic tone.

Zelda shook her head in dismay, and Peach put a hand over her mouth and said, "Not Hostess!" Judging from their expressions though, I figured they'd already heard the news and that they were only doing this to amp up the dramatics.

"Yes, Hostess is unfortunately no longer going to be producing those delicious little cakes of theirs. This also includes Twinkies."

There was a collective gasp from the group. Even Samus, who usually never displays any sort of emotion, looked as though somebody extremely near and dear to her had just died.

"Yeah, and?" I said, yawning. So, there'd be no more Twinkies. What of it? Personally, I thought they were a bit overrated but that was just me...

Evidently, this was the wrong sort of reaction to this disastrous news, because everybody in the crowd was suddenly glaring at me. I glanced at them all and, feeling defensive, said, "What? They're just dumb cake snacks! Besides, just because Hostess is filing for bankruptcy doesn't mean that other companies won't be selling their own Twinkies."

Samus looked at me, her eyes piercing mine. She fisted both her hands so tightly that her knuckles whitened and suddenly, she was up in my face, her blue eyes transformed into boiling pits of anger. Gulp. When did she get that scary? "Never. Insult. Twinkies. Again," she said through clenched teeth.

"Okay, okay," I said backing away, trying to calm the pounding in my heart. Sheesh, since when did Hostess gain a cult? "If I'm not a part of your little Twinkie fanclub, then why am I even here?"

Mario smiled. "I'm glad you asked that question, Wolf."

I scanned our little group that Link had called hastily and with utter secrecy. Fox, Falco, Peach, Zelda, Mario, Luigi, Samus and Snake. They all looked at me expectantly, which made my insides twist. Their looks were reminiscent of a wolf about to catch its prey, which was pretty ironic now that I think about it.

Because I'm a wolf and all, get it? Get it?

Anyway, Luigi chimed in. "The truth is Wolf, you're the only one who is immune to that which we find irresistible in those Twinkie delicacies!"

"And?"

Falco slapped his wing to his face and ran it down his beak. "Jeez Louise, I knew you were stupid Wolf, but I didn't know you were that stupid!"

Okay, that did it. "Watch it, bird brain," I said.

Link cleared his throat, signaling that the bickering was at an end and that he was about to say something important. "Well, we need you to buy as many Twinkies as you can before they sell out."

There was a pause as I digested this fact. They couldn't... They couldn't possibly be serious.

Could they?

Even though their expressions looked hopeful and completely serious, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and laughed like it was the funniest thing I'd heard since hearing the news that Slippy had become a permanent member of the Star Fox Team. "You guys are too funny!"

My laugh died out when I realized that none of them were joining in. Damn, so they were serious then.

"Your immunity to the Twinkies gives you a gift you do not understand yet, Wolf O'Donnell, leader of the Star Wolf Team. You are strong and capable enough to set forth on this quest. You, and only you can resist the temptation of the Twinkies," Luigi said in reverent tones.

Dear God, it wasn't possible that they were serious, were they?

"Wolf, you're our only hope," Peach said softly. There was a sort of begging in her watery blue eyes. "If you do this, then we'll all be eternally grateful." There was something about her voice that suddenly made me want to do it, that maybe I was the only one who could. That maybe I could succeed at something better than Fox for once and come out triumphant. Thoughts of Zelda and Peach as well as Krystal all vying for my attention all suddenly took up my imagination, progressing into something that was decidedly not for kids.

...And then the minx finished her thought.

"But most of all Marth and Ike will thank you for doing them this favor."

"Marth and Ike?" I said, blinking rapidly. "What do they have to do with this?" Because the truth was, I hate those pansy swordsmen. Well, only Marth was a pansy swordsman. You only have to look at him and take particular note of the tiara and the girly haircut. For Chrissakes, my mother's hair was just like that! And then, the way he speaks Japanese like he owns the place. What's up with that? Hello? We all speak English here? Or at least, most of us humans do. Jerk. I bet it's some hipster fad.

Ike on the other hand... Can I just point out how that thing of his isn't really a sword? That's a motherfrickin' butcher's knife.

For a giant.

The worst part about it is that I doubt Ike really knows how to handle it properly. He's always whacking it against the floor or treating it like a club.

The two swordsmen are certainly incompetent and they're an affront to the Smash Brothers. Why they were ever allowed in the first place is beyond me. I can handle Link and that spawn of his as long as they don't point those swords at me, but those Fire Emblem brats are downright annoying. I honestly don't know what those fangirls ever see in him.

"Why yes!" Zelda said, interrupting my inner brooding. "You didn't think the Twinkies were for us, silly?"

Zelda suddenly didn't look so hot anymore, especially when she called me silly. I am not silly. I am fashionable.

Rational, I mean.

Whatever. Both work.

Through gritted teeth, I said, "Oh silly me. I should have just assumed that I was going to brave the Christmas-shopping crowds for those idiots."

"They're not idiots!" Peach said.

"Yes! They're handsome young men who deserve only the very best!" Zelda said.

"Give me a break! This is stupid! Are you listening to yourselves?" I asked. Because really, do I need to elaborate after everything I've just said about them?

Luigi furrowed his eyebrows at me. "Wolf O'Donnell, of Star Wolf, are you not aware of the company you sit with?"

"Aside from the fact that you're all a bunch of weirdos and that you all just happen to be my Smash partners? No, not really."

They all exchanged looks, with the exception of Snake who took another long pull of his cigarette, with his eyes closed and the slightest of smiles on his face. If I didn't know any better, he looked like he was enjoying all of this. Creeper.

Link sighed, running a hand through his golden hair. "I'm afraid I didn't tell him before dragging him here. I only thought it best to not tell him since our organization is sworn to utmost secrecy."

Luigi's mouth dropped open. "You don't know...?" he whispered. "I thought you came under the pretense that you were one of us."

Okay, this was definitely getting weird. And slightly scary.

Peach had an uncharacteristically grim look on her face. "Link, we should never have brought him here."

"I agree. What have you done?" Zelda whispered, her eyes widening. Her face was growing paler by the second.

"There is nobody better suited for the job! I had to do it!" Link said. He was pulling out his hair now, and his eyes were wide, giving him the look of a deranged person.

At this point, anything was better than being in present company with these people. I wasn't sure what was going on but I crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Fine! Okay! I'll do it. Just tell me what's going on!" Anything to get them to shut up.

And okay, I was a little curious about what they were talking about, I'll admit.

Mario glared at me. "You're only saying that because you want to know about us! You don't care about the actual secret!"

I rolled my eyes. "Just as I thought... This was a waste of time." Clearly, they weren't going to tell me, but maybe if I played my cards right...

I turned to leave, and just as I was about to reach the door, Luigi cried out, "Wait! We need you!"

I sighed and turned around, a look of sheer, cool boredom written all over my face.

Inside though, I was grinning. Success! "Okay, but you need to tell me why you guys are all acting so... so creepy."

"No, not yet." Samus was the one who spoke this time. Her voice was quiet and all of us shifted our gazes towards her, willing her to speak. "You complete this mission first. Get the Twinkies. As many as you can. If you can't do this, then we will never tell you. It is the only way you can prove your loyalty to our cause."

I thought about my hate for last minute Christmas shopping. I thought about how I wasn't especially partial to everyone in this group. I thought about how I particularly hated Marth and Ike and how I didn't even like Twinkies.

"Fine," I said. "I'll do it."

There were collective sighs of relief coming from everybody around me. I raised three clawed fingers, which instantly made everybody quiet. "On three conditions," I said. "One is that you tell me what that damned secret of yours is, and two is that I want to join it."

Everybody stared at me for a moment, their eyes unblinking. "Could you give us a moment?" Mario asked. Without waiting for an answer, the remaining Smashers began a huddle and conferred in overlapping, heated whispers. I tapped my claws against my arm impatiently as I waited. I noticed that Link, Mario, Luigi, Peach and Zelda seemed to be doing most of the talking. Falco and Fox would merely nod here and there and besides the smirk on his face, Snake did nothing at all. I frowned at that.

It was an odd assortment of characters to be sure.

Finally Mario looked up and said with a perfectly neutral tone, "Agreed, given you are successful with this operation, we will tell you."

"Wait," Zelda said, narrowing her eyes at me. "You said you had three conditions. You only mentioned two!"

"Perceptive," I said without really meaning it. Zelda looked pleased with herself. People who understand sarcasm fully are so hard to find these days. "My third condition is that I can't do this alone. I need a team. Last minute Christmas shopping is no laughing matter."

Link steepled his fingers together, thinking hard about it. Finally, he conceded, "Yes, you are right. Very well, you may assemble your team. Provided that in the end, you keep the Twinkies with you so that the rest of your team members do not eat them. And that you may only choose your team from those currently present in this room. Nobody else can know about this mission in its entirety."

Oh great. I had to pick amongst the weirdos. I stared at all the Smashers currently in front of me. None of them were my first picks, really. "Okay fine," I said, rubbing my chin and looking at all of them. Amongst Luigi and Mario, I would rather choose neither. Mario would probably try and play leader and Luigi's dramatics would blow the mission.

I considered Link briefly, but dropped the idea faster than a hot potato. There were too many fanfictions with that loser as the main character. On the off chance that somebody was to hear about this tale, they would surely write him in as the star, rather than I. And let's face it, this was my story. Samus and Peach were in the same boat as Link was as well as Zelda. All three of them were just as overrated as those stupid swordsmen!

Hmm... Zelda was certainly out of the question but...

"You." I pointed at her.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"Not you. Sheik." Sheik's ninja status might prove handy.

Zelda mumbled something incoherent before sparkles began to envelop her, transforming her. Jeez, and I thought vampires were bad. When the last of the sparkles dissipated, the ninja's deadly red eyes cut into mine. "I'm at your service," she said in her hoarse voice. "But if you kill me, I will kill you first."

Yeah, like that made perfect sense.

Then I pointed at Falco and Fox. "You two are also in." I was surprised that Fox hadn't said anything thus far. It suddenly made sense that I wasn't as annoyed as I usually was.

I'll admit, I picked them to be on my team because for the first time they would have to do whatever I said. And come on, who's going to pass up the opportunity to boss your rivals around?

Falco rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said. "I'll take one for the team."

Fox didn't say anything but his green eyes sliced into mine, his expression unreadable. Hm... I hoped he didn't prove too difficult to command. He was used to being leader after all.

"Anyone else?" Link asked.

"Snake. That's it," I said. Even though Snake's smirks were suspicious, I was aware that he was one of the greatest masters when it came to hiding which might also prove in handy. He was also pretty great with gadgets.

Link acknowledged this with a solemn nod. "Okay," he said. "I wish the best of luck to all of you. Goddess's speed."

Uh... Yeah. Whatever.

"Let's go," I said, and we exited the room. It would have been a totally badass exit too, except Falco managed to trip and land on his face with a loud squawk.

That was just great. There was no way we'd get through this mission alive.

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Sheik asked as soon as we were seated in the old Toyota Odyssey with Snake driving. It was probably a mistake to let Snake drive, but I hate driving Earth-like cars and with Sheik not knowing how to operate anything past a horse-drawn carriage as transportation and me not entirely trusting Falco and Fox, he was the only option. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Snake had the nasty habit of flooring the pedal and then suddenly stomping on the brake when he was ten feet away from the vehicle in front of us. I was sure that once I got out of the car, there would be a red mark across my chest from the amount of times my seat belt harshly prevented me from flying through the windsheild.

"I actually don't have one..." I said, after I nearly smashed my face into the air conditioning vent in front of me.

There was a collective groan in the car. "How do you not have a plan? This is serious!" Sheik said.

"I know that," I said through gritted teeth. I mean, I'd seen first hand Panther Caroso's skull almost crack after he'd attempted to buy a jacket on Black Friday. I knew the consequences of braving mob crowds. "But we won't know how bad it is until we get there."

"Well, if this traffic is any indication of how bad it's gonna be at Walmart, then I'm pretty sure it's going to be terrible. After all, the Wii-U came out a couple weeks ago, didn't it? There's bound to be a rush," Snake said, puffing away at his cigarette. "Not to mention the news of Hostess shutting down. People are going to go crazy." He suddenly slammed the brakes yet again and this time my head collided with the windshield.

Oh boy, this was going to be a lot more painful than I thought. I could already see stars in my vision.

An hour later, Snake finally pulled into Walmart, but to our utter dismay all the parking spaces were filled up. "Damn," Falco said. "Now what? I knew we should have camped out!"

"Just park in the handicapped spot," Sheik said. "It's not like anybody parks there, anyway." It was true. All the handicapped spaces were still empty. Figures. You wouldn't see a guy in a wheelchair in Walmart two days before Christmas. They don't want to commit suicide. Smart people.

"No way!" Snake scoffed. "I'm not getting this baby towed."

"This 'baby' is probably ten years old," Falco responded, an annoyed grimace settling across his beak. "Do it."

"And what are we going to do when we have no ride to get home?" I asked. I tapped my chin thoughtfully, staring at my team members. I knew I still needed Sheik and as much as I hated to admit it, Fox always had this tendency to score victories through sheer dumb luck. I needed him too.

I took a deep breath and then said, "Snake, you're going to stay in the car. Drive to a remote location until we need you. Turn your headset on so we can all communicate with each other, in case we get separated."

"But why?" Snake asked. "Why can't I just join you all?"

"Because," Fox said, speaking for the first time this whole story. "In the movies, there's always somebody who stays in a car and hacks into the security system and directs the people on the field. You know, where to go and how to avoid enemies? That's going to have to be you."

I was a little surprised that Fox spoke. But I was even more surprised that he knew exactly what I was thinking. However, I wasn't about to show him how impressed I was, so I just crossed my arms over my chest and said as seriously as I could, "Do it, Snake. For the team."

"Oh for Chrissakes, fine," Snake said, huffing and finally throwing away his cigarette butt out the window. Yikes, the EPA wouldn't like that.

He parked in front of the Walmart and pressed the button to let the sliding door open so that Sheik, Fox and Falco could come out. I unbuckled my seatbelt and said to myself, "It's show time."

"Hey, that's my line!" Snake yelled. He looked seriously pissed.

Whoops. I knew that sounded familiar. But there was no time to dwell on how wrong it was when it came to using another person's lines. Besides, it was snowing. I hate snow.

As the four of us stared at the building, shivering uncontrollably against the harsh weather, I couldn't help but notice that all the worry, the panic, the thoughts that there were probably more than a million ways that we could fail this mission, all of these things had vanished into the air. I couldn't even hear all the people who were swarming into the building. All I could hear was my own steady pulse, the rush of blood that spread out to my body, and returned to my heart. I could hear the low steady throbbing of my heart as it pumped consistently, patiently, keeping me alive. Making me stand.

I knew in that moment, that there was no turning back.

"So, what's the plan?" Sheik said again in her hoarse voice after a quiet moment.

This time, I had an answer. "Right," I said, cracking my knuckles. Into my headset I asked, "Snake, have you hacked into the security cameras yet?"

"In just about thirty seconds, I should be able to... Give me just a minute," Snake's voice crackled into my ear. "Okay, all security cameras are in place."

"Good." I turned to my team members and spoke, trying to ignore the dirty snow around us. I wasn't the type of leader to give pep talks, but I knew that they needed one now more than ever. "Listen up, guys. Before we go in, you should all know something."

I looked at Sheik's piercing red eyes, Falco's cool yet arrogant blue ones, and lastly at Fox's calm, steady green eyes. "I hate you all. I've hated every single one of you. Falco, Fox, you probably already know that I hate the living shit out of you both and that I've spent more than a quarter of my life just trying to kill you. Fox, for the obvious reasons and Falco because you're a damn bird and because you're a prick. And Sheik..." I paused, trying to think of something uplifting. "Well, as Zelda you're super hot, but you're also pretty annoying. And as Sheik, your needles hurt like a bitch. And your songs are also really annoying and they're boring." Now that I was on a roll, it was hard to stop. "Also, we all know you're freakin' Zelda so stop trying to make us all think you're a different person dressed in drag. It's not cute, it just makes you look like a freak."

"Is there a point to this aside from your own sadistic pleasure, or am I going to have to punch you?" Falco interrupted. He looked like he was about to stab me in the eye. His feathers looked distinctly ruffled.

Oh, right. "The point is that we might not always get along. But today, we must do it for sake of not only the Twinkies, a cause that I don't even believe in, but also for our lives. Once we go in, we won't be able to come back unless we all cooperate. We're not just a team now, we're a family and we're going to stick out for each other. Today, you all are my brothers-"

Sheik's red stare became even more deadly. I gulped.

"And sister, and I won't let you fail as long as you don't let me fail. Understood?"

They all nodded.

"Good. Now, we're going to split up into two teams. Sheik, you're with me. Falco and Fox, you're on your own. Do not lose sight of each other. Snake will direct us towards the Twinkies. From what I remember, the snack food items should be all the way in the back and there are only two routes to get there. Should Fox and Falco get there first, do not touch the Twinkies. Wait for Sheik and I to arrive. Until then, you two better hold the fort."

"This is a suicide mission," I overheard Falco mutter to Fox. "If we get there first, there is no way we'll be able to prevent the mob from getting at the snacks."

"Sheik is fast, so there shouldn't be too much of a delay, if there even is one..." Fox said, trailing off. Okay, this was getting even weirder. Why was Fox defending me?

Before I could dwell on it further, Snake said, "You all better get a move on. The crowd's wandering close towards the Twinkies. Nobody seems to have grabbed them yet, but it's only a matter of time before they realize..."

He was right. "Alright everyone, let's move in!" We swarmed into the supermarket. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Walmart was warm inside. That was the pro. The cons?

Freakin' Christmas songs playing.

Candy canes.

Snowflake decorations.

It's like I could live under a rock my whole life and I'd still know it was Christmas upon coming here.

And in the heart of it all, there was Bowser. Except he had a Santa hat and beard on.

Okay, what.

"He looks like he's enjoying himself," Sheik said wryly.

Around Bowser were his seven little Koopalings dressed up as elves. While all of them looked joyful and into their roles, Bowser looked like he wanted to murder the next kid that came up to him and gave him his Christmas list. Maybe that's why nobody was lining up to see him. I wanted to ask why he was even there, but I held my tongue. I remembered how nobody was really supposed to know about our quest.

"Come on, we need to leave," I muttered to Sheik and she followed me.

It was hard to get through a crowd that was moving in every single direction you could think of. I was glad that Sheik was good at following me. We passed by crying babies, annoyed parents, college students who had stacked up on wine and looked young enough to pull out a fake ID if asked. Ah, the Christmas spirit!

Okay, so maybe I don't like Christmas. I don't exactly celebrate it either. Lylat's never heard of Christmas, Hanukkah or any of those weird winter holidays, so it never really made much sense to me. Fox and Falco easily adapted to Christmas and the gift of giving or whatever bullshit it's about. Come to think of it, I never asked what it really was about.

But me? Yeah, right. Like you'd catch a villain as suave as me celebrating something as lame as Christmas.

"Snake," Fox's voice crackled into my headset. "These crowds are impossible to fight. Falco almost got his beak broken. Can you point us in a less crowded route?"

I could almost hear Snake light up another cigarette and put it between his lips through his pause. Then, through the cigarette he mumbled, "Hold on a minute."

Sheik and I made it through the baby clothes and we were slowly approaching the cosmetics section where a bunch of women were grabbing at lipsticks, foundations and nail polish.

"It's gross how they obsess over make up," Sheik said, her eyes darting at a rabid woman who was fighting another woman over some sort of "Crackle Overcoat" nail polish. It was sickening to watch, particularly one the first woman managed to rip out a chunk of the other woman's hair. Or weave, in this case. "These women are an insult to the rest of us."

"You wear make up," I told her.

"I do not wear it," Sheik said with an edge to her voice. "Zelda, however..."

Oh yeah, I forgot, they were separate people or something. To refrain from reminding Sheik that she was only a stupid alter-ego of Zelda I asked, "Fox, what's your position?"

"We're in the bathroom aisle. We're uh... We're a little held up," Fox said vaguely.

"Why?"

"Falco... He's really into the mirrors."

Oh great. I slammed my forehead in frustration against an aisle containing blush. A few of them fell off the shelves and some of the women began scrabbling at the floor for them. "Why? What is the problem?"

"He just really likes them...?" Fox said, unsure of himself.

"Or his reflection," Sheik said disgustedly.

I was seriously wondering at this point whether or not it was a good idea to bring Falco and Sheik into this mission. After all, I couldn't deal with Falco's narcissism and Sheik's apparent Multiple Personality Disorder at the same time. All I needed now was for Fox to do something really stupid and this mission would be skewered. On a shish kabob stick.

As if on cue, I heard Fox scream. There was a bunch of commotion and then a breathless, "Falco's gone, I can't find him."

Like that.

"How could you lose him?" I hissed into my headset. I dragged Sheik by the hand away from the make up and toiletries section. She was shaking her fist at a woman who had called her a, "butterface." The last thing I needed was Sheik to lecture this angry mob about feminism and how make up destroys everybody.

"I tried to pull him away from the mirrors and he scratched me in the eye. When I recovered, he was gone!"

I swore upon all that was holy in the Lylat system. Then I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how best to proceed.

"Um Wolf, you there?"

"Shut up! I can't think with your incessant whining," I said. I let go of Sheik's hand and kneaded my forehead. Maybe Link, Mario and Luigi would have been a better option. But it was too late to dwell on what could have been. "Snake, can you get a location on Falco?"

There was a pause and then Snake answered, but he sounded strange. He chuckled. "Who cares where he is?"

"Snake, what is wrong with you?" I hissed.

Snake only giggled. If you've never heard Snake giggle before, count yourself lucky. "Hey Wolf, is that you? Where are you? I can't see you. Where are..."

"Snake! Pull it together! Are you drunk?"

"He isn't drunk," Fox told me.

"Sounds like it to me!" I shot back.

"He's high. He must have been smoking something else besides just cigarettes."

I was going to explode. Really, I was. Because at this rate I only had Fox and Sheik with me. And then I heard a scream that didn't sound entirely like a girl but didn't sound entirely like a guy either.

Which could only mean one thing.

"Sheik?!" I spun around and searched for the gender-confused ninja but she wasn't anywhere. On the other hand, I did see a bandaged hand that looked familiar shooting up amidst a mob of what appeared to be angry women who were screaming about a makeover or something. One woman was brandishing a mascara wand. This looked really bad.

"Save yourself, Wolf!" she cried out. She screamed again and the mob clustered more inward, drowning her completely. I didn't hear her again.

"Wolf? Wolf, what's going on?" Fox's panicked voice came through my headset.

For a moment, I couldn't respond. That Sheik could be gone was implausible. How could it have happened? "Sheik's gone," I said after a moment's silence.

"What do you mean gone?" Fox demanded. I could hear a Merry Christmas song playing over the system, eerily joyful over our team mate's loss. Fox finally seemed to understand. "What do we do now?"

"We press on," I said finally. "We have a job to finish, McCloud. And I'll be damned if we don't see it through. We've lost some great people. We lost Falco because he couldn't handle the pressure, and now we lost one of our finest fighters, Sheik to an angry herd. But that does not mean we give up."

It was at that moment that Snake decided to say something profound. "Hey, are those people? They look like zombies." He began laughing hysterically. "Those Twinkies don't stand a chance!" Which could only mean one thing.

"Shit! Fox! Did you hear that?"

"I have ears too, Wolf," came Fox's surly response. "But what about Sheik and Falco?"

"We need to move on. Forget Falco and Sheik! They can't be saved now! Get those Twinkies!" With a battle cry, I yelled, "Here I come!"

There was an awkward silence.

"Wolf... That's my line, you prick. Get your own!" Fox sounded genuinely angry.

Damn, what the hell? Why didn't I get any good, appropriate lines? But as usual, there was no time to dwell on that. I began to run. I dodged kids, Christmas decorations, and in aisle twelve, a bunch of upended marshmallows. Ugh, this would be the last time I went to Walmart.

"Snake, am I getting closer?" I yelled.

"Gosh, everything is beautiful," Snake sighed contentedly.

"Snake!" Fox screamed. "Pull yourself together." I could hear a crash coming from Fox's end that sounded painful.

"I don't like people yelling at me," Snake said. He sounded bewildered. "Where are these voices coming from?"

"Just leave it, Fox. We're gonna have to do it blind. Describe your location to me!" I turned the corner where a bunch of oranges were stacked and came face to face with the Twinkies. They were sitting there fifty feet away, wedged between the Nutty Bars, and the Swiss Rolls. They were untouched and fresh.

I had to have them.

There was another crash and I heard Fox yelp. I suddenly realized that I couldn't only hear it in my headset - I could actually hear his yelp behind me. And when I turned around, there he was, nearly thirty feet away by the milk and eggs. But he wasn't alone. Behind him were shoppers.

But these were no ordinary shoppers.

They were monsters. Their mouths were frothing, they were armed with 20% off coupons, and worse - They were carrying reusable shopping bags.

I mean, come on. Who goes to the grocery store that prepared? Monster shoppers, that's who.

And well, I suppose those who are concerned with protecting the environment. But they don't count.

I stared at their hungry eyes and they stared back at me, trying to assess the threat. We realized it at the same time - Which is when Fox limped to my side, panting. That two against a crowd of about a hundred is a sure victory for their side. And that's when I came upon another realization.

That this was a suicide mission.

"What now?" Fox said, clutching his side and breathing heavily. He didn't seem to realize it yet - That we were trapped. And that the only way to go down was to go down fighting. We could be heroes. But we would die in the process.

As I looked sideways at Fox, I realized something important - That this was my fight and that I wouldn't have died any other way. That I wanted Fox to die fighting at my side.

"Fox," I said.

He looked back at me. I didn't have to complete the rest. I didn't have to tell him that he was the best rival I'd ever have, and therefore the best friend I'd ever come close to having. He knew in that one instantaneous look what I wanted to say but couldn't. If only we were born on the same side, we could've been great together. We could have ruled the world.

And then the moment was shattered when a shopper lunged at Fox. I snarled at the shopper, swiping at him with my claws. "Hands off my prey!"

The shoppers all paused and groaned. I wondered what I'd said wrong.

It became clear a moment later, when Falco seemed to come out of nowhere, skidding to a halt and almost topping the shelf full of Twinkies over. The boxes wobbled precariously. "That's my line!" he growled. "Go find your own! And use it properly!"

Oops.

"Falco!" Fox cried with delight. He seemed pretty happy to see somebody who had just scratched at his eye.

A Twinkie box fell to the floor. Everybody stared at it as it plopped to the floor with a resounding thud. Taking advantage of the shocked silence, I dashed madly for it, and that's when the real battle began. All the shoppers lunged forward. It was like fighting a hundred Alloys.

Except the Alloys were people. And they all looked different. And they were swinging their shopping bags at us. And they were smarter. And they didn't give up so easily.

Okay, so I guess it wasn't really like fighting Alloys. The point was that I'd never fought as hard as I did at that moment because there were so many people. I punched, kicked, bit and even used my reflector a couple of times, which wasn't strictly legal outside Smash Headquarters.

As I dropkicked a shopper, I realized that even with Falco, the chances of a victory were pretty slim. I swiped three Twinkie boxes off the floor, but it was hard to hold these in my hand and fight at the same time. What I needed was another warrior. Maybe then we'd have a chance...

I managed to get rid of five shoppers with one sweep kick and did a victory pose by raising a clawed hand right above my forehead and putting my hand out in front of me in a holding position. I hoped this worked, but I knew it probably wouldn't.

"Honestly, Wolf. What you're doing is blatant plagiarism," came a hoarse voice on my right. It was Sheik. "That's my pose."

My mouth dropped. I didn't think it would actually work. I was so stunned, I didn't notice a shopper dressed in hipster clothing lunging at me with a tomato in hand. Thankfully, Sheik stopped him by lashing her whip out at him, stopping his arm in its tracks.

"But how...?" I asked, as I resumed fighting.

I couldn't see it, but I knew Sheik was smiling through that mask, make up free. "Never doubt a ninja, O'Donnell. Or Wet-Ones for that matter." I didn't ask. I was just happy to see that my team mates on the field had finally banded together.

With the four of us, the tide of the battle slowly but surely turned in our favor. In fact, we either beat all the shoppers, or they ended up fleeing. To top it off, I still had the three boxes left when Fox defeated the last one.

I surveyed the wreckage around us. There were broken pickle jars, smashed eggs, toppled shelves and the weirdest of all, sushi still wrapped in its case, completely untouched. We'd done a lot of damage, but we made it.

"We're done, boys!" I declared.

Sheik coughed loudly.

"Er... I mean, guys?"

Sheik was still frowning, but I suspected she wasn't as offended as before.

And then I heard the loud footsteps that drowned out, "Jingle Bell Rock."

"Hands off the merchandise, Wolf!" Bowser growled. He still had his Santa Claus suit on. Around him were his little Koopalings dressed as elves. He noticed my expression and sneered. "What? You think I didn't notice you sneak in? I know what you're after. You're after those!" He pointed his fat finger at the Twinkies I was carrying.

"We worked hard for those! You can't just take them!" Falco said.

"Silence! Santa does whatever he wants!" One of his Koopalings - Wendy I think - said.

"Santa?" Sheik said. "That isn't Santa! Santa wouldn't do something like this!"

"Shut up!" Bowser said. He ripped the fake beard and suit off. I noticed that he left the Santa cap on. "Those Twinkies are mine! I didn't come to this Walmart just to play Santa. I came for those! And you're holding the last three left!"

I realized he was right. The rest of the Twinkie boxes had either vanished with the fleeing shoppers or had been smashed due to battle. I stared at the three boxes in my hands. I wasn't sure I could beat him in a battle. I was already exhausted as it was. "Maybe we can come to an agreement, Bowser," I said as soothingly as I could.

Bowser thought about it for not even a second before he said, "What about this? You against me. Let's leave our team members out of it. Whoever walks out of this ring with the other one down, wins the Twinkies." I wanted to refuse. I was too tired to fight after all. Maybe Sheik would vanish us out of here in smoke with that weird ninja move of her's.

But then Bowser said something that fired me up. "What's the matter, scared?" he taunted.

It wasn't so much what he said, because I'll admit a lot of people say that line. It was how he said it. "Oh hell no," I said, my fists tightening. Now I understood how Snake, Falco, Fox and Sheik felt like. "That. Is. My. Line."

I shoved the boxes into Fox's hands. "Don't you dare eat these," I growled at him. Fox must've seen the murderous look in my eyes because he merely gulped and didn't say another word.

"I'll be the one to take you down!" I declared towards Bowser. It felt good to say that. It felt right. Probably because it was something that I, as Wolf O'Donnell of Star Wolf, was supposed to say.

Bowser roared and with a big spurt of flames coming from his mouth he entered the fight. Around us, the Koopalings, Fox, Falco, and Sheik all formed a circle. They cheered.

Sheik let out an intense hiss.

Falco reassured me. "Piece of cake."

Fox said nothing, only staring at me intently. His gaze seemed to say, Win this for not just all of us, but for yourself.

In my ear, Snake said with a hysterical giggle, "Mei Ling! Samus took her clothes off!" Well, I guess it was better than nothing.

At this point, you probably want to know how the battle turned out right? You want a scene by scene play, detailing my glorious fight scenes? Yeah, I wanted that too, but believe me, it took hours. It wasn't clever, it wasn't fast and by the end of it, I was bruised up and bloody. Bowser was even worse off. Giving a play by play would take up more than the rest of my 3,000 words I needed to complete this story. Besides, there's already too much action in this story already. For crying out loud, what else do you want? This isn't some mindless fiction with only action in it! It's about so much more!

Needless to say, we won as most great stories go. But in the process, I'd suffered a broken arm, a bloody lip and my eye had been swollen shut. But the important thing was that I was left standing, and Bowser, whom I ended up pushing over as my final move, fainted and did not stir. The Koopalings cried about how we'd killed Santa Claus. Those poor devils probably didn't know that Santa Claus wasn't real.

Well, he isn't, so stop looking at me like that!

"Mission complete!" Fox declared. I had a feeling he'd wanted to say that for the longest time.

"Let's get out of here," I said to my team mates and then stared at Fox's hands. There was only one box left in his hands. "Where are the other two?" I asked, as I snatched the last box for safe keeping.

It was a stupid question to ask. Falco had chocolate all over his beak and Sheik's mask was smeared with something that looked suspiciously like cream filling. I just hoped one box would be enough. As we left the Walmart, looking like war-torn heroes, I couldn't help but love the fresh bite of winter's wind against my face. It cooled me down, it made me relax. It made me realize something important.

We had won.

In the end, Fox ended up driving home because Snake was in an... ah, altered state of mind. He kept singing Christmas songs and talking about how he'd been naughty all year long because Samus did in fact, take her clothes off. Falco, Fox, Sheik and I all exchanged glances, but we decided not to ask. Better to keep some things in the dark.

I trusted Fox to drive after everything that had happened between us. And even more important, when I delivered the battered box of Twinkies to Link and Mario they were delighted. Peach hugged me. Samus slapped me (Affectionately, I surmised, but you never know with her.) and said I wasn't hopeless after all. I considered telling her about what Snake had said, but decided against it. Too much violence right before Christmas wasn't such a good thing.

"And now, I'd like to know," I said. "What this was all about."

Mario and Luigi gave me solemn looks. "In order to understand, Wolf O'Donnell of the Star Wolf team, you must first join our leagues and take the oath that binds us all together," Luigi said in his reverent tone.

I'd almost forgotten how weird they were. But instead of questioning it, I just went played along. I'd seen too many strange things to understand that I couldn't understand everything in life. "Yeah, yeah I swear to join your league. Whatever," I grumbled.

Luigi pursed his lips and warned, "Once you join, you can never leave. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yeah," I said carelessly. Whatever it was, it couldn't be as bad as what I'd faced in Walmart. Sometimes, even now, I still get nightmares of that day.

And then Peach unraveled a banner and I looked at it curiously before I realized what it was. It was a picture of Marth and Ike.

Except they were kissing.

French kissing.

Fuck.

"What have I done?!" I screamed, as I stared at the badly photoshopped picture.

It was like staring at a bad car accident. It was so horrible, and yet I kept on looking.

"You have joined the Bluenette Shipping Yaoi Fanclub! Rejoice, for there can be no more secretive yet serious club than ours!" Luigi cried. He somehow mistook my scream of dread into a yelp of delight. I couldn't believe it.

"We've been trying to pair up Ike and Marth for two years now! We hope that their shared love for Twinkies might bring them closer together."

Oh, did they? I glared at everybody's faces. It was easy to see why Peach, Zelda and Samus would be into this kind of stuff, seeing as how they were girls. I mean, everybody knows that you're not a girl if you don't like yaoi!

It was also easy to see why Link, Mario and Luigi were also into it, if you take into account as to how weird and out of character they were in the beginning of this story.

But Falco? Snake? Fox? I glanced at Fox's face, and once again his expression was unreadable.

I didn't ask for this and I couldn't unsee it anymore.

"Cheer up, kid," Snake said, correctly interpreting my expression of utmost horror and depression. "It isn't that bad."

Except it was. Nobody would ever understand my hatred towards those swordsmen and the way they always stealed the spotlight.

Stole.

Whatever.

It was finally the day of Christmas and yet I was in no mood to celebrate. Oh hell, when was I ever in the mood? Everybody was laughing and having a good time in the snow. Everybody had unwrapped their presents. The kids were all participating in a big snowball fight. Nana was currently winning. She always did have better aim with that hammer than her brother.

Marth and Ike enjoyed the Twinkies immensely and thanked us for them but it did not, as Luigi predicted, draw them close.

Although, Link did report that he spotted Ike look at Marth a lot more today on average than on any other day. I'm just telling you this because it's what I heard, okay? It's not like I wanted to hear it. I'm forced to hear this kind of stuff now.

All day, Peach, Zelda and Samus had been trying to put mistletoe over their heads but it wasn't working. Both swordsmen did not kiss that evening, much to everyone's dismay. Except mine, it seemed.

As for me? Well I found myself alone, watching the kids play. Because Christmas was stupid. Because I messed up big time. Because I thought, for one glorious moment that I'd been victorious.

And it wasn't until Fox sat down next to me that I finally understood all along. "You knew, and you didn't stay anything," I said, thinking back to his expression when I first took on the mission.

Fox nodded. "Falco has always been a Bluenette Shipper, but you know how image is everything to Falco, and he knew he'd get teased for it. When I finally found out, I was forced to join even though I didn't want to. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because I was forced into secrecy." He paused and then added, "Besides, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see you suffer."

It made sense how he was so nice to me the whole mission. He wanted me to succeed because he knew this would happen!

That prick!

"I assume the same thing happened to Snake?" I asked, biting back the barrage of insults I had in store for him.

"Well, yes and no," Fox admitted. "Snake's always trying to find out about everyone's business and when he found it out, he got caught. But he doesn't mind being in the club. In fact, I think he enjoys being part of it a little. You know how weird he is when he smokes pot? Well I don't think he's only weird when he smokes pot."

I nodded and shuddered vigorously, then frowned and looked down at the pure, white snow. "I just... I just thought that I was doing something worthwhile for once." It sounded stupid admitting it. But there it was. "I was so caught up with winning at something, that I didn't realize what the reward would be, and then I didn't even want it."

Fox smiled, his olive green eyes staring at Toon Link who had finally hit Lucas in the face with a giant snowball. "Are you really sure you didn't want it, Wolf?"

I grumbled, "Of course I didn't. I don't want to be part of this stupid fanclub!"

"Neither do I. But," he said, finally turning towards me. "Think about how you were before. You were alone. You were friendless. And now?"

I thought about it. But only for a second. "Still alone. Still friendless. Just the way I like it."

Fox shook his head. "Maybe. But for that one day and that one time, you weren't. You had us. You had Falco and all his narcissism, you had Snake and his high, you had Sheik and her personality disorder and you had me."

"Yeah," I grumbled. "My worst enemy."

"Yes," Fox said. "But you liked us and all our flaws. You enjoyed being with us. And you know what that makes you?"

"What?" I said, but I had a feeling I already knew what he was going to say.

"That makes you weirder than all of us combined." And with those parting words, he got up and was gone.

I sat there for a long time. Was there a point to any of this? Not really. I guess there was no Christmas-y moral either. But I sat there until long after the kids finished their snowball fight and traipsed back into Smash Headquarters all wet, yet happy at their day well spent. When I got up, I finally got it down right.

Fox was right. I am really weird.

But then, as I watched Fox join Falco and Snake for a cup of wine and Zelda shift into Sheik so that she could have another go at placing mistletoe above Ike and Marth's head, I had to wonder... Was that such a bad thing?

I shrugged.

More importantly, I thought, as the cold stars finally came back up with their ancient sparkle, who really cared?

After all, I was finally the star of my own story.

This is by far, the longest one-shot I have ever written, being about 8.5 K words. Yeesh! I hope you enjoyed it, as I did writing it. Once I started, I kind of couldn't stop. As stated in the summary, this was for MoD and Tune's Fireside Tales Contest. I think everybody who reads this should check out the other contestants as well simply because I'm sure there are some great submissions!

If you actually managed to make it to the end, I'd love it if you told me what you thought about this. It was my first shot at the humor genre (I'm mostly into angst and tragedy and the like, since my life is like, so depressing and stuff...) and I'm not entirely sure if it was that great considering the colossal length of it all. But anyway, I'd love to hear feedback if there's any at all. And happy holidays, all! Even if you don't celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah (Heck, I don't!) there's always winter break.