It was two in the morning, and Jamie was still awake. He suspected the reason for it was that he was, for once in his life, terrified of dreaming. The second his mind started to wander, it was always filled with fake images of him and Jack fighting, or—the more disturbing scenes—shots of Jack kissing Toothiana… Jamie wasn't sure if that scene was as important as his jealous brain was making it out to be.

Jack's never kissed me like that… Jamie pouted, biting his lip as the kiss played in his mind again. The winter spirit looked so determined when he embraced Toothiana. So…passionate? No, that wasn't the word… Desperate. There was no grace behind his actions. He had grabbed her firmly and urgently, as if afraid she would escape. The more Jamie thought about it, the more he wondered what had driven the Guardian to act so aggressively.

Of course, the more he thought about it the more he worried. Why was Jack kissing her in the first place? How long ago was that? Why weren't they together now? Did it even happen, or was the Sandman just fucking with him?

Did Sandy think his mind was his own personal psychological torture chamber? Jamie definitely didn't need a bunch of messed-up, double/triple-meaning-dreams every other night. First the dream where Jack talked about... practically killing himself… Then another hinting at his angst-ridden past. It was all extremely confusing and Jamie didn't know if he could figure it all out on his own… The only thing he was a hundred percent sure of was that Jack had done some shit. Exactly what it was or how serious it had been, Jamie didn't know…

Jamie felt a light tug on his hair and noticed Jack had gone back to playing with it. For some reason, it didn't have its usual hypnotizing affect on him. In fact, for the first time, Jamie found it irritating. With a discreet exhale, Jamie turned over on his side, pretending to be asleep as Jack gave up messing his hair to spoon him affectionately. Jamie could feel every cold breath the Guardian took on his neck. It was annoying.

It wasn't until a few hours later did Jamie realize it wasn't just the hair tugging and freezing breath that drove him crazy. It was the normality of the situation. Jack acted so calm and innocent. All this time, he kept on pretending he wasn't hiding secrets from Jamie. How could he act so happy while he hid nearly all of his true emotions? The time the winter spirit told him of his transformation into a Guardian was the last time he'd ever gotten a straight answer out of Jack concerning his feelings. And, yes, Jamie realized it was a traumatic experience and it was amazing that Jack had been so honest with him… But now he wasn't even sure if what Jack told him was completely true.

"You died, Jack! … You actually, properly died!"

His dream refused to leave his thoughts, even though he'd made every attempt to forget about it. He was frustrated with so many things; Jack, for not being honest. Time, for not slowing down. And himself for letting the most idiotic and paranoid thoughts interrupt what could have been the best moment of his teenage life.

Sure, stuff happened that afternoon… but not the kind of stuff Jamie thought he was ready for. They didn't go All The Way… the reason being something Jamie couldn't think about without loathing himself.

It was like his brain shut down immediately at the thought of sex. He'd been so ready for it earlier that afternoon, in the locker room stall wanting nothing more than to strip every bit of clothing off the winter spirit's body… So what was stopping him later? Jamie knew that most people didn't consider sex such a big deal. He certainly didn't… at least… not until a few hours ago, apparently. He knew he had been ready for it since he was fifteen so he just expected, when the time came, he'd be able to Do It. What he really didn't foresee was him in his bedroom, undressing someone, being bitten all over, and not fucking their brains out. His past self would have punched him in the face, no doubt.

Jamie let out a low grumble, clearing his throat and turning over again so Jack would let go of him. He kept his eyes closed and rubbed the back of his neck where the spirit had been breathing on. He dared to cast a quick glance at Jack through his eyelashes and noticed the Guardian's eyes were also closed. He wasn't sleeping, but seemed to just be relaxing. How dare he look so calm?

That was when Jamie realized what had been holding him back.

He didn't consider sex a big deal, and never had. What he did care about was something more than that. The subconscious realization hit him in the middle of foreplay, causing unknown discomfort and anxiety, but now he knew why. He wanted something…more. Something that surpassed the casual mood of You Made A Dumb Joke So Let's Do It sex, because that was what their activities that afternoon had boiled down to. Jamie wanted…something straight out of the female protagonist's monologue in a cheesy romance novel… He wanted to make love.

Fuck. Jamie felt bile flip around in his stomach; just thinking that phrase made him want to puke. But there was no other way to describe what he wanted… He felt a connection to Jack. He could quite possibly be in love with him, if not for one blatant requirement.

Trust was so very important when loving someone, and making love with someone. And in all honesty, Jack hadn't given Jamie any solidified reason to have faith in him. The teenager's abandonment issues kept resurfacing every time he thought of Jack's seven-year disappearing act and he couldn't let that go easily at all, as much as he tried. It bothered him, not being able to get over it… Jack had been so sweet about the whole thing, apologizing like crazy and almost making Jamie fall in love with him in the process… So why was he having such a hard time trusting Jack? Fuck, he knew the answer… but attempting to analyze it on his own just left Jamie's brain a confused and desperate mess.

He needed clear answers. And he needed them soon if he had any hopes of getting into Jack's pants without unmanageable internal conflict.

So Jamie reached a conclusion in his stupor. He sat up slowly, feeling Jack's arms release him.

Jack snapped out of his relaxed trance with a small mumble. "What's wrong, Jamie?" The spirit asked. Jamie saw his piercing blue eyes reflect the light of the moon as it shone through the windows. The teenager sighed and swung his legs around to sit cross-legged and face Jack properly.

He looked directly into Jack's eyes. "Not to sound like a clichéd soap opera, but… 'We need to talk'." Jamie attempted a joke, but his heart wasn't in it. Jack gave him a little grin before sitting up as well, crossing his legs so his knees were touching Jamie's.

"Alright," He had a light smile on, but could tell he needed to talk about something serious, so he used a cautious tone. "What do we need to talk about?"

"I need to… ask you some questions."

This made the Guardian raise an eyebrow warily. "Alright… shoot."

Jamie thought for a moment. "…What happened after the night you saved us from Pitch?"

"I already told you." The tiny smile on his pale lips appeared and vanished quickly. "The Man in the Moon talked to us and told us to stay away from Burgess."

"Right." But he wasn't even close to being done. "Okay, how did you turn into an Essence?"

"I told you that, too."

"Humor me."

Jack sighed, answering reluctantly. "I fell in a lake."

"And?"

"And before drowning I turned into an Essence. It saved me."

"Uh-huh. Yeah, and how long have you been a Guardian?"

"A Guardian? Almost eight years. But I've been an Essence for way longer."

"How long?"

"About three hundred years."

"What did you do before people could see you?" His questions were paced with calculation.

"I don't know. In the beginning I mastered my powers, and then made it snow and stuff… It was actually pretty fun."

"Did you get lonely?"

Jack didn't even pause. "No."

"Why did you disobey the Man in the Moon and come and get me a week early?" Jack thought Jamie's questions were random, but the answers he was giving were telling Jamie exactly what he needed to know, subtext or not.

"Because I wanted to see you."

"But you'd 'seen' me before when you were stalking me."

"I wasn't… stalking…—"

"Do you love me, Jack?"

This definitely slipped him up. "Do I—?"

"I mean, are you in love with me?"

Jack blinked at him, just twice. The gears in his head spinning a mile a minute. "Am I in love with you?" He recited the question back at the brunet, who nodded without breaking his poker face.

"I…" He knew the answer. Damn it, he'd known the answer for so long, so why was it sticking in his throat like syrup? "Do I love you? Am I in love with you? I… Jamie, I don't know." He ran his fingers through his icy hair, avoiding eye contact completely. "We… We've only…been together…a few days, really…ah…I…" His words were shattering the thick silence like staggering blades thrown by uncertain hands. Only upon being confronted with the question directly did Jack see the flaw in logic his emotions were causing. He shouldn't love Jamie. Jamie is the last person on Earth he should be in love with. An immortal and a teenager? Really? Who in their right mind would think that would be a good, happy, totally regret-free combination?

"That is…a serious question, Jamie…" The laugh Jack had planned came out breathy and short.

"It is." Jamie agreed in monotone. "That's why I asked it."

"Wow, um…" Jack swallowed, biting his lip before regaining enough courage to look him in the eye. "I can't… What do you want me to say, Jamie?"

The teenager shrugged. "I dunno, maybe the truth?"

"Love is such a strong word, though!" Jack cringed, still fumbling with the response. He needed an answer that wouldn't hurt either of them. And for some reason, labeling the flips he got in his stomach every time he looked at Jamie as "love" set the situation up for imminent failure. He couldn't let Jamie get hurt. In the back of his mind, (in fact, what was quickly dominating his thoughts) Jack knew there would be no happy ending for the both of them. He couldn't let Jamie, or himself get too attached.

"No, Jamie. If you're gonna put it like that… I don't love you." Jack never thought he could feel physical pain from speaking such simple words. "I'm… I'm not in love with you… It's too soon to start saying stuff like that…" He didn't hang his head. He simply looked off at the empty space beside Jamie's body. He tugged at the sleeve of his frost-ridden hoodie, scared that he might start crying dare he make a move more drastic than that.

He didn't know what kind of reaction he'd expected. A disappointed sigh? Tears? Anger? He got none of them, whatever it was he may have decided on. Instead he got a few seconds silence, to panic over what he'd just said and worry about what this meant for them, and then Jamie spoke in a calm, matter-of-fact voice that threw him off.

"I can tell when you're lying, y'know."

Jack looked up, confusion on his face meeting Jamie's soft expression.

"You fiddle with your sleeve." Jamie explained with a light smile, pulling Jack's hand away from his hoodie. "You've been doing it this entire interrogation."

"Oh, so you do admit that's what you were doing?" Jack couldn't help returning the grin.

"Of course." He chuckled. "I needed answers, after all."

"Yeah, but was nearly giving me a heart attack really necessary?"

"Sorry to make you panic." Jamie apologized genuinely, kissing Jack sweetly. "When you do tell me you love me, I want it to be when you're ready, not because I forced you to."

"Thank you." He kissed the brunet back. "What brought all those questions up all of a sudden, anyway?"

Jamie bit the inside of his cheek, facing the reality that the subject wasn't gonna go away until he told Jack about it, so he began.

"I've been having dreams. Bad dreams."

Jack jolted to attention. "Nightmares? Do you think Pitch—"

"No, I don't think they're nightmares." Jamie interrupted, causing Jack to relax but hold an intrigued expression. "They're not… scary, per se… but they are jarring. I've had nightmares before but these dreams have been nothing like them. They feel a bit surreal. Like, I'm watching memories of someone else. Like somebody's thoughts are being forced on me."

The winter spirit took a moment to think that over. "That's…not good." He responded plainly. "Sandy usually shows you exactly what you want to see. That's the whole point of his dreams… If they've been bothering you, then he's most likely trying to tell you something…"

"I was afraid you'd say that…" He mumbled almost inaudibly.

Jack looked at Jamie for a moment, taking in his worried expression with concern. "I hope I don't regret asking this, but…what have you been dreaming about, Jamie?" He leaned in close, his voice low; as if afraid he might startle him.

Jamie took a moment to mull over his answer, the dreams playing in his head for the umpteenth time. He bit his lip, swallowing before giving the easiest answer.

"You." He didn't meet Jack's gaze. There was a pause to allow him to elaborate. "But… not at all in a good way."

Jamie had his head lowered again, his bangs had fallen in front of his face and his words were stuck in his throat. Jack exhaled slowly, putting on a comforting smile as he reached over to gently caress the hair away from his eyes. "…Do you want to tell me about them?"

It was a few seconds before the teenager could organize his thoughts. Jamie nodded slowly and took a calming breath in before telling him the whole thing. His dream he had a few nights ago was first on the list. Then the others followed. Each time he added more detail to his description, he became increasingly nervous. He scratched at his left forearm and rubbed the back of his neck intermediately. He left out the scene of the two of them fighting; why worry him with that when it had definitely not happened? Plus Jamie hated thinking about fighting with Jack any more than he already did.

It was only until he'd finished did Jack show any reaction. His expression was hard to read, but the small sigh he let out made Jamie even more agitated.

"…What do you want me to tell you?" Surprisingly, this was the only think Jack asked after a few moments of silence.

Jamie thought about that question, and Jack's exhausted tone bugged him. He felt his own rise and whine a bit. "…Did any of it actually happen?" He was desperate at this point. He'd opened up to Jack about a very serious topic that had tormented him emotionally, and the only reaction he got was a tired, monotonous question. The least Jack could do was look worried.

"Do you want the truth?" His repetition of their previous conversation vexed him.

Jamie exhaled heavily. "Dear God, Jack, yes. Of course I want the damn truth. Are you really going to pull this again?"

"Pull what again?" His voice hadn't risen yet, but he had become slightly defensive.

"That thing you do," Jamie wasn't angry, just irritated; his energy all but spent at the telltale signs of another fight brewing between the two of them. "When you can tell I'm about to get upset, or… or start crying, so you keep the important details to yourself."

"You think I do that for your sake?" Jack's tone was cold.

This caught Jamie off guard. "I… well, why else would you—"

"Maybe I don't say certain things because I don't want to think about them." Now he was getting riled up. "But, hey, you wanted the truth? Alright: Yes. That stuff did happen. I did kiss Tooth, I did think about 'killing' myself. It all happened a long time ago. After we'd left you. After we were forbidden from even checking on you. I got low. I thought about how unfair it was—how unfair it was for me. I mean, I'd finally gotten my first believer, and he was amazing. And just like that, I had to leave him. I thought, what's the point? Why do I bother getting my hopes up anymore? I mean, sure, there'd still be people who believe in me, but for how much longer? Everyone grew up, like you, and they forgot. They left me. It's always like that with me. They leave me, or I have to leave them."

Jack took a second to catch his breath, and then pressed on in a more solemn tone. "Of course, I never told the Guardians any of that, but they could tell I was upset. But Tooth was the only one to actually do anything about it. She spent as much time as she could around me, comforting me and, I don't know, making me feel welcome, or something. Because even though I was part of the Guardians, the rest of them kinda went back to their daily lives after the night we saved you… It's not like they forgot about me, it was more like they had other things to think about.

"Tooth was different, though. And in all honesty, when I kissed her that night… I was just lonely. I guess three hundred years of being alone didn't numb me enough. Of course things between us didn't work out. I was using her like an anchor, keeping me grounded; desperately hoping the rope wouldn't break. Long story short, she couldn't handle it, and we went our separate ways.

"That's all that happened, so if you're jealous or worried, don't bother. I honestly have no idea why Sandy would show you that time in my life because it shouldn't be any concern of yours."

Jamie had a hard time swallowing all of that. His eyes were wide and he looked at Jack with mild terror. This side of Jack… Was this really what he'd been keeping to himself the whole time? This deep, upsetting abandonment issue? Jamie almost chuckled at the irony; the main person responsible for his fear of abandonment had a fear of his own.

"I…I think I know why he did it."

Jack met his gaze again, awaiting explanation.

"He wanted to show me that you've done things you're not proud of either. We've both done stupid stuff… We thought about ending our lives, and I actually attempted to… He was telling me that you and I aren't as different as we always seem to be. And… maybe that's why I should become an Essence."

Jack's attitude soured immediately. "What? Is that what he told you?"

"No, but, I mean… It makes sense, doesn't it?"

"No it doesn't! I thought we went over this; you're not seriously considering becoming an Essence again, are you? After what I told you?"

"But if that's what the Guardians and the Man in the Moon have been going for all these years then—"

"What about what I've been going for? Your safety! Jamie, becoming an Essence isn't some walk in the park, okay. You could end up like me. I lost my memories for three hundred years! What if that happens to you, huh? What if you become an Essence and then don't even know my name? There are so many risks and just thinking about any possible outcome makes me sick."

Jack had his head in his hands. Jamie's own moved their way to Jack's shoulders as they shook with the threat of tears.

"I'm terrified of losing you, Jamie. And I know it's going to happen at some point because it always does. I lost my family, I lost the Guardians, and lost my will to live. I just know anything amazing in my life will be ripped away at any second and I just can't take it anymore! I'm so scared to tell you I love you because as soon as I do, it's just a matter of time before you're gone. I hate this! I hate not being honest with you or myself; anything I say will just jinx this small bit of happiness I can grab. So please… don't become an Essence… Don't even think about doing it or so help me… I could never forgive myself."

They couldn't keep pretending nothing was going to happen on his eighteenth birthday. Jamie just wasn't sure becoming an Essence was really a choice at this point…

The teenager swallowed hard, finally deciding to end his seemingly endless list of questions the plagued his waking and unconscious mind. "Jack… you died that night, three hundred years ago, didn't you?"

Jack waited a beat before answering. "…Yes, Jamie… I drowned in freezing water. In front of my sister." He didn't even bother holding his tears back. His words pushed through his hoarse voice with determination. He was going to tell Jamie the truth this time, he deserved that much. "I was trying to save her. She would've fallen in if I hadn't…" He choked on a sob. "…I could hear her screams until the moment I blacked out. It hurt so much, Jamie. Dying was cold, and painful, and lonely. It's only been a few years since I've gotten back my memories of that night, but from what I can figure out, I was down in that lake a long time. From the time I drowned to the moment I resurfaced, my surroundings had changed. My guess is that my body had been underwater for at least a decade… and thinking about that now makes it sound insane. I mean, I suppose I would never have any solid evidence to confirm just how long it had actually been, had I not seen her…"

"Her?" Jamie was leaning in, hanging on every word that fell from Jack's unguarded mouth.

"My sister." Jack's gaze met his again with a new kind of seriousness. One tainted with age and melancholy, as if the past three hundred years had only just taken effect. "I saw her, Jamie. It was only after I'd restored my memories of the night I was reborn did I recognize the faces I'd seen then. My sister was there. She was all grown up. She had her own family and everything; a husband and two kids. She was there that night I rose from the lake. She was there and she couldn't see me. Her own brother. I was right in front of her and she couldn't see me. She walked. Right. Through. Me." Jack was clutching Jamie's arm, tears streaming down his face and desperation staining the importance of his words. "Don't become an Essence. I can't let you turn into something like that, Jamie. I can't let the same thing happen to you. I want to be able to see you. All the time. I want you to remember me forever. I don't need another jinx on my fate.

"So don't make me say that I love you. Because as soon as I do I know the world is going to make me regret it."

...

so on the way back from seeing catching fire i had to walk a few blocks to get to my car...in the beautiful, beautiful snow...of course i got all sentimental and had to rush home immediately to write all this

...anyway, i think it's about time i write up a FAQ:

1: "You write Jamie too bitchy/depressed/selfish/imperfect and I hate him."

The first time I saw a comment like this I had typed out a 700+ word reply to them that I intended to put in the end of one of my chapters, but realized it wasn't worth it. When I saw a comment like it again, and then again, I realized there were some things I needed to clear up for real this time:

Yall don't seem to realize that you're not supposed to like him. Awesome, if you do, if you think he's realistic and human and basically understand where I'm coming from with his character. (if you are one of those intelligent people then this rant isn't for you bc I love u.)

Just because he's the protagonist doesn't mean he has to be perfect and sweet and always right okay. He's a dumb little teenager who makes mistakes and has a mental illness. (depression. Yah. Maybe that's why he's "a cry baby" jfc you rude little pleb.) also… even though this is fanfiction, Jamie is, without a proper way to phrase it: "my character". it's just the way I chose to write him and if he seems unrealistic or OOC, I'm sorry you see it that way.

He isn't going to continue being a little brat, by the way. A good story has character development and, depending on how well I work it out and if you continue to read this story all the way through, I hope you can see it.

2: "Are you going to finish this story?"

Heck y eah I am. Im gonna finish this goddamn story if it's the last thing I do. do not worry, my friends. (just how long that might take will…depend on many things. And stuff. Stuff and things.)

3:"[criticism/complaint]."

Please be kind. My feelings r fragile and when u point out something wrong or something you disagree with it makes me not want to write anymore and that sucks. Pls dont hurt me or my writing omfg it is like a child to me. Sorry I sound like a whiny pansy, but I am. Idk how you've gotten this far into my writing and not realized that.

4: "[more complaining.]"

Geeeeeeez why are you getting so worked up over this. It's just fanfiction. Don't b upsetti have some spaghetti.

k thanks guys i'll write more if i get enough positive feedback bye i love u all