On that day, Cartman decided she had one mission: to milk being a chick for as long as she can. She didn't know much about girls (And definitely not because guy Cartman was gay or anything...) but she sure knows how to pretend to be one.

Thanks to the influence of her hyper-feminine mother, as well as her slew of cross dressing 'playtime fun' as a child, Eric was pretty sure she knew how to make for a convincing female, but she had no clue as to how far she could stretch the truth before the little charade would be found out by one of the smarter students like Wendy Testaburger. Cartman knew the basics, though.

Numero uno— She needed to figure out what kind of girl she was. And secondly, she needed a name and a convincing backstory that didn't lead to any more inconvenient lies.

If she knew how to play the game, the possibility of milking the rewards of this endeavor was too irresistible.

And to start the game, she needed a trial.

And that's what she thought of as she pretended to look around, seemingly lost as she trudged towards the ever-familiar stop sign.

Kyle, Stan and Kenny were already there, right on time. They didn't notice her coming towards them until they heard the crunch of the snow from her steps about a meter away.

"Dude... Who is that chick?" Kenny asked, his dick already sending a homing signal over to the unknown visitor.

As if Kyle was expecting the question (he totally was. He thought of about 4 possible scenarios in his head before heading to the bus stop)

"That's the new girl, Erica"

The sudden mention of the name 'Erica' made Cartman skip a step that almost ended with her face on the ground, but she was swiftly caught by Stan in a knight-in-shining-armor kind of way. (Sparkles included)

Too used to girls 'falling' for him on a day to day basis, he politely helped her stand before giving 'Erica' a smile.

Kyle had to close his mouth just to keep the puke in. Funny how he realized he and Stan switched roles for a second.

"Hey, be careful. The snow and ice can fuck you over when you aren't paying attention." Stan beamed.

Unused to such kindness from his hippie-bastard-friend, her cheeks grew hot as she fumbled for a decent retort.

"A-are you sure you're referring to the snow and not you?" She managed to spit out in an indistinguishable accent, trying to keep up the charade.

The raven-haired boy chuckled and stepped back into his usual spot.

"So anyway- as I was saying" Kyle cleared his throat.

"This is Erica. She's an exchange student from-"

Before Kyle could make any more plot holes in Cartman's perfect script, she jumped towards the redhead and slapped him on the shoulder.

"You guys seem pretty familiar with one another…" Kenny surmised as he looked at them both. Stan simply nodded.

"Well that's because I was-"

"We're like... Online penpals! You may call me Erica… Kaiser. I'm an exchange student from Germany. Schön dich zu treffen!" Cartman blurted out in the most convincing German accent the boys have ever heard.

Well if it's one thing Cartman's good at, it's being a convincing neo-Nazi. Kyle concluded as he spotted the bus appearing from a distance.

"Y-yeah. Cartman went on an exchange with Erica here. Although I have no clue when he'll be back" The redhead, satisfied with his reasoning, chose to drop the topic until the bus drove around.

Kenny found it weird that they didn't hear about this trip from Cartman prior to him leaving, but he and Stan ended up agreeing- Having a hot German exchange student instead of a fatass is a welcome change. Or so they thought.

"Well… It's definitely an upgrade, that's for sure" Kenny said.

Kyle managed to laugh at the irony of it all, before being punched in the nuts by Cartman while nobody was looking.

"I've met your friend, Cartman. I think he's a sweet, intelligent boy who i'm sure has no problems getting pussy." Kenny ends up laughing hysterically, up until the bus appears."Either you were drugged by the guy, or German women have some serious fat boy fetishes" Kenny managed to say before turning towards the bus with Stan. Cartman nearly lost it but chose to stay silent.

Just when Kyle was about to hop on the bus, a sudden, forceful tug sent his feet firmly back on the icy concrete.

"Erica? That's absolutely genius Kyle, why don't you just fucking tell them I got titty surgery and a vaginal implant while you're at it?"

"S-sorry, I panicked, alright? The only other name I could think of was Laquisha!"

"It could be Shenayqualeshia for all I care! Except, nooo... You, the class valedictorian, just thought to add an "A" after Eric. Mind blowing!"

Kyle was used to the sight of a bumbling, fat, seething boy.. but he was completely unprepared for the dripping, venomous glare of a woman scorned. Her dark, piercing gaze reminded him of his mother, which had an uncanny ability to freeze his entire being in an instant. (Think, medusa.)

"People are gonna connect the dots sooner or later you fucking jew!"

Frozen still, the only sound that snapped Kyle out of his shock from Erica's gaze were the exhausted commands of their favorite luchador-turned-bus-driver, Eduardo.

"Both of you locos just shut the fuck up and enter the bus before I run you over. Puta, I hear enough of this shit from my wife"

The two reluctantly clamped their mouths shut, before entering the bus in defeat.

And of course, almost all of the bus seats were completely filled up… save for two seats at the very end. (The back end, which reeked of unwashed socks and neglect)

The pair tried their best to remain civil to avoid catching attention, but the look on their faces betrayed them entirely. As Cartman kept herself busy with some good ole Candy Crush, her face seemed like she was in the middle of planning an intricate murder. Kyle, on the other hand, looked like he wanted nothing more than to go home and forget this all ever happened.

"Listen, Kahl" She started as she pocketed her phone. "Let me handle my own ass. You just worry about getting me back to normal, verstehen?"

Oh? Less trouble for me... "Fine. But until then, leave me out of any of your shitty make-believe back-up stories"

"Erica Kaiser would never even think of dating a dickhead like you"

"Yeah? Well, I wouldn't date a neo-Nazi German girl like you either…!"

Kyle said it a bit louder than intended, as if he forgot for a moment he was speaking to Erica. The whole bus started giving him condescending looks during the remainder of the trip. Cartman took note that this would be the first thing he milked as a bonafide female.

Having the freedom to rip on Kyle while still ending up as the victim? Fucking priceless!

After the heated exchange, they opted to silently endure the remainder of the trip by looking busy on their phones. After a few games of Candy Crush, the bus finally came around to the infamous structure of South Park High, and like busy bees in a hive, the students proceeded to their classes in a busy hum.

Unfortunately, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Stan had the same schedule up until lunch. Even if she knew exactly what to do, Cartman felt like she had to at least appear confused about everything.

"Ahh the American school system. Sex, guns and alcohol, yes?"

"Well Erica, I could definitely help you out with the sex part" Kenny chimed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as the school bell rang. So unused to any form of physical contact, (except violence and sucking dick) a deep red blush crept through Cartman's plump cheeks. Do chicks let guys do this to them or do they scream 'RAPE'!? Jesus this is harder than it looks. If I brushed Kenny off then they'll see me as a huge bitch and I might not be able to get what I want...

Sensing that Cartman's front was faltering, Kyle quickly tapped Kenny on the shoulder and nudged them to head to class. Thankfully, Kenny slid his arm off of her and started hitting on a sophomore he spotted instead. Cartman still kept her gaze downward, unable to hide the embarrassment of not knowing what to do.

While Stan remained oblivious to the whole ordeal, Kyle blinked and thought it unusual for Cartman to be so embarrassed.

"So… What the fuck was that?" He asked, careful not to let Stan overhear.

Cartman gulped. "I don't know what you're talking about Kahl."

"You froze when Kenny put his arm around you. Just now."

"W-well.. How was I supposed to know what to do?! I don't wanna lead him on but I don't wanna be a bitch either!"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Look, just… Next time that happens, you let me know. I'll figure something out." Cartman blushed at the very thought of his Jew in shining armor, rescuing him from social turmoil.

As. If.

"Why Kyle, I'm a strong independent woman who needs no man!"

When the boys entered the classroom, everyone was just about to get ready for Mr. Garrison's class. (Which usually ends up as a 2-hour lecture about how the Democrats have fucked up priorities.) The sight of a new face, however, garnered the class' attention. The four of them sat down, with Cartman and Kyle praying that no one gets too curious.

A certain blonde started eyeing her head to toe from the back. "Who is she?" Bebe asked Wendy, an unexplainable feeling of familiarity and irritation creeping up on her.

"Beats me. She could be an exchange student. Cartman's nowhere to be seen and that's all I care about." Wendy replied as she straightened the papers in her notebook. Only when Stan approached the new girl did Wendy's veil of indifference vanish. Her eyes started piercing daggers on the stranger's back as she witnessed Stan laugh at one of the new girl's quips.

"Oh… Now you care" Bebe said exasperatedly, raising a well-manicured hand to her hip.

"I am not some obsessive girlfriend stereotype! The four of them entered together so they must have a study group or something"

"Well then why don't you introduce yourself then? Before her C-cup gets all up in your boyfie's face." Exasperated, Wendy succumbed to her bestfriend's prodding and stood up to approach them.

Stan managed to spot Wendy from afar and greeted her with a lovestruck smile. The purple-clad girl suddenly wore an air of confidence, reassured of the fact that Stan was entirely devoted to her.

"Hello, I don't think we've met before. I'm Wendy Testaburger, class president. And you are..?"

Cartman's heart stopped for a moment. Better not mess this up or it's all over.

"I'm Erica. Erica Kaiser. Ich bin ein Austauschstudent aus Deutschland."

"Hey girl! I'm Bebe and this gorgeous slut right here is Wendy Testaburger. Class president."

Wendy smiled, straightened her posture and spoke out in near-perfect German.

"Du wirst mich entschuldigen müssen, aber mein Deutsch ist ein bisschen eingerostet. Schön dich zu treffen, Erica. Ich hoffe, Sie genießen Ihren Aufenthalt hier in South Park High."

Cartman genuinely impressed Wendy's grasp of German, kept the conversation going.

After all, to win the game, you'll need a powerful ally.

She placed a hand on the raven-haired girl's shoulder. "Your German is not rusty at all. Trust me. You should hear Kha- I mean, Kyle's take on German. Very similar to, how you would say, an exorcism."

"Fuck off fata– Uhh... Erica."

Wendy chucked. "I didn't think Germans told that many jokes. So I take it you and Kyle have some sort of history together?"

Kyle blushed. Like hell we do!

"P-Penpals! We write to each other from time to time.." Kyle blurted out.

"Cool. I happen to have a Filipino penpal myself, actually—."

"OKAY CLASS GET TO YOUR FUCKING SEATS BEFORE I'M FORCED TO OVERDOSE MY MEDICATION AGAIN. Fucking brats—"

Mr. Garrison slammed through the doors and into the room— clutching a wine bottle, cutting the conversation short.

The teenagers scrambled to their seats, leaving Erica at the corner of the room. She eyed her old empty seat, but stayed in-character, looking naive and confused. Kyle couldn't roll his eyes any further if he tried.

Fresh from a hangover, Mr. Garrison tried his best to make sense out of why this unfamiliar face was standing at the side like a looney.

"Okay class for some fucking reason w-we have a new student... Come up on here"

Erica confidently made her way to the front of the class, her curves swaying and bust bouncing like an all-you-can-eat babe buffet. The guys ogled while the girls, well.. They weren't so impressed.

"Schön dich zu treffen. I'm Erica… Erica Kaiser from Germany. Nice to be meeting you!"

Her smile was as flawless as her introduction. Cartman managed to fool everyone with her impeccable German accent.

Save for one particular Jew, of course.

"This is gonna be a loooong fucking school day."

A/N: I'm back! Holy shit, it's been 6 years since I first wrote this story. Time flies! Would you believe I actually ended up getting a job as a (copy)writer? Who thought writing fanfics could lead to something? Ha!

Anyhow, I plan to continue this story– mainly because it's such a delight to write. Hope you guys can take time to review! If you're an oooold reader that has been resurrected from the dead, let me know! I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas for F-Cup.

And as always, thanks for reading!