Naruto; What If

Eleventh Arc; The Hunt

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Good times and bad.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Chapter 73 - Wedding Bells

~~Badadumdunbum~~

*Sasuke*

It's been several months since the summit, now. There have been a number of reports of Zetsu appearing in the many shinobi villages, even in Konoha, but the creepy fucker never came near the Uchiha compound. With the combined might of the five great shinobi villages searching for him, in addition to the three Sannin, not even Obito can hide forever.

That's what everyone keeps saying, anyway. Not much of a comfort since we still don't know what the hell he's planning. But that's too much to worry about, for the moment. For now...

[We Back, by Jason Aldean]

*Schtng...!*

The song of cold steel rang in Sasuke's ears, that unforgettable grin from his childhood plastered across his face. He was loving this nostalgia, as history repeated itself. The entirety of Team 7 were training together, again, sparring against their teacher, the Sixth Hokage.

"Come on, is that all you've got?" Kakashi goaded them, flashing through handseals as a massive fireball flew across the training ground.

The three Jounin danced among the flames, grinning widely; Sasuke's chakra cloak effortlessly deflected the blazing inferno as he cleared the way for his teammates to launch themselves at their teacher, Sakura's fists changing the very landscape beneath their feet in the blink of an eye.

Both jinchuuriki were very nearly faster than the Copy-nin, and the pinkette was far stronger than the other three put together; the former-Jounin had obviously dedicated quite a lot of time and effort to matching his students' newfound capabilities.

Kakashi Hatake had not been named Hokage without warrant, and he proved it by matching all three of his students, all of whom were widely praised as the next generation of the Legendary Sannin.

Naruto's clones begin moving in to immobilize the Sixth Hokage, while he and Sasuke rushed to Sakura's side. "PINKY! MEATHEAD MISSILE, DOUBLE-UP!"

"Got it!" She nodded once, summoning a single shadow clone and planting her feet, sticking herself to the ground with a tremendous amount of chakra; her clone mirrors her actions and stance as they each form a human catapult.

The Uchiha and the Uzumaki leap into her arms, wrapping an arm around one another and clasping their hands together in a combined Tiger handseal. "Ninja art! Hidden Leaf Ultimate Taijutsu!"

As the clones swarm Kakashi, sticking themeselves to the Hokage and rooting him in place, the Copy-nin's eyes bugged out. "No... They wouldn't..."

"SHANNARO!"

Sakura and her clone launch her teammates toward Kakashi's rear end at ludicrous speeds, shouting all the while, "SECRET FINGER JUTSU! TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!"

It's over in the blink of an eye.

*Sccclllrrrchk...!*

Kakashi's eyes cross.

"KAAAAANNNN-CHOOOOOO!"

And they launched their teacher high into the air, great big crocodile tears soaking his facemask.

"HAH-HAH! Yessah, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto shouted with elation, finally having his revenge for the times Kakashi had used that joke technique on his orange ass.

"Whew... That was close." The copy-nin wiped his brow with a sigh, having reappeared next to the spectators, Anko, Kurotsuchi, Hirotsuchi, and Hinata. Team 7 and their audience just gape at Kakashi, glancing back to see a log with a smoking hole in its end where they thought their teacher had landed. The Hokage then mimicked one of Jiraiya's goofy poses and adopted a comically smug, shit-eating grin. "MWAHAHAHAHA! Bow down before me, for you are no match for the Legendary Sixth Hokage!"

The entirety of Team 7 face-faulted as Naruto wailed, "AAAAGGGHHH, I could've swore we had him that time! How does he keep managing a body replacement?!"

"Very carefully."

Suddenly, their teacher's ominous voice answered from just behind the two Jounin... In stereo.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

*Sasuke*

"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

His girlfriend was still laughing at him. Both of them were, much to the Uchiha's chagrin.

"I can't believe he got both of you! That's terrible!" Kurotsuchi in particular was taking quite a bit of delight in his pain. He still couldn't sit down without wincing.

Both kunoichi had changed outfits, lately; Anko was wearing her usual miniskirt and shinguards, along with a mesh armored shirt under one of his high-neck Uchiha shirts. Kuro-chan, on the other hand, had actually taken fashion advice from Anko, and was wearing a long, high-neck cheongsam dress with a single sleeve, and a very revealing slit that ran from the hem all the way up, just past her waist. Along with showing off her lovely legs, it had the added benefit of letting everyone know she never wore underwear with that outfit.

Much as he wanted to tease her about taking after the 'exhibitionist,' Sasuke got the feeling she wouldn't appreciate the irony...

He struggled to hide the burning warmth creeping up his cheeks, half of it from thinking about Kuro-chan in that dress. "Not funny, you two. That shit hurt like hell."

"I know! I just can't believe you idiots thought you could catch Kakashi with the Thousand Years of Pain! He invented that technique, got me with it decades ago in the academy! I've been trying to nail that fucker with it ever since, more than ten years, now, and even I still haven't managed it." Anko was practically cackling at the Uchiha's rectal misery, grinning from ear to ear.

Sasuke cocked a brow. "Aha. So that's why you don't do anal... Explains the banner back during the chunin exams, too."

Anko glowered, idly rubbing her taut backside at the memory. "Yeah, that's a good part of it."

"No way..." The Iwa Jounin stared at Anko strangely before grinning mischievously. "Oh, you let that goofy schmuck convince you to take it up the ass for your first time, didn't you?"

The Leaf kunoichi suddenly blanched, her face turning a bright crimson. "WHA-?! You- You don't even know what was on the banner!"

Kuro-chan's grin grew wider as she laughed aloud. "But I know that look on your face! Hahahahaha, you gullible slut!"

"F-fuck you!"

"You already did!"

The Uchiha couldn't help but laugh at the two beautiful women, his aggravation completely forgotten. Moments like these are why life is worth living, and they never last long enough... Not even in the memories. "Will you two quit fighting, for a moment? Got a question for you both."

The pair of kunoichi halted in their mock attempts to strangle the other, curiously glancing back to where Sasuke was making dinner, something both women appreciated; he could cook as well as any Akimichi.

"I've had this on my mind for awhile, now, but I've been struggling with exactly how to phrase it..."

Kuro-chan blinked owlishly and quipped, "He's got that misty look in his eyes, again. You're about to say something stupid and sappy, aren't you?"

"Uhh..." He had no idea what to say to that.

Anko was rolling her eyes. "Oh, joy. He was about to propose and you made him second-guess himself. Nice going, Tomboy."

"Aw, blow me, Zombie."

This was not going the way Sasuke had intended, at least, not until both girls embraced him.

"It's a good thing you're so adorable, Gaki, because you're completely hopeless when it comes to anything that doesn't involve stabbing or fucking someone."

Kuro-chan stuck her tongue out. "And sometimes, you're a little too good at those. But that's why we love you."

Sasuke didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry as he wrapped his arms around both women, pulling them tight to his chest. "Thank you, both of you."

Anko just cocked a brow. "You going to get down on one knee, or what?"

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Approximately three weeks later...

Sasuke was standing as still as a statue, a fire in his eyes as he stared up at a particularly angry-looking Kitsuchi, neither of them moving.

"...Nothing to say?"

"I have no regrets, Kitsuchi."

The burly man's scowl vanished, replaced by an ear-to-ear grin as he stuck out his hand. "Well, put'er there, son!" Sasuke grasped his massive paw, the two men embracing in a manly, one-armed bear hug. "You're more a man than most, to marry two kunoichi. My old man's still got good money on one of 'em killing you in the first year. Prove 'em wrong, prove us both wrong, and I'll be happy to pay out of pocket so long as my daughter's happy."

The Uchiha grinned from ear to ear. "Heh, it was the girls' idea, actually. To say I'm lucky would be a greivous understatement, and they're doing their best to put me in an early grave, but I'm sure most men could only dream of having the epitaph I'll have."

"He's completely dry, there's nothin' left!" His blonde blood-brother shouted across the decorated courtyard of the Uchiha compound, having easily overheard the conversation.

"Hah hah hah, I knew he'd take after me somehow!" The white-haired Sannin joined in the cacophany of laughter echoing around, the many guests from all over the continent taking part in the crude humor the pair of jinchuuriki had become widely known for in their travels. As expected from a wedding between Jounin from Konoha and Iwa, most of the guests were Leaf and Stone shinobi, but there were guests from Kumo, from Kiri, and from Suna, of course, the courtyard packed with bustling activity. It was a rare occasion where multiple Kage came together for a celebration.

The burly Iwa-nin's jovial features turned serious for a moment. "Ah, but there's something I need to talk to you and my little girl about in private later, when the Tsuchikage gets here. Unfortunately, I didn't come here entirely for personal reasons."

"Ahh... Nothing too serious, I hope?"

Kitsuchi shook his head. "Not right now, but before long, it will be."

Sasuke nodded solemnly, taking a wild guess. "I see. The old man feels like he's getting on in years, then?"

"Yeah. And there aren't many candidates better suited than Kurotsuchi, lineage aside. You've trained with her, you know she's a capable Jounin... More than worthy of the title. You're her husband, now, and she's going to want your opinion before making that decision."

"Hmm... Not really my place to disagree, and I can't really say I'm against the idea, either, but from what my teacher has to say, the Hat doesn't leave an awful lot of free time to spend with family."

The burly man nodded. "Exactly. Even with that technique you taught her, bouncing back and forth between two villages will be awful hectic. But that's enough about work, c'mon, this is supposed to be a celebration!" He hefted a sizable mug of strong liquor from the nearby consessions table, pressing a second one into the Uchiha's much smaller hand. "To the end of your freedom!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, and finished the old saying, bonding with his father-in-law. "And to the next man to fall!"

As they both drank deeply of the finely aged whiskey, Kurotsuchi approached them with Hiro in one arm as she threw the other around her father. "I'm so glad you're here, papa."

While the new family conversed, doting upon the youngest Uchiha, a certain pair of ex-lovers watch from the other end of the courtyard, smiling warmly.

"Thanks for looking after the Gaki while I was worm food, Cyclops."

Kakashi turned his smile toward her, casually raising the large mug in his hand. He'd only had two, but was feeling quite buzzed... Anko had several in front of her. "It was an honor and a privilege, Anko. He's just like me, after all... My legacy."

She grimaced in disgust. "Kami, I hope not, you heating prick. Y'know, Sasuke told me all about the story you fed him about me. I can't believe he actually fell for that sappy bullshit, I dumped your ass time and again because you can't keep your little ninja in your pants." Her nose crinkled a bit, lips twitching. "Then again, I guess I can't whine too much, considering I always took you back because of that little ninja. But really... Tsume?"

Kakashi's warm, kind smile morphed into the self-satisfied smirk he usually had on when making mischief. "Seemed smarted to tell him what he wanted and needed to hear before he went galavanting through my head, rather than the sad truth that I'm exactly the womanizing putz he thought I was. Especially if he went lookin too far back... I've done things even I'm not proud of, and he probably would've killed me for some of them. As for Tsume... How could I say no to doggy style?"

Anko rolled her eyes. "You fuckin' perv. And half the village thinks I'm the slut, here. Was it worth it, Scarecrow?"

The Copy-nin stroked his chin theatrically as he thought on that relatively unexpected question. "Hard to say, really. That little indiscretion cost us our relationship, but it ended up freeing you to accept the feelings Sasuke developed for you."

At his words, the kunoichi cast her chocolate and grey eyes towards the love of her life once more, unable to keep the contented grin off her face as she watched her adoptive son tugging on his father's ears. "Mmhm. My love for him really did change..."

The Sixth shot her his trademark eye-smile. "It grew stronger, almost maternal."

She shot him a nasty, withering glare out of the corner of her eye. "If that's an innuendo or a joke about an opedius complex, I'm going to tell Sasuke you grabbed my ass."

Her ex chuckled drily. "Not in a literal sense, more like... You love him in a way that isn't possible for someone that sees him only as a lover. Kurotsuchi could never love him as you do, more than your own life. You saw him as something akin to a son or a little brother before hypnotizing youself, and when the hypnosis was broken, those feelings returned and paired with the new affection you developed after experiencing him as a man. Still shocks the hell out of me that I never noticed... I should've been the first."

"Maybe you just never really knew me as well as you thought. Or maybe you saw a lot of yourself in Sasuke, and your ego made you believe I loved him because he's like a younger, less annoying version of you. I'd lean towards the latter."

He answered with a rather cryptic phrase she'd heard somewhere before, hamming it up with his 'mysterious and vague' act. "We lie to others to protect ourselves. We lie to ourselves to protect the ones we love. Besides, you don't intend to sleep with anyone else, do you?"

Anko could admit he did a remarkable job of hiding the hope tinting his voice, but he'd had a lot to drink. She was, of course, tempted to let her ex think he had a chance at her tight little ass again... Because the ensuing violence when Sasuke caught him looking at her that way would be quite entertaining.

But Anko decided against it, scoffing at the suggestion. "Hah. Of course not, I finally found a man that loves me just right, nevermind that I can have a threesome whenever I want." She glanced over at the Hokage, smiling warmly when she caught sight of the disappointment in his eye. "Too bad, Cyclops. But I'm sure Tsume would be happy to see you again... After all, any man that came back to her after she ran him off like her first husband would have to be a hell of a man."

Kakashi nervously shifted in his chair, eyeing the mug in front of him warily, as thought someone had possibly spiked it without his knowing. "Believe it or not, Tsume is a lot scarier than you, Anko. I was honestly worried about sleeping for a number of weeks, terrified that I'd wake up without testicles one day. But the worst part was... When our affair got around, she wasn't angry, at first. She was hurt, and I've honestly done everything in my power to avoid her since then. I never felt like... Like I had the right to go back to her, after that. I'd seen her in tears, something no other man alive has ever seen."

"I see..." Anko smiled warmly as a particularly naughty thought crossed her mind; she could tell her ex was entirely serious, could read him like one of his dirty books after the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. "You know, I'm glad we can still talk like this."

He nodded, taking a pull off his mug. "We were always better friends than lovers, we knew that going in, every single time we got back together. It's probably why we still got along, despite our differences."

"You mean infidelities, Kakashi. Although..." She glanced back toward Sasuke and Kurotsuchi, unsure about her next question. "Should we tell them the truth?"

Kakashi considers this, consulting with the last of the whiskey in his mug before answering. "One day... But not yet. Half the fun of growing up is discovering all the little things in life on your own."

Just as the Sixth Hookage finished speaking, the wedding celebration was suddenly brought to a swift and bloody end.

~~Badadumdunbum~~