Disclaimer: Anything recognizable from outside this site isn't mine.

A/N: Is anyone even reading this? I feel like an old woman telling stories that no one is interested in hearing anymore, haha. I don't write anymore beyond these little outtakes, so excuse any loss in quality - I'm very out of practice. This chapter isn't super positive; it analyzes the conditioning that Nina will never really lose, and the struggle she and Fabian share with her trigger words sir and good girl.

Nina POV

Fingers ever so gently tugged at my shirt, and I pulled it off with ease. We had gotten this far before. This was nothing. The cool air met the newly revealed skin, and I shivered against him. Fabian's smile grew - for he could never seem to stop smiling when he kissed me - and he pulled the blankets tighter over us. "How are you doing, darling?" he murmured, moving his lips to my neck as he spoke. I hummed in response, too hazy to do much else, but my smile was answer enough for him.

Fingers played at the top of my jeans, and I tamped down on my instinct to jolt away. The room was dark now, the sunset having finally shifted over to the night sky outside my windows, and I could only see his silhouette over me now. I blinked once, then again, trying to ground myself. Fabian. This is Fabian. I am in my house, I am safe… My jeans were unbuttoned now, and gentle hands tried to pull them lower even as my companion continued kissing me. "Nina, is this okay?"

"Yes," I answered distractedly, still muddling through my abrupt dissociation and trying to tie myself back to where I was. It was too dark, couldn't see. I am… Where am I? Where did he take me this time? "Yes, sir," I said again.

This was the wrong answer.

There was a brief moment of where everything continued as it had before, but in mere moments, the dark figure above me threw himself off of the bed and stumbled back across the floor. I upset him. Oh lord, I made him mad. "Sir?" I said again, more panicked this time. I'm a good girl. Please, I'm a good girl. My voice snapped him into action, and he moved to turn on the lights. I winced against the brightness, but when my eyes adjusted, my stomach fell out from under me.

Fabian. Fabian was standing tense in the center of the room, dressed in only boxers, looking as if he wanted to bolt. Awareness returned to me. Fabian. I am in my house. I am safe. "Oh my god. Fabian, I'm so sorry." My voice cracked even as my pulse calmed to a steady pace again. He flinched when I moved toward him, feet padding across the carpet and closing the distance between us.

I raised my hand to cup his cheek, but his haunted eyes looked through me. His breaths came in an uneven pace. "Fabian," I murmured, stroking my thumb over his bottom lip. "Darling, come back to me. It's okay. Can you look at me?" His gaze refocused on me, taking in my lack of shirt and unbuttoned jeans with renewed guilt.

"We moved too fast. I pushed you too far."

"No, Fabian. I think it was the light- I was doing fine until the sun set. Even when I couldn't see, nothing was triggered, I just dissociated from the moment. I wasn't even afraid until you pulled away so suddenly." He frowned, and I hurried to continue. "I really am okay. If we can keep the lamp on, I'm even happy to try again-"

"No," he snapped, yanking away from me with a force that startled me. "No, we are not trying again. I can't be confused for your rapist and be ready to continue. As if I don't already feel predatory enough trying to get into your pants, triggering a panic attack and then trying again the next week as if nothing happened!" His hands were shaking.

"Fabian," I said, in the most soothing voice I could manage, "Fabian, you aren't doing anything wrong, I asked for this." I stepped toward him, but he jerked back, disgust so deep in his eyes that it took a moment to remind myself that it was disgust at himself, not me.

"Yeah, and I'm sure that's what he told himself all those years." He shuddered and shook his head. "I can't- I can't be here right now." He snatched his clothes off the floor and tugged on his trousers, pausing only to stare at the floor when he spoke again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Then he was out the door and down the hallway, shirt still in his hands despite the freezing temperatures outside. Too stunned to argue, when the front door slammed shut, I moved to the window and watched him get in his car in the glow of the porch lights. He didn't look to my window when he pulled out, and in seconds, he was gone.

X

Nina POV

When I floated into awareness, it was to a pitch black room and the ragged sound of someone else's breathing. There was a struggle to process what was going on - my thoughts fought to catch up to the present. Something felt off, and I shifted.

A small noise escaped the lips of my companion, landing between a shriek and a gasp, a noise so distinctly Nina that I relaxed slightly. We're at her house. Another nightmare. When I moved to pull her closer, she scrambled out of our bed. She slammed to the floor with a bang, and when I raised my head to search for her in the darkness, she scrambled across the carpet until her form curled into the wall.

"Nina?" I whispered. The whimper I received in response made me still. This is far worse than usual. My next words were gentle. "Nina, may I turn on the light?" There was no response, so I flipped the switch. The lamp flickered on, burning into my retinas and forcing them closed so they could adjust.

Nina was still curled into the corner when my eyes opened, and I could immediately tell this was something different. What I could see of her half-hidden face was sweaty and panicked beyond the usual, and her whole body was shaking. When I rose from the bed, she dove for the closet door, then quickly scrambled back when she opened it and didn't find an exit. I hesitantly put my hands on her shoulders, and she hid her head against the wall again.

"Nina, it's me. It's Fabian." I reached around and brushed my fingers against her forehead, ignoring her flinch, and exhaled at the pure heat radiating from her. "You're burning up. I need to get your dad, can you wait here?" I asked, but this was evidently the wrong thing to ask. She jerked her head to face me, eyes unfocused and wild.

"No. I can do it, I promise," she pleaded to my confusion. "Please, sir."

Oh, shit.

The word sent a shudder down my spine, and my concern spiked when she surged forward to kiss me. I drew back in disgust. "No. Nina, no," I said firmly. She slumped against the wall again, breaths still reduced to tiny gasps and shaky exhales. I brushed my fingers through her hair, hoping it would calm her, and the movement had her relaxing minutely into the contact. I sighed. "You have a terrible fever. I'm going to go get Mrs. Miller, okay? No men, I promise. Please stay here. Can you do that, Nina? Can you stay right here?"

"Yes, sir," she whispered, and though I wanted to order her not to use that term, I knew it was likely pointless. I stroked her hair once more and pulled away.

Eddie must have heard her panicking through the walls, because he was waiting in the doorway of his room and went to look into her room. I pulled him back gently. He was larger these days, harder to move when he was stubborn, but the ten year old complied when he saw the look on my face. "Go back to bed, buddy. Nina is sick, you shouldn't be near her. I'll take care of her, okay? I promise." And thank god for Eddie, because he nodded without another word and went straight back to bed even though I knew he wanted otherwise.

Waking up the Millers should have been terribly awkward, but I was too worried about Nina to really care. Besides, this wasn't the first time it had happened - more than once, Nina had been so scared by nightmares that I'd needed to wake up one of them to help me calm her down. Inside I heard rustling, and finally a faint come in?

I peeked open the door and stuck my head in. Both were awake, blinking blearily at me. "Nina has a really bad fever," I explained, and shook my head when Mr. Miller began to throw off the covers. "I'm sorry sir, but it's really bad. She doesn't recognize me. I think she thinks that I'm a friend of her stepfather's." And lord, wasn't that a sentence to send nausea through me. "She won't react well to another man." So Mrs. Miller got up instead and, after a short discussion of how to handle this, went to Nina's room. I went to the bathroom and began soaking towels in the coldest water I could get out of the sink until I heard Mrs. Miller call me.

Nina was rocking in the same place I'd left her, muttering something to herself - a moment later, I realized it was the word stay. Mrs. Miller frowned up at me. "She won't move until you tell her she can move again." I sighed and knelt beside her.

"It's okay Nina, you can come with us. Thank you for staying, but you can move now." To my surprise, she lunged out and gripped my arm as tight as she likely could. I led her to the bathroom, whispering in my confusion, "I thought a woman would help calm her down, but she's clinging to me."

"You're in charge to her, I think," Mrs. Miller replied, and flashed a calm smile at Nina when she jerked to look to her. "But it was a wise decision to leave Francis in the bedroom. We need to try to handle this here first; she won't handle a hospital well at all."

"My thoughts exactly," I replied, and flicked on the lights to the bathroom, sitting Nina down on the edge of the bathtub. "Can you get the medicine, Mrs. Miller? I'm sure you can handle that better than me. I'll handle the towels." When she nodded, I turned to Nina. Her eyes were still looking past me instead of at me. "Nina, can you lay down in the bathtub?"

What followed wasn't pleasant. I set a thick, dry towel behind her head to give her some modicum of comfort, but it took several minutes of convincing for her to swallow the pills Mrs. Miller brought out, and each soaking towel we added to her overheated body caused a pained whimper. When I went silent, she seemed to get restless, so I kept talking as I worked, droning through whatever mindless things came to me. She drifted off for a while, but Mrs. Miller didn't seem concerned by that, so I let her sleep.

"I'm going to go talk to Eddie," Mrs. Miller whispered when we were done, and Nina has succumbed to her fitful slumber. "Call for me if you need me." I nodded and let her go.

When I began pulling off the towels, resoaking them, and returning them to her body, she finally woke. "Hey, Nina," I said gently, peering at her from over the edge of the tub. She wasn't looking through me anymore, but there was still no recognition in her eyes when she looked at me. "You're doing such a good job. Your temperature is down a degree. Just a bit longer."

A wavering smile rose to her sweaty face. "I'm a good girl?" she asked, voice cracked. My heart crumpled.

"No, Nina, you aren't anyone's good girl," I began, very insistent, but cut off when her eyes filled with tears. "Nina, you don't belong to anyone. It's okay. You don't have to be a good girl anymore." I was hoping the words would spark some sort of memory, or at least calm her down again, but a sob broke from her lips.

"Please, I'll be a good girl. I'm sorry, sir, please," she begged, and dissolved into cries and whimpers. "I don't want to be a bad girl. Please, sir."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I had to think about where she was mentally - she would be back to her normal self tomorrow, but for now, she needed comfort in the only way that she would accept it. I could not scrub her of her brainwashing all over again in one fever-fed delusional night. Which meant…

"Okay, Nina. Hold on, darling. Can you sit up for me?" She did, after a moment of sniffles, and I climbed into the tub behind her. Her eyes had gone hazy again, but she didn't seem alarmed by our proximity, so I ever so gently pulled her against me, her back against my front. She froze, tears ceasing for a long moment, but rested her head against in the crook of my collarbone at my guidance. But still she continued whimpering, so I closed my eyes again and forced the words from my mouth. "You're a good girl, Nina."

It was as if I'd cast a spell. She immediately relaxed, sinking into me as her sobs slowly died. "Good girl?" she murmured into my shirt. "I'm your good girl?" It was as if she was trying to cause me pain.

"Yes, darling. You're my good girl." I began stroking her hair again, since she'd liked that so much before. When I looked up, Mrs. Miller was standing at the door, looking very confused and a little angry. "It was the only way I could get her to calm down," I explained in a suffered whisper. "Trust me, I'm more disturbed by it than you."

I knew she understood when she saw the peace on Nina's face. She traded off towels again, and I hummed in Nina's ear again to keep her calm. "Go to sleep, Nina, I'll watch over you. You're a good girl, darling, you can go to sleep." She nodded, eyes already drooping again, and her breathing evened out in moments.

I continued singing softly for a few minutes, but after Mrs. Miller said she was going to take a nap and check on us later, there wasn't much keeping me awake. Resting my head back against the cold tile of the bathroom wall, I wrapping my arms a little tighter around Nina and fell into an uneasy sleep.

"Fabian?" Fingers brushed over my closed eyelids, and I opened them, blinking against the bright light of the fluorescents. "Hey, babe. What happened? Why are we in the bathtub?"

I sank into the tub, all of my muscles going lax in relief. "Nina, you're awake." She was half-turned in my arms, a half-damp cloth still clinging to her forehead, but her eyes were clear and concerned. "You had a disastrous fever. Didn't recognize who I was, thought I was a friend of your stepfather's. We put you in the bathtub in case you got worse and needed an ice bath, but the cold towels did enough." I yawned. "We need to check your temperature, but if you're under a 101, we can probably go back to bed. Mrs. Miller will give you more medicine in the morning."

Nina's eyes narrowed, and I shifted nervously. "I don't remember much, but… I called you sir, didn't I? Shit, Fabian, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" She didn't remember the rest, thank god. I nodded and stroked her cheek to calm her.

"Of course, darling. You were ill, you didn't know what was going on - I understand. This isn't the same as last time." I gently moved her away from me so I could stand, and offered her my hand. "Come on, let's go to bed."

She smiled at me when she rose on shaky legs. The bags under her eyes spoke of exhaustion, but she was happy. I resolved immediately to never tell her of what I'd called her in that bathtub to calm her down.

Some things were better left unspoken.

X

Fabian POV

The phone's ringtone cut through the noise of the screeching tires and blaring music on the TV. "Can you pause the game?" I asked, barely bothering to check that Mark did before rising to grab my cell from the kitchen table. My stomach sank when I saw the name.

"Is it Nina? She wouldn't be done so soon, would she?" Haru called from the living room.

I looked up wearily from my phone screen. "Not unless something went wrong." Nina was in California to see her stepfather for the first time since her trial over a decade ago. We'd only heard from her fifteen minutes ago, and despite her imminent meeting, she'd sounded calm and collected as she waited to go in. If she was calling so soon, that meant it hadn't gone well. She had left early. The phone buzzed in my hand again, and I finally put it to my ear before it went to voicemail. "Nina, how did it go?" There was a jumbled string of sounds on the other end, broken apart only by a quiet sob. My alarm rose. "Nina? I can't understand you, darling, can you say that again?"

"Fabian?"

Her voice was slurred, something I didn't hear often - the rare severe panic attack could do this, but could she have even managed to call me if she was that far gone?

"Yes, I'm here. Nina, where are you? Are you safe?" Mark and Haru were staring intently at me now, unable to hear the other end of the line. When I didn't get a response, I repeated myself more firmly. "Nina, I need to know. Are you in any danger?" She finally forced out a no, barely there but understandable. "I'm here with Mark and Haru, darling, we're really worried about you. Can you tell me-"

"Mark," she pleaded suddenly, the clearest thing she'd said so far.

I knew what that meant - I hit the speaker phone button and nodded at Mark. "Hey, little light bug," he said. While I'd tried to keep my tone light and calm, he didn't hide the worry in his voice. "I'm right here, and so is Fabian. Can we do anything to help you? Do you want to count?"

"Is Cress okay?" she asked, voice slurring again. "Please, check on Cress-"

"She's right here, love, she's asleep in her rocker." She'd fallen asleep to the noise of our game, and at this time of day, she would be dead to the world for another hour. Her thumb had fallen out of her mouth while she slept. Nina's ragged breathing eased at my reassurance, but not by much. Mark and I looked at each other, unsure who should speak and whether we should push her to talk or do the talking ourselves.

"Am I a good girl?" she whispered, and my stomach dropped to the floor.

There were few trigger words these days, after the years of therapy, but sir and good girl were two that had never faded for either of us. We already planned on teaching Cressida to say yes, father instead of yes, sir. Those words were avoided like the plague. Nina still had the occasional dream where she would mumble the words in her sleep, but I didn't think she'd spoken either of them consciously, at least to me, since the night of that disastrous fever.

The very air in the room had gone stale. "Nina," I said gently. "You need to take some deep breaths for me. You don't mean that."

"I didn't mean to kill her," she whimpered. "I didn't know, I promise. He- he called me a b-bad girl. He tried to-" My heart seized in my chest. There were guards. She said tried. She's fine. They stopped him. She tried again, more broken than the last, "I'm a good girl, right?"

When I went to deny it, try to talk her out of the mindset as I had tried those years ago, Mark cut me off. "Of course you're a good girl, Nina," he said, the words soft even as his eyes dared me to say otherwise.

Mark's approval was not what she was looking for. "Fabian?" she begged. He put a hand on my shoulder and nodded.

"Yes, darling, you're a good girl," I reassured her, and I bit my lip so hard that I tasted blood. My head dropped into my hands, but her sobbing ceased entirely. After all these years, she was still so conditioned, even if it wasn't obvious on the surface. Haru had gone pale, so silent during the entire exchange, but Mark looked battle hardened.

"Can you tell me where you are, Nina?" he asked.

Now that she was quieter, we could hear cars passing nearby. "I… a couple of streets from the prison. I just ran, I didn't want to see him anymore." And god above, she sounded hazy now, as if in a dream. My stomach rolled uncomfortably. "My phone is almost dead. What do I do?"

"You're going to hang up and take a taxi home - or a bus, so you don't have to talk to anyone," Mark said, taking charge when he saw I wouldn't. "As soon as you get to the house, plug in your phone and call us again. Can you do that?"

There was absolute silence on the line. She can't take instructions from him, not in this state. Mark knew this too, and the hand on my shoulder squeezed in reassurance. "Do as he says, darling. We'll be here waiting for you."

"Yes, sir," she murmured obediently. She may as well have punched me in the gut. My mouth tasted of ash. She hung up without saying goodbye, and the dial tone rang out until Haru ended the call.

Mark's hand moved from my shoulder to my arm. "She wasn't going to calm down any other way. Not over the phone, when you're half the world away. We had to calm her down and make sure she was safe. You're not a bad person, Fabian."

I exhaled, and promptly fell apart in his arms.

A/N: And voila! Another outtake finished. Sorry this one wasn't all that positive, but I thought it was important to show that there are permanent consequences of her experiences even though she and Fabian have reached their 'happy ending.' If you want to see the prison visit that freaked out Nina so much, that's Chapter 67, "Vacations and Visitations." I hope you enjoyed it? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Reviews are greatly appreciated. Let me know how you've been this year! I think of each and every one of you so often. If you think I wouldn't remember your name, you're wrong after all this time, you're wrong. I hope things are going well for all of my little deffies.

See you next time, my little definitions!