Note: At last the finale is here! Those of you who have taken the time to sit through all these chapters of me telling the same dumb jokes over and over have earned yourselves a free pair of Jon's lacy underwear! And if you review, I'll throw in a pair of Roger's designer silk boxer shorts. (Or maybe a gold star if you're not into that sort of thing?)

This chapter contains a parody of Billy Joel's "Piano Man." The line "That was a freebie" was borrowed from Arrested Development. And now on with the final chapter!

Chapter Nineteen
One Fashion To Rule Them All

While everyone was panicking over the earthquake, Alanna went off in search of Thom. "I'd better go help the poor wuss. Embroidery thread and knitting needles are no match against an earthquake!"

She gasped when she discovered Thom in his room. He was painful to look at. He was wearing tie-dye overalls with a ruffled shirt covered in sequins. A plaid cowboy hat was perched on his head. He was slumped over in a chair, feebly trying to untie the laces on his Barney the Dinosaur sneakers.

"These clothes… are killing me…" he rasped weakly.

"Then take them off, you dolt!"

"I… can't. Roger… made them permanent." Thom coughed. "L'Oreal… because you're worth it!"

And with those profound words, Thom was no more.

Meanwhile, George managed to escape the falling debris and ducked into the only bar on the block that wasn't crumbling to pieces. "Boy, I need a pick-me-up." He turned to the bartender. "But first, I'm looking for my friend I.P. Freely. He was supposed to meet me here!"

"I.P. Freely!" shouted the ever-gullible bartender. "Does anybody know I.P. Freely?"

While George was chuckling to himself, Claw came out of nowhere and hurled a knife at him!

"Yo mama so fat, her steps measure on the Richter Scale!" said Claw.

George caught the knife before it could hit him. "Oh, yeah? Well yo mama so dumb she didn't drown you at birth!" He threw the knife at Claw and it stuck him right in the ribs. "Bulls-eye!"

And then a lot of really strong dudes came out of the woodwork and everything turned into a massive brawl, but the day was saved when Liam came out of nowhere and unleashed his macho man powers upon them. Nobody stood a chance.

"When the Shang Dragon is late, time has to slow down," commented a random bystander.

"The Shang Dragon can hear sign language!" said another bystander.

George watched Liam fighting with a dreamy look on his face. "Break me off a piece of that beefcake. I mean, uh, great job, Liam! If you'll excuse me, it's time to chop off some ears!"

Back in Thom's room, Alanna was hunting around for some half-decent clothes she could throw over her brother, when an odd scent reached her nose. "Why do I smell maple syrup?" Suddenly she heard a loud crack! like an axe striking wood. It was Josiane, dressed in a blood-spattered plaid shirt with her lumberjack axe in her hands.

"You know, I heard IHOP's having an all-you-can-eat pancake special right now," Alanna told her. "An extra fifty percent off if you're royalty!"

"Really?" cried Josiane. She was distracted just long enough for Alanna to get a jab at her. Somehow Faithful got mortally wounded in the skirmish, which caused the future Queen Thayet to later banish all axes from palace grounds on the count of feline abuse.

Once Alanna chopped down Josiane, she headed downstairs and was taken unawares by Alex, who was hiding suspiciously in the shadows as usual. He came out of nowhere dressed in the hottest fashions straight from the pages of Tortall Vogue, complete with a glamorous designer sword crafted by Roger.

"Where'd you find those rags?" sneered Alex. "The broom closet at the dollar store?"

Alanna kicked his ass in about five seconds and continued her way down to the tombs under the palace, where Roger was working his earthquake m-m-magic. Somewhere in the distance, she heard something that sounded an awful lot like a drunken Myles singing an encouraging tune:

Slay us a duke, you're the Lioness
Slay us a duke tonight
'Cause we're all in no mood for his fashion now
So you've got to give him a fight!

Alanna cracked her knuckles. "Sounds good to me."

She found the undead duke lounging down in the palace tombs, seeking relationship advice from that month's issue of Corus Cosmopolitan. "Oh, Cosmo, dating myself can be such a chore sometimes," he tutted to his magazine. "I hope you're right about the wine and the hot bath to get myself in the right mood."

Alanna grimaced. "Dude, I really did not need to hear that."

Roger looked up from his Cosmo and smiled. "Ah, my favorite fashion hater. I see you're dressed as tastelessly as ever."

Alanna drew her big, manly sword. "Why don't you go back to your grave, you male trollop?"

"Oh, puh-leez. You're one to talk, throwing the word trollop around. I'm not the one sleeping around with three men at once." Roger admired his reflection. "I have far different needs."

"I didn't need to hear that either."

"Well at least I'm not a she-male!" Roger snapped at her.

"Is that right? You've sure done a good job turning Jon into one! He could have had a chance at being somewhat manly if it wasn't for your influence! What's with the earthquake, anyway, pal?"

Roger patted a stray hair into place. "Its purpose is to destroy everyone who has bad fashion sense, of course. Which is basically everyone in the entire palace."

"Including you, apparently," Alanna pointed out. "I'm no expert, but you look pretty tacky wearing gold and silver jewelry together. It doesn't even match your outfit!"

"I made this jewelry, for your information," Roger huffed at her. "I can wear it however I please! I'd like to see you try and make all these fabulous necklaces, bracelets, rings, sword hilts—"

"Did you say rings?" Alanna interrupted.

Meanwhile, a hobbit named Frodo Baggins lost one of his fingers while an incredibly tacky piece of gold jewelry fell into a fiery volcano. Roger suddenly burst into flames.

"Well that was a freebie," said Alanna, looking down at the pile of ashes that used to be Roger.

"So," the newly crowned Queen—uh, King Jonathan asked when Alanna returned from the tombs. "Did you discover the secret of what made Roger's hair so silky and lustrous?"

Alanna smacked herself in the forehead. "Damn it, I knew I was forgetting something." Suddenly Thom's dying words came back to her. "Oh, wait. I think it might have had something to do with L'Oreal?"

"To the beauty shop!" cried Jon. He galloped away on a unicorn that came out of nowhere and set out on a quest to make his hair silky soft.

"Looks like it's just me and you, foxy lady," purred George, taking Alanna by the hand. "Everyone else is out of the picture! Liam was quite the macho man, but a bunch of arrows made him into a beefcake pincushion. So now it's time for me to get my hands on that rack—"

"Dude, just say boobs already!" said Alanna. "It's not going to kill you."

George blinked at her in confusion. "I was going to make a grab for that rack of freshly baked pies so we can have a nice, celebratory dessert, but if that's what you want to call it—"

Alanna sighed. "Never mind."

EPILOGUE

Alanna shacked up with George and had a very manly wedding in which everyone was served beef jerky and had to guzzle six packs until they puked. She founded Tortall's very first Man-lympics, a series of athletic competitions for manly men. Her greatest achievement is knowing that George has never once tried to put on her bra.

George finally discovered a permanent cure for his herpes. This cure backfired when he came down with an unfortunate side effect that forced him to do the Macarena every time somebody mentioned the word "salad." He began frequenting hamburger restaurants in an attempt to avoid the dreaded s-word and now has high cholesterol. He can be seen on the streets of Corus giving public service announcements on the dangers of herpes.

Jon and Thayet got married and adopted forty billion cats. Together they opened up Tortall's very first Kitties R Us, the cat superstore for all your feline needs! Along with their mutual delight in all things with fur and whiskers, the two of them have gone down in Tortall history as the only royal couple to share each other's outfits. Jon looked quite dazzling at the wedding in his white glittery high heels.

Raoul never mentioned Francis again and started his own support group for troubled individuals saddled with stale catchphrases. Years later he would go on to become the miracle worker who got Owen of Jesslaw to finally stop calling things "jolly."

Gary was horrified when he stumbled upon Alex's body while cleaning up after the earthquake. He spent the rest of his life in a guilty haze wailing "ALEX!" at random moments. Even Raoul couldn't save him.

Myles won the grand prize at a karaoke bar for his heartrending cover of "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard." He used his prize money to start up his own cocktail lounge, but due to his dyslexia he ended up calling the place Mlyes', which nobody could pronounce. He and Eleni are currently living in a dumpster in downtown Corus doing outrageous things in exchange for Klondike Bars.

Delia was arrested after trying to stab Jon with his own handcrafted tiara. She has been voted Corus Prison's Worst Dressed Inmate twelve years in a row.

Coram convinced Rispah to polish his sword every night (wink wink). The two of them spend most of their time lounging in a swimming pool filled with beer.

Buri held a grudge because she barely had any dialogue in this story. She was then given her very own sitcom called That Buri Show which became #1 on The Tortall Network. Her catchphrase on the show was "Mithros' coconuts!" until a few support group sessions with Raoul cured her of it.

Alex's Ghost spent years in the afterlife giving styling tips to Francis' ghost. Francis' ghost eventually got fed up with this and was transferred to a different afterlife. He now spends his time picking flowers and thinking on his fond memories of Raoul.

Roger's Ghost has last been spotted haunting the makeup counter at the local Macy's. Customers have been known to burst into tears when an invisible voice whispers how tacky they look.

The Shang Dragon will always be studlier than you.

THE END