Finished long after Christmas has passed, I know - it's been a busy new year! LETS DO IT!
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Ruby's Three Nights
Emma was sitting at the table with a glass of eggnog as the Christmas party with all of Storybrooke's inhabitants began to roar into full swing. The dwarves were singing Christmas songs, Archie was doing party tricks and Granny was handing out knitted hats. People were dancing (Gold was actually using some of her moves she'd shown off earlier and Belle was laughing at him) as Snow weaved about with trays of goodies for everyone, it was actually kind of normal. Emma was still however, trying to get back to at least half the state of inebriation she'd managed to achieve earlier today with her magically appearing drinks, to be able to better socialize. She'd seen both the Mad hatter and Hook mulling about, waving at her over enthusiastically; what was so intriguing about her that they would ignore the fact she wished to physically harm them she wondered? So she'd taken up a spot where David was in sight at all times, for nothing was more powerful a mood killer then a woman's over protective father. Emma sat undisturbed and tried to drink herself into a more social mood but she was pretty sure Snow was having all her drinks watered down.
Damn parents, she thought as Ruby took up the empty seat beside her.
"Hey Ruby- Oh. My. God." Emma said as she got a look at Ruby's rainbow coloured hair, it was so bright and vivid it looked as if it were glowing. It looked as if she'd tried to tame it with a comb but it seemed determined to poof out like one of the Jackson fives afro's.
"Shut up," she growled at Emma.
"Guess we know where that leprechaun decided to hide his lucky charms," Emma laughed, sipping at her eggnog.
"I was going to ask how you got your black eye," Ruby began sipping from a flute of champagne "But now I'm just going to assume you deserved it."
"Regretting that deal with Mr. Gold yet?" Emma asked.
"I think he threw in some fine print about this just to mess with me," she confided with a sigh.
"Well I think Snow's doing her best to keep me sober this Christmas and god help me I simply will not stand for that in this town. Wait, what fine print?" Ruby looked uncomfortable now.
"Well I did this deal three days ago and it happens to be my wolfs time and…" she looked around as if to make sure no one was listening.
"It doesn't go away," she whispered.
"What doesn't?" Emma asked with a raised eyebrow.
"The dye job! My fur is rainbow Emma!" she huffed, "Every full moon I look like a pride wolf!"
"Well that is *giggle* unfortunate," Emma said, struggling to keep her face straight.
"You're a bad friend," Ruby said accusingly, pouting into her drink.
"Bitch please, I'm an awesome friend; who came over to your house with chocolate, duct tape, glitter and explosives when you had your bad break up?" Emma asked.
"Cinderella, you arrested her."
"Because she's a crazy pyro, but it kept you out of trouble right? Here-here!" Emma said raising her glass and clinking it against Ruby's. She glared at her and Emma sighed.
"Ok, I'm sorry you've been turning into Rainbow-dash for three moons, it sounds embarrassing."
"Thank you! Just a bit of sympathy is all I ask for," Ruby said exasperatedly, finishing off her champagne.
"And to answer your question, no, I don't regret it," she said happily looking back at Gus who looked to be having a happily animated chat with Henry.
"What was the perfect gift for him by the way? Cheese?" she joked, Ruby laughed.
"Don't be silly Emma, life time supply of peanut butter." She patted Emma's shoulder before going back to mingle with the other party goers. Hmm… that was really weird, suddenly that theory Snow had come up with popped into her head.
12 horses.
11 crossbows.
10 deals.
9 magical pages.
8 portals.
7 dwarves working.
6 swords.
5 magical golden rings.
4 awkward family photo's.
3 night of Ruby being a tye-dyed wolf.
There was no damn way this was coincidence, it couldn't be! It was too crazy and too perfect-
"Perfect? I'm flattered," a voice said. Emma looked up to the previously unoccupied seat to see it was suddenly occupied by a girl who Emma has never seen before. She could tell that even past the fact that the girl wore big, thick rimmed glasses with a fake nose and moustache attached to the end of it.
"… Can I help you?" Emma asked slowly.
"If the doctors can't cure crazy I'm afraid neither can you, but thanks!" the girl chirped, still grinning.
"Umm, who are you? And why are you flattered?"
"I have many names!" the girl said with an overly dramatic gesture of her hand, "but you may call me… ForPony."
"… Oh god you're serious aren't you?" Emma groaned.
"Only yooooou can seeeeeee meeeeeee Emma" the strange girl continued, trying to make her voice ghostly and dire - and failing at making her voice sound ghostly and dire.
"Sup HP?" Grumpy asked as he walked past their table.
"Up high!" the girl said holding her hand up and receiving a high five as Grumpy continued on his way.
"Riiiiiiiiight…" Emma said, rolling her eyes.
"Has anyone ever told you that you do that a lot? Never mind not the point, this -" the girl continued on with a sweeping gesture "-is all my doing," she smiled.
"You did not pull this party together so what exactly is all 'your' doing?" Emma asked.
"Everything that happened today" she told Emma cheerfully. For a moment Emma just silently stared at the cheerful girl wearing her fake nose glasses.
"You have to the count of three to leave my presence," she said finally.
"Oh come on! Don't be like that," the girl pouted.
"ForPuppies-"
"ForPony," she corrected.
"This day has been a crazy hell, I cannot be held responsible for what I may do to you any second now."
"But I gave you magical drinks! Don't you remember that?"
"My mom punched me in the face today!" Emma snapped, pointing at her black eye.
"Ok, you're right, that was kind of a dick move," Forpony conceded with a shrug.
"321!" Emma said on one breath. She was about to try to hit her when she realized her almost virgin eggnog had disappeared and the hand she'd been pulling back to hit her with now held a vodka tonic.
"What the-"
"Friends?" ForPony asked with big wide innocent eyes.
"… I'll think about it," Emma muttered, taking a sip of the drink.
"Great, I just wanted to let you know that this next part? I totally got your back," ForPony told her, giving her a thumbs up.
"What does that mean?" Emma asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.
"That I'm putting a filing cabinet in your toilet."
"… What!?"
"So you can sort your shit out. Cause, and I may be a tiny bit bias here, I see you're in love," she told Emma with a sage like nod.
"Umm… no - no I'm not."
"Wow, you're so in love you don't even know it. Ok, I'm just gonna make it painfully obvious for you then," Forpony assured her with a condescending tone, patting her hand.
"I hope something unfortunate happens to you," Emma seethed.
"Have fun!" the girl sang in response, Emma blinked and she was gone.
"Yeah you better disappear!" Emma shouted causing everyone to look at her with confusion. Emma sighed and downed the rest of her vodka tonic in one go. She looked around and saw Hook boldly making his way towards her from the other side of the room, seemingly deciding he was unperturbed by the man who had cleaned his clock earlier that day. His coat was flapping in the wind as he strolled in slow motion, eyes spearing her by being dramatically highlighted with even more eye liner than usual as he made his way.
"How is he doing that?" Emma wondered out loud, watching him as a spot light they didn't have followed him. Painfully obvious indeed, and she'd ride that horse when all of hell froze over, thawed and then froze again. Hook used his hook to rip his shirt open, exposing his gloriously bare chest, still in slow-motion...
Ok, she was not entirely hating the view. Someone was offering her something, she wasn't really listening as she reached over and took whatever it was
"Thanks," she said absently. An apple huh? She took a big bite out of the sweet blood red fruit as Hook slowly (seriously this slow-motion was fucking ridiculous) got closer and closer. He thought David had a good punch? If he tried any mistletoe tricks or slow-motion sexiness when he finally got to her she'd put him in a coma. She was a mite glad to see him alive though, you know, cause she'd hate to arrest the seven dwarves and David. That was why.
wow, that was a damn good apple. She swallowed and looked up to tell the person who had given it to her so.
And froze when she saw it was Regina smiling at her.
"Oh shit,"
Regina's Two Apples
Now there was a time when Regina would have happily stabbed Snow and her insufferable daughter and prince charming and her dwarves and her wolf - Ok, safe to say she'd have happily killed the lot. But now she had Henry, who she loved dearly and was changing for, she'd been doing so well she'd even been invited to the Christmas party. Now was her chance to show everyone that she was using her magic for good only.
And to piss off Rumplestiltskin, but honestly who could hold that against her? No one right?
Right. Anyway's she'd decided she was going to use magic for the ultimate Christmas gift for someone to show the town, and more importantly Henry, that she was good - and awesome. She was going to help someone find their true love. So Regina cast the spell on two of her lovely apples and went to the party. It was only as she arrived she realized she probably shouldn't have cast the spell on apples, she sort of had history with apples. She'd just have to assure the person she was giving it to that it was safe.
"Here," she said, thrusting her arm out to offer the first one to a little fairy named Nova, "eat this. It is not poisoned," she told her. Hmmm... that sounded a lot like an order though. Nova stuttered something and then fainted.
Ok, not what she'd hoped would happen - maybe she should try someone else? And maybe she should smile, that was friendly right?
"Here!" she said offering the blood red apple to Archie Hopper with the biggest widest smile she could manage (making her look slightly deranged.)
"This is definitely not poisoned, you should eat it!"
"Uhhhh… what was that Snow? You need my help?" he said to his left, even though Regina could clearly see Snow was having conversation with someone else.
"Coming!" he yelled, getting up and scurrying away. Damn crickets were always so sketchy, maybe she should try being less direct.
"Wow!" she said loudly next to Dopey to get his attention as she pretended to admire the apple. He looked over and smiled goofily at it with her.
"Looks yummy," he said, entranced by the fruit.
"Right?" Regina agreed, holding it out to him, "You should eat it."
"Ok," he said reaching out for it. Then a dwarf in a dress grabbed his arm and pulled him away from her.
"No dopey, we don't take candy from strangers," he scolded the soft headed dwarf.
"But yummy!" the dwarf cried as he was dragged away. So close Regina thought.
"Yeah you better disappear!" Regina looked towards Emma Swan yelling at an empty seat before realizing everyone was looking at her and downing her drink in one go. Target acquired.
Regina carefully made her way over to Emma. Who better to get this gift then the biological mother of her son? That would show everyone she'd changed for sure. She'd have to use her most persuasive methods to accomplish this feat of gift giving but she could rise to the challenge. Emma seemed distracted but Regina held the apple out to her anyway's.
"Is this not a lovely-"
"Thanks," Emma said taking it without looking at her and taking a big bite.
SUCCESS! Regina crowed inwardly to herself. Emma looked at her, mouth opened to tell her something and then she seemed to see Regina and she froze.
"Oh shit."
One True Love's Kiss
"Did you just poison me on Christmas eve!?" Emma demanded, drawing everyone's attention to her and Regina.
"What!?" Regina yelped, sounding incredibly offended, "Of course not! It's a gift!" she told everyone holding up the second red apple.
"What kind of gift?" Emma asked suspiciously, standing.
"This spell helps you find true love," Regina explained staring at the second apple that rested in her hand. Regina noticed Hook then, still walking towards them in slow-motion.
"Is he... ok?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow.
"Yeah, just ignore him. He may be ten feet away but it's gonna take him like, another five minutes to get here," Emma shrugged. Everyone now watched Regina and Emma, waiting as well, but the apple did nothing and Regina frowned.
"… it's not doing anything," Emma observed aloud.
"Thank you Ms. Swan I can see that," Regina retorted in frustration.
"Well… what's it suppose to do?"
"This damn apple is suppose to fly over and float above your true love," Regina explained, shaking the apple like that might make it work.
"Maybe-" But before Emma could even finish the thought the apple suddenly shot to life - flying across the room at light speed. Right towards Hook, smashing into his face and knocking him off his feet. What was with this day and people getting knocked out?
"Holy crap! Regina!" Emma yelled.
"That wasn't suppose to happen!" Regina yelled back frantically as everyone began to crowd around the unconscious pirate. Emma was already on her phone.
"Dr. Whale's phone?"
"Hi, emergency, my place," Emma said shortly as she went to her knee next to Hook.
"Oh? I see, I'll be right there," he told her before hanging up.
"Is he dead?" she heard David ask hopefully. Emma put her hand to his pulse and found it strong.
"Nope - still kicking."
"Damnit," David muttered. Snow punched his arm before coming over to hand Emma a pillow from the couch to put under his head.
"Maybe we should splash some water in his face?" Regina suggested. Ruby, who was standing beside Emma, poured her drink out onto his face. Not a twitch.
"Ruby!" Emma snapped "this is a hardwood floor!"
"Sorry," Ruby smiled sheepishly.
"Ok, everyone calm down, I called Dr. Whale he'll be here any-" The door flew open like someone kicked it drawing everyone's attention to Dr. Whale standing there, holding a bottle of Vodka and-
"Are those handcuffs?" Ruby asked confused.
"Oh… well this is embarrassing" Dr. Whale said, as all of Storybrooke stared at him.
"Dr. whale? What the hell are those for?" Emma asked slowly.
"You said your place… I thought this was a sexy emergency," he admitted, blushing.
"WHAT!?"
"And you brought cuffs? Your number's going in my speed dial," Ruby said, whipping out her cell phone and programming his number in. Emma stood up and elbowed her.
"Ow! What?"
"Unconscious pirate now, booty calls later!" Emma growled as Dr. Whale walked over, handing the cuffs to Ruby and checking on Hook.
"You should kiss him!" someone yelled.
"Who said that?" Emma demanded, glaring around the room.
"Said what?" Snow asked with a confused look. Emma spotted the girl Forpony, still sporting her fake nose and moustache glasses, standing by the window and drinking a glass of wine through a crazy straw.
"You did this," Emma accused in a hostile whisper, pointing a finger at the girl as her eyes narrowed with anger. Forpony smiled and gave Emma two thumbs up. Emma returned the gesture, only with a different finger. The girls smile became a smirk as she pointed up. Emma looked up and saw high above her and Hook was mistletoe. When she looked back ForPony had disappeared again.
"This is a coma he will never wake from," Whale said, "from the ten seconds I've taken to examine him this is my final, irrefutable conclusion." David and Jefferson fist bumped.
"This is a tough time for us all," Jefferson said gravely, stepping closer to Emma.
"Hold me Swan," he said, making to hug her. David grabbed him by the back of his shirt and yanked him back hard enough to choke him
"We just had a nice moment and it's Christmas, please don't force me to hurt you," David asked him calmly.
"It's my medical opinion you should come home with me for overnight observation. Possibly a physical, if you know what I mean," Whale told her, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. Emma glared at him, willing her hands to not grab him by the throat and strangle him.
"I'm implying you should sleep with me," Whale said, afraid he wasn't being clear enough.
"Jesus chr- Give me that!" Emma snapped wrenching the Bottle of Vodka from him. She twisted off the cap, put the bottle to her lips and took three big glugs. She then shoved Dr. Whale out of the way and pressed a kiss to Hooks lips. His eyes flew open and a wave of magic poured out into the room that knocked the rainbow right out of Ruby's hair.
"He's going to be 100% ok," Dr. Whale sighed to the room as Hook stared up at Emma with a smile.
"I base this on Christmas magic," he continued, taking his bottle of vodka back from Emma and sulking away.
"Holy mother of god my hair!" Ruby squealed with joy.
"Merry Christmas asshat," Emma said to Hook with the tiniest of smiles.
"Merry Christmas Swan," he returned with a grin.
"I think my work here is done" Forpony smiled, walking out the door.
...
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I couldn't resist. Thank you Andi88 for coming to me with this idea (and alternately sorry it took me so long), thank you to YJ lover for a lending me some cracked idea's and thank you to everyone who read, left me a comment or did both! Much luvs everyone!