"Because it hurts."

A/N: Okay.. First off WARNINGS: I am going to break Sam as much as humanly possible in this (Because that's what this Season is needing to happen to make Dean pull his head from his rear.) so please take the warnings for these things VERY SERIOUSLY.. (I'm talking full on mental, emotional and spiritual melt down here people.. This could be VERY triggering to some.) Mentions of Sam's time in The Cage, Rape, SEVERE.. GRAPHIC torture such as burning, flogging, drowning, electrocution and so on.. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, behaviors and actions by more than one main character, Mentions of child abuse, Mentions of child neglect, Mentions of the rape of a minor, Mentions of mental illnessess, Mentions of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and anything else I may not of mentioned that may trigger anyone or may offend anyone..Also Spoilers for all Episodes in Season 8.. Set right after Season 8 Episode 9 and beyond..

Second.. This is obviously AU because the show can insinuate that Sam was raped in The Cage all it wants but I don't think they'll ever show rape in the actual Series and I don't think they're ever going to deal with the implications of Sam being the survivor of such a traumatic experience any further than what they've already done (Though several of the things that will happen in this story COULD very well happen for real if the show ever went this route).. As it is I think readers will find the scenario and the traumas caused to be very realistic and I think you'll be pleased to find that evryone remains pretty much in character except for the ones who get broken, they'll be a little OOC for a bit (But only a small bit.. I swear.).. But in a realistic manner as everyone has their breaking point.

And last but not least.. Am I the only one that has cause to think that Sam has several risk factors for developing P.T.S.D. and Depression in real Canon?.. Am I the only one that sees the clear and obvious sign and symptoms that looks as if he has indeed developed those things in real canon?.. Am I the only one that thinks that Sam will end up suicidal in Canon (Again.. Cause he HAS been suicidal before.. But I think it's even worse now), BEFORE this Season is through?

A/N: For those who don't know. There are certain risk factors that can lead to the development of Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I've given info on risk factors and symptoms for both below: (And I've highlighted the ones that especially fit Sam IN CANON ONLY with asterisks * and I point out if Dean shares the risk factor or symptom as well.) (Some may want to skip this part because it's rather lengthy.. But it DOES hold tons of info that may be of interest to those who really pay attention to the Series like I do.)

~0~ (If you want to skip the info below then skip from here to where you see this: ~0~ A/N: End of info.)

Depression affects each person in different ways, so symptoms caused by depression vary from person to person. Inherited traits, age, gender and cultural background all play a role in how depression may affect an individual..

It's not known exactly what causes depression. As with many mental illnesses, it appears a variety of factors may be involved. These include:

1: Having biological relatives with Depression (As for it being Canon.. I wouldn't know but it would stand to reason that it is most likely canon that John Winchester probably did suffer from Depression.. And I believe Dean DOES suffer from depression.. But since it's yet to be revealed in canon I did not mark this one.. .)

2: Having traumatic experiences as a child * (Hmm.. I don't think this one really needs any examples cause obviously losing his mom at 6 months old, finding out monsters were actually REAL and that one of those REAL monsters killed his mom are pretty traumatic I'd say (Even if he didn't show that he was traumatized at the time of the events, they still play a part overall with the possibility of his development of Depression.) But if those don't count one must ask themselves these questions as they ARE NOT answered in canon.. But it stands to reason that just the questions prove that something traumatic did happen to Sam as a child that Sam obviously had a traumatic reaction towards and those questions are: "Why did Sam run away to Flagstaff?" (Last time I checked children usually run away from home when something has really upset them and Sam does not strike me as having been the kind of child to be overtly dramatic and have that response to something small.. It had to have been something BIG to cause him to be upset enough to run away from home.), "Why is Sam afraid of clowns? (The answer to this question is hinted at in Season 7 Episode 14 "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie." .. But it gives reason to think that A: Sam associates clowns with feeling abandoned. (Which is possible.) And that feeling of fearing being abandoned turned into a fear of clowns. (Again possible.). B: A clown did something to Sam to cause him to fear clowns. (Possible.. But again I will point out that Sam does not strike me as having been the kind of child to develop a fear like this over something small, so the clown had to have done something BIG.. Like childhood trauma.. BIG.) "Why does Sam's fear of clowns originate back to when Dean was leaving him BY HIMSELF at Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie, when it's likely that Sam had seen clowns before and had not been afraid of them up until this juncture of his life?" (Again I don't think something small caused Sam's fear of clowns.), "Why does the time where Sam ran away to Flagstaff fit right along side the same time his fear of clowns originates?" and "What was going through Sam's mind when he'd been in Flagstaff for TWO WEEKS and no one had found him yet?".. And while the answers to these questions are not given in canon, so there is no proof that a traumatic event caused Sam's fear of clowns, or that, that traumatic event caused him to run away to Flagstaff or that a completely separate traumatic event happened that caused him to run away to Flagstaff. It does stand to reason that these theories are not unfounded, so one should ask themselves themselves those questions and decide for themselves whether or not they believe that Sam did in fact suffer from traumatic experiences as a child that can actually be counted and considered as traumatic in canon... This risk factor also has Dean written all over it.)

3: Having family members or friends who have been depressed (Again it would stand to reason that John did show symptoms of depression.. Also this would be a good place to point out again that Dean has many of the same risk factors for developing Depression (and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as Sam as well as having symptoms of Depression (and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) himself.. But as there is no proof in canon that either John or Dean suffer from Depression aside from the symptoms and risk factors they themselves seem to have so I have not marked this as one of Sam's risk factors.)

4: Experiencing stressful life events, such as the death of a loved one * (His mom as a baby..(Although he didn't get to know her it still clearly affected his life.. Especially when he couldn't even ask about her without getting treated like he had no right to know about her.), Jessica, his dad, Madison, Dean (Countless times.. And all Dean's deaths were heartbreaking for Sam.. (Even the ones that made us laugh) and all of Dean's MANY deaths most likely added even more trauma and emotional scars to poor Sam's psyche.. Especially when Dean "died on a Wednesday" ("Mystery Spot." if you don't know what I'm referring to), went to Hell and when Sam thought Dean was dead after the events of the Season 7 Finale. .. I think those deaths affected Sam the worst to be honest.), Bobby, Cas.. His own deaths.. Boy all of those open up several different cans of worms.. But his trip to The Cage (Whether it counts as a death or not it does serve to be something that could (actually DEFINITELY.. WOULD) trigger the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. Again.. Several different cans of worms.).. And don't even get me started on the stressful life experiences that Sam has had that ARE canon... And THIS risk factor DEFINITELY fits Dean to a "T"..)

5: Having few friends or other personal relationships * (Boy does that one come straight out of the book of Sam and Dean Winchester's lives or what?)

6: Having been depressed or having suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or any anxiety disorders in the past * (Yes it is canon.. He was shown to have gone off the "Deep end" in Season 4 when he talked about how Ruby "SAVED" him. .. Also.. He WAS depressed right after Jessica.. And then there was his dad dying right after.. Not to mention an array of other things that's made Sam noticeably depressed throughout all of the Seasons... And I think Dean is practically always depressed here lately... And I believe both brothers have been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout several points during the course of the Series.)

7: Having ever had a serious injury or illness, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer's or HIV/AID (I did not mark this one because: There's no proof in canon that Sam has any illness as of right now and although I myself count Sam having such a problem with not being able to sleep that he winds up institutionalized as having dealt with a serious illness (It DID almost kill him.) along with him having dealt with the pain of the visions, oh and him almost winding up with CROATOAN.. should totally count as him having dealt with a serious illness AND the effects of his wall getting broken by Cas should definitely count as him having dealt with a serious illness (I mean after all he was hallucinating LUCIFER.. He was FEELING the pain of The Cage.) BUT.. Since he's never been seen being diagnosed with a serious illness in canon and we've never seen him treated for a serious injury (Aside from a broken arm).. Unless one counts him being diagnosed with having no soul as him having a serious illness or his multiple deaths or his injuries that we've never seen treated or diagnosed i.e.: Head injury from Season 1 Episode 22 "Devil's trap.", the possibly not completely healed stab wound to his spine from Cold Oak in Season 2 Episode 21 "All Hell breaks loose: Part 1." as things that count as injuriy or illnesses or illness inducing... As far as Dean goes.. As far as CANON is concerned Dean was healed from every illness or injury he'd ever sustained when he was risen from perdition.. BUT he has sustained quite a bit of being knocked around since then and who knows what kind of injuries he might have sustained that have gone untreated.. BUT since he did deal with almost dying from heart failure (Season 1 "Faith.") I'd count this one for Dean... And since Sam did also deal with Dean having that condition I myself would say Sam has this risk factor as well because for me when a close member of my family is seriously ill it effects me worse than if I were sick myself. And Sam and Dean are REALLY close.)

8: Having certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic * (Does this one need any elaboration? Sam is self-critical, he has had several moments of low self-esteem.. He's had lots of moments of being pessimistic.. and the overly dependent.. Well.. While he does strive for independence and he can handle having independence.. Just take away Dean and watch Sam fall apart.. And he WILL fall apart.. Then he'll latch onto whatever or whoever can help him "Hold on" and if that's not overly dependent I don't know what is.. Because he can't find something to "Hold on" to in the most important of places.. Within himself.. He needs someone or something to give him that... And I think it's needless to say that this risk factor also has Dean written all over it.)

9: Abusing alcohol, nicotine or illicit drugs * (Does the demon blood addiction count for this one?.. I think it should. If not.. How about when Sam started doing whatever street drugs he was buying in Season 7 Episode 17 "The Born-Again Identity." because he couldn't sleep? That should definitely count.. Oh and let's not forget that he was shown to be drunk (Abusing alcohol) and suicidal in Season 4 when he talked about how Ruby "SAVED" him.. Yeah.. THAT.. DEFINITELY counts... Again I would like to point out that Dean shares this risk factor as well.)

10: Being the victim of abuse or sexual assault (I'd mark this one just because of all the insinuations Lucifer made about Sam's time in The Cage as far as sexual assault is concerned... And as far as abuse goes.. Well Sam DID imply that his father got violent when he was drunk in Season 7 Episode 3 "The girl next door." and I believe that even though John may not have been physically abusive I'm sure that John was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive.. BUT since it's only hinted at and I don't know if anyone besides me would count being bullied in school as being abused (Which I do count school bullying as a form of abuse... An abuse recieved from peers should be counted as abusive just as much as abuse from family members, spouses, employers, law enforcement, school officials or from anyone else that can administer verbal, emotional, mental, physical or sexual abuse, which is honestly almost anyone capable of throwing a punch or issuing an insult nowadays.) or if anyone who would count Dean's recent behavior towards Sam as abusive (Which I do.. Please no haters and please no flaming me... I know that some of Sam's actions towards Dean throughout the Series can be counted as abusive as well... And Yes.. I would count this as a risk that Sam and Dean do share if what they've endured in canon whether at each other's hands or at the hands of other characters counted as a risk to anyone but me.) SO.. I did not mark it.)

So.. Sam has SIX of TEN of the above risk factors for developing Depression.

NOW.. Here's SOME of the symptoms of Depression. They are:

1: Feelings of sadness or unhappiness * (Several times in the Series but most recently Dean said that Sam was "Moping around like a unich in a whore house." (Season 8 Episode 6 "Southern Comfort." before the spectre possessed him) and I think that goes to say that Sam has been acting like he is unhappy.. And well Dean isn't exactly acting like Mr. Sunshine right now.. So I'd say he has this symptom as well.)

2: Irritability or frustration, even over small matters * (While I don't think there are any "even "small" matters" as all of the stuff Sam and Dean usually have to deal with is almost always something HUGE.. I'd say they both have been irritable and frustrated several times throughout the Series and most especially here lately.)

3: Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities * (It doesn't look like Sam's ever had a whole lot of pleasure out of any activities.. Nothing seems to really make him happy except for when it's Dean making him smile... Seriously look through the whole Series.. Every Episode.. After Jessica died nothing but Dean's antics and hearing John's words in Season 1 Episode 20 "Dead man's blood." could make Sam truly, give a genuinely HAPPY smile and Sam's lack of happy got even worse after John's death.. Yes Sam has smiled, laughed and had sex throughout the course of the Series.. But how much of anything he's done in the Series besides being around the people he loves has ever interested him or given him pleasure?.. Hmm..)

4: Reduced sex drive (I didn't mark this one because we only know of a handful of times that Sam has had sex during the course of the Series (In fact I can count only 6 people that he's been with sexually since Jessica's death.. Madisson, Ruby, Doctor Cara Roberts (Season 5 Episode 14 "Sex and violence.", a hooker (But he was soulles at the time) (Season 6 Episode 3 "The third man."), "Pechoulie girl" or "Hippy chick" (also while he was soulless) ( Season 6 Episode 9 "Clap your hands if you believe.") and Amelia.. SO I don't know if he has a reduced sex drive or if he's just always had a nearly non-existent sex drive.. And as far as Dean goes.. Well.. According to canon Dean should practically be a walking one night stand waiting to happen... BUT During the course of the Series I know of only 7 (Yes ONLY SEVEN) women Dean has been with since the start of the Series (Which I think it's wierd how he and Sam have been with the same number of women throughout the WHOLE Series (Jessica would be Sam's 7th person.) (Cassie (Season 1 Episode 13 "Route 666."), the "Double Mint Twins" (Which would be 2 & 3) (Season 3 Episode 1 "The Magnificent Seven."), the "bar "wench"" Jamie (Season 4 Episode 5 "Monster Movie."), the angel Anna (Season 4), Lisa (Season 6) and the "Amazon" Lydia from Season 7 Episode 13 "The splice girls.") which I'd say is either a reduced sex drive or Dean isn't really the serial womanizer he makes himself out to be.)

5: Insomnia or excessive sleeping * (Sam did almost DIE from lack of sleep.)

6: Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes weight gain and increased cravings for food or even non food items * (I do believe the demon blood may count here.)

7: Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still (I'll leave it up to everyone whether or not they want to count the fact that Sam had to press into the scar to make Lucifer disappear.. Or any of the other things like getting a bit fidgety at times throughout different points throughout the whole Series as things that makes this symptom fit Sam)

8: Irritability or angry outbursts * (BOTH Sam and Dean have this symptom in spades here lately.)

9: Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements (I didn't mark it.. But.. Anybody but me noticing how quiet Sam's been over the last two - three Seasons?.. He hardly speaks unless spoken to unless he has to.. In fact looking back he was kind of almost always that way, EXCEPT with John and Dean.. Hmm..)

10: Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration * (Sam does seem to have lots of issues with decision making, concentration and being distracted all throughout different points in all of the Seasons so far but especially throughout Seasons 3-6 where he made his bigest mistakes... And well seeing as he was either focused on either getting Dean free from the crossroad's deal, was mourning Dean's death or trying to figure out how to stop the Apocolypse.. One can see how easily Sam could have been played into doing the things he did.. Because he couldn't think straight enough to realize that he was in fact being played because his attention was always focused elsewhere and his emotions were easy to prey upon during those times.)

11: Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort (I didn't mark it but Sam does seem to be not really "with it" lately.. It's like all the fight has been drained out of him except when he's really pissed about something)

12: Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming one's self when things aren't going right * (Ding, ding, ding.. I think Sam and Dean hit this symptom right on the head.)

13: Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things * (Does falling for a demon skank's wiles count as having trouble thinking, concetrating or making decisions?.. Me thinks it does.. After all Sam was freaking out over Dean's deal and then he was mourning Dean's death.. Sam was easy pickings for a hellbitch like Ruby.)

14: Addiction seeking behavior as those who do develop Depression become three times more likely to seek out and develop addictions than those without Depression * (Sam turned to alcohol then to demon blood after Dean's death and I think there's no question of the fact that Sam was suffering from Depression during that time and according to research it is very common for a person with Depression to develop an addiction for one substance such as alcohol and when that substance no longer proves strong enough to numb their pain they turn to something stronger and in Sam's case the stronger substance was demon blood.)

15: Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide * (As I stressed above Sam HAS been shown to be suicidal throughout several moments of the Show's history and in the latest Episode (Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." we hear him tell Amelia that she "Saved" him.. which I take means he had been contimplating suicide and then he met her and she helped distract him from that course of action.)

16: Crying spells for no apparent reason

17: Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

GENERAL INFO ON DEPRESSION:

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right. Other people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Depression symptoms may not get better on their own — and depression may get worse if it isn't treated. Untreated depression can lead to other mental and physical health problems or problems in other areas of a person's life. Feelings of depression can also lead to suicide.

So Sam suffers or has suffered from ELEVEN out of SEVENTEEN symptoms of Depression.. So OVER HALF of the risk factors as well as OVER HALF of the symptoms apply to Sam (And Dean as well)..

So I think it's practically canon that Sam does indeed suffer from Depression (As does Dean) and all we as fans need is the real writers to give us confirmation (And it wouldn't hurt if they absolved and vindicated Sam (And Dean) a bit by maybe showing that Ruby drugged Sam when they first met one on one BEFORE Sam knew she was a demon (Season 3 Episode 2 "The kids are alright.") Ruby drank from Sam's straw, touched Sam's food, laptop and grabbed Sam's hand to write down a phone number and I'm thinking that Ruby was really a freakin Succubus.. Meaning she could make Sam be drawn to her.. She could eventually make him lust after her (It would make sense after all a Siren could posion it's victims through saliva.. What if a Succubus could infect a man with lust with just a touch?..(And let's not forget that Ruby touched Dean and poured something down Dean's throat to save him from the witches.. So maybe she drugged Dean to and that is what helped start pulling Sam and Dean so far apart) And then Lillith kissed Sam at the end of Season 3 and if I'm right about Ruby then get this.. According to real lore (not show lore.. But real research) Azazel (In Supernatural he's known as The Yellow Eyed Demon) was once an angel (YES.. REAL.. LORE and the show does imply SEVERAL TIMES that they are following THAT lore.) and not just any angel a Seriphim.. Which is the HIGHEST class of angels (Archangels are Seriphim that are the "Chief Princes"" meaning they're like GOD'S generals and according to REAL lore Gabriel is an Archangel and a "Chief Prince".. Yet according to lore Gabriel is a female angel (I'll come back to this later.. so please keep it in mind)) AND.. Not only was Azazel a Seriphim but he was also second in command of the Grigorri or "Watcher" angels and the Grigorri begged GOD to let them go live among mankind so GOD did and SOME of those angels fell in love with mortal women and took those mortal woman as wives and had children with those mortal women and the children that came from those unions were part human and part angel and those children were a new race called the Nephilim who were described as "POWERFUL" "GIANTS".. And Azazel was one of the many angels who fathered several different Nephilim children by a few different mortal women. BUT his FIRST Nephilim son was Asmodeus.. Who became one of the seven "Princes of Hell" or one of the seven "Devils".. Asmodeus became the "Prince" of Lust NOW why this is important is this: Lucifer twisted Lillith into the first demon.. But Lillith had not yet been cast into Hell.. NO according to lore she didn't get cast into Hell until centuries after she was turned.. But she WAS cursed to give birth to several thousands of demonic children daily and SOME of those children were born asexually.. BUT.. SOME of them were born of unions between Lillith and men, Lillith and several different angels, Lillith and other demons (Some of them who were her own sons (Eww..) and some of those children were born from unions with Nephilim.. In particular... The Incubus and Succubus demons who supposedly were fathered by Lust (Asmodeaus) himself.. Hmm.. Which IF Ruby was a succubus she would have been part human, part angel, BUT.. MOSTLY demon and Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon) would have been her Granpa (And Ruby supposedly did make the demon killing knife on her own and IF Azazel was her grandfather that would make sense since he was the angel thjat showed mankind how to make weapons.. Hmm..) and Lillith would have been her mom.. Which would totally make sense in the scheme of things.. NOW.. back to Azazel really quickly. In REAL lore.. Because Azazel fathered a "Devil" and showed mankind how to make weapons and taught mankind about makeup and jewelry (Which would have been showing mankind how to be vain (And vanity is a sin) I guess) Raphael castrated Azazel and threw him upon jagged rocks and broke his body before casting him into Hell where Azazel became a goat demon that liked to take children from their cribs to make them his because he could no longer father children of his own.. NOW.. THAT is REAL lore.. And in Supernatural Season 4 Episode 22 "Lucifer Rising." when it shows Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon) in the convent back in 1972 (Which by the way is a year before the time Dean gets sent back to (Keep that in mind)) when Azazel is talking to Lucifer he tells Lucifer that the others have lost faith and calls them "Dickless Heathens" and says "But not me".. He seems to be taking the "Dickless" thing a bit personally.. Like he had something to prove.. And it would make sense as to why Azazel has to bleed into an infants mouth to infuse them with his power instead of just fathering the children himself (Because he couldn't cause he'd been castrated).. Which would mean Sam is part angel.. Which would explain how Sam was able to walk around soulless for a whole year (MOST angels are "soulless" dicks according to Dean) because the blood that pumps through Sam's veins isn't just demonic but angelic as well.. NOW back to Gabriel.. WHY Gabriel is important.. According to REAL lore.. SOME of the Nephilim like Asmodeus became bad.. Like worst kind of evil bad.. BUT some of them were good.. MOST of them became HEROES of old reknown.. BUT.. MOST angels and MOST humans feared the race of Nephilim.. Thhose that feared them considered them "abominations" so MOST angels and MOST humans demanded that the Nephilim be destroyed but GOD did not want to destroy his only grandchildren.. So GOD tasked Gabriel with coming up with a fair solution and Gabriel made every generation of Nephilim fight in a battle to the death when each generation reached a certain age so that at least one Nephilim from each generation had a chance at a life (REAL LORE.. Now what happened in Cold Oak suddenly makes a lot of sense).. NOW obviously.. Azazel was not the only angel to father Nephilim children.. Nor was he the only angel to show mankind forbidden things (In fact one angel taught mankind sorcery and witchcraft.. Yep.. According to lore, witchcraft came from angels. Who knew? (Oooh MAYBE a Succubus or Incubus had children with one of the Nephilim children born from one of the unions of the angels that taught mankind witchcraft and one of those children were Ruby which would make Yellow Eyes her Great-Grandfather and Lillith her grandmother and would make Ruby a bit more human and a bit more angel, but she still be MOSTLY demon and since Lust would be her Grandfather.. She'd be irresistable to most men through either the wiles of a Succubus or the wiles of witch whilst also being good at weapons making as she would have inherited that from her Great-grandfather Azazel (The Yellow Eyed Demon)) and yet another naughty angel gave his mortal wife the true name of GOD) and Azazel was not the only angel (nor the only Seriphim) from the Grigorri to get cast into Hell.. Nor was he the only one to become a new demon-angel hybrid because of it (And I don't think he was the only one to wind up castrated either) and most of the Grigorri that were damned had done the foul things they'd done because they had decided to side with Lucifer.. Azazel included.. So suddenly the conversation in the convent between Yellow Eyes and Lucifer makes more sense (Because I think the "others" that had lost faith.. Might've been some of the other angels that had been cast into Hell.. Hmm..) and then Lucifer tells Azazel to find him a child.. Now Dean got sent back in time Season 4 Episode 3 "In the beginning." and Dean told Samuel Cambell about where The Yellow Eyed Demon would be and Samuel Cambell told Mary and Mary rushed to go to help her friend and when Yellow Eyes saw Mary he said "Where the hell have they been hiding you?" and then tells her he likes her cause she has a lot of "spunk".. which is EXACTLY what he tells Sam later.. So it's like Dean inadvertantly lead Yellow Eyes to his mom.. Cause IF he hadn't told Samuel Cambell about what was written in John's journal then Mary wouldn't have known her friend was in trouble and Yellow Eyes would have never found her meaning she never would have had to make a deal to save John and Azazel told Dean that he was picking the "perfect" parents for his special children ones that were "Pure" he said that he was creating a new "Master race"... Hmmm.. I think that the mortal women that bore out the race of Nephilim were vessels in fact I think that, only a vessel could concieve and bear the child of an angel.. SO.. When Azazel said "Pure" I think he meant that both parents were from vessel bloodlines.. Meaning Mary was a vessel to... ANYWAY... What I'm saying is. Is it would make TONS of sense for the writers to go ahead and use what they already have along with other parts of real lore that makes all the lose ends come together because IF Ruby was a Succubus or part Succubus and she drank from Sam's straw, touched Sam's food, laptop and hand then she could have infused him with the beginnings of Lust right then so when she reveals she's a demon he doesn't kill her because he's under her spell, then Queen Bitch Lillith (Because wouldn't the mother (Or Grandmother) of a Succubus have stronger abilities to instill Lust?.. Obviously Lillith wasn't Lust like Asmodeus was.. But she had to have some way of getting the embodyment of Lust to into her bed) kisses Sam (Season 3 Episode 16 "No rest for the wicked.) and helps close the deal for her daughter (Grandaughter... Whichever.).. Thus making it easier for Ruby to make Sam do what she wants in Season 4 and I believe that prick Zachariah was working with Lillith and Ruby to free Lucifer, thus making it even harder for Sam to fight against all the ways he was being played.. AND Zachariah's involvement also helped serve to drive even more wedges between Sam and Dean.. After all I'm 100% sure that Zachariah is the one that tampered with the voicemail that helped drive Sam over the edge into killing Lillith, thus breaking the Finale Seal and setting Lucifer free.. And I KNOW FOR A FACT that Zachariah altered Sam' "Greatest Hits." in "Darkside of the moon." which caused Dean to throw away the one thing that represented Sam's love for him.. The Amulet..

And NOW.. Why Gabriel being supposedly a female angel is so immportant.. Because she is only one of three angels that I could find any lore on as being female.. Gabriel would have been GOD'S first born daughter, Satanael (Or Satan) would have been second and Castiel would have been the third.. But Satanael is REALLY immportant because of this.. I think Crowly is REALLY Satanael (Or Satan) which would make sense, because in Season 5 Episode 9 "The real ghostbusters." Becky told Sam about Bella giving The Colt to Crowley and said supposedly Crowley was Lillith's right hand man and possibly her lover as well.. Which according to lore Satanael is a female angel and she and Lillith did have a fling at one point.. So maybe Lillith was Bi-sexual?... ANYWAY in Season 5 Episode 20 "The "Devil" you know." (Satan is one of the seven "Princes" of Hell (And "Crowley" continuosly reffers to "himself" as "King" of the Crossroads and then later "he" declares "himself" "King" of Hell) or one of the seven "Devils" and Gabriel pretended to be "The Trickster", "Loki".. SO MAYBE Gabriel wasn't the only angel to take on a new identity? As anyone would think that ONE Satanael was possibly fed up with being overshadowed by HER big sis Gabriel and she wasn't the baby like Castiel so she became a "Prince of Hell" only to wind up getting continuously confused for her big brother Lucifer.. So she became a "KING".. Because a King is better than a Prince.. I think she became Crowley so that she could have an identity that was hers.) Crowley tells Dean that he's been selling sin to Saints for centuries.. Which is sort of Satan's job description.. Except she had once been ordained by GOD to do so as it proved who was worthy of GOD'S grace and who wasn't, AND Crowley has his own Hellhound which is a BIG give away cause as a "Prince of Hell" he'd (she'd) have his (her) own hounds, then, in Season 6 Episode 4 Crowley speaks of how he thought when he got the "corner office" that it was all gonna be "rainbows and two headed puppies" .. According to lore the Cerubus.. The two and three headed hounds in Hell are Satan's dogs.. And they are NOT Hellhounds but hounds created by and ordained by GOD to guard the "Gates of Hell" and be under Satan's command.. Which to me feels like Satan is actually on GOD'S team but is undercover behind enemy lines.. But, Who knows? and then Crowley talks about how the problem with demons is that they're evil, lying prats, that they're stupid cause when he tried to show them a "NEW WAY.. A "BETTER" WAY" (Which sounds to me like he (Or she) was trying to help them find redemtion) that all he got was "Bugger off." and then he said that there's days where he thinks that maybe Lucifer's "Spike anything with black eyes plan." wasn't half bad.. AND.. GET THIS.. Crowley is the one that lead Dean to Death and Death is the one who got Sam's soul back and I for one think that Crowley did have a lot to do with that..(Like I said.. MAYBE Crowley is REALLY Satanael and MAYBE Satanael WAS (As in past tense cause I think things have changed now) trying to do GOD'S will at the time. Then in Season 7 Episode 1 Crowley tells Cas "A "GIRL'S" gotta do what a girl's gotta do." and Satanael is a girl.. Hmm.. and in Seaon 8 these things further point to Crowley being Satan.. When Crowley possessed Kevin's mom Dean asked "him" if he was getting in touch with his feminine side and Crowley said "Something like that.", when Crowley found out what was really on the tablet he said "What was GOD thinking?", "Mankind can't be trusted with something like this.".. Hmm.. Then later Crowley pulled out an ANGEL BLADE and Cas said "So this is how it's gonna be?" It's like he (Or she cause Castiel is supposed to be a girl toand Cas did tell Benny that "he" wasn't his "Aunt".. Which if Cas is a dude then why didn't he just tell Benny that he wasn't his "Uncle"?.. Hmm..) was begging his (or her) sibling not to take things in "this" direction.. Which who knows what "this" direction would be?.. Maybe If Crowley IS Satanael, and she had really been trying to do GOD'S will, THEN MAYBE she finally is just now deciding to go against GOD'S will as now she is now in the game for herself.. Again, Who knows? But I think that Crowley IS Satanael and that Satanael WAS on GOD'S side and then maybe the whole Purgatory thing got to her like it did to Cas.. Which again it WOULD make sense.

And here's ANOTHER kicker.. Look through ALL of the Seasons.. Is it just me or does almost every single angel aside from a small handful look like they're in a vessel that looks like they could be biologically related to Sam and Dean somehow? Castiel's vessel has Mary's big blue eyes and John's build (I'm thinking Jimmy Novak is really James Winchester John and Mary's first son, (Read my story "Brothers just the same." for my explaination for how it's possible) or maybe he's related to both John and Mary in some other way.), Balthazar's vessel has blond hair and hazel eyes and his accent is very European (And didn't Samuel Cambell say that Sam and Dean had ansestors on the Mayflower?), Gabriel's vessel is blond with amber colored eyes and looks like he could be closely related to either Deana (After all Deana had whoever as her ancestors as well) or Samuel Cambell as his vessel looks like he could be very closely related to Mary somehow.) and if I'm right about Crowley being Satan then the meatsuit Crowley is wearing is really a vessel (And may I point out the very European accent of Crowley's meatsuit or vessel?.. Could Crowley's meatsuit/vessel be related to Balthazar's vessel?) and the vessel looks like he could be related to Mary somehow or even John.. Hmm.. Also since Yellow Eyes was a demon that was also an angel was his meatsuit a meatsuit or a vessel? Cause both the guys Yellow Eyes Possessed looked like they could've been biologically related to either John or Mary (Or both of them) somehow.. And as far as Crowley possessing Kevin's mom.. Well she did sell her soul to save her son.. And maybe that was like giving Crowley permission to use her as a vessel.. Hmm.. Maybe she and Kevin are vessels as well and let's not forget that Chuck the prophet looked like he could've been related to Mary.. Which.. If it all tied together the way I think it should it would make SO MUCH SENSE cause that would mean almost all of the vessels are biologically related to Sam and Dean aside from Raphael's vessels (which they COULD BE related to Sam and Dean as well.. Who knows?) and Kevin's mom if she is a vessel.. (Which again Sam and Dean could be related to her.. Who knows?) Because it seems to me that there's not really enough background on John's family (Which I think John did come from a family of hunters.. Where both his mother and father were once hunters that had come from families of hunters.. I think John just didn't know that.) or Deana's family (Samuel Cambell's wife) or really even Samuel Cambell's family to know for sure... But it does seem to me like there's a whole bunch of secrets that are about to start making their ways out of the woodworkand if some of the things I talked about here were some of those secrets.. Well then it would go a LONG way to making sense of things and some of those things could absolve and vindicate BOTH Sam and Dean.. Yes?

And here's info (With outlines for whatever may affect Sam (And Dean)) on SOME of the risk factors and symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

Risk factors for developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

1: Having EVER experienced any form of abuse or assault * (If nothing else that I've pointed out above in the parenthesis when I outlined the risk factors and symptoms for Depression counts as abuse or assault I believe the one thing that DOES count is what happened to Sam (And Dean as this risk factor fits him as well) in Hell)

2: Having ever witnessed a violent death such as in during war, having witnessed a murder or any other form of violent death * (Sam watched Jessica die a violent death by fire (While pinned to the ceiling), he saw Dean die several violent deaths and obviously this risk factor effects Dean as well as Dean saw Sam die at least two violent deaths (Sam getting stabbed in the back by Jake in Cold Oak (Season 2 Episode 21 ""All Hell breaks loose. Part 1" ) and Sam getting shot by Walt and Roy (Season 5 Episode 16 "Dark side of the moon.)) not to mention Dean saw Cas explode "like a water baloon full of chunky soup" and watched Lucifer snap Bobby's neck (While Lucifer was possessing Sam.. And Sam said that he remembered that happening as well.) and both Sam and Dean saw Bobby die from a gunshot wound to the head.)

3: Being a survivor of any kind of violent or tragic event such as a bank or convenience store robbery, a car accident, a plane crash, a horrific storm such as a tornado or hurricane, an avalanch, a stadium collapse or any other kind of event where there was violence, horrific injuries or deaths that may have been witnessed by the survivor or survivors * (Can Sam and Dean's whole lives count for this one? Cause their lives have held one tragic event right after another that either one or both witnessed... Also Sam mentioned "Survivor's Guilt".. Hmm.. I think "Survivors Guilt" and this risk factor goes hand in hand as Sam probably had "Survivors Guilt" right after he thought he'd watched Cas and Dean die... And seeing them explode into black goop (From Sam's P.O.V. that's how it must have appeared..) had to have been pretty tragic for Sam (Especially since he thought he'd just watched his only friend (Besides Dean) and the only family he had left in the entire world die right in front of him.) and since he was the "Soul Survivor" that tragedy probably hit him even harder (Cause he thought he was ALONE and he probably thought he had nothing left).. Not to mention Sam was still dealing with several other issues when that tragic event happened.)

4: Having a proffession where the person's life may be in constant danger or where that person may have to take a life or may have to choose one life to save over another life in the line of duty such as anyone with these professions: policemen, firemen, Cost Guard, doctors, nurses, paramedics or anyone serving or having served active duty in the military * (Sam and Dean are hunters their lives are constantly in danger (More so than even other hunters because of who they are.. And they've actually both lost their lives a few times..) they have to take lives all the time (Yeah the lives they take are (Usually) the lives of monsters (I can only think of a couple of times where either of them have killed a human.. i.e. Dean killed two humans in Season 4 Episode 11 "Family Remains.").. But that doesn't mean their consciences are always clear about having to do what they do.. After all there are plenty of human monsters and anytime a policemen has to use their weapon to stop one of those monsters they have to undergo counseling to make sure that they're coping with having to take a life in a healthy manner) and they do sometimes have to figure out (or triage) who can be saved and who can not be saved (Althought they both try to save everyone.. So it really effects them both when there's someone they can't save.. i.e.: Jo.. They had to realize she couldn't be saved then they had to choose to leave her to die, The REAL Meg Masters.. They had to realize that if they exorcised her she would die, but it was decided that it was more humane to get the evil demon out of her body so that she could at least die human.))

5: Having biological relatives who have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress (Again I believe John suffered from P.T.S.D... But since there is no proof in canon I did not mark it although I personally do count it as a risk factor for both Sam and Dean for if one suffers from it then the other therefore has a biological relative that suffers from it and therefore it would be a risk factor for either of them.)

6: Being someone that has been exposed to any other kind of life-threatening or any other kind of overwhelming and/or traumatic events * (Again.. Can I count Sam and Dean's whole lives for this?.. Their lives have been being threatened nearly non-stop since the night Sam turned six months old and as far as overwhelming and/or traumatic events.. Well I think for both brothers going to Hell, seeing each other die numerous times, watching other people they care about die, having to fight day in and day out against angry and or vengeful spirits, whatever "monster of the week" and hoardes of demons that are constantly gunning for them, not to mention the psycho nut job hunters like Gordon or Walt and Roy or the occasional angel that has either decided to to play against their own team or has decided to try and become GOD is life threatening, overwhelming and YES at times traumatic.. Plus all the times Sam and Dean have been seperated by what they thought was the death of one or the other (Dean spent a year thinking Sam was still in The Cage (Which TECHNICALLY.. Sam WAS still in The Cage.. Just his body was out and walking around without a freakin soul!) and Sam just spent a year thinking Dean was dead when Dean was actually trapped in Purgatory.. Plus Sam had an extra six months where he thought Dean had "died on a Wednesday", "Mystery Spot" which makes ALL the times that Sam has had to live without Dean total up to a year and a half (Not mentioning of course the ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY YEARS that Sam spent in The Cage) and the time that Dean spent living without Sam or HIS, REAL Sam would also total to about a year and a half (Wierd huh?) (And of course that's not mentioning the FOURTY YEARS Dean spent in Hell.. WHICH.. IF Dean really was dead (and in Hell) during that six months in "Mystery Spot." then Dean spent a total of ONE HUNDRED YEARS in Hell (Which I don't think Dean did go to Hell because when Sam and Dean wound up in Heaven in "Dark side of the moon." Ash told Sam and Dean that THEY had BOTH been there more times than he could count.. Which is a big "OH REALLY?" moment if you ask me.. Because one must wonder how many times Sam might've tried killing himself to get out of "The time loop" in "Mystery Spot.".. So that MIGHT mean that since Dean was TECHNICALLY dying BEFORE his deal was due then that MAY have been a loop hole where Dean's contract became "Null and Void" meaning he was going UPSTAIRS instead of DOWNSTAIRS during each time he died and Sam was also going to Heaven during each of his deaths (And I think Sam's soul was in Heaven when Dean made the crossroads deal to bring Sam back after Jake stabbed Sam in Cold Oak in "All hell breaks lose. Part 1.".. In fact I think Sam went to Heaven during ALL of his deaths up until he went to The Cage.. Which would mean that Sam has actually always been good enough to get into Heaven.. Which is saying a lot because Zachariah and Uriel seemed pissed that an "ABOMINATION" like Sam even existed so I wonder how they felt each time he made it past the "PEARLY GATES".. Because they seemed all to pleased about putting wedges between Sam and Dean.. Cause I think they thought that taking Dean away from Sam was what would end up corrupting Sam enough to officially make Sam end up damned so that he couldn't go to Heaven (And BOY did Zach seem THOUROUGHLY PISSED that even after the demon blood thing and the breaking the Finale Seal thing that Sam STILL got to go to Heaven (Cause I think Sam was still praying every night and I think Sam had most likely asked for forgiveness from GOD in those prayers and even if he hadn't have been I think since Sam had been being played by both angels and demons since before he was even born might have earned him a pass because if anyone would've known that everything wasn't really Sam's fault it would've been GOD) Again.. Hmm..)) which is just eighty years shy of Sam's time in The Cage (IF Dean in fact went to Hell during the times he died.. Which as I said above I DON'T think he really did) and suddenly I find myself wondering how time passed in Purgatory.. Did Dean make up that eighty years there?.. Hmm... Cause whether or not Dean's soul went to Hell during all of his deaths in "Mystery Spot." it would still mean that Sam and Dean have spent close to equal amounts of time in other realms such as Hell, Heaven or Purgatory with out each other.. Which can't be a coincedence.. It's like their bond is always being tested and they themselves as individuals are also always being tested to see how one fairs without the other.. And didn't Ash imply that Sam and Dean are soulmates?.. Again, Hmm...)

Thats FIVE of SIX risk factors

And now here's SOME info on the different types of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (and one can think for themselves which types Sam and Dean may have.. ME I think all the types fit BOTH of them throughout different points in the Series) :

• Acute PTSD is diagnosed when an individual has

symptoms for less than three months.

• Chronic PTSD is diagnosed when someone has symptoms

for more than three months.

• Delayed-onset PTSD appears months—sometimes more

than year—after the initial trauma. In many cases, the

individual may have had some symptoms before, just not

enough to meet the diagnostic criteria. Many people with

delayed-onset PTSD demonstrate dissociation to suppress

their reactions and avoid thoughts of the event. Numbing

and/or avoiding symptoms are associated with a worse

prognosis in the long run for many people.

SOME SYMPTOMS and SOME diagnostic criteria include:

1. Persistent Re-experiencing

A person experiences one or more of the following:

• recurrent nightmares or flashbacks; * (Here lately Sam has been having lots of flashbacks and we saw in Season 1 how he continuously had nightmares of Jessica's death.. And Dean had lots of nightmares about Hell and he has been having a lot of flashnacks lately.)

• recurrent images or memories of the event—these images or memories often occur without actively thinking about the event; * (It seems all Sam does lately is live in the memories of what it was like without Dean and personally I think him remembering that he was in fact without Dean is what the traumatizing part is and Amelia represents that time to him so in a way just knowing her was traumatizing for Sam.. Because YEAH, he needed something to "hold on to".. But it was because he couldn't deal with not having Dean and having Amelia ended up representing NOT HAVING DEAN, which became a trauma of it's own and anything that reminds him of Amelia is a trigger that reminds him of NOT HAVING DEAN.. Does that make sense?.. And Dean has also been having recurrent memories of his own "event".)

• intense distress at reminders of the trauma; * (Again he seems triggered by anything that reminds him of Amelia, which thus reminds him of being without Dean and to me Sam looked like he was going to have a panic attack (Which means he looked pretty friggin distressed if you ask me.) in Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." when he came face to face with Amelia, because I think he was taken right back to that feeling that he'd just lost Dean.. And Dean's not exactly helping with that feeling lately cause Dean is almost always actively letting Sam know that they are hardly even brothers anymore with words and actions here lately... And Dean nearly flipped when he thought he was hallucinating Cas.)

• physical reactions to triggers that symbolize or resemble the event. * (I'd say the fact that he had to keep pressing the scar on his hand throughout Season 7 is a physical reaction to triggers that symbolized and resembled the event.. But he also flinched and bolted up from his sleep when Dean tried to wake him up in Season 7 Episode 2 " Hello, cruel world." and he just seems to space out throughout different points in Season 8 so far and I did notice Sam was pressing the area his scar would've been when he was getting underhandedly insulted and picked on by Amelia's dad.. And agin I ask WHY did Sam run away to freaking Flagstaff when he was just thirteen?.. Cause that to me feels like a pretty physical reation to a trigger or a trauma and one of the risk factors for developing current Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is actually having once had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the past and while I'm at it yet another risk factor for Depression is having ever had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. Which I really.. REALLY think there was something really.. REALLY, REALLY bad that made Sam run away to Flagstaff and again I wonder why Sam's fear of clowns originates back to around that time, which would have been around the same time that Dean was "ditching" Sam at Pluck Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie. And I think feeling fear of something that reminds him of whatever caused him to fear clowns (And MIGHT have also caused Sam to run away to Flagstaff.) in the first place is a pretty physical reaction.)

That's FOUR out of FOUR and THREE MORE than needed for a diagnoses out of this group of symptoms.

2. Avoidant/Numbness Responses (Sam does seem to be numbed out a lot lately unless he's pissed.)

A person experiences three or more of the following:

• efforts to avoid feelings or triggers associated with the trauma; * (Honestly Sam seems to be avoiding ANY feelings besides anger right now.)

• avoidance of activities, places or people that remind the person of the trauma; * (Sam had been fine with hunting for a while.. He'd even told Dean that he was done trying to find "Normal" and "Safe".. Yet NOW Sam keeps telling Dean that he's "Done" with hunting.. I think because he associates hunting with why Dean disappeared and so he wants to AVOID remembering losing Dean.. I also think he wants to AVOID actually losing Dean.. Again.. Yes?.. And when Sam went to check on Amelia, he didn't just go up and knock on the door.. NO he snuck around her house, saw she was alright then left.. MAYBE.. Because he was trying to AVOID her and how she reminds him of NOT HAVING DEAN?.. Hmm.. Also.. remember in Season 3 Episode 8 "A Very Supernatural Christmas." how Sam didn't want to celebrate Christmas.. How he wanted to AVOID celebrating Christmas because he was afraid that it would only remind him how Dean WOULD NOT be there the next year (Maybe because he was already traumatized by the fact that Dean was going to Hell and Sam was trying to avoid being reminded of that because Dean's deal was already causing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder before it even came due.. Seems pretty likely to me.)

• inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma; (Dean couldn't remeber the full extent of the real events of him getting out of Purgatory so I'd say this symptom fits Dean.)

• markedly diminished interest in activities; * (Sam kind of doesn't seem to care one way or another whether or not the world keeps turning)

• feelings of detachment or estrangement from others; * (Of course Dean isn't exactly helping matters with this one.. But YEAH I'd call Sam detached and estranged from everyone including himself right now... And Dean is DEFINETLY.. BOTH detached and estranged from Sam right now.)

• restricted range of feelings; * (Again it seems like all Sam seems to be able to actually feel is anger lately.. Hmm.. And Dean doesn't seem to be able to feel much more than anger and resentment.. So I'd say he has this symptom as well.)

• difficulty thinking about the long-term future—sometimes this expresses itself by a failure to plan for the future or taking risks because the person does not fully believe or consider the possibility that they will be alive for a normal life span. * (In Episode 1 of Season 8 Sam told Dean that he wanted to make whatever "Time he had left" count for something (Is it just me or does a statement like that make it sound like Sam doesn't expect to have much time left?))

That's SIX out of SEVEN and THREE MORE than needed for a diagnoses out of this group of symptoms.

3. Increased Arousal

A person experiences two or more of the following:

• difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; * (Sam did almost DIE from lack of sleep..)

• outbursts of anger/irritability; * (I'd say this is DEFINITELY a symptom Sam seems to almost always suffer from when he's had a traumatic experience of any kind (aside from Jessica's death when he just shut down and his dad's death when it seemed like he was just trying to be there for Dean instead of really dealing with his own grief.) but especially here lately as Sam seems ready to blow his top at the drop of a dime and his outburst about Benny came from a place of both anger and irritability... And Dean has been pretty angry and irritable himself lately.)

• difficulty concentrating; * (Again, the fact that Sam keeps spacing out and having flashbacks doesn't seem like he's really able to consistently concentrate on much more than the past and the memories of his trauma.. Yeah the memories about Amelia seem happy but to Sam they represent a time where he thought he had just lost Dean, for good, like no getting Dean back ever, for good.. So the memories of Amelia represent losing Dean.. Having lost Dean, being without Dean.. So how happy are they exactly?.. And as far as Dean goes he also keeps living in the past and he also isn't concentrating on the present or what's right in front of him.)

• increased vigilance that may be maladaptive; (This one seems to really fut Dean lately.)

• exaggerated startle response. * ( Sam does seem kind of flighty lately.. Like he's ready to bolt at any given moment and the events of Season 8 Episode 9 "Citizen Fang." shows just how "on edge" Sam has been feeling.. He just dropped everything and ran.. Which could very well happen again, all because of something that may trigger him later down the road.)

That's FOUR out of FIVE and TWO MORE than needed for a diagnosis out of this group of symptoms.. Which when put with the totals out of the other groups of symptoms along with all of the risk factors he has.. I'd say it's a firm "YES" that Sam is a shoe in for having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (And so is Dean As Dean has THREE of FOUR symptoms from the first group of symptoms, THREE out of SEVEN symptoms out of the second group of symptoms (Which is EXACTLY how many is needed for a diagnoses of P.T.S.D.) and THREE out of FIVE symptoms from the third group of symptoms. As well as having almost all of the same risk factors as Sam.)

AND here's just a little bit more info on P.T.S.D. that may help prove my case about certain aspects of Sam's life as well as help prove that he does NOT deal very well with losing Dean or having to be "At war" almost all the time.. I mean seriously he's been being treated like a "soldier" since he was how old? And I hope that this will also go a ways to helping prove that Sam has been suicidal several times throughout the course of the history of the Series.. ANYWAY here's the info:

Suicidal feelings can arise in trauma survivors for many reasons.

For veterans, research has found that memories and guilt about

combat experiences can put someone at a greater risk of

suicide. (Wow "memories and guilt" about "combat" experiences and since MOSt of his life has been almost nothing but "combat" experiences and all the times he lost Dean counts as losing Dean "in combat".. I'd say Sam has a lot of potential to be at a great risk of suicide

Rape survivors are also more likely than the general population to attempt suicide. (If I'm right about what might have happened to Sam at Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie and therefore right about why Sam is afraid of clowns and also right about why Sam ran away to Flagstaff then I'd say Sam has been at real risk for suicide since he was thirteen... And if I'm right about what happened to Sam in The Cage then Sam is really at a very high risk of suicide.)

Survivors of trauma during Childhood also have a higher risk of suicide than the general piblic.

Traumatic events have a very profound impact on a child's developing brain, body and sense of self. Children can carry these negative effects of trauma well into adulthood.

Children who experience chronic neglect or any kind of physical, sexual or emotional abuse struggle

in many areas of life as they are still developing the ability to process ideas, emotionally and physically, and thus express P.T.S.D. symptoms in different ways from adults. Common problems include:

• difficulty regulating their emotional reactions;

• establishing and maintaining relationships;

• controlling aggression; and/or

• low self esteem and functioning in school. (Which we aren't really shown enough of Sam's childhood to discern whether or not he did suffer from any of these symptoms as a child, we do know that John was hardly there which I believe counts as neglect (even if John was doing it out of trying to keep Sam safe) and Sam insinuated in Season 7 Episode 3 "The girl next door." that John was a violent drunk, which may also imply other types of abuse.. but most certainly tells that at the very least he was exposed to his father being drunk a lot and even if no physical abuses came out of John's drunkedness it was still neglectful of John to allow Sam to have to see him like that, which on it's own could very well count as mental and emotional abuse and we do know Sam did have problems with self esteem as a child and that he started getting really argumentative as he grew older and we do know that he had trouble making friends sometimes (Well he was always the new kid and that most likely contributed.. But that in itself could have caused traumas of it's own), which may have be enough to count as him having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a child or enough to show that he does have a foundation for having had developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at some point in his adult life and IF I'm right about what happened to Sam at Plucky's, why Sam's afraid of clowns and even partially right about why Sam ran away to Flagstaff, then I'd say Sam is indeed a really high risk of suicide.)

Adolescents who were abused as children are overrepresented in the juvenile justice and criminal justice system. They also have high rates of substance abuse (Like becoming addicted to demon blood?) and psychiatric illness, such as borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder and eating disorders as well as hightened risk of suicide.

Children learn how to regulate their emotions and sense of self over time through caring relationships. When these relationships are the source of trauma for the child, they can cause confusion and lead to isolation and withdrawal. (And I think Sam's relationship with John may have been a sorce of trauma.. After all at the very least Sam must have felt like he was continually being abandonned every time John left for extended periods of time and that in itself could have caused trauma) This may weaken the child's ability to create trusting relationships later in life. Untreated childhood trauma can impact a person's life into adulthood. Children who experience child abuse or any other kind of trauma may grow into adults with P.T.S.D.

Some research has found that more than twice the number of adults with a history of child abuse or childhood trauma go on to develop symptoms of P.T.S.D. compared to those with no history of abuse or trauma. As adults, people with a long historynof childhood trauma of any kind are also at a higher risk of developing medical problems.

Some of the very symptoms of P.T.S.D.—anger, poor impulse control (Poor impulse control?.. Like trusting a demon and getting addicted to demon blood kind of poor impulse control?), a tendency to isolate or

hold in feelings (Which has both Sam and Dean written all over it)—can also increase suicide risk. People

who receive some type of treatment are statistically less likely to exhibit suicidal behavior, illustrating the importance ofgetting help for P.T.S.D. and any associated conditions like Depression.

People who have been traumatized often have conditions that co-occur with P.T.S.D.. These conditions can include depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and substance abuse. (Again.. Demon blood.. I can not stress the demon blood thing enough.)

Some people living with P.T.S.D. turn to alcohol (Which we know Sam did.) and drugs (Again I really must stress the demon blood thing.) in an effort to self-medicate or control the overwhelming feelings resulting from their trauma. While alcohol and drugs can appear to help reduce overwhelming anxiety in the short term, in themlong term, they contribute to worsening symptoms and make a person's recovery efforts more difficult. (And really it seems as if Sam does really struggle with recovering (Of course the fact that he keeps losing everything and the fact that he keeps losing everyone he cares about OVER AND OVER AGAIN doesn't really help matters.. And that's aside from all of the other crap that happened to traumatize Sam.

SO.. Now that you know SOME of the risk factors for developing Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as some of the symptoms for both Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I hope that it can be seen as canon that BOTH Sam AND Dean DO in fact have Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (After all Dean DOES share several of the risk factors and he DOES have several of the symptoms to BOTH.)

~0~ A/N: End of info.

(Those who skipped the info can pick back up here.)

PLOT: Sam's been hiding things from Dean but a hunt for an angry spirit ends up bringing Sam's secrets to light in more ways than one.

CHARACTERS: Sam, Dean, Cas, Benny, Crowley, lots of demon henchmen, Kevin, Garth, Mrs. Tran, an angry spirit (actually more than one), possibly Naomi and other angels.

A/N: I have plenty to rant about this Season along with SEVERAL theories and ideas I'd like to share.. So keep an eye on my Author's Notes. Cause, who knows?.. My ideas might be right or my rants may be well founded.

I love all my readers.. For all you guys following some of my other unfinished stories.. YES.. I.. WILL complete them! I am currently juggling this.. I was going to write this one anyway but now I'm tailoring it to fit a request by AshleyMarie84 who is a loyal reader and reviewer to my fics "1,000 hits to the head.", "On broken wings." and "A little slice of Kevin." (Which are also not finished YET.. I stress the YET. I will finish them.), ANOTHER new story that I'm still working on the first Chapter to that I'm going to call "Remington.", the next Chapter to "Brothers just the same." (This one may be something that Cas fans will really like as I can't help but think that Castiel's big blue eyes (Sorry actually Jimmy Novak's (Castiel's vessel) big blue eyes rather) resemble Mary Winchester's big blue eyes or how his build reminds me of John.. And YES this IS a shameless self promotion.), "Childhood sweethearts.", "Nightmares from Plucky's." and SO MANY of my other unfinished stories.. And I apologize for the torturous time that the readers of those stories are spending waiting for updates. I just have problems with organizing my thoughts so when I have problems with writer's block on one story I move on to working on others I haven't finished yet or start a new one that will also take me forever to complete.. But from what I've heard it's actually a normal thing for creative people to do stuff like that.. And I am creative, so hopefully it's understandable and forgivable.

"Because it hurts." Chapter 1.

*"There it is.. That ole' familiar face."..*...

Sam finished the last of his whiskey then turned to leave. But as he turned he was stopped, frozen like a deer in the headlights by the sight of Amelia standing right there.

"I knew that was you." She said sounding like she might cry.

Sam understood. Seeing her was just as emotional for him as seeing him was for her.

For a second it was hard for him to breath and he was pretty sure that his heart may have skipped a beat. Seeing her hurt in ways he could never express. Not because he loved her and had to let her go. No it was because he realized not long after having left her to let her have a chance at being actually happy with her husband, that he hadn't really loved her. Her dad had been right. He really had just been using her as something to hold on to. If it hadn't been for her talking him into caring for Riot then her having turned out being just as broken and in need of something to hold to as him, then he would have driven off an over hundred foot sheer drop off like he'd originally had planned months ago when Riot had ran in front of him and distracted him from that plan, which had thus lead him to Amelia who was in equally as bad a place as he had been. She had helped him find the will to keep living, to keep holding on for just a little longer. For that he would forever be grateful and he'd always care about her. But he didn't love her.

He no longer felt that it was in his capacity to feel that deep of an emotion for anyone that hadn't already been his family when Cas and Dean exploded into a puddle of black ooze along with Dick Roman right before his eyes.. And that hadn't been anyone aside from Bobby, who was dead, Cas whose existance he had thought had been obliterated in the explosion and Dean who he had thought was killed in the eruption that had caused both Dean and Cas to disappear without a trace besides the black goo that had been left behind... And now that he'd been proven wrong about Dean's and even Castiel's deaths, Dean hated him, had found someone who had been a better brother to him in the course of a year than he himself had ever been and Cas was.. Cas was still just Cas. He was sure the angel considered him a friend, maybe even family, but he didn't know if the angel actually understood the emotions involved in real HUMAN relationships like friendship or family.. After all emotions weren't exactly always an angel's strong suit... Especially where Cas was concerned. In fact even just remembering his time with Amelia did nothing but make him remember what the pain of not having Dean anymore had felt like and since that pain was already still so raw, especially after everything that had been happening with Dean lately, actually seeing her again was causing him actual physical pain.

But he knew he was in a predicament because Amelia looked as if she were expecting an explination, that he couldn't give, as to why he was there and whether he had really loved her or not, she had saved him and he owed her enough to give explaining himself a shot.

"I didn't come to cause trouble.. or to make things hard for you. I just.. I wanted to stop by your place and make sure you were doing alright.. Then I realized that, that would make me look like a total stalker so I came here instead.. Needed a few drinks before I left town again." He said with a nervous chuckle.

"Sam.. Just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean I don't still care about you... So I get it.. I do, I've been wanting to know if you were doing alright to.. I can't count how many times I almost called just so I could know.. And if I'd known where you'd run off to when you just up and disappeared the way you did I probably would've stalked around your place just to catch a glimpse of you."

Sam gave another nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck in a sheepish manner because that had been exactly what he'd done. Well of course he had cause to think she was in some kind of trouble.. But still.. He really had needed to know that she was alright.

"So.. Are you.. Are you reconnecting with Don?.. Or.."

"We're back together.. But we're taking it slow.. Neither of us wants to just dive back into a relationship with.. Well It's only been a little over six months since he's been back and."..

"I can imagine how akward it's been." .. Believe me I know first hand. .. He thought. "I shouldn't have come.. I've probably only made things worse." .. Story of my life. ..

"Sam you didn't make things.. Don understands.. And he.. He'd understand if you and I needed stay in touch. He'd be okay with us needing to talk. We've both been through some rough times lately and Don gets that."

Sam smiled, because Don was a good guy and of course he'd tell Amelia that it was okay if she "Stayed in touch." with the guy who had helped her keep living through a very difficult point in her life. But any man wouldn't want someone who had very nearly had his wife as their own to come barging back into his wife's life, not even as a friend. No matter what the circumstances had been and Sam was going to respect that and leave while he still could before Amelia got the wrong idea and that ended up starting trouble between her and Don later on down the road. Besides he had to many troubles with a brother that seemed to resent his very existance and a vampire that whether bad or not had killed a hunter and those things had to be addressed so he couldn't stick around and try to be "Just friends." with Amelia.. Even if he really wanted to... And he did want to.. Cause right now.. He could really use a friend.

"I'm sure he does." Sam stated as he continued to force a truly emotionless smile "But I really do have to be going. It was nice seeing you again though. I'm glad you're doing okay and I wish only the best for you and Don."

Amelia looked saddened and hurt by the way he was so abruptly making his departure as he all to cooly brushed past her with a purposeful air of nonchalance. And yes, the way he was just leaving without so much as a backwards glance after having been so cold, hurt him as well, but he couldn't let it show. It was a dick thing of him to just show up saying he needed to check on her then act as if she didn't matter and he knew it. But he also knew that she'd be better off for it in the long run.

The second he was seated in Martin's beat up old car he took out his cell phone and deleted Amelia's numbers from his contacts. This had just become yet another part of his life that he could never revisit again and it was best to just let it go, let her go, now...

... FLASHBACK ...

As he blinked Sam was swept away by a truly horrifying moment.

His eyes had turned into a viscous molten liquid that was oozing from his eye sockets. He was blind again. Lucifer just loved robbing him of one or more senses at a time and today it was his sense of sight and sense of touch in every part of his body from the neck down.

He heard Lucifer laugh at him as he was left to wallow in the painful darkness for what he knew would be hours on end if not days.

Apparently though Lucifer wanted to play and Sam felt some of the binds that had been wrapped so tightly around him that they'd cut of circulation and feeling being removed, releasing a cacophony of pins and needles that shot through his right leg. But Lucifer made no move that Sam could sense, with the only senses he had left, to remove any of the other bindings. Lucifer wanted Sam's suffering to be slow and deliberate after all.

After what felt like an eternity.. And it possibly WAS an eternity.. It was The Cage after all.. Lucifer began to unwrap Sam's right arm which gave way to a new symphony of painful pins and needles radiating in time with his pulse as was the same rhythm the pain in his leg was keeping which only added to agony that Sam was feeling and in all honesty it felt shameful that the awakening of a numb limb could cause him so much pain.

But Lucifer wasn't done. This sort of torture was only an appetizer and Sam knew he'd hate today's main course.

And Sam was right. He was bound in a way he literally could not move a muscle that wasn't from the neck up, he was blind, helpless and already in shamefully severe pain when Lucifer turned the torture up a notch.

Sam had thought that the pain in his eye sockets could get no worse now that his eyes had been liquified. He had been wrong. The pain could get worse and it did. Now the pain was so horrendous that it could not be described.

His eyes felt ready to explode, which confused Sam. Because hadn't they been melted by Lucifer again only mere moments ago?

He felt hands grabbing at him unexpectantly and this is what he'd known Lucifer would eventually resort to. Lucifer never could torture him without violating him in the worst possible manners. Never one to willingly allow anyone to touch him in such ways he fought back with the best of his ability only to find himself thrashing awake and bolting upright panting harshly as soothing words from someone seemingly far away tried to put him at ease.

Sam let his breathing return to normal and soon the sound of his rapid pulse in his ears dissipated and Amelia started to sound closer.

The throbbing behind his eyes and the tingling in his right arm and right leg had followed him from his nightmare into the waking world.. And this wasn't the first time.

"Sweetie?" Amelia asked sounding concerned.

"I'm okay now. It was just a nightmare."

"Just a nightmare." She said sounding incredulous "Sam you sounded like you were being murdered!"

"It was just a bad dream. I'm fine. Honest."

"Yeah, just like last night it was just a bad dream and the night before that and the night before that and just like all those other times you're "fine" until tomorrow night when you start screaming in your sleep again. But you'll swear that it's a bad dream and that you're "fine" then to."

"I'm sorry."

"Sam.. I'm not mad. I'm worried about you. You can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy. You've suffered through a terrible loss and the pain of that is starting to affect your day to day life."

She had no idea how right she was. It had been affecting his "day to day life" long before he'd ever even met her.

"I think you should see someone."

"Whoa!.. You mean like a shrink?!" Sam asked sounding offended.

"Sam I know what you're thinking and seeing a counselor doesn't make you crazy. I had to see one after hearing that Don died. Sam I was in such a dark place that if I hadn't gone I wouldn't even be here right now."

"But I'm fine. I'm not in a dark place like that. Ames you help keep me out of all those dark places.." He knew that she wasn't really who he needed at this moment.. But who he needed couldn't be here for him, so all he really had was her..

"But Sam I'm not a professional. They have ways to help. There's medications that they can.."

"MEDICATIONS?!.. Ames.. I don't need to be medicated! I'm NOT crazy."

"Damn it Sam." Amelia growled as she pushed past him and into the bathroom. She started digging into one of cabinets and pulled out a small box and thrust it into Sam's massive hand asking "Am I crazy for needing these?"

Sam turned the small box in his hand feeling bewildered as he read the label "2 Blister packs of 2 capsules. Prozac weekly. Fluoxetine hydrochloride. Delayed release capsules. Once weekly. Each capsule equivalent to 90mg fluoxetine."..

"Once weekly?" He asked sounding interested. "You mean you don't have to?.."

"Take them everyday? No. There's choices Sam. It's not something that has to rule your life. You don't have to let needing something like these define you."

"I don't know Ames.. I mean I know that people who need anti-depressants aren't crazy. And I'm sorry for.."

"Don't be the first time someone suggested it to me I had almost the exact same reaction you did. I get it. Trust me."

"I just don't think I'm depressed. Well I'm.. It hurts that Dean is gone.. But.. It's.. And I don't know.. And what about the nightmares?.. They have nothing to do with being depressed."

"They might. I had all kinds of nightmares right after finding out Don died." Amelia replied as she gave Sam's shoulder a comforting squeeze. "And there are medications that can help with the nightmares to."

"But I just.. Will I.. Is it permanent?.. If I start taking stuff like this am I gonna have to take them for the rest of my life?"

"For a guy who went to Stanford you're not too bright." Amelia joked.

"I studied law Ames. I didn't have to think about stuff like this. And my brother would've have called me an emo girl if I'd ever said I thought I needed any of this kind of stuff."

Amelia glared at him for the emo girl comment as Sam gave a sheepish "Sorry. I'm not saying you're an emo girl. Just that's what Dean would've said about me."

Amelia was still glaring "Not that being emotional and a girl is a bad thing.. It's just what Dean would've said. To you know, tease me? He probably would've liked to pick on me for stuff like.." He held up the box that he still had in his hand "Me needing stuff like this."

"Sounds like he was real sensitive." She said sarcastically.

"He wouldn't do it to be insensitive, it would've been his way of.. Of letting me know that needing this stuff didn't change things. Of course I never would've admitted needing stuff like this to him even though I know he'd be.."

"He'd want me to get the help I need." Sam whispered as it dawned on him.

"And there it is. It took me a while to realize that Don would've wanted that for me to.. It was easier to let myself accept the help I needed once I realized Don would've wanted me to find the will to live again. And Dean would want that for you to Sam."

"So how do I?.. Where do I start?" Sam asked.

"Well I can make you an appointment with my counselor and if you don't like her you can ask her to refer you to someone else."

"I still don't think a counselor is a good idea.. There's things that I.. Some shrink is NOT going to understand what I've.."

"Just give it a try Sam. Please. You might be surprised."

"Okay. Fine. You're right. At the very least I can maybe get something to help stop the nightmares."

Amelia smiled and kissed him then said "Come on. Let's get back in bed. We've got a big day tomorrow."

... FLASHBACK ENDS ...

Sam blinked away the memory.. He remembered going to the counselor.. He remembered feeling bad about wasting her time because there was so much about his life that he couldn't be honest about.. But apparently the things he had been able to be honest about was enough for the counselor to confirm that he did indeed have Depression. She also told him that he may possibly also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of witnessing a loved one die a violent death (He'd told the counselor that he'd watch Dean die in an accident during the demolition of a building.. Because "I watched my brother explode." seemed to need at least some elaboration and well he couldn't have exactly told the truth.

The counselor reffered him to a psychiatrist so that he could get the prescriptions for the proper medications and the psychiatrist had been the one to figure out that not all of his symptoms were from just the Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The psychiatrist had been the one to reffer him to the neurologist who had diagnosed his Multiple Scleroisis and the neurologist was the one to reffer him to the cardiologist who had diagnosed his Atrial Fibrillation. He'd just gotten used to taking all of the medications that he needed to manage all of his conditions, he was actually beginning to feel a little better when the call came that Amelia's husband was alive and Sam had begun to sink back into the pit of despair despite the medications. And now.. NOW with everything that was happening with Dean.. Well Sam had stopped seeing a point in keeping up with the medications weeks ago right after Dean had said what he'd said when possessed by the Spectre as he didn't really see much point in continuing to live after that.. The only thing that had kept him from killing himself then was that he didn't have the convenience of enough time without Dean to do so.. Maybe now would be a good time?

Sam gave a dry chuckle at the thought of just ending his life now. He really wanted to.. But then that would leave a possibly dangerous vamp to roam unchecked and if Dean was in the right head space then he'd be telling Sam not to shirk his responsibilities again. And the last thing Sam wanted was for Dean.. HIS Dean, who HIS Dean really was when he was thinking straight, to be disappointed in him... AGAIN.. And he knew his Dean would do it, had done it, for him. So he had to at least make sure that Benny wasn't really a threat before he could carry through with his continuously aborted plans to take his own life... For now.. All he could do was call Dean back and ask were they could meet.

SIX WEEKS LATER...

When Castiel had come back in need of Sam and Dean's help with some new stunt that Crowley was pulling he had immediately picked up on the increased tension between the Winchester brothers. Cas had then summerily told Sam and Dean that he needed them bith to "Stow their crap." which in all honesty would have been hillarious to either brother in any other situation because they were both pretty sure that Cas didn't really know what he was saying meant.. It had just been sheer luck that Cas had managed to say something that had actually made sense in a commanding and authoritive tone that it had actually made sense in. And being as they were needed Sam and Dean did in fact "stow their crap" for that time being at least and once again all attempts to stop Crowley from whatever he was up to had failed and then Sam and Dean were right back to where they'd been when Cas had shown up, so the angel had stayed and had been trying to help rebuild bridges between Sam and Dean to no avail ever since.

No amount of talking could make either brother see what was really going on with the other and Cas knew that if things didn't change soon then the outcome would be disasterous.

Dean seemed to like continuously shutting Sam out by making it obvious how he preffered Castiel's company over Sam's and soon Sam was riding in the back of the Impala instead of in his usual seat by Dean's side. Which as much as Cas enjoyed getting to sit up front he hadn't wanted it to come at this cost. Then things progressed as Sam grew quieter and quieter and more and more distant, suddenly Sam wasn't eating at the same table as Dean, and that's only if he was eating at all and because Cas never slept he became aware of how much trouble Sam was having with sleep. Things were getting to a boiling point.. Fast and neither of the Winchester brothers could see it happening.

Things looked like they might change for the better when on a hunt in Wyoming Sam extended an olive branch and told Dean that if Dean wanted Benny to join them then he'd be willing to fly a flag of truce with Benny for Dean's sake unless the vampire got out of hand and Dean had cordially accepted. For a little less than two weeks Sam and Dean's bond seemed like it was on the mend, then Benny saved Dean's life again and Sam was cast back into the lonely shadows as Dean was once again treating Sam as if he could never be good enough and Sam began to wilt once more.

PRESENT DAY...

Garth had called needing help with a hunt so after Dean explained the situations with Benny being a vampire and Cas being an angel and made sure that Garth was cool with having Benny and Cas around he, Benny, Cas and Sam headed to Atlantic City, New Jersey and Dean couldn't have been more happy to be going to a place where he could fatten up their cash supply.

Garth told Dean that he'd already booked three rooms at the "Black Jack Inn" so that when they pulled into town all they had to do was unpack.

Dean talked Benny into sleeping somewhere else besides his "rolling deathtrap" for a few days and so Benny was going to share a room with Dean instead of Sam.. Which Cas honestly thought that Dean was taking isolating Sam as what Cas thought was an undeserved, punishment, a bit to far.. But Dean wouldn't listen to him...

The day after settling in Garth caught everyone up to speed.

Apparently there had been several attacks on several people all over Atlantic City.. But the attacks looked like the work of an angry spirit.. But the issue was the fact that the attacks where so wide spread and so seemingly broad spectrum that it wasn't a usual case of a salt and burn.. No, this looked like there may be another spectre at work... And unfortunately they had no way of knowing who the spirit was or what sort of object it may be possessing. The only way to get any leads was to talk to the victims who had survived the attacks and to all of the hunters' dismay, the only ones to survive the attacks were either completely catatonic or in comas...

With no way to talk to the only people who might have any useful info the group split up. Benny and Cas went with Dean and Sam teamed up with Garth.

Sam came across a chance lead that guided him to a ritzy, upscale hotel called the Rodagran and apparently Dean had come across a similar lead as Dean, Benny and Cas showed up at the hotel as well.

What Sam didn't know was that Garth had sent a text to Benny that told him about the lead and the two conspired to end up splitting off to force Dean to work with Sam.

Benny said he'd help Garth as someone who actually had their head in the game had to watch the skinny nerd's back (Benny played it off like he was insulting Sam to try and get some sort of brotherly response from Dean.. But it was to no avail.) and Cas was "suddenly" needed to go watch after the Trans. Meaning if Dean wanted back up he had to settle for Sam.

Garth and Benny took the ninth floor while Sam and Dean took the fifteenth floor as they were the floors the leads pointed to.

Dean stayed a good distance from Sam.. He couldn't stand having Sam in his space at the moment.. It had been that way for a while and it was beginning to fester.. It was becoming something dark within Dean.

Suddenly the temperature dropped. Dean let out a breath and could see how his breath became a mist in the cold. It signaled the spectre was near.

Dean had a dark thought and he gave Sam a look that would tell Sam exactly what it needed to convey "It's my turn to let something get you." then he closed a door that stood between him and Sam and locked Sam in the room with the spectre.. He didn't even know why he'd done that.. Yes he was still pissed at Sam.. But he'd never do something so unprofessional even if he were working with his worst enemy.

The second Sam was on the other side of the closed door the entire fifteenth floor erupted into flames.

Dean called Benny's cell and told him he needed him and Garth to get up there because Sam was trapped.. Of course he left out the fact that Sam was trapped because of him.

Apparently it wasn't just the fifteenth floor that was on fire.. But the whole hotel was going up in flames. Benny and Dean managed to break down the door to the room Sam was trapped in, just in time to see part of the ceiling collapse and land on top of Sam.

A white mist formed near Sam and Benny, Sam and Dean found themselves unable to move. The spirit flickered and took on more of a shape as it hovered over Sam's limp body, it reached out it's hand and caresses Sam's temple in an almost loving and sympathetic fashion then flickered back out and disappeared.

Dean scanned the rubble that was left in the wake of the fire, there were no signs of the spirit, it was just him, Garth, Benny and Sam.

Benny nodded that he would watch would watch everyone's backs while Garth and Dean hoisted the collapsed beam off of Sam.

Once the heavy metal beam was removed from on top of the unconscious Sam, Dean knelt down beside his little brother and started checking for signs of life.

"He's not breathing." Garth whispered in horror from Sam's other side.

Dean felt around Sam's neck for the thrumming of a pulse. There wasn't one.

"Help me get him flat on his back and tilt his head back." Dean ordered sternly.

Garth helped roll Sam to his back and then tilted Sam's head back as Dean instructed.

"Do you know C.P.R.?" Dean asked.

"Yeah." Garth answered sounding shaky.

"Start chest compressions. I'll breath for him. Benny call nine-one-one."

"On it brother." Benny replied as Garth stared chest compressions.

By the time the ambulance arrived, ten minutes had passed, it had been well past the amount of time that a time of death should have been called, but Dean wasn't giving up on Sam.

The paramedics managed to defibulate Sam's heart back into an unsteady rythm, but Dean counted that as a win because at least Sam's heart was beating again.

Dean tossed Benny the keys to the Impala and told him and Garth to go get Cas then to meet him and Sam at the hospital. Benny and Garth both nodded and rushed to do as they were told as Dean climbed up into the ambulance to sit as close to his little brother as the paramedics would allow.

The second the ambulance sqreeched to a stop in the ambulance dock of the hospital, everything turned to chaos. Apparently four other ambulances were also unloading other criticaly injured people that had been hurt in the fires that the angry spirit had caused in the business district. Sam was pulled away by three medical personel while the other four people were being pulled away from their shock stricken loved ones by teams of medical personel of their own.

Dean tried to stay close to Sam and when a nurse pulled him away from Sam's side and started ushering him into the waiting room, Dean echoed the distraught people around him when he cried "You don't understand. He's my family."

But he wasn't aware that everyone who was in there with him right then and there had said nearly the exact same thing about their loved ones, for he only had eyes and ears for anything that might be about Sam. He felt that he should be by his brother's side despite whatever the nurse who was pushing him into the waiting room with all of those other families was saying.

When all of the obligatory paper work was finally placed in Dean's hands all Dean could feel was anger at himself for what he'd done to Sam and when Benny and Garth arrived with Cas in tow Dean was no longer aware of very much more than his feelings of guilt...

And when the doctor came into the waiting room and gave him the news about some medical conditions that Sam had and then told him about Sam slipping into a coma all Dean could feel was despair...

A/N: So?.. What does everyone think so far?