No One Mourns the Wicked

"…Females of some species of bats have delayed fertilization, in which sperm are stored in the reproductive tract for several months after mating. In many such cases, mating occurs in the fall, and fertilization does not occur until the following spring. Other species exhibit delayed implantation, in which the egg is fertilized after mating, but remains free in the reproductive tract until external conditions become favorable for giving birth…"

"Move it, losers!" interrupted the Joker, smacking Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch across the back of their heads. "TV's mine now!"

"We were watching that, J!" snapped Crane, rubbing his head angrily as Joker seized the remote and changed the channel.

"Not anymore you ain't," he retorted. "My soap's on and I ain't gonna miss it because you nerds wanna watch two flying rodents going at it. What kinda sick freaks are you anyway? Oughta be ashamed of yourself."

"It's science, you ignorant buffoon," retorted Tetch.

"That what you tell Alice? No wonder you never get a date," replied Joker, chuckling. They both glared at him. "You deaf?! I said beat it!" Joker shouted, shoving Tetch off the couch. "What are you waiting for, Crane? Hoping Harley will sit in your lap?"

For a man who had been bullied his whole life, being told what to do by the Joker was utterly intolerable for Crane. He opened his mouth to respond when Harley skipped into the room, pigtails bouncing, and beaming. "Got the TV, puddin'?" she asked. "Hope you didn't have to inconvenience anyone for it."

"Perish the thought, pooh. Jervis and Johnny were happy to move, weren't you guys?" asked Joker, grinning.

Crane glared at him but stood up. "Thanks, Johnny, you're a real pal!" said Harley, hugging him. Joker sat down on the sofa and Harley snuggled into his lap, making Crane's sacrifice rather redundant. Harley kissed Joker, murmuring, "I'm so excited for this week, puddin'. Do you think Hailey's gonna go through with the wedding?"

"Nah. She deserves better than that loser Jimmy, and she secretly knows it," retorted Joker. "I think she'll only realize once she gets to the altar, though. That's usually how these things work."

"You're so clever, puddin'," sighed Harley, nuzzling his face. Crane and Tetch watched her sickening displays of over-affection for a moment, then stormed off to join the other inmates of Arkham Asylum at the far side of the recreational room. These currently consisted of Poison Ivy, Two-Face, and Edward Nygma, who were playing a game of Clue. Or at least, that was the idea, but within a few turns, Nygma was able to reveal who had committed the crime, where, with what weapon, and even a motivation for the murder.

"It's not a good idea to show off, Nygma," growled Two-Face, throwing down his cards and glaring at him. "Bad things happen to people who pretend they're better than everyone else."

"If that were true, Harvey, Batman would be dead a million times over," retorted Nygma. "Anyway, there's no 'pretending' about it. There is no harm in the intellectually superior amongst us asserting their dominance. The rest of the sub-intellectuals should know their place, and follow in line."

"I'm not sure I like the term sub-intellectuals," said Ivy. "You may have a very mathematical mind, Eddie, but that doesn't make you necessarily smarter than anyone else, does it?"

"Well, who's won the past eight games, Pam?" asked Nygma, grinning. "If you view life as a game, as a riddle to be solved, of course the most intelligent are going to succeed in life."

"So where's your success, Nygma?" asked Two-Face. "You're locked up in here, same as the rest of us."

"I can escape whenever I choose," retorted Nygma. "I am only here as long as it amuses me to be so."

"And as long as Batman keeps putting you back in here," retorted Two-Face, grinning. "Must be hard for the intellectually superior to be constantly foiled by a man who dresses up as a flying rodent every night."

"Will you idiots shut up about the Bat?" shouted Joker, whirling around. "We're trying to watch TV!"

"You tell 'em, puddin'," said Harley, sighing dreamily and cuddling against him. "My big, strong, forceful lover!"

"When it comes right down to it, Nygma, I bet you ain't really that smart," continued Two-Face. "I bet you ain't really any smarter than Harley."

"Than…Harley?" stammered Nygma, offended. They all glanced over at the sofa, where Harley was gazing intently at the people on the screen.

"Aw, don't talk like that, Jimmy!" she cried suddenly at the TV. "You love her really! Don't let her slip through your fingers like that!"

"Hey, if he's stupid enough to let her go, she don't deserve to be stuck with him!" retorted Joker. "She can do so much better."

"But she loves him, puddin'," said Harley. "She loves him, and he loves her, even though he won't admit it! Aw, c'mon, Jimmy, just say it! She'll stay with you if you say it!"

"He ain't gonna say it, he's a moron!" shouted Joker. "Just beat it, Jimmy, and let Hailey go with a guy who'll really appreciate her!"

"I would be hurt by the accusation, Harvey, if it didn't come from a man who is clearly intellectually inferior himself," snapped Nygma.

"You're gonna let it bother you, though," said Two-Face with a grin. "That's the thing about intellectually superior people – much as they hate to admit it, they need the intellectually inferior to feel superior to. They need people to show off to, to prove they're smarter than them. And if they lose their respect, they'll spend the rest of their clever little lives trying to win it back. Maybe Pammie's right – it don't seem that smart to me."

"No, Hailey, stay with him!" shrieked Harley suddenly. "What are you doing?! Are you crazy?!"

"Nah, she's finally come to her senses," retorted Joker. "Good for you, kid. Tell him he's trash!"

"No, no, no, you love him!" shouted Harley. "Dammit, don't say that! You love him!"

They both gasped simultaneously. "Jesus Christ, she better leave him after that!" gasped Joker. "What kinda heartless bastard slaps a dame like that?! C'mon, you dumb blonde, get some self-respect back! Punch him back and leave him!"

"But she loves him, puddin'!" cried Harley, tears in her eyes.

"He hit her!" he snapped. "No gal should stay with a guy after he hits her!"

"But puddin', true love…"

"It ain't true love if he can treat her like crap!" interrupted Joker. "C'mon, Hailey, do the right thing! Atta girl!"

"No, Hailey, go back!" shouted Harley, the tears streaming down her face. "Go back! What are you doing?! He's the best thing that's ever happened to you! Are you outta your mind?! No, go back!"

She threw herself at the TV, shaking it. "No, no, no, don't leave him! Go back! Go back, you dumb broad!"

Joker threw the remote at Harley and it hit her in the back of the head. "Come back to the couch, you worthless dame! If you break the TV we can't watch the end of the episode!"

"But puddin', she has to go back to him!" sobbed Harley. "She can't leave him! They love each other!"

"I said get back here!" he shouted, grabbing her arm and ripping her away from the TV. He held her down, clapping a hand over her mouth and gazing intently at the screen.

"Harvey, you can't be serious," said Nygma, scowling. "Accusing me of being intellectually inferior to that bimbo…"

"I'm serious about everyone shutting up!" shouted Joker, whirling around. "When the TV is talking, you don't! Get me?!"

"You gonna take that from an intellectually inferior speciman of humanity?" murmured Two-Face, grinning.

"What some people lack in intelligence, they make up for in insanity," retorted Nygma. "And the truly intelligent among us choose not to aggravate the insane. It's just common sense."

"I heard a rumor they're going to kill off Hailey's character, J," said Ivy, reaching for a book. "They say the actress is sick of her contract and wants to start a career in movies."

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, that never works," retorted Joker. "When's the last time a soap star made a successful transition to movies? Clooney? I mean, people say I'm crazy, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

"What, you mean like you fighting Batman?" asked Ivy, grinning.

"My sanity is not in dispute, and neither is yours," retorted Joker. "We're in the madhouse together, Pammie. But she ain't. She wouldn't be stupid enough to…"

The female character on the TV was suddenly hit by a bus crossing the street. Harley shrieked, and Joker stared at the screen in astonishment. Then he laughed hysterically.

"It ain't funny, puddin'!" sobbed Harley, gazing at the TV aghast. "Oh God, what will Jimmy do?"

"The dumb bastard is gonna have to live the rest of his life with the knowledge that the last thing he did was hit her!" giggled Joker. "What a great joke on him!"

"No, no, she ain't dead!" gasped Harley as the scene switched to a hospital with Jimmy bending over the battered body of Hailey. "C'mon, Jimmy, tell her how you feel before it's too late!"

"Hailey, I…I…love…"

The doctor lay a hand on Jimmy's shoulder. "She's gone."

"No!" shrieked Harley, throwing herself at the TV and sobbing. "No, no, no! She can't be dead! She can't! Oh, Mr. J! Mr. J, make it all better!" sobbed Harley, burying her face in his chest.

"But pooh, it is terribly funny!" chuckled Joker. "Why ruin a great gag?"

"It ain't a great gag!" cried Harley. "It's the saddest thing I ever saw! Oh, puddin'! Why must the course of true love never run smooth?"

"That Shakespeare, Harl?" asked Ivy, looking up from her book.

Harley shrugged. "I dunno. Think I read it somewhere once though."

"Of course it's Shakespeare!" snapped Nygma. "It's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act I, Scene 1, spoken by Lysander to Hermia!"

"Well, ain't you smart, college boy," said Joker, grinning. "Quite the dangerous intellect, ain't ya?"

Harley snorted. "He ain't nothing compared to you, puddin'. No one's smarter than you, my precious, adorable, sweet baby."

She kissed him tenderly, and Nygma stood up, furiously. "I am easily the intellectual superior of you both, and everyone else in this asylum and out of it! And I'll prove it!"

He stormed off. "That's right, Eddie, go make up some riddles!" called Joker after him, laughing. "Aw, he's a depressing case, really," he sighed. "Gets his kicks outsmarting people. A guy can never be truly happy if he spends his life constantly comparing himself to others. I mean, look at the Bat. There's a man who always has to prove he's better than everyone, and look how miserable he is. Can't just have a little fun and enjoy himself with a few laughs. I tell ya, Harl, it makes me sad sometimes."

He started laughing hysterically. "But most of the time it just amuses me!" he chuckled.

"That is funny, Mr. J," sighed Harley. "Unlike the ending of the soap," she murmured, tears coming to her eyes again. "You think we should write them a letter, puddin'? Y'know, asking them to change it or something?"

"We'll see what we can do, pooh," he said, patting her head. "You freaks can have the TV back now," he said, standing up and turning to Crane and Tetch. "Maybe there's still time for you to catch the bat sex. Do you suppose that's what Bats calls it? He's got the Batclaw, the Batrope, the Batmobile – I don't think it would be out of character," he chuckled.

"You're the only person who likes to speculate what the Bat does in his intimate moments," growled Crane, seizing the remote from him.

"And Selina," chimed in Ivy. "And me, occasionally, when there's nothing new and exciting on my radar. Bats is an old familiar favorite."

"You've done better than Batman," growled Two-Face.

Joker giggled. "I guess you'll only ever be half a man to her, huh, Harv?" he laughed. "Second to the Bat – that must be galling."

"You could always ask Harley how it feels," retorted Ivy.

"I ain't second to the Bat," snapped Harley.

"No, she ain't second," agreed Joker, grinning. Harley beamed and kissed him. Ivy shook her head.

"You're a real bastard, J," she sighed. "Sometimes I wish you would just die or disappear or something and leave us all in peace."

"Don't pretend you wouldn't miss me, Pammie," replied Joker, grinning. "You may say it's the Bat, but I think we all know you've got a little thing for me deep down inside."

"Oh yeah, J, you're right," retorted Ivy sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Because women aren't turned on by a lotta muscle and a deep sexy voice. They're attracted to skinny, pasty-faced clowns with high-pitched laughs. What lucky lady wouldn't want to wake up next to that?"

"Hey, if other dames are too stupid to see how attractive Mr. J is, that's their problem," snapped Harley. "He's just the greatest!" she sighed, adoringly.

"It seems to me that this lady doth protest too much, Pammie," said Joker with a smile. "That's Shakespeare too, y'know, and Nygma ain't even here to appreciate it. Think he's crying in his cell?" he chuckled.

"I think he's devising some form of complicated riddle for one or both of you to solve," replied Two-Face.

"Aw, he's a thoughtful guy," giggled Joker. "Shame we won't be around to hear it."

"You planning on busting out?" asked Two-Face.

"That would be telling, Harvey," replied Joker, grinning.

"Well, if you are planning on busting out, it'd be nice to have a little warning so the rest of us could join you," retorted Two-Face.

"And what makes you think I'd want you losers slowing me down?" asked Joker. "It's bad enough I'm stuck with Harley. Besides, the Arkham doctors would be so bored without anyone to analyze. Better that the rest of you stay here for the time being, doncha think?"

"Aw, puddin's such a thoughtful guy," sighed Harley, dreamily.

"Anyway, if I don't see you freaks again, I'll just say sayonara suckers right now," chuckled Joker. "Having to hang out with you losers always makes the taste of freedom that much sweeter. Have fun wasting your lives in the nuthouse!"

He cackled as he and Harley left the room with the rest of the inmates glaring after them. "When are we escaping, puddin'?" murmured Harley, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Tomorrow morning, pooh, I'll come get you," he said, kissing her cheek. "Be awake by eight – we may have to leave in a hurry."

"Ok, puddin'," sighed Harley. "Maybe we could enjoy one last playtime before we bust out? Maybe in the electrotherapy room?" she murmured.

He chuckled, patting her head. "Trust me, baby, I'll be more in the mood once we're free. Tomorrow after we break out, and I've beaten a few guards' skulls in, I promise."

"Ok," sighed Harley in resignation. "Night, puddin'. See you tomorrow," she whispered, kissing him tenderly.

She returned to her cell, humming happily to herself. Nice as it was to see everyone at Arkham, she preferred it when it was just her and Mr. J. And neither her nor Joker did well being cooped up – they were kindred spirits who needed space and time to be alone. To be alone with each other, naturally – Harley didn't like being by herself and neither, she knew, did Joker. They never got tired of each other's company – at least, she never got tired of his, and she assumed the same was true for him. Heck, why would anyone ever want to be without their soulmate when they found them? Love like theirs was such a rare and wonderful thing, and Harley could never get enough of it. Nor, she assured herself, could anyone in their right mind.

She kissed the picture of Joker by her bedside. "Night, puddin'," she whispered again, shutting her eyes and falling asleep with a smile on her face.