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Hiashi Hyuga 2

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Hiashi was not a good man.

He had never claimed to be. He was a ninja, a killer, a murderer. That was his trade, the only life he had known. He was not as delusional as many to embellish it with beautiful words to make it seem an honorable occupation, at least in the privacy of his own mind. Such were pretty falsehoods to sell to the new generations, the same he had been told when he was just a boy. It was difficult to remember such a time. It didn't matter, he had made peace with it long ago. He felt no remorse or pleasure in the death of his enemies. But it was not only the blood of his enemies that soaked his hands.

He had tried so hard to be the perfect shinobi, the perfect heir, the perfect Head, to do what he had to do for the good of the clan no matter the cost. It was so ingrained in his very being since his birth if you stripped him of it there would have been nothing left. Duty, giri, such a short word for something so heavy. Sometimes he felt that he was drowning in it and he could no longer breathe but other times it was his only lifeline, the only thing that kept at bay the terrifying darkness that was insanity. It didn't soothe his nightmares nor silence his regrets, but as empty and dry as it was it gave him something to hold on to.

Now, it was not enough.

How could it be when you close your eyes and could only see red? Such deep and beautiful color, the color of life.. Oh kami! He felt so sick. The whole world swan before his eyes. Doubled over he leaned in the nearest wall for support. One hand traveled to his mouth trying to keep the content of his stomach down. 'Steady breaths Hiashi, you can't have a nervous breakdown, not here.' He tried to calm himself. 'Pathetic. What would they think if somebody saw you?" A cold voice asked in the back of his head. 'That I am human?' 'Oh! But you cannot be human, can you Hiashi? It is weakness. Are you are a shinobi or a sniveling boy? Act like it! The same voice ordered. It sounded like his father´s.

He closed his eyes and swallowed down. One step followed by another, he ran. It was undignified, it was a sign of weakness but he didn't care. He had to get out of that hospital.

A sniveling boy he was, a weak and broken man, pitiful. He wanted his brother. The thought hurt more than a kunai in the back. He had no right to even think of him. It was his fault. He killed him, his own little brother. He had asked. Hizashi had asked. But he was dying for him, how could he say no? He still could see it. The blade descending in a clean cut a slight band of flesh was left attaching the head to the body, so that hung in front as if embraced. Hiashi had always been a skilled swordsman and his pulse never faltered, not even then. But the blood! So red, so intense, hot and thick. It covered everything, the blade, his hands, his clothes, her kimono, her tights. The fear in her eyes knowing that this time it was different, she was dying. He had killed her too. The clan wanted a male heir. His little Hinata was not a genius like his nephew, she was not enough. Nothing he had ever done was enough. He shouldn't have listened to them! The elders, his father... He was a fool. The doctors had advised against it, her health was delicate. Oh! But how happy had they been! She was so hopeful showing it in her quiet a shy way. After so many miscarriages another pregnancy to good term! It would have been their miracle! Their second miracle! He had planned to name him Hizashi.

When everything was over and the nurse gave him the little bundle he almost laughed. A girl! So fitting!

Nothing he ever did was right! He ruined everything he touched. He destroyed everything he held could he be a father to his daughters? How could he lead the clan? And his children! How could he fulfill his promise? How could he look after his little brother's children when he was unable to look at the boy in the face? He had tried to know them both a little. He had felt that he owed them, to his brother or maybe it was just a form of shelf-punishment. It was easier with the girl, she looked like her mother and carried herself with that adult like confidence. It should have been disturbing but for him it was soothing, he didn't know how to deal with children. That had been clear in his first and last meeting with the boy. He looked like Hizashi, like himself at that age. Little wonder that he hated him now that he was old enough to understand .He didn't mind because as much his nephew could hate him he would never hate him more than Hiashi hated himself.

It should have been me, Hizashi!

Hizashi had always been the best of the twins, the brightest, the charming and happy one. If only there was no heir and no branch house... No jealousy and pettiness between them. But no, that was just his fault as everything else. He was the dark one, the jealous petty arrogant fool. His little brother had always been the better half of him. He was such a failure as a man, father, brother and husband.

He stopped. He was in their safe place, their sanctuary, their hiding spot. His subconscious mind had searched for comfort in that familiar corner.

Once again Hiashi felt envious of this dead brother. The Clan Head could not weep.

But oh! How he wanted to!

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