The Day the Laughter Died

Harley Quinn looked at her reflection in the mirror and frowned. It was really difficult to make yourself look attractive in rough, gray, mass-produced cotton that didn't quite fit, but she had to try. She and Mr. J had been incarcerated in Arkham Asylum for the past three weeks, she didn't know when they'd be able to bust out of it next, and she really, really wanted sex.

She was used to waiting – Mr. J was pretty apathetic about that most of the time, but it had gotten ridiculous. Harley couldn't really remember when the last time she had it was, which meant it was far too long for her liking. She didn't consider herself a nymphomaniac – she was just a passionate young woman with a healthy libido who was deeply in love with an incredibly attractive man. An incredibly attractive older man, who didn't have as much interest in physical relations as she did, which was only natural. There was nothing wrong with that, Harley thought, but it did mean that she had to make a real effort once in a while to get what she wanted. But it was always worth it.

She undid a couple buttons on her shirt, then rolled it up a little so that her waist was bare. She rolled up her pants to reveal her legs, and pulled her pigtails out, shaking out her blonde hair. Then she smiled at the mirror seductively. It would have to do. She just hoped it would work.

She left her cell and strode into the rec room, where Joker was seated on the sofa next to Two-Face, staring intently at the TV as he pressed buttons on a controller.

"That's crouch, J," muttered Two-Face. "You need to punch 'em, not crouch. Ain't you ever played a video game before?"

"Not really, no," retorted Joker. "Real addictive though, aren't they? I can see why people waste their lives in front of them – it's almost like being there. I feel like I really am the Dork Knight himself. Next thing you know, I'll start babbling a lot of crap about justice and trying to beat you up, Harv. Aw, c'mon, Bats, punch 'em!"

"Shouting at the screen doesn't help, you have to press the button!" growled Two-Face, seizing the controller from him.

Joker grabbed it back. "It's my game, not yours!" he snapped. "I'm playing as Bats, get me?! Now punch 'em, Batsy, you useless…there, thank you! Jesus, that was hard!"

"You wanna stop playing the tutorial and try the actual game now?" asked Two-Face.

"Sure. Not like I've got anything else to do cooped up in this dump," replied Joker, shrugging.

"I know someone you can do, puddin'," breathed Harley, draping her arms around him and kissing his cheek.

"Not now, Harley, I'm trying to play my game," retorted Joker, batting her away.

"We can play a game if you want, puddin'," she murmured, trying again. "I got a really dirty one in mind. Want me to tell you all about it? It involves you pressing a couple of my buttons and making me squeal. C'mon, baby."

"Harley, I can't see the screen!" snapped Joker, for Harley had climbed onto his lap and was attempting to kiss him. "Just get off, would ya? You're crushing my joystick!"

Harley looked puzzled. "That's kinda the idea, puddin'," she said. "Don't you like it?"

"I'm not talking about…never mind, just beat it!" he growled, shoving her off him. "I'm not in the mood!"

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', your Harley really, really wants a good revving," whined Harley. "You wouldn't want her gears to get all rusty, would you?"

Joker ignored her, suddenly gaping at the screen in astonishment. "That's me!" he gasped. "I'm in a video game! Guy voicing me don't do that bad a job, actually."

"Puddin', I…"

He suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth. "When I'm talking, you don't!" he snapped. "What am I saying? Am I taunting the Bat? Am I funny? I better be funny!"

He laughed. "Yeah, this guy's good, Harvey! Who is he?"

"Luke Skywalker," muttered Two-Face.

"No, he ain't," snapped Joker. "Don't try making jokes, Harv – that would only be funny if it were true."

"It is true," insisted Two-Face, throwing the booklet at him.

Joker gazed at it. "Well, whaddya know! I'm voiced by Luke Skywalker! What a gag! Guess the dark side was his destiny after all!" he chuckled. "Ain't that a great gag, Harley?"

"If you wanna gag me, puddin', I'd be up for that too," said Harley, desperately. "I'd be up for anything, really, whatever you wanna do. I just really, really want it. Please, puddin'."

"I said no, Harley," he retorted. "Now pipe down, would ya? I can't hear my game!"

"Please, please, please, puddin'!" she begged, falling to the ground and embracing his knees and sobbing. "Please, please, please, please, please! I want it so badly! Please, please, please, please, please…"

"All right, if it'll shut you up!" shouted Joker, throwing down the controller and standing up. He turned to Two-Face. "I'll be back in ten minutes – don't even think about stealing my game! C'mon, you useless broad!"

He grabbed Harley's hand and stormed from the room. "You angry, puddin'?" murmured Harley, beaming. "It's always better when you're angry."

"Yeah, I am," he growled. "And we're gonna start with a little beating to get me in the mood."

"My favorite kind of foreplay, Mr. J," breathed Harley, kissing him.

He shoved her into the janitor's closet and followed her, slamming the door shut and then slamming her against the wall, seizing her tightly around the throat and kissing her face as he hissed, "You useless, worthless, stupid, annoying, utter waste of…what the heck is that?"

Harley had shut her eyes in delight, but opened them to see Joker staring at a strange contraption in one corner of the closet. It appeared to be what looked like two top hats, glowing strangely, and connected by a thin wire. "Probably nothing important, puddin'," she murmured, grabbing his chin and turning his head back to face her, kissing him violently. "C'mon, punish your bad Harley girl for interrupting your game. You wanna spank her hard, puddin'?"

"It's humming," murmured Joker, shaking her off and turning to face the machine again.

"So will I – I'll purr like a kitten. C'mon, baby, don't do this," begged Harley, trying to pull him back to her. "Just give it to me."

"Stop whining, Harley, it's not attractive," he snapped, tearing himself away from her and crouching down to examine the machine. "There's only one guy who could be behind something like this…"

The door to the closet opened at that moment and Jervis Tetch, otherwise known as the Mad Hatter, appeared in the doorway, carrying a bunch of electrical parts. He saw Joker and Harley and started back in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, fury quickly overtaking his surprise.

"Trying to have a little private time," retorted Harley, grabbing Joker's arm and dragging him back to her. "So beat it, Jervis."

"What's the hat machine for, Jervis?" asked Joker, shoving her away from him and examining it again.

"None of your business," snapped Tetch.

Joker shrugged. "All right. If you won't tell me, I guess I'll have to figure it out for myself…"

"Don't touch it!" shouted Tetch, throwing himself in front of the machine. "It's not ready to be handled yet!"

"Unlike me!" shrieked Harley. "I'm beyond ready to be handled, so just touch me, Mr. J!" She grabbed his hands and placed them on her body. "C'mon baby, feel me up, I don't even mind that Jervis is here!"

"Just cool it, Harley!" shouted Joker, ripping his hands off her. "Go take a cold shower or something!"

"I don't want a cold shower!" she sobbed. "I want you, puddin'! Please give it to me, baby! Please, please, please…"

Joker grabbed her arm and shoved her out of the closet, then slammed the door in her face, barricading it shut with a mop. "All right. So what is it?" he asked, ignoring Harley pounding and screaming against the door.

"It's still none of your business," hissed Tetch.

"Yeah, but I'm interested," said Joker. "It'd be a good idea to satisfy my curiosity, Hatty, unless you want me to break both this and your face. Or maybe I'll be nice and let you pick one or the other. But I wouldn't bet on it," he chuckled.

Tetch glared at him. "It's an invention of mine," he retorted.

"What does it do?" asked Joker.

"It's far too scientifically complex for a layman to understand," snapped Tetch.

"Try me," said Joker, grinning.

Tetch took off his hat and rubbed his temples. "I'll try to put this in the simplest terms possible," he muttered.

"It's all right, Harley's gone," Joker replied, grinning, as he heard her sobs disappearing off down the hall.

"It requires two people, each wearing a hat," said Tetch, nodding at the pair. "It creates an alternate reality in the mind, a shared delusion, a hypothetical scenario – one person wishes for it, and both experience it. While under the influence of the hat, the delusion is the reality - there can be no return of consciousness to this reality unless you're both still wearing the hat and wish the opposite of the scenario you've created. Only then can you return to reality as we know it, otherwise your mind will be lost in the false one forever. So it's potentially a very dangerous machine."

"I'll say," agreed Joker. "Why did you invent it?"

"If you must know, I was hoping to lose myself in a far more pleasant reality than this one," retorted Tetch. "One where Alice and I could be together, perhaps."

"But it wouldn't be for real, right?" asked Joker.

Tetch shrugged. "Yes and no. Reality is a state of mind, as you are doubtless aware."

"Oh sure, I'm not an idiot," retorted Joker. "You tested it out yet?"

"No, I was waiting for Jonathan to be incarcerated. I only trust him to actually help me create my perfect reality, rather than someone being terribly cruel and wishing me to be, I don't know, Batman's sidekick or something."

"I suspect the Boy Blunder would be jealous," giggled Joker, grinning. "But you know I'd never do anything like that to you, Hatty. I'm a nice guy – you can trust me. C'mon, no time like the present. Let's test it out!"

"Joker, no!" cried Tetch. "I said it's not ready to be handled…"

"See, this is your problem, you got no confidence, Tetch," said Joker, shoving one hat on Tetch's head. "This is why Alice don't wanna be with you. You need to have a little faith in your own abilities. Now, what should we wish for?" he said, grinning as he put on the other. "I gotta say, I'm a pretty content guy. There ain't a lot more I could wish for that would make me happier."

"I know what would make me happy right now," growled Tetch. The hats suddenly lit up, and began making a whirring noise. "Oh no!" exclaimed Tetch, panic in his eyes. "No, I didn't mean to do that! Oh, why didn't I install a cancel button?!"

"Kinda stupid of you," agreed Joker. "Everyone knows installing a self-destruct button is essential – it's like supervillainism 101."

"Just shut up, Joker!" shouted Tetch. "This could be a huge problem! Oh, botheration!" He began muttering, "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe…"

"Why? What did you wish for?" asked Joker.

But there was suddenly a blinding flash of light. And when Joker and Tetch opened their eyes again, they were outside, with Gotham City spread out before them.

Joker chuckled, taking off the hat. "Gotta say, this don't look like a problem, Tetchy," he said, grinning. "We're outta the asylum anyway."

"Put the hat back on," said Tetch. "Quickly now – we have to get back. Put it on, and reverse the wish I made."

"What wish did you make?" demanded Joker.

"Hold it right there!" said a voice. They turned around to see a police officer pointing a gun at them. His eyes narrowed. "Jervis Tetch, we've been looking for you," he muttered. "You're under arrest, along with your friend there, whoever he is."

"Whoever he is?" repeated Joker, astonished and offended. "You been living in a cave, buddy? I'm the Joker!"

The policeman stared blankly at him. "Doesn't ring a bell," he replied. "You one of Tetch's associates?"

"I'm nobody's associate!" snapped Joker. "I'm the goddamn Joker! The Clown Prince of Crime, the Ace of Knaves, Batman's true nemesis, the one, the only, the original Joker!"

The policeman shook his head. "You've obviously got the same kind of crazy Tetch has – clearly a sad loser who thinks putting on a costume is gonna make everybody automatically know who you are. Well, we've got enough costumed freaks in this town without another loony adding himself to the mix. So why don't you just come quietly?"

"I'm the Joker!" shouted Joker. "I don't come quietly!"

The policeman sighed, shaking his head again. "Have it your way." He pulled out a radio. "HQ, this is Timm. Got Tetch and some other clown located at the corner of 5th and 3rd. Requesting immediate backup…"

Joker suddenly punched him in the face. He beat him to the ground and then seized the radio. "Tell them to send the Bat!" he shouted. "This is his nemesis, the Joker! Ring any bells, lamebrain?!"

"Um…not really," replied the person on the other end. "New to Gotham, are you?"

With a roar of fury, Joker threw the radio on the ground, shattering it. "What did you wish for, Tetch?" he demanded, rounding on him.

"Um…well…" stammered Tetch, backing slowly away from him. "I wished…that is…I wished…" He began muttering again, "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"

"What did you wish?" repeated Joker, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him up.

"I wished you had never been born," whispered Tetch. "And it looks like…it looks like…my wish came true."