CHAPTER 15: "Let it Go" by James Bay

SUMMARY: Tara gets ready to leave Charming….

TIME: July 1997

NOTE: There is a SMALL piece in here that's a bit graphic... Be warned.

~TARA~

It was a late Wednesday when Tara heard the knock on the door. She was inside her room, packing up the remainder of her things into boxes. She was set to leave for San Diego in about a week and she wanted to make sure everything was ready. Plus, what else was there for her to do? Besides work, Tara had nothing going on in her life. She wasn't returning any of her friends' phone calls. She thought it was best if she broke all contact with everyone. It would make it easier once she moved.

And then there was Jax. He had called repeatedly but she was avoiding him also. She had expected him to show up at her house, but she had learned the Sons were out of town for a big job these last two weeks.

Tara wasn't sure when they were going to be back. A part of her hoped it would be after she had left town, but then the thought of not giving a proper goodbye to Jax made her stomach sick.

The door knocked once again, causing Tara to close the box she was packing and head out of her room. She had forgotten her father had left to the bar already.

Once she reached the door, she looked through the peephole.

There Jax was on the other side, pacing back and forth, his head hanging low.

A million different feelings came through her. She hadn't seen or spoken with him in over two weeks. The longest she had gone since her arrival to Charming. She wasn't sure how she was going to react once he was physically in front of her. Would she lose it and throw herself in his arms? Would she be a cold-hearted wench and refuse to speak to him?

The next knock made her jump. She needed to stop being a pussy and face him already. She only had a few days here.

She reached down to her door and opened it.

Jax looked a bit hesitant. He had his hands in his pockets and keeping his distance. It was odd for Jax to not look cocky or confident.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly.

She nodded and made room for him to enter.

Once he was inside, she lead the way to the kitchen. "Sorry about not returning your phone calls. I've…" She couldn't finish it. She couldn't lie to him. There was no point. Plus, it would feel like a slap in the face to the two of them if she lied.

Jax gave a nod as she took a seat at the table.

For several moments they said nothing, just stared at the table. Until Jax finally spoke. "I've been thinking about this nonstop, Tara. Going over all possibilities on how this can work. Maybe after you're done with San Diego, you can move up to Stockton or even Sacramento. Maybe you just need a small break…."

Tara shook her head. She should have known Jax wouldn't have understood her completely. He still wanted things to remain the same. He wanted to stay in Charming; wanted her to remain in Charming. He didn't see how imperative it was for her to leave. "Jax…I can't. Coming back to Charming…I'd still become the same person I don't like."

"But you wouldn't be coming back to Charming. You'd be in Stockton," he argued.

"It's the same thing," she said softly, doing her best to remain patient. She didn't want to give in to her anger—not anymore.

"What about Sacramento?"

"I want to put as much distance between me and Charming as possible," she said with complete honesty.

He let out a heavy sigh. "Where does that leave us then?"

It felt like a stab in the gut and heart at the same time. He was asking the question they both didn't want to know the answer to. Logic told Tara what this answer was. But her heart wanted to be a hopeless romantic and believe she and Jax could make the 8-hour distant relationship work. Stupid, pathetic, and naïve heart.

Her eyes stung. She couldn't speak.

Jax just stared at her, looking as defenseless as she felt. "I don't want to lose you."

As the tears came down, his arms were around her. His lips curving around hers. His fingers digging into her.

She knew this probably wasn't the best idea, but there was no way her body was going to detach from his right now.

Her legs encircled his waist. Her arms clung to his shoulders. Her nails dug at his skin.

God, she missed him.

He carried her over to her bed and hovered over her as he continued kissing her. For several, long minutes that's all they did. Kissed.

She didn't doubt his love for her. Any other 19-year-old guy would have already ripped up her clothes by now. However, Jax only wanted to keep her close—feel her body next to his. At the moment, it didn't matter whether they were naked or not.

Tara felt herself falling even more in love with him. Then, she remembered that in about a week, this would be gone from her. She would be leaving.

Jax slowly pulled away and looked down at her.

She was confused why he had stopped, but then the sadness in his eyes told her everything.

She allowed her tears to start falling as well.

With both hands, he caressed her face, whispering loving words to her. His kisses warmed her but hurt her as well.

Every kiss felt like the last.

She couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed him by the neck and pulled him down to her, kissing him fully in the mouth with all the passion she had for him.

He returned the passion.

Within a minute, they were both panting heavily, clothes thrown on the floor, his fingers inside of her, and hers stroking him.

She bit his lower lip as he placed his thumb on her clit and rubbed.

With her other hand, she reached for his balls, causing him to growl.

For the next few hours, they took it slow and hard and fast and gentle. They spoke very little, allowing their bodies to tell the other everything that needed to be said. They both knew not what next week would bring, but for right now, they had one another.

/

/

~JAX~

It was the day after and all Jax had done in the day was lay on his bed. Thinking.

These last few weeks without seeing or talking to Tara had been long and painful. And not knowing where they stood only scared the shit out of him. He remembered his life before Tara and he hated it. It had been full of void and loneliness. Constant disconnect with humanity.

And until he met Tara, he hadn't minded his lifestyle. However, after getting a taste of happiness, he knew he didn't want to give it up.

There was no changing her mind. She was going to be leaving sometime next week. And then…he would be alone again. He would dig himself into a dark hole in which not many would be able to visit him in. He was sure of this.

So, if she was going to be leaving and if he wanted to be with her…there really seemed to be a solution.

That's what he was contemplating. Would he stay or leave with her?

Seeing the boxes had really hit him hard. She was ready to leave. This was going to happen: Tara was going to be walking away from Charming forever…leaving Jax behind.

Her words echoed in his head as he imagined her leaving. "I ask you to at least consider!"

She wanted him to go with her. To start a new life, fresh. Together.

Suddenly, the thought became an epiphany. He could go to college. Mr. Abel had been on his ass for over a year, wanting him to get his G.E.D. The old history teacher had even offered Jax his assistance, believing Jax had potential. Other than Tara, Mr. Abel had believed Jax would do well academically.

He could leave behind the life of crime. The guilt he constantly carried with him would be lifted from his shoulders. No more blood. No more killing. He could have a safe life with Tara. They could have a family together. He wouldn't have to follow the same footsteps as his father. His children could grow up with a father constantly present in their lives.

He could be happy.

At that moment, someone waltzed into the room. "You know, pouting and sulking in your room only makes you look like a pussy." Gemma leaned into the doorframe as she looked disapprovingly at her son.

Jax didn't respond back to her.

She continued on, though. "Word has spread that Little Miss Perfect is going to be leaving us shortly. Seems to me that she can't hack this lifestyle. If I were you, I'd think her love wasn't as strong as she claimed it to be."

As always, Jax's mother riled him up. "Don't start, Mom."

"What?" She asked innocently. "I told you she wasn't good enough. Not strong enough."

"She's leaving because she wants more than this. She deserves more," Jax said defensively.

Gemma looked irritated now herself. "So she's too good for us, is that it?"

Jax didn't hesitate. "Yes, she is."

Gemma was too baffled to give a reply back.

Looking at his mother, he saw her with different eyes. She was a bitch. Cruel, lethal, and immature at times. How his dad put up with her, Jax had no idea. She was better off with Clay, because he too could be poisonous. And it hit him then: he didn't want to be like them. He didn't want to turn out like Clay. And he certainly didn't want Tara to turn out like Gemma. He had a feeling his mother hadn't always been so coldblooded. He saw her warmth come out every once in a while. Maybe, sometime in the far past, she had been as caring as Tara. Maybe, long ago, she had had dreams and inspirations. Maybe Charming had crushed her imagination and drive.

He knew what he had to do now.

He got up and looked at his mother straight in the eye. "And I'm too good for this, too." He grabbed his cut and made his way out of his room.

Gemma was at his heels. "What are you talking about, Jackson?" The tremble in her voice made him think she knew what was going on in his mind.

Jax walked down the hall and took his keys out. "I'll see you later, Mom."

"You're not thinking of going with her, are you?" She demanded to know. Yup, she knew him very well. "Because if you are, then it has got to be the most stupidest thing that's cross your mind."

Jax turned to her and gave her a look of pity. That's right, pity. He felt sorry that his mother was stuck in such a chaotic world, which looked to have no escape.

She noticed this look and felt sad by it. Her son pitied her? He knew it wasn't a good feeling.

He shook his head and went to the door.

"Jackson!"

He got to his bike and didn't look back. "Don't wait up, Mom." He rode out of the driveway. Before he saw Tara, he needed to make a couple of stops.

"Jackson!"

/

/

~TARA~

She picked up the phone after the third ring. "Hello?"

"Hey."

She smiled. "Hi."

"Um…are you free? There's something important I want to talk to you about."

That was direct. Then again, Jax almost always was. "Yeah, I'm free."

"Ok. I'll pick you in a bit. That ok?"

"Sure."

"Good. Wear something nice, ok?"

Something nice? Where was he taking her? They usually went somewhere casual and he never had to tell her what to wear. It kind of excited her. "Ok," she responded.

"Ok. I'll see you later." He hung up.

Tara stared at her phone for a bit before hanging it up herself.

Jax's voice sounded light and warm. Not at all how he had sounded yesterday: heavy and down. What was it that he wanted to talk to her about?

Before she could ponder on this for too long, there was a knock on her door.

She put down the phone and walked over to the living room.

Soon, the knocks were getting heavier and more demanding.

Tara frowned at this and looked through the peephole.

On the other side of the door was the Queen of Charming herself. She had a look on her face that gave no doubt she was hot and bothered. She struck the door again with more force and rung the doorbell a few several thousand times.

Tara let out a sigh; preparing herself for the dramatic scene she was about to become a part of. She took the lock off the door and opened it. "Can I help you?" she asked with as much patience as she could muster.

Gemma made her way into the house. "What the fuck do you think you're getting at, sweetheart?"

Tara closed the door and turned to the older woman. "What are you talking about, Gemma?" She never understood why this woman was always in such a bad mood.

Gemma cocked her hip and stared right at Tara with look of disgust. "This shitty idea you're trying to plant into my son's head ends now." She came closer to Tara. "He ain't ever gonna leave Charming. He bleeds SAMCRO. And there ain't no pussy that will make him change his mind."

Suddenly, everything clicked. Jax's changed mood, Gemma's attitude, it all made sense. Jax was thinking of leaving Charming! A burst of excitement went through Tara.

"This thing between the two of you ain't gonna work in the long run, and you know it. You're from different worlds. He's an outlaw; you're a goody-two-shoes. You're gonna have a fancy job and he's gonna be a mechanic. Those two lives don't go together, honey."

Anger boiled inside of Tara. She hated hearing anyone assume they knew what Jax's life was going to consist of. Hated to know almost everyone expected few things from the man she loved most. How could it be that she (Tara) was one of the few who saw great potential in Jax? How could Gemma—Jax's own mother—have such limited expectations from him?

"You really think he'll ever choose to leave?" Gemma asked.

Tara lifted her head high, refusing to look away from Gemma. "What's wrong, Gemma? Afraid he will choose me over you?" Tara took a step closer to the matriarch. "That's what this is really about, isn't it? It's not about Jax not being able to survive without the club. This is about you. Your fear of being alone. Your fear of him choosing someone else over you. Guess what, Gemma? All sons leave home. All men leave their mothers. I'll never have Jax choose between the two of us because I know what his choice will be." She stared at the woman long and hard. "And you do, too. That's why you're threatening me. Because you know Jax won't choose to break up with me."

Gemma placed her hands on her hips and looked down at Tara. "Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. I'm not threatened by nobody."

"Then what's the point of you being here? If you didn't fear me, you wouldn't feel the need to get me out of the way."

Gemma stared her down.

Tara gave her smirk. "Admit it, Gemma. You know I'm the better of the two. Like you said, I have a bright future ahead of me. Deep down, Jax wants that, too. He doesn't want to live in a life full of blood. He wants to feel safe. And that's something you aren't able to give him. You, his mother, have failed at that. You make him feel fear, and for that reason, he doesn't trust you. He can't rely on you—"

The slap came with great force. Anger that had been building up for years was weighed heavily in that hand.

And Tara gave it back. She too contained much anger towards the other woman in Jax's life. Her slap contained much power as well.

Gemma reached out and grabbed Tara by the hair, pulling it in opposite directions.

Tara gave Gemma a good punch in the stomach. "Get off!"

But Gemma did not let go. She slapped Tara again, twice.

These two hits were heavier than before, causing Tara to feel somewhat dizzy.

Just as Tara was planning her next move, a voice came. "Mom!"

Suddenly, Tara felt Gemma being pulled away by a forceful might.

Jax got in between the two women who loved him most. However, he was angrier with one of them more than the other. He stood protectively in front of Tara as he shot daggers at his mother. "What the fuck is your problem?!"

"She had it coming!" Gemma remarked, shooting daggers at Tara. "I know she's the one poisoning your head of leaving. She—"

Jax looked more pissed than Tara had ever seen him. He started yelling at his mother, something Tara hadn't seen him do too much. And this time it was more power. "I don't want to hear it, Mom! This is my life! What I decide to do it is my business! Got it?! And I swear to God, if you ever touch her again…." He didn't finish the threat, and he didn't need to. By the look on Gemma's eyes, his mother got the message.

Gemma swallowed hard and began to straighten her hair. "I hope you know what you're doing, Jackson." Without another word, Gemma—tears in her eyes—walked out of the house.

Tara looked up at Jax, she saw his jaw was clenched—his temple was throbbing with anger. She gently placed her hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him down.

"I'm so sorry about that," he said as he made eye contact with her. His anger was now turning into shame.

She shook his head. "It's not your fault."

"I really wanted you to find out another way," he said.

She frowned. "Find what out?"

He took a deep breath and gave her a small smile. "I'll go."

She didn't fully understand at first. "What?"

His smile turned a little brighter. "I'll go with you. I'll leave with you to San Diego."

She was too taken aback to respond a different way. "Are you serious?"

He nodded. "I had a long talk with Mr. Abel. He said he would look into schools in San Diego so I could get my G.E.D. He has a nephew down there that's a mechanic. Said he'd put in a good word for me. I figured, I could get my G.E.D in six months while working. And then I could attend community college full time afterwards. Mr. Abel said according to our old teachers I have a knack for leadership and business. He thinks I should get a business degree. Could be cool. I can't imagine working in some big corporate office, though. I'm not a fan of ties; makes me think of going to court—"

Tara tried to ignore her naïve heart at the moment and allow logic to take over. Allowing herself to believe that Jax willingly wanted to leave Charming and join her, would only hurt more down the line. "Jax, you don't have to—"

"I know, but I want to."

Tara was forcing herself to not get too excited. She shouldn't allow herself to believe.

Jax could tell what she was thinking. He took her hands in his and spoke with honesty. "You're right. I need something more than Charming. Something different. Maybe San Diego has it for us."

"Are you sure?" she asked again, allowing herself to get hopeful.

He gave her a smile. "I'm always sure about you, babe." He leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers, looking at her with absolute surety.

A genuine laugh came out of her. She threw her arms around him. It was the first time in months that she felt absolutely happy.

And he laughed with her, feeling the same.

/

/

~JAX~

Word had gotten around fast. Jax was getting a shitload from the Club—especially Clay. He kept cussing and yelling at Jax, telling him the Club was his chosen path. And Tig was always right there beside the President.

Jax claimed he could go Nomad. He didn't have to completely leave the Sons.

His brothers refused to be happy about his decision, though. They all had hopes for him in Redwood. Jax Teller could not be a Nomad—it wasn't in his blood. He was born to lead this Club in the future. He and Opie.

Surprisingly to Jax, it was Opie that wasn't really saying much.

His best friend was keeping quiet. Eventually, Jax decided to speak up about this.

"Anything you want to say about this?" asked Jax when the two were alone just outside of town. They had gone on a nice ride together.

Opie leaned in on his bike, crossing his arms and looking straight at his best friend. He wasn't going to pretend he didn't understand what Jax was talking about. "Will anything I say change your mind?"

Jax didn't say anything, he just looked away.

"Then, I guess I'm choosing to say nothing to you. Seems to me nothing I say will make you change your mind."

It shouldn't have surprised Jax that Opie disagreed with his decision to leave Charming, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt to know that for the first time, his best friend didn't have his back.

Jax put on his helmet and turned on his bike.

/

/

~TARA~

Tara sealed the last box that she would be taking with her when the knock on the door came.

When she looked through the peephole, she was surprised.

"Opie?" She asked as she opened the door and made eye contact with her boyfriend's 6'4 best friend. "What are you doing here?"

To anyone else, he would have looked like a scary-looking biker. But those that knew him always noticed his kind face first. He smiled slightly at Tara. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure. Come in." After he entered her house, she motioned to her couches. "Take a seat."

He went to the loveseat and sat down.

Tara sat opposite him on a single chair. She waited patiently for him to say something. She had a feeling what this was going to be about. She didn't want to push him too much.

It was a while before he finally spoke. "Why do you love school, Tara?"

This threw her off a bit. This wasn't the way she was expecting him to start the inevitable conversation. "What?"

He placed his long arms along his legs and looked right at her. "School—education. Why is it so important to you?"

She was still lost. "I'm not quite sure I understand."

He rubbed his beard and seemed to be thinking. Then, after a few seconds, he spoke. "When you first came here, you said something that's stuck with me. You once said how your mom read to you every night before you went to bed and that every morning, the two of you read the paper."

Tara had forgotten she had mentioned that to her friends. She thought back to her memories, trying to pinpoint when she had said this in front of Opie. Had it been in high school? During lunch? She vaguely remembered.

Opie continued. "You also mentioned how even though your mom had a full-time job, she still managed to take a class every semester. She didn't need to, but she wanted to. School and education mattered to her—it was her passion." His eyes turned soft. "I remember it because I got jealous. To have had a mom care about me as much as yours did…maybe my life would have been different. Maybe my choices would have been different."

Tara simple looked at Opie. She had heard stories of his childhood—from him and Jax and Donna. And her heart went out to him that he hadn't had a more loving mother.

"But I don't have a different life and choices. My childhood consisted of an absent mother, who drank a lot, was abusive, and never put her child's needs and wants before her own. I grew up with the Club, with men who took me out for ice cream when they saw a fresh bruise on my face. Men who taught me how to shoot a gun after learning my mother had taken out a knife and almost stabbed my father with it. Men who made me laugh whenever my mother left town on her little escapades. As twisted as those men might seem, they're my brothers and uncles and fathers. My family."

Tara knew this. It was the same conclusion Jax had come to with his own life. He and Opie grew up with the men in the Club looking after them. Jax had lost his father and Opie had in many ways lost his mother as well. She knew how important Clay, Piney, Bobby, Chibs, Happy, Otto, and even Tig had been to them.

"I think the reason why school is so important to you is because it makes you feel closer to your mom. By being good in school and being the best you can be, you keep her alive. You keep that connection alive."

Tara had never considered this. She thought about it, and it did made sense.

"Now, take that love and passion you have for school and equate them to the love and passion Jax has for the Club. Yes, it's two extremes, but that doesn't take away the feelings the two of you have for those worlds. For you, education makes you have a connection to your mother. For Jax, being in the Club allows him to feel close to his father."

She understood now. She was being selfish right now. Thinking only of her happiness and not of Jax's.

Opie's face turned soft and almost was apologetic. "He has had his heart set on San Diego for a few days. You've had your heart set on leaving Charming for years. He's not thinking straight. You leaving is making him make rash decisions. Maybe someday, Jax will want to really leave SAMCRO. Maybe one day he'll find a passion as equal to the one he has for this Club. But believe me when I say he has to come to that train of thought on his own—slowly, so that way he's sure. If he leaves now, out of fear of losing you, he'll come to hate himself. And possibly even you."

Tara felt the tears come down, but she was afraid if she brushed them off, she would cry even harder. Why had she allowed herself these last few days to imagine herself with Jax in San Diego? She knew it wasn't a guarantee.

"I care about you, Tara. I know he'll never love anyone the way he loves you. I'd hate to see you two hate each other. I consider you a friend, I don't want to see either of you ever hate each other."

Tara took a deep breath to control her voice from what she was about to say. "So, I need to leave him so he can be happy."

Opie shook his head. "No, you should leave to make yourself happy."

For a long moment, she was silent, letting the hurt take over. Imagining her life without him. "Will you look after him while I'm gone?"

He nodded.

She was now shaking uncontrollably; the tears coming down hard.

Opie's caring arms were there to comfort her, giving her the last support she would be feeling in the next decade to come.

Early the next morning, Tara Knowles drove off in a U-Haul before the sun rose, leaving behind a single letter in her room—the name 'Jax' written on it.

NOTE: Thank you to everyone who has left reviews and have sent me private messages regarding this story. Thank you for the patience! I know this has been a LONG road and one I should have completed at least a year ago. My apologies to everyone.

Just the epilogue is left. It's going to be very short, so it *shouldn't* take me long to edit and publish it.

DATE: July 30 2015