A/N This takes place after Christine's first performance as Prima Donna and subsequent Prima Donna-napping, but before the events on the rooftop. This is all purely humor, so of course it's not going to entirely fit canon. Enjoy!

Phantom Wishes

Chapter 1

Erik stared down at the blank piece of paper in front and wondered why on earth he was doing this again.

Oh yes, because Christine had superior arguing skills. Of course.

"Erik, everyone's making New Year's Resolutions! Even Firmin and Richard and Piangi and Meg and Carlotta and Raoul and Madame Giry…"

"RAOUL is making a New Year's Resolution? Now I really don't want to! I'm not going to be lowered to the same level as that fop!"

Christine huffed in exasperation. "Erik, you KNOW the nature of my relationship with Raoul. We've been over this countless times, with you looking in every nook and cranny of my explanation for some kind of loophole I'm using to lie to you."

"Yes, yes, I know… but I can still hate him! He has this long blond pony tail that's always incredibly greasy… I mean seriously, it's terribly ironic! I am the definition of hygiene –but have a disgusting face, and his face belongs to Prince Charming –but he has the most disgusting cleanliness practices I've ever seen. Does he even WASH himself?"

"…Sometimes."

"I think my point's proven."

Christine slammed the piece of paper down, anger blazing in her eyes.

"Raoul's hygiene holds no bearing over writing a New Year's resolution. If you don't write one, I will tell Carlotta all of your ventriloquism tricks to get her to sound like a toad!"

Erik muttered briefly before picking up the pen and doodling on the corner of the paper. "Fine. You win this one. There's no way you're messing up my toad jokes."

Christine leaned over his shoulder and squinted. "What are you drawing?"

On the corner of the paper, in a matter of seconds, Erik had drawn a perfect to scale version of the Mona Lisa.

"Look, just brainstorm ideas, not paintings!"

She stalked out of the room, and headed through one of the hidden passageways back towards her dressing room.

Erik's mind returned to the present. Well how was he supposed to create a New Year's Resolution? It wasn't like this was he first time he'd done it… but they all seemed to have this terrible manner of failing. At first it had been simple little things, like a mysterious violin smashing when his resolution had been to learn to play, but the failures soon became bigger and bigger. Over the years he sought more and more obscure topics in an attempt to prevent them from coming to fruition.

He had felt SO confident about last year's plan. How was he to know that he would break "I will not kidnap any cast members"?

Well… it hadn't really turned into kidnap until he had kept Christine down in his lair for a few days… was that really breaking his resolution?

Gah, this year he would just have to choose the most obscure one he could!

In a stroke of brilliance, Erik scribbled down his resolution.

"I will not kill Carlotta. That's pretty obscure. I mean, what are the odds I'd kill one specific person? Oh… wait…"

Yeah, Carlotta probably wasn't the best choice to not kill. There was a decent chance of that one.

Erik ripped off the part of the paper he had written that on. Well, who else could he not kill?

Carlotta, Carlotta, Carlotta… PERFECT.

Erik scribbled his new resolution down quickly, and read it, quite proud of himself.

With a smug smile, Erik pocketed the paper and strode off to the stage –he still hadn't finished dropping props on the managers.

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Christine rolled the stem of the rose between her fingers.

After her last performance, she had received yet another of the beautiful thorn-less roses that were Erik's trademark. Personally, she believed the removal of the thorns was not for her safety, but because Erik probably used them in one of his many traps throughout the cellars below the opera house.

A chamber full of rose thorns that a victim would fall into. Yep, that sounded like Erik.

Popping the rose behind her ear, Christine stared down at the blank piece of paper in front of her. Despite chastising Erik about his lack of a New Year's Resolution, she too had not yet thought of one.

She stood up and faced the mirror, hoping to seek out her inner flaws from her outward appearance. Well, the mirror itself gave her a few hints anyways…

Christine plopped back into her chair, and hastily scrawled "I will tell Erik how I feel about him." Well… there was one very good reason she hadn't… His temper tantrums rather scared her, and he had the strange ability to react the ONLY way she hadn't planned for. Really, how did he find those outcomes?

Why not just get to the core of THAT flaw?

"I will stop being a spineless wimp, and finally find myself some determination."

As if that would happen.

Well, onto the next option.

Christine turned back to the mirror and her eyes roamed downwards before settling on her waist.

Was it really getting that large? Over the past few weeks MAYBE she had too many of Meg's cookies and treats… but that really couldn't change her waist so fast, could it?

Christine began to panic. At this rate, she'd end up having to wear Carlotta's old costumes!

With a gasp of horror, Christine scribbled out her previous resolution, and changed it quickly to "I shall not become an overweight virago."

Hurrying out of her room, she ran out of the Opera Populaire and onto the streets of Paris, desperate for some exercise.

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Raoul looked again at his reflection in the mirror.

He was gorgeous. So gorgeous. People should stop in the streets and admire his beauty. Possibly he should look into getting a sculptor to carve his face in marble, so people could stare at it in awe for all eternity…

He really needed to look into that.

Pulling a comb out of a nearby drawer, he pulled out his hair ribbon and let his hair cascade over his shoulders before flipping it a few times.

With at least ten hair-flips under his belt that day, Raoul proceeded to comb his hair through and through before deciding what to do with it. A special event like New Year's Eve called for a special hairdo.

Opening one of the many cabinets chocked full of beauty products in his bathroom, he selected a new hair gel that seemed incredibly stiff. He dug a hearty lump out and rolled it around his fingers a little before beginning to massage it into his scalp.

Slicking his hair back, Raoul brought all of his locks back as he would when preparing a ponytail. However, he ran the gel all the way through his hair, pulling it completely backwards so it stood straight back, parallel to the horizon.

Nodding his approval into the mirror, Raoul wound his ribbon around the very back of his head, careful to keep the hair in place. This would look just wonderful at the next opera performance. He was going to make another public appearance with Christine, and definitely have some people around to here them "confess their love" to each other.

He hoped the silly whore was smart enough not to mess even that up. Really, after her first performance as Prima Donna, she had DISAPPEARED for a few days. Who did she think she was? She was supposed to be seen on his arm all throughout Parisian society!

Ah well, not EVERYTHING in his life could be perfect. Although he did deserve perfection in everything…

That moment, there was a sharp rap on his door. Wrapping his silk robe tighter around himself, he opened the door to find his personal butler and Christine.

"Mademoiselle Daae is here to take you to the opera."

"Thank you, Xander. Come in, Christine."

Christine trotted in the door, dressed in far too simple of a gown. Raoul eyed it with distaste. It simply didn't have enough jewels.

Raoul slammed the door closed and walked to his room, gesturing at Christine to wait on the couch in the foyer.

Sighing, Christine waited until his bedroom door clicked shut before jumping off the couch and bouncing over to the bathroom. She looked into the mirror, and stared at her waist, willing it to get smaller. It HAD to be smaller than it was this morning! She had run all over Paris!

Yes… it did seem to be a little bit smaller. Victory! Christine placed her hands on the counter, only to recoil seconds later, holding her left hand near her face and examining the gooey substance now coating her palm.

She looked down at the counter, and noticed the offending object. Newman's Hair Gel- guaranteed to turn you into a new man! How utterly repulsive, the things Raoul would put in his hair… his hair had looked stupid enough as it was when she had walked in the door, and it appeared to be incredibly hard. He could probably knock a nail in with that massive spike of hair…

Turning around in search of an old towel, she found nothing besides Raoul's cherished pink one. She used it to wipe the disgusting slime off of her hand. She glanced at the towel, noting that the goo had already hardened. Eh… Raoul wasn't smart enough to notice.

Exiting the room and settling herself on the plush couch again, Christine awaited her "date". Jesus, he spent so much time pampering himself and getting dressed that they probably wouldn't make it to the Opera Populaire in time for her to be seen on his arm before heading off to be dressed and have makeup applied. Honestly, what did they pay her for when he pulled crap like this?

Half an hour passed before Raoul finally exited his room, dressed in a frilly bright blue suit.

"Raoul, do you have your New Year's Resolution ready? Social butterflies love to gossip about that kind of junk and I'm sure they'll ask you at the opera…"

"Are you an idiot? Of course I have a New Year's Resolution! To buy enough hair ribbons to cover an entire wall in my bedroom. Wouldn't that be cool? Ribbon wallpaper! Wow…"

"But… if you glue them all to your wall, you won't be able to wear any of them."

"Oh…"

"I think you seriously need to rethink this one."

"Anddddddd WHY can't YOU think of one for me?"

"Not part of the job description. Just appearing on your arm in public."

"Stop being so sassy you lowly slut! Fine, I'll have to think of one on our way over there…"

Christine stalked out of the room, and Raoul followed closely behind. They walked an arm's length apart down the hallway and out the door to the awaiting carriage, and set out towards the opera house.

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A/N I certainly enjoyed writing this, so I hope readers enjoyed it as well!
There'll be three or four more chapters to go along with this, wrapping up exactly what's going on with Christine and Raoul, Opera shenanigans, and of course, Erik…

Please review if you enjoyed!