Batty Advice

Friendless

Batman awoke in a dark room. He could hear water dripping slowly in the corner, echoing loudly in the silence. He had been ambushed by a large group of thugs; he could feel bruises beginning to form beneath the Kevlar of his suit. Now he was chained to a wall.

A door creaked open at the far end of the room. The Joker strode through it, carefully closing it behind him.

"Batsy! Long time, no see," he said, grinning wildly.

"Joker," Batman growled. "What do you want?"

"Just a little help. You see, I'm having a few problems."

"Try Arkham. I'm sure they can help."

"But they can't, Batsy. There are so many villains there, they just don't have time for chaotic nut jobs like me anymore," he sighed, looking down.

Batman stared at the Joker, quietly picking the lock. The Joker looked at him expectantly, his grin so wide it covered his face. That grin fell a bit as Batman didn't respond.

"All the rogues there, they're friends. They're tight. And when they look at me, they just see a joker. Not someone to be friends with. I tried killing them, but it didn't work. Now they just ignore me. Or they call me names, like Clown and Freak and Get Out of Here, though I'm not sure whether the last is a name or just an insult."

Batman was growing frustrated with the lock. It just wouldn't open. "Get to the point Joker."

"But that is the point! I have no friends. And what's the point of hanging around other villains if no one wants to hang around you? But then I thought, hey, Batsy is a loner. He beats people up and scares them off, yet still he has friends. He has a whole bunch freaks stuck up in space. So, how do you do it?"

Batman was at a loss. "Excuse me?"

"You are the scariest person in Gotham, well, besides me, and you have friends, tell me how to get some!"

"You kidnapped me. You chained me to a wall. You had your thugs beat me. Just so that you could ask for my advice."

"Yes! Now, I'm getting bored, so get on with it!"

With a flourish, the Joker sat on the floor, cross-legged, head in his hands, and he stared at Batman with that awful grin on his face, eyes staring at him, waiting expectantly for an answer to his problems.

Batman sighed and gave up. This might save him some trouble in the future. "You need to find people with common interests. You need to be able to connect with them."

"Yes, yes," Joker interrupted. "I've tried that. What else?"

Batman glared at him. "If you want my help, don't interrupt. Now, you have to try and work with them. You can't just order them around, or hurt them. You have to gain their trust."

"So I can't kill them?"

"No."

"And I have to try and get them to like me?"

"Pretty much."

"Can I at least use them to test my Joker gas?"

"No."

"And then I'll have friends?"

"Maybe."

"Great!" Joker jumped up. "You're the best, Batsy! I'll remember your help forever. In fact, I'm going back to Arkham right now so that I can try to make friends."

He turned to his minions at the door. "Put a hold on the mail room plot, fellows. I'm going to make some friends!"

He turned back to speak to Batman, but found the chains dangling, empty. Joker shrugged his shoulders and left.

Outside, on top of Wayne Tower, Batman sat, overlooking the city. Behind him, Robin appeared.

"Where have you been, Batman? We were getting worried."

"Giving an old acquaintance some advice."

So, I'm trying out something a little different. This isn't going to be pure crack, but I don't want it to be super serious either. Let's just see how it goes. If you have a question for the Bat, be it funny or serious, PM me to let me know.

-Shadow